Something Broke Inside...

[jasonwhatever]

When I said "oh my God!" out of a bit disrespetful heart, I also felt the next day, like franknhonest said, like something blew inside. I felt like I had been a tree that had been uprooted, like the fig tree which Jesus rebuked, and immediately (or overnight, depening on who you ask) was dried up. I also felt dead inside, just as frankandhonest said. In fact, most of the descriptions he said matched what happened to me almost perfectly.

 

I felt:

 

dead inside

like there was a void inside

like I had had a breakdown of consiousness

I felt like an empty shell

emotionally flat

dead

"twice dead, plucked up by the roots"

I also lost my job, unable to function

An awareness that I had committed the blasphemy against The Holy Spirit

 

The differences are that this occured to him in April, whereas it was October (on Rosh Hashanah) for me. The date may have been coincidental, as that is when I said "oh my God!"

 

 

What does everyone make of this?

 

My only question is, if there are 200 million protestants in this country, and say only only one in a hundred of them are filled with The Holy Spirit ("many are called but few are chosen"), and say one out of a thousand fall away every year, it seems that there would be thousands every year in the same situation as me.

 

200 000, 000 divided by 100

equals 2 million

divided by 1000 equals 2000

 

Yet, I don't see anyone online posting similar things. Maybe I am nuts. It's just very hard for me to believe that this is in my imagination, considering Scriptures which say they will "bring upon themselves swift destruction." "Whose judgment of a long time lingereth not, and whose damnation slumbereth not." "Every branch in Me which does not bear fruit, He taketh away, and it is withered. And men gather them and cast them into the fire." And then The Book of Enoch "these are they who made disclosures concering their destruction...who were slain in the days of the sinners." And the Book of Sirach "Blessed are they who do not slip with their mouth, and whose conscience does not convict them." "What are you going to do when He visits you?"

 

Was I really that sinful? I don't think so. I guess I'm more damned than Hitler, Mussolini, conartist George Bush and the worst of them.

[Ouroboros]

I don't know if there's that many protestants in US, sounds a bit high. But anyway... Even if you have some thousands that fall away each year. Most of them don't come to this site, or even know about it. So the likelyhood that someone is in exactly your situation, and also managed to get here and post about their emotions, I think are a lot less.

 

Jason, fight that depression and feeling of inferiority. You are a human, and you are not damned, not now, not ever.

[jasonwhatever]

Okay, say 50 million

 

divided by 100

 

500 thousand

 

divided by 1000

 

equals 500

 

 

I would expect someone in a similar situation to come online. I hear nothing similar on this site or on a lot of other sites I browse. Except, maybe franknhonest

[Ouroboros]

Maybe some of them are too afraid? Or just can't take the step. And also, not everyone have a computer yet.

[jasonwhatever]

Hansolo:

 

What are you trying to do, scare me all the more?

 

I'm trying to entertain the notion that maybe I am just crazy. Besides worldwide there are 400 million protestants. And most people in this country do have access to a computer. And why would they be afraid to post?

[Guest JP]

Jason,

 

I didn't want to talk about Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit for fear that it would do more damage, but I think it may be for your own good. I'll play devil's advocate for a minute. Read Matthew 12:31, where it talks about Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. The Scribes hatefully attributed the power of the Holy Spirit to Satan after having seen Jesus perform miraculous acts. Does that match in any way, shape, or form what you did? Nope.

 

(Still playing devil's advocate here.) Many scholars believe that this sin probably can't even be committed today in the same sense as when the Pharisees did it, because Jesus isn't on Earth as he was then. Also, they didn't even care that they had done it when Jesus warned them about it. That's the difference between them and you: You care a lot.

 

You said, "Oh My God." Big deal. Here I go..."OH MY FUCKING GOD LORD JESUS CHRIST FUCK YOU." There, I must be damned, too (not that I wasn't already.)

 

There is a verse that says something like, "no one can come to me unless the father who sent me draws him." Well, if you believe in the Bible, that longing you have for forgiveness is proof of God trying to draw you back to him.

 

I'm trying to give you advice from both sides of the religious spectrum here. I couldn't care less if you deconverted or not; I just know how it feels to feel the way you do because I've been there, and it's a needless pain that you can (and will) get rid of, whether you remain a Christian or not.

 

Jason, you are suffering from severe depression and anxiety, but I also suspect that you are suffering from Religious Scrupulosity, a particular form of OCD for which believing one has committed an unforgivable sin is a major symptom. I want you to look at these websites for more information.

