Another De-conversion

[ShiftyEyes]

My Ex-Testimony:

 

I've been looking at the site for a couple of weeks now, just reading to get a feel for everything. I found the site when I was examining the for-and-against evidence for the accuracy of the gospel stories, and I've really been enjoying the Skeptics Annotated Bible and the other links people have provided. But then I started reading all the Ex-Testimonies here, and I thought I'd put mine out there as well.

 

So, I'll start from the beginning. I was raised in a Christian home with really good parents. I have nothing against them, or the even against my Christian upbringing. I was very well educated in the Christian doctrine of our Baptist church, although, of course, I never heard anything about the history behind all of it. But the church wasn't bad either, with a lot of decent people and the beliefs weren't too extreme. They took the Bible literally, but had a moderate interpretation of everything (I was allowed to associate with the opposite sex, etc.) So I accepted it all pretty much without question.

 

My dad also raised me as a critical thinker, but the basic underlying assumption of all my thought was that Christianity was true. I went to a Christian Middle/High school, and they gave us all the standard "evidences" that the Bible is true, such as the thousands of fulfilled prophecies, the number of manuscripts, etc, etc, etc.. I also got a very thorough understanding of Creation Science, which actually makes sense if you assume that the Bible is the infallible word of god and the rest of the world MUST conform to it. "View the world through Bible Glasses" was a phrase that pretty much sums it up. I had no reason to doubt that it was true, except for some nagging problems I started to notice:

 

First, I didn't feel sinful. I had been told a million times that I was imperfect and sinful and needed God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, etc. But I didn't “struggle” like my pastor's and teachers implied that I should. I was a good kid, I liked helping people more than just about anything else, and when I did screw up I worked to correct it. My motives were almost always good. I tried to feel sinful, but it just wouldn't come.

 

Second, I never felt like Jesus was there. There were a number of times when I really sat down and prayed to god, “Please, please, let me serve you.” And I was truly humble and wanting to be “in love with Jesus” the way I was supposed to be. I read my bible daily, and attended numerous Bible studies. I had all the intellectual understanding possible, and could give a solid Christian answer to any question, but occasionally I'd wonder if I was supposed to feel something. Where was Jesus?

 

Anyway, this went on all through high school, but most of the time I just didn't give it a second thought. The summer after my senior year, my mom became seriously mentally ill. She had hallucinations, mainly about invisible skin parasites that she felt all over her body. She couldn't sleep. Her diet deteriorated even further and she gained a lot of weight. She had massive mood swings, and started buying all sorts of “alternative” remedies after the dermatologist referred her to a psychiatrist. It was the worst period of my life. It was like watching her die, because the person I had known was no longer there. (My Grandfather on my mom's side was a paranoid schizophrenic, and it set in at around the age of forty for him. My mother was 41 when this happened. Her mother also suffered from some sort of mental illness, and three of my grandparents have died with Alzheimer's)

 

I prayed so much during this time. I was begging god to do something, but no help came. No comfort came from my prayers. And I began to wonder how a person could be saved when their mind really doesn't work anymore. The Bible doesn't really address mental illness, or at least it doesn't give any comfort about it. God took away the sanity of King Darius to make him believe in him, but my mother was a Christian. She “belonged” to God, and there was no reason for him to do this. I could have understood any other illness, or even death, but mental illness just shoots all sorts of holes in the Bible. But even after she became suicidal, I had no real conscious doubts at the time. It was all underneath the surface, simmering there.

 

During one of the “good” periods (the disease is fairly cyclical) my mother went to an “alternative” doctor who put her on an all-organic-vegetable-only diet. She lost 50 pounds in a month (which led to heart problems, but the quack doesn't understand that sort of thing). She went to this guy 3 times a week (3 hours away), and soon she had put total faith in him. God was going to heal her “through” the doctor. She had total faith in the stupid, archaic, superstitious, etc., methods of this old fool (I could rant about Alternative Medicine for pages, but I won't). This was the first time I had seen someone put strong faith in something that was obviously NOT true, but I still didn't make the connection to my own beliefs.

 

My freshman year of college went by (we live in the same town as my University, and we were too poor to pay for me living in the dorms as well as tuition, so I lived at home). She had periods of improvement and periods of regression, but she never did anything severe enough for us to force her to see a real doctor. Through all this I was seeking God more earnestly than I ever had before, but, while I increased my knowledge, I didn't find any person hiding in the pages of the Bible. I began to realize that the answers to prayer that I received were just as likely coincidence as divine intervention. I started to doubt.

 

That summer (last summer), my doubts and questions became more distinct: Why do Christians say that other faiths don't “make sense” when they have logical inconsistencies in their own? If it doesn't make sense they just say we aren't able to understand it. And many other questions. But I couldn't let my mind openly question it because I was so dependent on it. My whole life was based on Christianity.

 

By a weird “chance” (I think there's more to it than that, but anyway) I ended up talking to two girls from my high school youth group who had also gone to the same university. I had sort of known them before but never talked to them much. Anyway, the conversation turned to spiritual things, and I think I was sort-of hinting that I had doubts. And, wouldn't you know it, so were they. It all came out, and all my doubts came to the surface in one evening. We talked for around seven hours, and I told them the stuff about my mother which I hadn't said to anyone ever before. There was an instant bond, especially between me and one of them (I suppose we can call her “Maria”).

