Bad headspace

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

Hey yall,

 

I've been seeing several posts I wouldn't mind getting in on. But have been pretty down in the dumps since my Ex left. It's weird. I know it's what we need. But it still hurts. Splitting up everything amf stuff. At this point I wish we had done this two years ago. It feels like we got divorced twice. 

     Neither of us can be comfortable anymore. She doesn't feel like she can be open about her beliefs bc I no longer believe. And I don't feel like I can be myself in my own home either. It's not like I can watch the newest Misquotung Jesus podcast on the big screen when she is there. It would be an instant fight. 

    Our kids are even telling us we don't need to be together. That means we've probably done some damage to them too by staying together. There is more. I feel betrayed by her for something. Getting way to cozy with a "Friend" in her DM's and over the phone. And I think that's what's troubling me the most. Having been cheated on before by my first wife when she met on an online game. This hit to close to home. Opening 22 year old wounds all over again. No they didn't get to the point of physically cheating this time. But emotionally...... I think so. Talking to each other like two people falling in love. While still living under my roof. Supposedly working it out with me. Guess a girls gotta keep her options open huh?

     Anyway, probably don't care to hear about my dirty laundry. It's just kinda hard for me right now and ....... yeah....... just need to .... I dunno. Make it public somewhere. That sounds bad.... but I want to post it on Facebook, send texts to her dad, shout it from the roof tops if you will. But that would be damaging for us both and our kids. So this is it. 

      Is it all her fault? Ah hell no. I've hurt her and she's hurt me. But the only time I ever looked another woman's way was when we had been divorced over two months and hadn't had sex for just as long. We had said we were moving on and I was going to go on a date. That's when she came to me at 4am one morning telling me she still loved me and wanted to make it work. I didn't hesitate. Called off my date and now I regret it. I've hurt her more, she's hurt me more, and now I don't even know if I can really be friends anymore. Atleast after the divorce we were splitting on friendly terms. 

 

Anyway, I saw we have a new member and some good threads going on. When I can, I'll post again and try to catch up. But for now.......... I just can't. As my friend Taba said. "This to shall pass". It's just gonna take a little more time. I'm already feeling a little better than I was last week. 

 

DB

[Casualfanboy16]

25 minutes ago, DarkBishop said:

Hey yall,

 

I've been seeing several posts I wouldn't mind getting in on. But have been pretty down in the dumps since my Ex left. It's weird. I know it's what we need. But it still hurts. Splitting up everything amf stuff. At this point I wish we had done this two years ago. It feels like we got divorced twice. 

     Neither of us can be comfortable anymore. She doesn't feel like she can be open about her beliefs bc I no longer believe. And I don't feel like I can be myself in my own home either. It's not like I can watch the newest Misquotung Jesus podcast on the big screen when she is there. It would be an instant fight. 

    Our kids are even telling us we don't need to be together. That means we've probably done some damage to them too by staying together. There is more. I feel betrayed by her for something. Getting way to cozy with a "Friend" in her DM's and over the phone. And I think that's what's troubling me the most. Having been cheated on before by my first wife when she met on an online game. This hit to close to home. Opening 22 year old wounds all over again. No they didn't get to the point of physically cheating this time. But emotionally...... I think so. Talking to each other like two people falling in love. While still living under my roof. Supposedly working it out with me. Guess a girls gotta keep her options open huh?

     Anyway, probably don't care to hear about my dirty laundry. It's just kinda hard for me right now and ....... yeah....... just need to .... I dunno. Make it public somewhere. That sounds bad.... but I want to post it on Facebook, send texts to her dad, shout it from the roof tops if you will. But that would be damaging for us both and our kids. So this is it. 

      Is it all her fault? Ah hell no. I've hurt her and she's hurt me. But the only time I ever looked another woman's way was when we had been divorced over two months and hadn't had sex for just as long. We had said we were moving on and I was going to go on a date. That's when she came to me at 4am one morning telling me she still loved me and wanted to make it work. I didn't hesitate. Called off my date and now I regret it. I've hurt her more, she's hurt me more, and now I don't even know if I can really be friends anymore. Atleast after the divorce we were splitting on friendly terms. 

 

Anyway, I saw we have a new member and some good threads going on. When I can, I'll post again and try to catch up. But for now.......... I just can't. As my friend Taba said. "This to shall pass". It's just gonna take a little more time. I'm already feeling a little better than I was last week. 

 

DB

Hi again DB, I just wanna say that I'm sorry all that happened to you. I'm glad you're feeling a little better, but just wanna let you know that it's okay if you need to vent and just get stuff out. I understand that this all has been extremely hard for you, your family, etc. It's okay to let it out, y'know. As I said in one of your previous posts, if you need to vent privately, I don't mind. I'll answer it ASAP! I hope you're doing okay now.