 

http://www.stuckinadoorway.co.uk

http://www.ocdonline.com

 

I am a member of the "Stuck in a Doorway" forums because I have OCD and I post on there a lot. You will find many stories on there similar to yours.

 

Feel free to PM me any time you need to talk. Talk my ear off, I don't care. I want to see you get better.

 

JP

[Ouroboros]

What are you trying to do, scare me all the more?

In what sense am I scaring you more?

 

I'm trying to entertain the notion that maybe I am just crazy. Besides worldwide there are 400 million protestants. And most people in this country do have access to a computer. And why would they be afraid to post?

Well, maybe you do put too much importance into how you used to believe, and since you have presented a picture where you are very afraid of getting some kind of retribution from God (that you're loosing faith in), don't you think some in same situation don't dare to tell anyone? Maybe there are some out there, but they just don't know about this site, and the people they know would judge them if they do.

 

-edit-

 

Jason, do talk to JP. He has gone through similar experience, and probably know better how to relate to what you feel right now. I'm just trying to do my best to help you, even though I never had the problem you have right now. So it's a bit difficult to find the right things to say.

[Open_Minded]

Okay, say 50 million

 

divided by 100

 

500 thousand

 

divided by 1000

 

equals 500

 

 

I would expect someone in a similar situation to come online. I hear nothing similar on this site or on a lot of other sites I browse. Except, maybe franknhonest

 

 

Jason...

 

I haven't been following a lot of conversations on the board lately. So, I'm a bit out of the loop. Can you tell me exactly what it is that you are afraid of.

 

I'm making the assumption that you feel very alone in your questioning right now, is this accurate?

[Amethyst]

When I said "oh my God!" out of a bit disrespetful heart, I also felt the next day, like franknhonest said, like something blew inside. I felt like I had been a tree that had been uprooted, like the fig tree which Jesus rebuked, and immediately (or overnight, depening on who you ask) was dried up. I also felt dead inside, just as frankandhonest said. In fact, most of the descriptions he said matched what happened to me almost perfectly.

 

I felt:

 

dead inside

like there was a void inside

like I had had a breakdown of consiousness

I felt like an empty shell

emotionally flat

dead

"twice dead, plucked up by the roots"

I also lost my job, unable to function

An awareness that I had committed the blasphemy against The Holy Spirit

 

The differences are that this occured to him in April, whereas it was October (on Rosh Hashanah) for me. The date may have been coincidental, as that is when I said "oh my God!"

 

 

What does everyone make of this?

 

I think you need some counseling, at the very least. Do yourself a favor and get some help.

 

Nearly everyone in America above the age of 10 has said "oh my god" at least once, and not been struck down by lightning.

 

My only question is, if there are 200 million protestants in this country, and say only only one in a hundred of them are filled with The Holy Spirit ("many are called but few are chosen"), and say one out of a thousand fall away every year, it seems that there would be thousands every year in the same situation as me.

 

200 000, 000 divided by 100

equals 2 million

divided by 1000 equals 2000

 

Yet, I don't see anyone online posting similar things. Maybe I am nuts. It's just very hard for me to believe that this is in my imagination, considering Scriptures which say they will "bring upon themselves swift destruction." "Whose judgment of a long time lingereth not, and whose damnation slumbereth not." "Every branch in Me which does not bear fruit, He taketh away, and it is withered. And men gather them and cast them into the fire." And then The Book of Enoch "these are they who made disclosures concering their destruction...who were slain in the days of the sinners." And the Book of Sirach "Blessed are they who do not slip with their mouth, and whose conscience does not convict them." "What are you going to do when He visits you?"

 

If it was really swift destruction, would we be posting here? Look at the number of posts we have and our join dates. How can anything "swift" take more than a year?

 

Was I really that sinful? I don't think so. I guess I'm more damned than Hitler, Mussolini, conartist George Bush and the worst of them.

 

No, you weren't. Sin is a concept the church uses to control people. Even from a normal Christian standpoint, you weren't, because from a normal Christian standpoint the only unforgiveable sin is to commit suicide. (That was what I was taught.) And yet, look how we have discovered suicide to be the result of mental illness (depression). Many "sins" are the result of something biological that the person has no control over. But 2000 years ago, they didn't know any better.

