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Goodbye Jesus

Holy Hustle snippet #8


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"When you go to war and take captives and notice a beautiful woman that you have the hots for and have the desire to jump her bones, bring her home, shave her head, cut her nails and get rid of those clothes she was wearing.  After she has lived in your house for a month, morning her mother and father because you butchered them, you can have her.  If you are not delighted with her you can just let her go.  What she wants doesn't matter.

"If a man has two wives, one he loves and the other he hates, you will ask him why he married a woman he hates.  If he has children by both, and the firstborn is by the wife he hates, he may not make the son of the one he loves the firstborn.  No changing history, so put those time machines away!  He must give the firstborn son of the hated wife a double share in all he has.  That is the firstborn's right.  If he's an idiot, which is pretty much a given since he is of your lot, he still gets his double portion.  If he kisses god's shiny hiney he gets a little extra besides.”



from my book, “Holy Hustle: A Bible Parody, Consisting of All 66 Books of Both the Old and the New Hustles”

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