How Do I Stop Feeling Stupid?

[Casualfanboy16]

This is something I've been struggling with pretty much all my life and it keeps coming in the worst ways. Even when I watch YouTube videos upon YouTube videos on certain topics: Christianity and it's many flaws, politics, economic and social issues, etc I keep not being able to get everything right away and I feel stupid. It's been going on for so long. I know deep down it's a perfectionism problem, but the thing is I'm 20 and feel kind of inferior since I'm not as educated as people my age or older, or heck, younger than me because learning has always been a difficult process because my brain is kinda messed up (agenesis of the corpus callosum) and I often feel ashamed that others have a more articulate way of saying things or a more expansive vocabulary and just are generally smarter than me. I have access to the internet which has such a wealth of information and can boil stuff down into things I can understand and yet I feel like I'm getting nowhere. It sucks because I spent most of my teenage years just being consumed by all my personal issues, that now as a 20 year old man, leaves me feeling inferior to like everyone. It hurts every time seeing people just be able to talk about things they know about when I feel left out not knowing jack shit about a lot of subjects that I should've grasped in my middle/high school years and as a result feel behind and like the dumbest person alive because of my stupid perfectionism coupled with intellectual insecurity and just not getting shit sometimes no matter how much it's presented to me. It's such an embarrassing thing to admit or bring up, but I want to overcome this. I know it could be easy as "just gain more knowledge lol" but no matter how much I gain I don't know if I will ever be smart and it terrifies me. It sucks. I just want information to stay put, but no. I just feel overly self-critical of my intelligence and so many  other things to the point where it's getting irritating and I want it to fucking stop. My hunger for knowledge doesn't cease and even when I try to satisfy it, it never gets full and I'm tired of having surface level knowledge of things to the point I feel like I can't contribute in a discussion because somebody ultimately knows more than me and can articulate it better than me. I know you don't have to know everything, but unfortunately that doesn't stop that intellectual inferiority complex from completely screwing me over. And right when I start deconverting and stuff too what the hell?

[TheRedneckProfessor]

If you were meant to be compared with somebody else, there'd be another you running around here somewhere.  Since there's only one of you, it's reasonable to conclude you're fine the way you are.

[Casualfanboy16]

12 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

If you were meant to be compared with somebody else, there'd be another you running around here somewhere.  Since there's only one of you, it's reasonable to conclude you're fine the way you are.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others and just be fine with where I'm at currently. I realize this, but unfortunately, I don't know how to stop. I know my thoughts are just trying to bully me back to where I started and trying to keep me from moving forward, but being self-aware of the thoughts I'm having and what they're doing to me isn't enough. I need to get past the feeling that I'm not smart enough, even though on numerous occasions I have proven otherwise. I'm literally deconverting. I'm rising above what I've been taught my whole life and I need to give myself credit for that. It just feels like my thoughts are out to get me. My brain wants me to feel intellectually inferior to others so it can feed off yet another insecurity so it can prevent self-growth and me from learning more and improving.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Wasn't it you who mentioned writing things (at church camp)? on paper that you wanted to get rid of, and burning it?  Try it!

It might not be as effective as it would with a bunch of friends around you cheering you on, but it might help.  Also let yourself be angry for being tricked by the doctrine of original sin, which fed into the feeing of being unworthy.  And be angry at a lot of other things.  A lot of christians were conditioned to not be angry.  Or not be sad.  A lot of our "self" got shoved down in christianity, and by family.

 

Symbolically, burning something is an aggressive way to destroy something.  Try it, or other ways you can think of to express pent up feelings in a safe fashion. And realize it is going to take time.

[Casualfanboy16]

10 minutes ago, Weezer said:

Wasn't it you who mentioned writing things (at church camp)? on paper that you wanted to get rid of, and burning it?  Try it!

Yes, it was me! I should totally do that! Just burn my burdens a fire!!

 

12 minutes ago, Weezer said:

Also let yourself be angry for being tricked by the doctrine of original sin, which fed into the feeing of being unworthy.  And be angry at a lot of other things.  A lot of christians were conditioned to not be angry.  Or not be sad.  A lot of our "self" got shoved down in christianity, and by family.

