Inner Critic Being a Bastard Again

[Casualfanboy16]

I'm just doing this to offset my inner critic for a bit because it be loud sometimes. Mostly for like no reason. It's getting to be too much right now. I'm gonna go drink some tea after this lol. Ranting is fun tho. It makes me feel aliveeeeee!!! 

 

Hello again, inner critic voice. Thorn in my side, pain in my ass. You've yeed your last haw, motherfucker. You think I'm useless and stupid? You think I'm not worth anything? You think I'm just some incompetent piece of crap that no matter what I do I'll always be a failure in your eyes? Fuck you. I know you'll come back. I can't get rid of you completely. We're stuck together. But god, listen to yourself talk. We aren't stupid and all that other bullshit you convinced yourself of. You may not be fuckin' Albert Einstein. You may not be the people here with their expansive knowledge of things and their vocabulary that makes you feel like an idiot in comparison, but goddammit you have time to learn shit. There's always someone going to be better than you at something. Stop fucking berating yourself. Be kind to yourself. I don't even know how you're supposed to do that. I can't even do it, but god just shut up already and fucking listen to me. You aren't all these things you tell yourself every single fucking day. And I'm not those things either. Just... stop. I'm constantly having to let your bullshit effect me. Even when I'm doing all that mindfulness stuff, it's like you're 3 steps ahead. God, you tire me out. Just be fucking quiet for like a minute. Jesus. I keep trying to improve myself, but you always say the worst shit to make me feel like garbage. I'm gonna go drink some fucking tea. You do the same. Just say something encouraging for once!!!

 

Okay done now!! I'm gonna go eat dinner before I go insane byeeeeeee!!

[Casualfanboy16]

And, to add on some more I guess: I've just been feeling kinda stuck lately. I guess it doesn't help with my self-critical voice in my head, but I genuinely don't know what to do with my life. Even with all these options like trade schools and stuff. I feel kinda like I'm just lost, terrified and this general feeling of like nothing I'm doing is amounting to much. I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm just kinda in a low mood right now. It's one of those days, I guess. I somehow managed to get a good amount of sleep, but I woke up feeling like this. I guess I'm also scared that if my parents see me like this, it'll give them more of a reason to make me go back to church or something. I hope that I can get a good night's sleep tonight and I'll be in a better mood, but right now I am not feeling good. I want to sleep, but I don't really feel all that tired either. It sucks.

 

I don't understand how people live their lives and overcome challenges. It makes me so violently angry that I can't treat myself with kindness. Seeing other people be able to grow and live and learn while I'm stuck running in circles with making any steps towards independence makes me feel so tired. I know there's no use in treating myself like this, but if I don't get it out, it'll just turn into rage, frustration, bitterness, resentment, etc, etc. I feel like a bit of a failure, which is harsh, but I have no other way to describe the feeling. Sometimes I find myself getting so caught up in my head all I can do is cry. I feel pathetic. It pains me deeply that I feel like this again. Not suicidal like I used to be in my closeted years, but it's not a fun feeling. I remember when I used to feel sort of normal, but that was like elementary school. Now I'm here. Like this. 

 

I hope this doesn't sound like a pity party for myself. I've been used to hearing that a lot whenever I got really bad with treating myself like garbage and I started telling myself this stuff out loud and I just stopped talking to my parents about my deep-rooted personal issues after I heard about that pity party stuff one too many times. This kinda led me to internalizing a lot. To be fair to them, I was a bit of a Debbie Downer on a pretty frequent basis back then. Sometimes I still feel like that. I know nobody here can really help, but I guess it feels better to get all of these heavy burdens off my chest.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

1 hour ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

 

it feels better to get all of these heavy burdens off my chest.

 

 

We see your frustration.  Hang in there!

[Casualfanboy16]

6 hours ago, Weezer said:

 

We see your frustration.  Hang in there!

