How Do I Tell Family And Friends?

[Guest Court Jester]

Hey guys-

In the past few months I've completed my deconversion and it is suuuuuuuuuch a relief. But my unfortunately Christian family doesn't know about all this...I go to school in another state and right now even I'm studying abroad, so they can't really keep track of my church attendance very well. I really want to tell them, but I feel so bad for the burden I'm gonna put on them....I mean, your daughter's eternal soul forever burning in Hell is quite the lofty worry. How and when did you all tell your families? Any suggestions?

[fallenleaf]

Each situation is different and a lot depends on how you predict your family would/could react. Expect the best and prepare for the worst, I guess.

 

I wouldn't do it until you know you're going to be put on the spot soon and then I would try to do it in person and one or two people at a time. Just being gentle.

[Ex-COG]

The way you do it all depends on your relationship with them, how deep are they into Christianity (liberal, or full fundamentalists?), if you are still financially dependent on them, etc. It might help reading how others have handled it, and what they experienced; here's a thread on the subject from the Testimonies of Former Christians forum. Breaking the Bad News

[Jedah]

how deep are they into Christianity (liberal, or full fundamentalists?)

 

This is probobly the biggest factor you should take in. If you belong to a family full of xians who MUST go to church every sunday, pray all the time, Deny any scientific theories that dont agree with their dogma, and attempt to evvangelize...you should probobly wait a while if you ever tell them.

 

If they simply believe in god and call themselves christian, and only attend church every now and then... just tell them immediatly. You have nothing to fear.

[Rosa Mystica]

How and when did you all tell your families?

 

I haven't yet.

 

Like someone here said, if they're deeply immersed in it, you may want to wait a while. Mine are like this: they hate all other denominations except Catholicism, and have much disdain for non-religious types. I've been deconverted two months, and don't have the guts to come clean about it.

 

Another thing: are you dependent on your folks financially in any way? If so, you may want to wait a while before you tell them.

 

Welcome to ex-C.

[Kuroikaze]

I've been "out" to my parents for about a year, but honestly sometimes I wish I hadn't told them. One thing I suggest is that you don't tell them too quickly. It takes time to decompress from fundamentelist thinking. Spend some time reading and exploring other beliefs. This way, when you talk to them, you can tell them what you believe, not what you don't believe.

 

I don't know if that makes sense or not, but the way I look at it, when you speak to them if all you have to offer is negativity...you know the whole chrstiianty sucks thing, then it won't go well. This is even more likely to occour the more quickly you tell them, because you are naturally going to feel angry and hurt towards the christian religion and may end up taking it out on your parents. If all you have to say is negative things, they will naturally try to defend thier religion, and then you'll get angry because it'll feel as if they care more about the religion than you..... I'm speaking from experience here

 

looking back on my own deconversion I found my self going through several stages, much like psycologists say we go though when I loved one dies. Just make sure you don't open up to them when your going through anger....like I did. Its not a good time to be telling people you care about.

[Guest Court Jester]

Wow, so it's been a while, eh? I actually had completely forgotten that I'd ever registered here. I just started visiting the site again, enjoying everyone's wit, and decided to register when, lo and behold, the computer already had my username and password all stored and ready to go for me. I don't even want to think about how senile I'll be as an old woman.

 

Anyway, for a slightly belated update.....I did tell my parents, and they were heartbroken at first, and blamed my liberal arts education (which, as everyone knows, is absolutely Satanic). But then my dad, who is prone to self-inflicted guilt anyway, started feeling terrible, blaming himself for my fall from grace because he had not taken me to church more regularly and established a "church home." I think he even went through a period of depression about this. This makes me feel horrible, but I think he has come to terms with everything now. Now I just never talk about it with them, and everything goes on as normal (which is easy, since I live 500 miles away from them), except for the few times when I just cannot resist engaging them in a theological debate.

 

Glad to be back on the forums. I love the intelligence and humor.

[Ouroboros]

Welcome back CJ,

 

My dad died without knowing I had deconverted, and I haven't told my mom yet either. And it's been years now. I have the benefit of living on the opposite side of the planet, so no one over there knows what I'm up to... hehe... Only two of my siblings know, but they're kind of on the sideline too anyway.

 

I see from your experience now there can be a problem telling your parents, since they can blame themselves for failure. I don't want my mom to feel like that. I would hurt me to see her hurting. Besides, it's not anyones business what I believe and why not let them think whatever they want anyway.

 

I hope to see you around more CJ.

[Japedo]

Welcome & Welcome back , It's good to have you!!! My mother still prays for me... and believes once saved always saved just back slidden. What ever gives her peace of mind I guess.

[R. S. Martin]

I'm glad you brought this topic up again. Interesting read.

[sparkyone]

Court Jester,

Your situation in relation to your parents reminds me of my own in some ways. I live about 950 miles from my parents, so even though I've "come out" to them in a way, we don't have many face-to-face discussions about religion. I do it over the phone or through e-mail sometimes, and we've been through a few rough spots. Right now it's pretty calm in that area, but we're planning on moving further south closer to my in-laws. They're more liberal Baptists, but I don't think they would like to know how far I've gone from my fundamentalist upbringing. I suppose I'm more agnostic than anything at this point. So, we're finally going to be getting away from this fundy Baptist church, since my husband is fed up with the treatment my boys and I have gotten from several people there, including the pastor. It's a step in the right direction, but my husband is still a faithful Christian. That might cause more conflicts in the future, but at this point I'm relieved that we're on the same page in regards to getting our kids out of the church school once school lets out for the summer.

I'll post a little update on that situation in another message.

 

Sparkyone

[Guest Court Jester]

Sparkyone,

 

I look forward to the update. That must be a pretty tense situation - your husband still being a Christian. I do hope all is going well though. I'm glad you're getting to escape from a fundy church! I went to one for a while when I was little...one where women couldn't cut their hair or wear pants. I remember thinking, even when I was 6 or 7, that this really sucks, because everyone here is saying I'm inferior because I'm a girl. I won't grow up to be very important no matter what I do. I distinctly remember that making me sad. How terrible is that? I'm glad you'll be taking your kids out of church school, or they might hear some of the same crap I and many of us did.