Accepting Myself

[Casualfanboy16]

I'm just writing this to give myself a space just to finally embrace everything I tried to push away all these years. For years I felt like I wasn't worth much of anything; but with this, I'm hoping moving forward I can ultimately accept myself in full, or at least move even closer to doing that and start feeling whole again. This is mainly for me, but maybe someone else out there could use this as well.

 

Hey, Casual. It's me again. We've been through a lot these past few years: with your discovery of the fact that you liked dudes, with the crumbling and eventual complete downfall of your faith, with all those years you spent wanting nothing more than to die. It was a lot to handle, but you're still hanging in there. You made it so far. It's crazy to think that you're even typing this out right now. I know you probably are still going through a lot, even though you've been doing so well. You still have to figure some stuff out, but no rush. Take your time. It'll all come together eventually.

 

I know too that you're still working on accepting your sexuality. You've spent so long telling yourself things that were never true. You spent so long listening to all these people, some your own family, say all of these awful things about you and others like you. And you know what? They aren't true. You didn't steal the rainbow from God. If you did, he should've been keeping better track of it anyway. You aren't disgusting or a sinner or an abomination or anything like that. You are human. You're alive. And that's one of the greatest things you can be right now. You may like guys, but so what? That's totally cool. If people get upset about that, that's their problem. If people don't like you for that, it's not your fault. You shouldn't be discouraged or upset or whatever. It's them that are missing out. If they get all pissy about who you're going to date and have sex with- that's on them. They had the chance to get to know you more, but due to their own prejudices and bigoted beliefs, made you feel like you were at fault for being true to yourself. If people get upset about that, who the hell cares about what they think? You know who you are.

 

You're kind; you like to draw and write; you like to play videogames to your heart's content; you have a sort of bizarre sense of humor that some people may be concerned for the state of your mental health, but point is, you're you. And that's fucking wonderful. As all humans do, you have your imperfections; but so what? It's okay to be imperfect. Nobody is perfect and that's a beautiful, beautiful thing. Don't let imperfections ruin you. Don't let them get you down. Don't let people who point them out break you. It's okay. You don't need to be perfect. There are people out there who are going to love you and care for you despite your imperfections. Who won't tell you you're a sinner or all of that for being who you are. Who will love you completely and won't judge you. You are gay and that is okay. And someday, you'll find someone who'll love you just as much as you love yourself. Just give it time. You have plenty of life left to experience. The road ahead will have twists and turns  bumps and potholes and all that, but you'll pull though. You may not believe in God, but you believe in yourself. And that's enough. Also, may you use the knowledge you'll gain from your time here to help others struggling just as you were; so that others too may finally find hope.

 

P.S. Just please, check this out every once in a while just to remind yourself about who truly wonderful you are. And make yourself a cup of tea while you're at it too lol.