I am! Don't worry!! Yesterday was just a really bad day for me despite the fact I got out of the house and did something. I'm still recovering from it. It was a rough day. I'm still struggling with those same problems and thoughts, but it's been like this for years, so I don't expect my inner voice to treat me with any amount of kindness at all haha. Wish I could figure out how to reprogram it and get it to give me some encouragement for once.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

1 hour ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

Wish I could figure out how to reprogram it and get it to give me some encouragement for once.

A path is made by walking it.  There's not some magic pill that's going to cure everything overnight.  It takes time; and, especially in the beginning, you'll probably lose more battles than you win.  But each win is a win; and each win brings you closer to the final victory.  Each cup of tea is a win.  Even if the rest of the day is loss after loss. 

 

Two wolves.  The dark one doesn't die immediately just because you make a conscious decision to stop feeding it; it only gets hungrier and more desperate. 

[Casualfanboy16]

1 hour ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

A path is made by walking it.  There's not some magic pill that's going to cure everything overnight.  It takes time; and, especially in the beginning, you'll probably lose more battles than you win.  But each win is a win; and each win brings you closer to the final victory.  Each cup of tea is a win.  Even if the rest of the day is loss after loss. 

 

Two wolves.  The dark one doesn't die immediately just because you make a conscious decision to stop feeding it; it only gets hungrier and more desperate. 

Thanks, man. I really need to hear that right now. I appreciate your advice so much. I'll have some tea once I get home from work. Admittedly, I've been slacking a bit. I get caught up in my head and some days I have trouble even getting myself to make a cup even when I have a strong desire to do that. I'm working on getting better at that. That way, I'll keep winning bit by bit.

[Mourneview]

On 9/12/2023 at 10:43 PM, Casualfanboy16 said:

I'm just doing this to offset my inner critic for a bit because it be loud sometimes. Mostly for like no reason. It's getting to be too much right now. I'm gonna go drink some tea after this lol. Ranting is fun tho. It makes me feel aliveeeeee!!! 

 

Hello again, inner critic voice. Thorn in my side, pain in my ass. You've yeed your last haw, motherfucker. You think I'm useless and stupid? You think I'm not worth anything? You think I'm just some incompetent piece of crap that no matter what I do I'll always be a failure in your eyes? Fuck you. I know you'll come back. I can't get rid of you completely. We're stuck together. But god, listen to yourself talk. We aren't stupid and all that other bullshit you convinced yourself of. You may not be fuckin' Albert Einstein. You may not be the people here with their expansive knowledge of things and their vocabulary that makes you feel like an idiot in comparison, but goddammit you have time to learn shit. There's always someone going to be better than you at something. Stop fucking berating yourself. Be kind to yourself. I don't even know how you're supposed to do that. I can't even do it, but god just shut up already and fucking listen to me. You aren't all these things you tell yourself every single fucking day. And I'm not those things either. Just... stop. I'm constantly having to let your bullshit effect me. Even when I'm doing all that mindfulness stuff, it's like you're 3 steps ahead. God, you tire me out. Just be fucking quiet for like a minute. Jesus. I keep trying to improve myself, but you always say the worst shit to make me feel like garbage. I'm gonna go drink some fucking tea. You do the same. Just say something encouraging for once!!!

 

Okay done now!! I'm gonna go eat dinner before I go insane byeeeeeee!!

I personally blame years of indoctrination for my inner feelings of inadequacy. Being told every week that I should be thankful for being alive, thankful for all my blessings and at the same time being told I was lost and hopeless and can achieve nothing by myself I think it all has had a very detrimental effect on my life. 

[Casualfanboy16]

12 hours ago, Mourneview said:

I personally blame years of indoctrination for my inner feelings of inadequacy. Being told every week that I should be thankful for being alive, thankful for all my blessings and at the same time being told I was lost and hopeless and can achieve nothing by myself I think it all has had a very detrimental effect on my life. 