Yeah feelings of unworthiness are really prominent in my life. I remember too one chapel in school we had; (I can't remember the subject) and I remember somebody saying "without God, you are worthless." or something along those lines. Yeah. What the fuck?? Like my self-esteem at that point got absolutely screwed after that. Like, it was already bad. That just plummeted it.

 

Yeah, something I also realized is that I never gave myself the opportunity to just be angry. I have a journal, so I can do some angry writing in that to blow off some steam. I felt the anger, but I never really processed it in a healthy way because I didn't want to be angry, even though I have every right to be. I was brought up in Christian doctrine all my life, my coming out to my parents pissed me off even though I knew their reaction wouldn't be that of support, I'm angry that Christians treat lgbt people like shit or use the "love the sinner, hate the sin" bullshit oh god I've heard that shit enough. I should do a post about that actually. I am seething I genuinely despise that phrase so much.

 

25 minutes ago, Weezer said:

Symbolically, burning something is an aggressive way to destroy something.  Try it, or other ways you can think of to express pent up feelings in a safe fashion. And realize it is going to take time.

Yeah, I can't expect the feelings to go away overnight unfortunately. Gotta be realistic about this. Take my time with it. If only it were that easy, but honestly I have a feeling I'm gonna get through this despite the struggling I'm going through right now. Nobody in my family and such will understand me and why I chose to break away, but I'm glad to have people all over the internet for support. It means a lot to have people that have been through similar circumstances and want the best for everyone. Again, very glad I found this place and that people are offering resource and support and all that. I can't thank you guys enough and I'm glad y'all are helping me out on this journey.

 

-Casual

[◊ Weezer ◊]

For years I didn't realize how angry I was with my parents. Then there was a time, as an adult older than you, that I wrote letters to my family that I never mailed.  Until I got one toned down, and was not disrespectful, that basically was a "declaration of independance."  And it actually was helpful in our relationship. But writing all those never mailed letters was theraputic.  HA!  Perhaps burning them might have speeded thiings up??

 

As a child I don't remember ever throwing angry fits as many children do.  I was afraid of anger.  HA!  but today at 81 years of age I occasionally yell curse words when hit my thumb wit a hammer, etc.  Then with a very slight bit of quilt look around to see if anyone heard me.  But, dang it!  It feels good to release that anger!

 

 

[Casualfanboy16]

11 minutes ago, Weezer said:

For years I didn't realize how angry I was with my parents. Then there was a time, as an adult older than you, that I wrote letters to my family that I never mailed.  Until I got one toned down, and was not disrespectful, that basically was a "declaration of independance."  And it actually was helpful in our relationship. But writing all those never mailed letters was theraputic.  HA!  Perhaps burning them might have speeded thiings up??

 

As a child I don't remember ever throwing angry fits as many children do.  I was afraid of anger.  HA!  but today at 81 years of age I occasionally yell curse words when hit my thumb wit a hammer, etc.  Then with a very slight bit of quilt look around to see if anyone heard me.  But, dang it!  It feels good to release that anger!

 

 

Honestly though. I should just write out my anger in my journal. It's a nice outlet to just blow off steam.

 

I mean for me currently at 20 I curse too much for my own good. Not so much in real life, but online it's not like my family can tell me not to say "fuck" or "goddamn it" (or any variation of the Lord's name in vain besides oh my God. I can say that but not "Jesus Christ" or "goddamn" and the like it's kinda funny).

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Study, knowledge, and using different techniques, can all help you dispell fear, sadness and anger, and to an extent help you feel more worthwhile.  But as an adult it takes more than that to attain a feeling of being worthwhile.  In a sense, that has to be "earned".  It is earned by using your talents/abilities to "pull your own weight" in the world, and contributing to "life".  Are you contributing to family life by doing chores around the house, and perhaps helping pay the bills and buy groceries?  Some parents don't expect that.  If not, are you making plans and educating yourself to "fly" on your own later in life?  

 

When you get busy "flying" on your own in life, paying your own way, contributing to society,  then the worry about religion and Hell will take a back seat, and eventually become fairy tales.

