Holy Hustle snippet #5

[wadori]

After this Abraham had a vision in which god said, "Don't be afraid, Abraham.  I am your shield and your great reward."

"That's what I was afraid of," Abraham said, and then continued, "But listen, Mr. God, what is the sense of giving me anything.  I don't have any kids.  When I die everything will just go to Eliezer of Damascus, my steward, and you know what a pathetic thing he is.  What's the point?"

"Oh no, Mr. Abraham," god responded.  "That guy isn't going to be your heir.  He's a fucking loser if I ever saw one.  No, no, no!  Your own son will be your heir."  Then god took him outside and said, "Look at the stars up above.  How many are there?"

"Well, I'll be danged if I know.  There's a shitload of 'em up there!"

"That's the way your descendants will be," god replied, and Abraham believed him, and god counted it as righteousness, since the word "imbecile" had been invented yet.

 

From my book, “Holy Hustle: A Bible Parody, Containing All 66 Books of Both the Old and the New Hustles”