Deranged Gay Lunatic Is Back At It Again (I can't think of a creative title right now)

[Casualfanboy16]

I don't know what's compelling me to make this rant right now. I'm like too sick to think about anything coherently so might as well get my thoughts down because they're like a heavy burden that won't go away until I just vomit them out loooool. 

 

I'm so tired. I'm not just saying that because I have a horrible cold that's making my head feel all this pressure. I just want to sleep. I need to move forward but I feel like I'm constantly failing at doing that. I feel like the weight of everything is on my shoulders. I have all this power to change things, but I'm so scared everything will be the same stagnant everyday I subjected myself to for years. I want to escape from this. I'm tired of my current job, my family, being terrified of like literally everything. Every decision I make doesn't feel significant, but at the same time it means everything. I don't know why I'm even typing this up when I'm like all fucked up. My head feels like a big hydraulic press is stuck in place on it because my head cold is fucking me up. I can't think. I'm sure I'll get better as days go by, but I'm sick of the same repetitive everyday. I want to tell my parents exactly how I feel, but I can't just blow up at them lmao. I'm so angry. So, so angry. I feel like nothing is gonna work until I just do something. But I don't. I'm so frustrated with myself. Why is it impossible to be kind to myself. I feel like I'm sabotaging myself daily and I don't know why. Why can't my accomplishments just stick. I'm so tired I want to take a nap, but I have to go to work today. I'm.tired of bagging groceries, but I don't know what else to do or where to go. I feel like I'm just a pathetic person haha. I just want to go back to bed. I am tired of my job. I bag and bag and bag. I feel like I have no direction. No real meaning. Like a leaf blowing in the wind. My head feels so feverish writing this. I think I'm just gonna end it here because it hurts so bad. Sorru.

[TABA]

I hope you’re feeling a bit better since this morning, my friend.  I trust you will once you’ve gotten some rest.  Never forget that you have friends and supporters here.  I know we can only do so much but we do care.  
 

[Casualfanboy16]

17 minutes ago, TABA said:

I hope you’re feeling a bit better since this morning, my friend.  I trust you will once you’ve gotten some rest.  Never forget that you have friends and supporters here.  I know we can only do so much but we do care.  
 

Yeah I'm doing better. I think I'm gonna go set up an appointment with a psychiatrist, my therapist, and a neurologist for my brain shit here soon. I just keep losing track of things whenever I get too caught up in my head. I often forget things when that happens, get sidetracked and really thrown off. I'm doing better now, at least. I was just having a rough, rude awakening this morning.

[★ Citsonga ★]

Greetings. Sorry I'm a bit late to this, but I haven't kept up with the board like I used to (busy with work and other things). However, I hope things are getting better for you.

 

Does your user name indicate that you're 16? I know it's rough to be a nonbeliever in a family of fervent believers, and I would imagine that being gay in a family of conservative Christians would also be quite difficult. I guess I lucked out in that I didn't figure out that religion is bunk until I was an adult, and I'm straight, so I didn't have to deal with those scenarios while living with my parents. It still sucked when my parents found out that I no longer believed and wasn't going to church (I live about 500 miles from them now).

 

I do have a gay friend and a lesbian cousin, as well as a trans child. I'm soooooo glad that I was no longer blinded by Christianity when my child came out as trans. I was able to be understanding and allow him to be himself, and I was also able to soften the blow with my still-believing wife (thankfully she's not a Bible-thumping hardliner). It scares me to think how awful it would've been for our son if I'd still been entrenched in conservative Christianity when he was dealing with coming out and transitioning. I'm sure I would've made it hard on him, regardless of how much I would've thought I would be doing the right thing to try to "save her" from that. Religion really does fog up the mind and make people not realize the effect they have on others.

 

I certainly wish you the best as you deal with whatever's going on in your life. You deserve to be accepted and loved for who you are, not just for who others want you to be.

[Casualfanboy16]

3 hours ago, Citsonga said:

Greetings. Sorry I'm a bit late to this, but I haven't kept up with the board like I used to (busy with work and other things). However, I hope things are getting better for you.

Hey, Citsonga!! You're fine. Don't sweat it, my dude!!

 

3 hours ago, Citsonga said:

Does your user name indicate that you're 16? I know it's rough to be a nonbeliever in a family of fervent believers, and I would imagine that being gay in a family of conservative Christians would also be quite difficult. I guess I lucked out in that I didn't figure out that religion is bunk until I was an adult, and I'm straight, so I didn't have to deal with those scenarios while living with my parents. It still sucked when my parents found out that I no longer believed and wasn't going to church (I live about 500 miles from them now).