Oh gawwwd yeah. One time I remember a chapel we had in school and they said something like "Without god, you're useless" or something like that. I don't remember if it was that harshly worded, because there was definitely a bit more to it, but I often feel very inadequate a lot. Like, a looooot. I can't help but feel intellectually just stupid because of certain things about me. Having my condition (agenesis of the corpus callosum) held over my head various times in my life left me feeling like I'm a complete helpless idiot some days even though I am high-functioning in that regard. I may have trouble with certain things, but it's frustrating being reminded of it because every time I bring it up I feel like it's always used against me in often patronizing or infantilizing ways.

 

This next part is deviating from your comment, but another thing I struggle with is my overall independence from my family. They've been really getting under my skin to the point being around them just doesn't make me feel okay anymore. For years I felt like absolute crap when I hid my sexuality from them. I often had horrible bouts of emotional turmoil. I was bursting with rage, but hopeless and sad a lot. It didn't help that when I was feeling low, I often got this attitude of "you're being such a Debbie Downer" from them, which led me to become increasingly withdrawn from them because I felt like I wasn't being heard. Eventually, I just kind of internalized so much rage that I began lashing out. I couldn't tell them what was wrong because I was closeted, so I had to go to therapy to have a space to vent about my shit.

 

It took years, but eventually I mustered up the courage to come out to them at the beginning of this year. I literally couldn't function normally before I came out, but the aftermath made things much, much worse. They pretty much grieved and stuff and all of those other things I've ranted about these past few months here. I've grown increasingly distant from them in order to preserve my mental health while I'm still stuck under their roof. I find it hard to get out and find the drive to meet new people because my parents keep trying to steer me towards joining this Young Adult Group of mostly church members there. I'm also not very assertive (working on that), so I've been a bit of a doormat and people pleaser throughout everything. I'm getting increasingly frustrated and violently angry with them, but I have to keep the peace because any discussion of my sexuality or me wanting to go out and find people like me always turns into a huge argument. I can't win. I'm sick of my parents not listening to me. I'm sick of having to rely on mental health professionals and people online to give me support through my suffering (not that I don't appreciate it. It's just frustrating). My family is so in the faith, so I can't entirely blame them, but I feel like I'm never being listened to unless I'm in tears or bursting with rage. I want to calmly address stuff with them, but they have the Bible shoved so far up their asses and God is so important to them that I feel like my feelings aren't being taken into consideration while I'm suffering on a daily basis from their parenting decisions and things of my own doing.

 

It's impossible to want to even get out into the world either. Christianity kinda conditioned me into thinking the world was this big, sinful, awful place. This idea only keeps getting reinforced by my Dad's constant, daily news watching. It's always on in our house. I hate it. The world scares me so much. Being alive is kind of horrifying to me, but I want to live to see a brighter future for not only myself, but the world at large even though it's impossible half the time for me to see the good in things. I just want to have a clear head for once. Something to do in life and contribute. I want to get out into the world, get out of my head and see beauty in life, but I feel constantly strangled by everything. I really want independence, but I keep pushing and pushing myself so hard. I just want out. My parents and Christianity in particular are killing me from the inside out. I'm so angry and I want to tell them exactly how I feel, but I need to do it in a mature way. I'm so exhausted. I'm feeling okay now despite the bit of a rough start to my day, but I am sick of my family even though I still love them. It sucks.

 

Edit: Bruh, I just wanna make tea in peace and my parents are talking about Christianity, Satanism and politics. Please dig my grave.

[pantheory]

On 9/14/2023 at 5:10 AM, Mourneview said:

I personally blame years of indoctrination for my inner feelings of inadequacy. Being told every week that I should be thankful for being alive, thankful for all my blessings and at the same time being told I was lost and hopeless and can achieve nothing by myself I think it all has had a very detrimental effect on my life. 

 

Now that you're here you should try to forget all that shit. Now that you're here it means that you're on top of your game -- and continuously will progressively feel better and better, about both yourself and others. 

 

Cheers