 

Also, you keep mentioning a brain problem.  I think I said this before, but from your posting here, I see no evidence of that.  Perhaps some doctors saw a possibility of that when you were an infant, but i see no obvious signs of it.  But if you keep believing that, it can become a "self fulfilling prophecy", similar to the doctrine of original sin.  If you don't understand the phrase, SFP, google it.

[Casualfanboy16]

8 hours ago, Weezer said:

Study, knowledge, and using different techniques, can all help you dispell fear, sadness and anger, and to an extent help you feel more worthwhile.  But as an adult it takes more than that to attain a feeling of being worthwhile.  In a sense, that has to be "earned".  It is earned by using your talents/abilities to "pull your own weight" in the world, and contributing to "life".  Are you contributing to family life by doing chores around the house, and perhaps helping pay the bills and buy groceries?  Some parents don't expect that.  If not, are you making plans and educating yourself to "fly" on your own later in life?  

 

When you get busy "flying" on your own in life, paying your own way, contributing to society,  then the worry about religion and Hell will take a back seat, and eventually become fairy tales.

 

Also, you keep mentioning a brain problem.  I think I said this before, but from your posting here, I see no evidence of that.  Perhaps some doctors saw a possibility of that when you were an infant, but i see no obvious signs of it.  But if you keep believing that, it can become a "self fulfilling prophecy", similar to the doctrine of original sin.  If you don't understand the phrase, SFP, google it.

I actually have agenesis of the corpus callosum, meaning that the tissue that connects the left and right brain hemispheres is partially or completely missing. I forget if mine is partially or completely missing, but it probably doesn't matter. I have no idea all that it affects, but I guess I got lucky compared to other people who have it. I definitely have some kind of learning problem. It takes a lot longer to learn things than most people would be able to. It also affects balance, I think. I still can't ride a bike lol. I tried when I was little but I couldn't keep balance without training wheels. Also when I was a baby it took longer for me to learn to walk. I forget how I got around, but that was another thing I can think of. Point is, there definitely is something there. It's not a self-fulfilling prophecy; it's something that's just there. I mean I was already born unhealthy too. I had to get a brain shunt at some point because fluids were going in my brain or whatever. I only ever had issues with it on my 19th birthday. It just kinda hurt around the area and I thought I was going to die and spent my 19th birthday in the hospital getting IVs and MRI scans in the little beeping demon tube. Fun times looool.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

I should have been more specific.  Ny understanding is that you can have problems that affect you in different ways, sometimes more in physical ways such as balance, speech, etc.  But sometimes people with the condition can be very high functionng.  Some believe Einstein may have had a form of the problem.  My observation here on the forum is limited to your writing and reasoning skills, and you are functioning above average in that way.  If you sack grocries you must have fair physical coordination.  Do you drive?  Yes, you may be slower at some things, but the brain is a very smart thing that can adapt to problems and find ways around "bad connections".  With your logical reasoning skills I believe you are college material.

 

I did a quick review of your condition and saw that at least one person believes that using your nondominant hand might improve your brain functioning.  Have you done internet research on your condition and possible ways to improve functioning?  New information is being found all the time.  

 

Also, your medical conditions might qualify you for financial help or scholatships for college.

[Casualfanboy16]

5 hours ago, Weezer said:

I should have been more specific.  Ny understanding is that you can have problems that affect you in different ways, sometimes more in physical ways such as balance, speech, etc.  But sometimes people with the condition can be very high functionng.  Some believe Einstein may have had a form of the problem.  My observation here on the forum is limited to your writing and reasoning skills, and you are functioning above average in that way.  If you sack grocries you must have fair physical coordination.  Do you drive?  Yes, you may be slower at some things, but the brain is a very smart thing that can adapt to problems and find ways around "bad connections".  With your logical reasoning skills I believe you are college material.

 

I did a quick review of your condition and saw that at least one person believes that using your nondominant hand might improve your brain functioning.  Have you done internet research on your condition and possible ways to improve functioning?  New information is being found all the time.  

 

Also, your medical conditions might qualify you for financial help or scholatships for college.