Actually, my username is a bit of a lie lmao. I'm 20. Still living with my parents though, although I am attempting to take some steps to slowly break away from them. Over these past few days, I got into an argument with my Mom and Dad and there were lots of tears and my Mom especially was just broken and then my Dad was yelling at me telling me stuff like "You'll never be happy. You're just gonna end up in some dingy apartment with some guy"  and several other hurtful things that I really don't feel like recalling right now because I am already having an emotionally difficult day.

 

My Mom, besides the crying, was questioning her parenting and where they went wrong and doesn't understand why I don't want to hang out with Christians who, according to her, "have a different opinion" (homophobic). Yes, because being unaccepting of gay people is totally an opinionated statement and not at all blatant bigotry, but I digress.

 

Glad you got out while not under your parents' roof though. I wasn't as lucky because I came out earlier this year. I couldn't keep it in anymore. 4 years was too long. I kind of regret doing it now, but at the same time I found this place and the awesome people in it, so I got something good out of it.

 

3 hours ago, Citsonga said:

I do have a gay friend and a lesbian cousin, as well as a trans child. I'm soooooo glad that I was no longer blinded by Christianity when my child came out as trans. I was able to be understanding and allow him to be himself, and I was also able to soften the blow with my still-believing wife (thankfully she's not a Bible-thumping hardliner). It scares me to think how awful it would've been for our son if I'd still been entrenched in conservative Christianity when he was dealing with coming out and transitioning. I'm sure I would've made it hard on him, regardless of how much I would've thought I would be doing the right thing to try to "save her" from that. Religion really does fog up the mind and make people not realize the effect they have on others.

I'm glad you got out of Conservative Christianity before any of that. Not as lucky with my family though. My Mom, Dad and Sister are all in that boat. Conservative Christianity does really fog up the mind. The amount of bigoted bullshit I've heard from them even before I came out is the reason I took so long to even say it. They are still grieving, but not around me as much as they were doing the first two months after I came out. I feel a bit lost from them anymore, but I'm glad I found this place. It's not the same, but it'll do. I love it here and the connections I've made! 

 

3 hours ago, Citsonga said:

I certainly wish you the best as you deal with whatever's going on in your life. You deserve to be accepted and loved for who you are, not just for who others want you to be.

Thanks, man. I appreciate that. I wish you the best as well on your life journey. Take care, man!

 

-Casual

[★ Citsonga ★]

1 hour ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

I feel a bit lost from them anymore, but I'm glad I found this place. It's not the same, but it'll do. I love it here and the connections I've made! 

 

I'm glad you've found a home of sorts here. This place helped me when I first left religion. Christianity had been my whole world, so I felt alone at first. This community was a great support, and someone here suggested that I check out www.meetup.com and look for like-minded groups my the area. Meeting people in person at freethinker meetups made a world of difference for me. If you'd be able to get away for something like that, you could look up groups around where you live, whether it be the freethinker / nonbeliever / atheist / agnostic sort or an LGBT support meetup group. 

 

Anyway, good luck as you move forward.

[RankStranger]

As a former bag-boy from an oppressively religious family environment, my advice is to build whatever skills you have available so you can live on your own.  You need the ability to live where and how you want.  That's what I needed anyway.  Living on your own isn't easy when you're young, but IMO it beats the hell out of hiding who you are and living by other peoples' whims.

 

When people see you as a man, and you've proven that you don't need them... their relationship to you has changed.  They don't really have a choice in that.

[Casualfanboy16]

2 hours ago, RankStranger said:

As a former bag-boy from an oppressively religious family environment, my advice is to build whatever skills you have available so you can live on your own.  You need the ability to live where and how you want.  That's what I needed anyway.  Living on your own isn't easy when you're young, but IMO it beats the hell out of hiding who you are and living by other peoples' whims.

 

When people see you as a man, and you've proven that you don't need them... their relationship to you has changed.  They don't really have a choice in that.

Thanks for the advice, Rank. Much appreciated. I'm working on that. Trying to get out there and work on independence. I am overwhelmed by anxiety, but I'm getting better. I'll be doing a lot here soon to prepare myself more for independence. I've been down in the dumps lately, but I'm trying to get back on my feet.