 

Anyway, after that I went on an all out quest to find the answers to my questions so I could be a real Christian. I was really trying to become a Christian at this point, and I read and studied a ton. I spent hours thinking over things. But the more I read and studied, and the more I saw about the world, the less inclined I was to believe it. I was terrified. I prayed, begging God to help me believe it. I did not want to become a godless heathen. I did not want to lose the comfort and security of my Christian community.

 

But again, God didn't answer. Nothing. Through all this time I talked constantly with Maria, and we would argue with each other, one of us taking the Christian side to try to explain the other's doubts. But we always came away with more doubts than we went in with. Her personal reasons for starting to doubt made me even less inclined to believe. Having her to talk to was really a key thing in my spiritual search, and we became pretty close (yes, I asked if she'd be willing to try a “more than friends” sort of relationship, and she said no. Sigh... But being good friends is good too.)

 

At some point the second girl decided that she wanted to be a Christian again. She said she thought that she'd been going through a phase, and that she just had to believe in God. I was somewhat stunned at first, but I can certainly understand why she'd want to have it all back again. Maria, on the other hand, has gotten to the point where I think she would just say that it's not at all true, but she's afraid of what that means. She just refuses to come to any sort of conclusion, a place where I also was for awhile. It is so hard to let go.

 

Anyway, my search lasted about six months, and those months were intense. And uncomfortable, and unhappy, but I felt that I needed to do this thing to have any sort of peace. My final conclusion came only about a month ago: The god of the Bible does not exist. Jesus was not God. The gospels were pieced together from the legends and rumors circulating about Jesus forty years after his death. And the power of the mind is strong enough to convince a person that it was all true.

 

I do believe in a god, but only in the sense of an absolute truth/laws of the universe. The only absolute truth I accept is that I exist, other people exist, and those people are important. Since my dis-belief I've started volunteering with habitat for humanity (which is fairly Christian, but they do good work), and I'm more motivated than ever to make the world a better place. Maybe it's just being 19 that does it, but hey

 

Oh, and I still go to church. The news of my de-conversion would most likely kill my mother, and I won't have that on my conscience. I can sit in a pew for a few more years if necessary. I haven't told my dad either, because, with my mom (and the huge expense from her “medical” expenses), he has enough on his plate at the moment.

 

So that's my story. Thanks so much for reading it, I tried to keep it short but complete.

 

Shifty

[♦ nivek ♦]

Welcome Shifty!

 

Life sure tosses some interesting crap into our lives. How we handle the tossed materials and what happens when we are faced with those oddities that bar an Easy Explanation is what finally separates us from the Flock.

 

You'll find that "goddidit" is not an excuse here.... We'll try to help folks get along by having what answers we can offer, experiences shared, and paths that may help you find a direction that leads onto "life, with a full dose of Freedom".

 

kevinL

[Ouroboros]

Greetings Skifty,

 

I've seen your login name a couple of times, and been waiting to see your first post. Hope we'll see more!

[Lorena Rodriguez]

Shifty,

 

Great story. You are so mature for your age. If I didn't know any better, I would think you are older. But then, you had to grow up very fast with all the stuff you've been through.

 

Best,

 

Lorena

[ShiftyEyes]

Welcome Shifty!

You'll find that "goddidit" is not an excuse here.... We'll try to help folks get along by having what answers we can offer, experiences shared, and paths that may help you find a direction that leads onto "life, with a full dose of Freedom".

 

Yeah, the reason why I wanted to join this group is so I could have some help figuring out what my new philosophy of life, who I am as a non-believer... My thoughts on a bunch of topics have changed already (MUCH more tolerant...) and it's really overwhelming trying to figure everything out. So thanks for the replies and for reading that long, rambling story.

 

Shifty

 

P.S. The maturity is all an illusion. I still have trouble with my laundry

[All Gods Fail]

Hiya Shifty! Hope you'll stick around and make a few posts - I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say!

[Lycorth]

Welcome, Shifty!

 

Good to hear your story, though much of it is sad. You've certainly come a long way, and I wish I was as developed at 19 as you are now (I was doing a Xian fundy thing then - blargh). I especially can relate to never feeling like Jeezus™ was there or that I was really a worthless, sinful dog turd.

 

Common sense can certainly be refreshing, no?

 

Welcome aboard!

[mahjong]

Welcome! It's not easy facing the things you are willing to face. Life is often difficult. I hope you find support here. My youngest son is 19 also, was not raised with religion, doesn't know what he believes, if anything, and is a wonderful human being. He and I are very close, so I really do feel for you in your situation with your mom. You are carrying a lot right now, and your questions come out of a genuine experience, as all questions do. It is not always easy to 'carry on', referring to continuing to go to church. I certainly support that decision, it is very noble of you. And loving.

[Kryten]

Hey 19. . . Welcome!

 

Glad you could see your way clear of the mind-control. I joined the brainwashed at about your age and it was some 30 years before I saw the real light.

If you are seeking a new philosophy, I submit you are already off to a good start because (apparently) you seek truth and you like helping people. Now, join me, and I will complete your training-- Oops- sorry... I slip into EmperorMode every once in a while.

 

Welcome to the site.

[Guest Emerson]

Wow you've had a long journey! I came to the end of my belief at 21, but you did it even faster at 19. Good for you, yeah I think people go back because they have been conditioned to believe that christianity is the truth. People want to believe what they think is the truth and its harder to live outside of the box of christianity and religion. I think so anyway, best of wishes on your new journey!