 

-Casual

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

1 hour ago, DarkBishop said:

 

Anyway, I saw we have a new member

Hello, DB. Moxieflux66 here. I am sorry your relationship but can really relate. Been there (more than twice, but I refuse to say how often ). From my own experience, Taba is right. I tend to think the 'forgetting' part of 'forgiveness' belongs to you first, in forgiving yourself and then begins the rest of the healing. It doesn't help that you tried so hard, I very much know. But in bringing it here I hope you find the healing you need. Take all the time you need for yourself and the rest will become easier. 

Till we meet again. 

Moxie 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

My brother, I wish there was something I could say that would make it better; but, having been there a time or two myself, I have to be realistic.  Nothing but the slow (often agonizing) passage of time is ever really going to change anything.  It helps, temporarily, to find some distraction to take your mind off things; but, eventually, you'll still end up having to face everything head on.  Otherwise you run the risk of living with unresolved issues (and possibly having them reopened in another 22 years).  My practice has always been trying to square off with my problems as soon as possible; and do so as thoroughly as possible.  I like putting that shit in the rear view and getting on down the road.  But I know that method isn't for everybody.  It's good that you're venting, and in such a way that it's unlikely to get back to her or the kids.  That's a level of maturity and introspection that many never achieve.  Everything is impermanent; and this, too, will pass.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Hey Db!  Remember,  your worth is not tied to her.  HANG in THERE!!

[TheRedneckProfessor]

The year was 1993; and, at the time,  I was a faithful godling in bible college.  It happened, upon a day, that I borrowed a friend of mine's car.  Now, this guy came from a privileged family; and, even though his car was an Honda Civic, it had a 6-CD stack changer and a custom built speaker box that the lord god almighty could hear all the way up on his lofty throne in heaven.  As it happened, this guy, like myself, had a rather eclectic taste in music.  He and I both enjoyed everything from Enya to Pantera, and all points in-between.  I still do.

 

That week at school was "spiritual emphasis week," a week wherein chapel everyday was an Olympic triathalon of raw emotionalism, oppressive guilt, and the restoration of soul that can only come from the heavily guttural utterances of completely unintelligible gobbledygook that we called "speaking in tongues." 

 

Suffice to say, I was in a particular mood that day, having "run my race with diligence" all week long.  So, as soon as I was fully ensconced in the Hondaic enclosure, I ran the speaker volume up as high as it would go and straight up blasted "Vulgar Display of Power."  It scratched an itch no cortisone could ever touch.  And I ramrodded my way through town, windows down and a Camel cigarette glowing like the searing red anger I felt burning inside me.

 

Now, there's a certain song on that particular album that has to do with expressing one's feelings of hostility (to put it somewhat mildly); and that  song happened to be playing as I pulled into the main entrance of the bible college campus.  Up ahead, crossing the street in front of me, was a large group of righteously distinguished men of god, who happened to be among the highest officials in the ASSemblies of Gawd at that time.  These particular whitewashed tombs, made slightly lower than the angels, were visiting campus to ensure that spiritual emphasis was properly emphasized during spiritual emphasis week. 

 

There is a focal point within this musical rhapsody concerning hostility to which I was presently listening--a point at which the music suddenly stops and the lead singer expresses a sentiment about the feelings he has centering around hostility.  He is rather loud and slightly blunt in his assessment.  And it was at this point in the song when I pulled directly alongside of this troupe of self-respecting god-men.

 

I nearly got expelled...

 

DB, I know you can identify with the song; I hope you got a laugh out of my tale.

 

 

 

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

12 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

And I ramrodded my way through town, windows down and a Camel cigarette glowing like the searing red anger I felt burning inside me.

 

You little devil!!!! Did you have to do this a lot in bible college? I could understand why. 

I know the band Pantera, and actually (for the sake of context) listened to two minutes and forty five seconds of the video but couldn't quite make out any of the words except 'fuck'. Sorry. I did get a hell of a laugh though out of your story. And am still laughing. What a picture you draw! 

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

10 hours ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

There is a focal point within this musical rhapsody concerning hostility to which I was presently listening--a point at which the music suddenly stops and the lead singer expresses a sentiment about the feelings he has centering around hostility.  He is rather loud and slightly blunt in his assessment.  And it was at this point in the song when I pulled directly alongside of this troupe of self-respecting god-men.

 

I'll have to listen to it later after work. I think I want to experience it in the same loud mind numbing way you described. But this is the most eloquent way I've ever heard a heavy metal freak out described lmao  

 

The description reminds me of the one on Disturbed's "Down with the sickness".

 

Thanks RNP

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

20 hours ago, moxieflux66 said:

more than twice, but I refuse to say how often

Unfortunately I have too. 1st and 3rd wife cheated. 3rd with a supervisor she worked for. And neighbor. I had my suspicions but couldn't figure out when she would have time to do anything. They were taking off work and he was adjusting her time so she still got paid. (Could that be considered prostitution? Cuz when I called her a whore she slapped me. But it sounds like she got paid for sex to me lmao ) anyway, I found out from his wife when she caught them, and the 2nd was a short rebound relationship from the first. Only lasted 3 months. By far my longest and most meaningful marriage was with my latest and 4th wife. We were together 14 years. We've known each other 18 years. 