Yeah I consider myself to be more high functioning despite my problems that I run into. I'm actually pretty good at handling my issues anymore. It's mostly small things. I don't know if this is a universal experience, but while balance I'm pretty well off now than when I was first learning to walk, obviously. However being on boats and stuff is a different story. I don't know if my equilibrium gets messed up, but after I get off for like the rest of the day and even sometimes into the day after I feel like I'm still on the boat because everything feels like it's rocking on the waves and it sucks. It's not like I lose my balance, but when the world continues to feel like you're still on the boat afterwards despite getting off of it a long while ago, it's not a fun feeling. It's not even like it makes me sick I just feel off for a day or two before I return to normal.

 

I feel like I can adapt to things rather well despite some things feeling slow. I think it's just don't give myself enough credit because I tend to focus more on my shortcomings than my victories no matter how big or small. I do drive; it just took me longer (two years longer) to get my license, but it was a combination of a lot of things: perfectionism, fear of screwing up, fear of causing an accident and being responsible for the lives of others on the road because one wrong move could be a bad thing. Also the corpus callosum issue, but yeah. I mean I'm definitely better now. I can drive well, just lots of things held me back.

 

Also that's very nice that you consider me to be college material. I thought I would be too incompetent for college and feel like a burden if I reached out for help, but hearing that makes me feel better. Still hesitant about college though because I fear getting into debt and I would feel like I wouldn't belong there,  but I'm glad somebody sees my potential even though I pretty much never see it in myself.

[pantheory]

5 hours ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

Yeah I consider myself to be more high functioning despite my problems that I run into. I'm actually pretty good at handling my issues anymore. It's mostly small things. I don't know if this is a universal experience, but while balance I'm pretty well off now than when I was first learning to walk, obviously. However being on boats and stuff is a different story. I don't know if my equilibrium gets messed up, but after I get off for like the rest of the day and even sometimes into the day after I feel like I'm still on the boat because everything feels like it's rocking on the waves and it sucks. It's not like I lose my balance, but when the world continues to feel like you're still on the boat afterwards despite getting off of it a long while ago, it's not a fun feeling. It's not even like it makes me sick I just feel off for a day or two before I return to normal.

 

I feel like I can adapt to things rather well despite some things feeling slow. I think it's just don't give myself enough credit because I tend to focus more on my shortcomings than my victories no matter how big or small. I do drive; it just took me longer (two years longer) to get my license, but it was a combination of a lot of things: perfectionism, fear of screwing up, fear of causing an accident and being responsible for the lives of others on the road because one wrong move could be a bad thing. Also the corpus callosum issue, but yeah. I mean I'm definitely better now. I can drive well, just lots of things held me back.

 

Also that's very nice that you consider me to be college material. I thought I would be too incompetent for college and feel like a burden if I reached out for help, but hearing that makes me feel better. Still hesitant about college though because I fear getting into debt and I would feel like I wouldn't belong there,  but I'm glad somebody sees my potential even though I pretty much never see it in myself.

 

Years ago there were classes in school where I seemed to be slower than most everybody else; I knew I was somewhat different. I would struggle along sometimes getting a 'C in the class and was just slower -- but I was trying pretty hard to really learn. My problem was when there were parts of a subject that I didn't understand; I would ask questions in class. If I still didn't get it I couldn't move on. I would miss the new things the teacher was talking about, not being able to get away from the part that didn't make sense to me. Usually by the end of the class, however, I would figure it out my own way and sometimes got the highest grade in the class on the final exam, sometimes with less effort than others.

 

People learn at different paces and sometimes in different ways. I know you said you had possible learning disestablishes because of a brain disorder?  My son was also diagnosed as being dyslectic yet as he gets older in his 20 & 30's he now learns and understands faster than most others and graduated from college. This in part relates to his effort; he often tries harder than others. But he sometimes learns things in a different way than others – sometimes coming to different and better conclusions than others IMO.

 

So you seem to write and understand conversations well for your age. Sometimes it simply boils down to -- that if you “try harder you will do better.” Forget about what others are doing compared to you. Everyone has their own way of learning things and their own problems.

Cheers

 

[Casualfanboy16]

45 minutes ago, pantheory said:

So you seem to write and understand conversations well for your age. Sometimes it simply boils down to -- that if you “try harder you will do better.” Forget about what others are doing compared to you. Everyone has their own way of learning things and their own problems.