 

Sin is a concept from even before medieval times. Yes, there are some things that are wrong, such as murder. But think...why would a god consider swearing *worse* than taking a life? What sort of justice is that? A sort of god who values himself and his name over human lives is a tyrant and not one worth your time.

[jasonwhatever]

Thanks everyone for your help. I find comfort in this site.

 

Jp: thanks for the links. Btw, you're cute.

[Guest JP]

You got a pic?

[jasonwhatever]

I can send a pic. What is your email address? or email me: jaslet101@yahoo.com

[Guest JP]

Let's start PMing. This conversation has nothing to do with the thread.

[Ouroboros]

You guys! Get a room!

[jasonwhatever]

lol

 

Sorry, I will keep personal talk out of these forums.

[Guest JP]

You guys! Get a room!

 

LOL!

 

We can now carry on with the serious conversation.

[Ouroboros]

Good luck!

 

Jason, I hope you can find harmony and be able to let go of that awful emotional burden you have.

[Guest Emerson]

Jason,

 

Why would you want to be crazy? I just think that you're feeding your paranoia. You aren't going to be struck dead unless you have an accident or you go out and do something shitty and stupid. You're not worse than mussolini or hitler, because they were monsters and they did inhuman acts against humanity. If you think that you are "crazy" then you need to get help. That's all. You really need to let go of these fears. What kind of god would allow human beings to be so paranoid, so lost and so confused? I don't understand why any loving god would do that.

 

Maybe try looking up things at www.losingmyreligion.com maybe their articles will help you.

 

 

Hansolo:

 

What are you trying to do, scare me all the more?

 

I'm trying to entertain the notion that maybe I am just crazy. Besides worldwide there are 400 million protestants. And most people in this country do have access to a computer. And why would they be afraid to post?

[Vigile]

Jason you are only damned by the meme you have been infused with. If you are "damned" then take advantage of it (a prisoner on death row has nothing left to lose, right?) and consider the bible, god, and all your beliefs more objectively. Question everything. You have a right.

 

I feared hell while I was going through my own deconversion. It sucked and I couldn't do anything about it. As hard as I tried, I could not hang on to faith and once the questions started to roll, there was no going back. It was out of my control. At first I couldn't understand why god would let me fall away. I had been a faithful and loving servant from childhood. Now looking back, it just all seems silly.

 

You are still considering this from the forest. Climb up on top of the mountain and observe the landscape. Be honest. How could it ever be a sin to be honest with yourself?

[chefranden]

Hansolo:

 

What are you trying to do, scare me all the more?

 

I'm trying to entertain the notion that maybe I am just crazy. Besides worldwide there are 400 million protestants. And most people in this country do have access to a computer. And why would they be afraid to post?

 

Why are you afraid of this at all?

 

Look I don't want to be mean now that I'm convinced you aren't faking, but you are crazy. Go ahead and entertain the notion. Look I'm crazy. I take pills for it. Most of us are crazy. You can't live in civilization without being insane. Some are just willing to admit it.

 

If this God is as you believe then it is insane and immoral not to be in rebellion.

 

But meditate on the following with this question, "Shall I believe the Christ or Paul and that sick writer of Hebrews?"

 

31 But when the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the angels with him, then shall he sit on the throne of his glory:

32 and before him shall be gathered all the nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as the shepherd separateth the sheep from the goats;

33 and he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.

34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:

35 for I was hungry, and ye gave me to eat; I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink; I was a stranger, and ye took me in;

36 naked, and ye clothed me; I was sick, and ye visited me; I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee hungry, and fed thee? or athirst, and gave thee drink?

38 And when saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

39 And when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it unto one of these my brethren, even these least, ye did it unto me.

41 Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into the eternal fire which is prepared for the devil and his angels:

42 for I was hungry, and ye did not give me to eat; I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink;

43 I was a stranger, and ye took me not in; naked, and ye clothed me not; sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.

44 Then shall they also answer, saying, Lord, when saw we thee hungry, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?

45 Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not unto one of these least, ye did it not unto me.

46 And these shall go away into eternal punishment: but the righteous into eternal life.

 

What is the criteria for entering heaven? Being good to people. That is it. Nothing else. You don't get into heaven by believing. The sheep could just as well be Hindus or Atheists. and the goats could just as well include James Dobson. Nothing in the last judgement isabout saying something in your mind's ear will make you a goat.

 

Nothing in here about being perfect either. If Jesus says you get into heaven by being good then you can get into heaven by being good. See Ezekial 18