Cheers

I think part of it too has always been the fact that I compared myself to others a lot. When people were more knowledgeable in a subject than I was, I was often ashamed and almost angry at myself for not getting something right away. I understood everybody learns at their own pace, but my perfectionist attitude didn't allow for mistakes or falling behind. I beat myself up constantly because I convinced myself for the longest time that if I didn't get something immediately, then I must be stupid. It took me forever to realize that a lot of my issues stem from my perfectionist tendencies. My anxiety and fear also fed off of it too. Not to mention that I was more concerned with getting good grades and passing classes rather than actually caring about what was being taught, so I couldn't get some stuff because I only cared about making it through high school. Especially science class because it was so difficult. I remember having 14 pages full of notes and I got anxiety so bad it made me physically I'll.

 

Now that I'm out of school, I can learn at my own pace and not judge myself for failing or falling behind, so that's a nice bonus.

[pantheory]

On 7/19/2023 at 10:07 AM, Casualfanboy16 said:

I think part of it too has always been the fact that I compared myself to others a lot. When people were more knowledgeable in a subject than I was, I was often ashamed and almost angry at myself for not getting something right away. I understood everybody learns at their own pace, but my perfectionist attitude didn't allow for mistakes or falling behind. I beat myself up constantly because I convinced myself for the longest time that if I didn't get something immediately, then I must be stupid. It took me forever to realize that a lot of my issues stem from my perfectionist tendencies. My anxiety and fear also fed off of it too. Not to mention that I was more concerned with getting good grades and passing classes rather than actually caring about what was being taught, so I couldn't get some stuff because I only cared about making it through high school. Especially science class because it was so difficult. I remember having 14 pages full of notes and I got anxiety so bad it made me physically I'll.

 

Now that I'm out of school, I can learn at my own pace and not judge myself for failing or falling behind, so that's a nice bonus.

 

As you know, you can always ask for help in school or outside of school. Many people enjoy helping others including myself.

[Casualfanboy16]

3 hours ago, pantheory said:

 

As you know, you can always ask for help in school or outside of school. Many people enjoy helping others including myself.

Yeah, I know. I had a tutor in the majority of high school for some of my subjects. I still had trouble asking for help though because I thought I would be "too much of a burden" for some people.

 

I felt like if I asked for help, especially with life struggles, I would be like the person who's drowning and I got scared of dragging others down and making them go through it with me, so I suffered in silence a lot. Even asking for help here I couldn't help but feel guilty because I'm going through so much right now and the mental and emotional whiplash I've been experiencing is very intense on me mentally and I didn't want to feel like an inconvenience or burden to others. Not that I don't appreciate everyone trying to help me out, it's just I'm really going through it with discovering myself, looking for answers outside of my beliefs I've grown up with, trying to accept myself and my sexuality and just finding myself again when everything keeps piling up. It's so much and it's painful.Though, I'm happy I have this place and stuff and people who want to see me grow and succeed and want to help me through all this. I'm just going through so much shit and there's no words that will ever come close to showing how grateful I am for this site and the people in it.

 

 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Let it all out, son.  You'll feel better. 

[Casualfanboy16]

3 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

Let it all out, son.  You'll feel better. 

Oh okay. Well... here goes nothing, I guess. Yeah I'm gonna rant I can't take shit anymore.

 

I'm just so fucking tired. I'm fucking tired of thinking all the time. I'm tired of my family not accepting me completely. I'm tired of all the years repressing my sexuality, trying to change myself to fit into a stupid box and make people in this stupid town comfortable. I'm tired of having nobody in my real life who understands me (not that I'm ungrateful for the support here and with my other online friends). I'm tired of letting this goddamn piece of shit good-for-nothing religion fuck up my head and kill self-worth and drag my happy ass around and make me feel ashamed and I'm tired of the nights I spent crying myself to sleep and pray for some stupid worthless tyrant clusterfuck of a god to just fucking kill me because my stupid parents wouldn't understand me and I thought if I was dead before I reached adulthood I could still be saved. I'm sick and fucking tired of all the stupid people who say they dOn'T sUpPoRt mY LiFeStyLe. I'm sick and tired of my anxiety, fear and the intense existential dread that I go through on a day to day basis because the stupid loving God who is also a judgemental ass I was taught to believe in wants to throw me into a fucking burn pit or eternal isolation dimension or whatever the fuck that's gonna be like if such a stupid place exists. I fucking being nice. I hate being polite. I hate my family grieving after I spent years suffering alone and I'm still suffering, but at least with people here to support me. I hate waking up every fucking morning to my Dad watching the stupid news and seeing tragedy after tragedy after tragedy and being petrified of leaving out into the world because of my stupid fear gluing me in place. I'm sick of not just getting into my hobbies like drawing and writing because I'm dealing with so much bullshit and I feel like I'm reaching a tipping point I can barely even type through my tears I'm so fucking angry and tired and scared of everything and I hate being here in this stupid hellhole surrounded by amish and bigots who wouldn't give a single fuck about me if they knew the truth. I can't take another goddamn minute feeling like the same day repeating over and over and over again. I can't even cultivate any self-acceptance and the thoughts just don't fucking end I'm so fed up with my own mind trying to fight against me at every turn and the emotional hell I'm going through because I'm caught in multiple stages of grief just trying to deconvert and deconstruct and accept myself when I barely have that in this stupid stupid town and I hate that I feel trapped and I just want to feel content again I don't want to go back to Christianity I can't go back I can't do it again. I can't stop crying oh god. I can't take it anymore. I can't fucking deal with this anymore it's too much I know it's okay to cry but I have nobody here who understands me I just want a hug so bad I can't take another day here with my parents. They love me, but dOn'T sUpPort iT. Fuck off I can't take shit anymore it's been fucking years I want it to stop I can't. I can't fucking take shit. I can't stop crying oh god why. I fucking hate it here. I fucking hate not being able to live authentically. I hate the fact I'm emotionally and mentally fucked up and I'm sick of my head telling me I'm useless I'm so angry. I'm so fucking angry.

 

Ok I think I got it out. Maybe.

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

54 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

Ok I think I got it out. Maybe.

 

Casual,

 

I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. Both of your parents sound like my ex and most Christians I know. They don't comprehend that children need that acceptance and love ESPECIALLY when their child is different than others. But the biblical teachings instill this toxic belief that people who are gay are bad, sinful, or even an abomination. I wish one of your parents were more accepting because the emotional toll that their refusal to accept is causing you is inexcusable. 

 

When you are feeling this way just take a step back and take some calming breaths. Tell yourself that you are good. That nothing is wrong with your sexuality, and that you are priceless. Christianity will make you feel worthless. But you aren't worthless. I know we can only give you encouragement online. But just know we do support you. 

 

I don't want you going down a spiral of depression and lose you. I have a lesbian friend that I talk to to get advice about how best to support my daughter. And she told me the statistics of suicide with children whose parents don't support them in their sexuality. I want to be that rock of support my daughter can come to when she needs it. And I will be that rock for you to as much as I can. Your story really hits home as I deal with a very similar situation between my Ex and our daughter. "I will always love you but I can't accept your lifestyle" is a contradiction. 

 

DB

[Casualfanboy16]

9 minutes ago, DarkBishop said:

I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. Both of your parents sound like my ex and most Christians I know. They don't comprehend that children need that acceptance and love ESPECIALLY when their child is different than others. But the biblical teachings instill this toxic belief that people who are gay are bad, sinful, or even an abomination. I wish one of your parents were more accepting because the emotional toll that their refusal to accept is causing you is inexcusable. 

 

Yeah, tell me about it. After that rant I feel exhausted but like also a sense of catharsis it's crazy. For being 20 I feel like the emotional rollercoaster I'm being put through right now has been so intense like holy fuck. It's already bad enough having parents and some friends who don't support or understand you. It's even worse when your own mind tries to DIY conversion therapy itself back into conformity in order to make you reverse years of progress coming out over and over and stalling just accepting myself. Like, hell. I spent too long trying to do everything in my power to "fix" myself from the very beginning: desperately praying and almost begging to die even though I didn't actually want to, watching straight porn in hopes to erase my homosexuality, trying to please my unaccepting family members when I first came out and they're going through their own stages of grief. Like, having no family who fully supports or understands you is so isolating and they will never understand what it's like to be in my shoes. Like emotionally, I've been through the wringer these past few months and they'll never get that. They love me and try their hardest. They're not horrible, but I'm pissed off at all of them because of how they've been handling this. I suffered for years and the moment I tell them I have to cater to their emotional needs because they didn't eat or sleep right for like two goddamn months and they cried and felt like shit and asked me stupid questions like "why don't you try a woman" and they're the reason I even tried to DIY conversion therapy myself in the first place so...

 

25 minutes ago, DarkBishop said:

When you are feeling this way just take a step back and take some calming breaths. Tell yourself that you are good. That nothing is wrong with your sexuality, and that you are priceless. Christianity will make you feel worthless. But you aren't worthless. I know we can only give you encouragement online. But just know we do support you. 

Alright thank you for that. I know I have been vocal a bit about how I wish I had more support irl, but I hope I never came across as ungrateful for the support I've received here. I'm glad to know an entire community of people has my back in all of this stuff I'm going through. Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much. I can't ever find a word in any language on earth that could ever fully express my gratitude for this site and the amazing people on it.

 

28 minutes ago, DarkBishop said:

I don't want you going down a spiral of depression and lose you. I have a lesbian friend that I talk to to get advice about how best to support my daughter. And she told me the statistics of suicide with children whose parents don't support them in their sexuality. I want to be that rock of support my daughter can come to when she needs it. And I will be that rock for you to as much as I can. Your story really hits home as I deal with a very similar situation between my Ex and our daughter. "I will always love you but I can't accept your lifestyle" is a contradiction. 

Again, thank you so much. Thank you all for supporting me in all of this. I'm glad to have people like you guys.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Casual, I want you to take this bit of wisdom from an old Southern farm boy, raised by an even older school father: Never underestimate the awesome power of just sitting down and having a good cry about things.  I wish I had realized that at a much younger age.  I bottled so much up, kept so much inside.  But I've finally found out that just as soon as I let it all out, I can walk away from it and begin healing.  As long as I keep it inside, I'll always have it with me.  Only by letting it out can I finally let it go.

 

 

[Casualfanboy16]

13 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

Casual, I want you to take this bit of wisdom from an old Southern farm boy, raised by an even older school father: Never underestimate the awesome power of just sitting down and having a good cry about things.  I wish I had realized that at a much younger age.  I bottled so much up, kept so much inside.  But I've finally found out that just as soon as I let it all out, I can walk away from it and begin healing.  As long as I keep it inside, I'll always have it with me.  Only by letting it out can I finally let it go.

 

 

 

Yeah, I do like me a good cry sometimes. I have a few songs that I have that make me cry too when I've bottled up so much emotionally. This one in particular gets the waterworks flowing. Spoilers for the end credits for the game Omori, but I doubt you'll play it. This game made me feel emotions. I'll have to play it again. The music is just so amazing. It's one of my favorite things and it's one of my many inspirations because of the themes of mental health and dealing with grief. Anyway, enough of me getting all giddy and excited over something. Here ya go!

 

 

[Casualfanboy16]

Hiiii!!! Just wanted to come back and say I'm extremely thankful for all the responses here. It's been a while since I felt kind of normal and seeing people rallying around me and giving me support through all this has been a great big help. This whole day has been an emotional rollercoaster. This whole year so far even. I'm just glad I joined here. I feel like I'm actually starting to see something in myself. Like actually getting somewhere. I mean, it's still going to be a while until I get to a place where things will start looking up, but it's definitely better than it was before.

 

In the short time I've been here, I feel like I'm finally able to start getting better after years and years of beating myself up and wallowing in self-pity and pessimistic thinking. It's also nice that I got recommended books and podcasts and stuff. I'll begin checking them out tomorrow. Gonna start reading Your Inner Fish. I thought it would be a good starting point and thanks to TheRedneckProfessor for that recommendation, along with the other books. Very excited to start learning stuff. It's been a while since I actually felt excited about reading lol. Anyways, really happy to be on this forum and I'm glad to have found it in the first place! Y'all are great for helping me out through all of this!!!!!!!!!