 

This was actually one of the reasons I left the Baptist church. If you have been divorced before they won't ordain you as a preacher. But I felt called to preach and felt my divorces had acceptable biblical reasons which means I wouldn't have multiple wives. I would be just be divorced. They didn't interpret it that way. 

 

The Church of God of the Gospel Assembly did and I was able to get ordained with them. There were more reasons tho. They convinced me with their apologetics that they had ironed out all the contradictions I was seeing with the Baptist teachings. Unfortunately they ended up being a cult pretty much so yeah..... 

 

DB

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

22 hours ago, moxieflux66 said:

more than twice, but I refuse to say how often

I should also add, Had it not been for being a believer in the "good book". I probably would have only married twice. The first my high-school sweetheart. Total of 4 1/2 years together and my last wife. 

 

I wasn't even religious during our time together with my high-school sweet heart. I had my salvation experience about two months after our divorce. 

 

The other two were hastened to the altar as a result of guilt from succumbing to the pleasures of the flesh. And I paid a heavy price. 

 

DB

[pantheory]

DarkBiishop,

 

A lot of members of our forum have suffered because of religion. My experiences with religion were far simpler. At my mother's request I studied Christianity, Catholicism, and many protestant faiths, as a young teenager. Separate from her request, I studied many of the worlds other religions also. Although a couple of years were involved, it was not an all-out effort on my part, simply a study of interest. I went to churches, synagogues, and Temples of many different faiths and followed their rituals, which I had a cursory knowledge of, when required. One day I had a Eureka moment. I said to myself, you know, all religions are pure B.S. , only with possible philosophical value concerning some of them. But it didn't end there. I started also seeing what I believed to be B.S. concerning some sciences.

 

The point here is this: I think most religions do not hurt most of its followers. So I am very passive about religion in general as a "pure" disbeliever. I view all of them like Greek Mythology. almost like a joke. So people can preach religion to me, and if they are nice I will listen. I try not to ever be rude. When questioned, I try not to tell them that I'm an atheist. I usually say that I simply don't believe any of it and never could, because I have studied a lot about religion for years. I try not to take too much of their their time, making them understand that I'm not open minded about religion.   But IMO there are great thinkers regardless of their religious beliefs.

 

IMO there is never a reason to fight or argue about religion because they all are so ridiculous. IMO sophisticated logic is rarely involved. 

 

My advice: let your ex-wife or anyone else believe whatever they desire, no arguments. Remember, not everyone could ever understand reality. It is fairly complicated. It's much easier to believe that  God did it all. Little thinking is needed for this belief.

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

39 minutes ago, pantheory said:

My advice: let your ex-wife or anyone else believe whatever they desire, no arguments. Remember, not everyone could ever understand reality. It is fairly complicated. It's much easier to believe that  God did it all. Little thinking is needed for this belief.

 

In my opinion a lot of Christian religions are harmful. And teach harmful things. When I first deconverted I was blabbing to her about everything I was seeing. Thinking she would automatically see it as well. It just made so much sense to me when everything started to click. And she was my wife but also my best friend that I confided everything to. 

 

After a several days I noticed she wasn't talking and looked noticeably upset. I had no idea she wouldn't see what I was seeing. Knowing more about the mechanics of religion now I don't know why I was so naive. At this point we had our first fight about religion. There would be more. Mostly because she felt that because we lost that connection that our whole marriage was a lie. I understand the hurt she felt but it was never my intention to divorce or leave her. I never stopped loving her. And tried to let her believe as she would but it was still upsetting for her. In our faith the men are supposed to be the spiritual leaders of the household. When issues would come up like my daughter coming out as lesbian she blamed me. Because I wasn't leading the family in the "right" direction. 

 

She would also say that because I didn't have God anymore that there was no telling what I would do now. She truly believes that when I lost my faith I lost my morales.

 

These are all very toxic beliefs. If she had let me not believe in peace, we wouldn't have had religious arguments. 

 

Then there was the issue with the church she goes to now. They preach against homosexuals so much that my daughter came to me crying because they made her feel worthless. Just because she's gay. For just being herself. 

 

So we (my daughter and I) had to confront her. This was about 3 months ago or so. And now I'm pretty sure she probably forced my daughter to go to church with her this morning. And maybe tonight to. I'll find out tomorrow when she comes home from school. 

 

I doubt my confrontations about religion with her are over because of that. She won't even consider going to a different church instead. She is literally going to a pentecostal cult. 

 

I wish it were as easy as you make it sound. But it isn't in my experience.

 

DB

[pantheory]

1 hour ago, DarkBishop said:

 

In my opinion a lot of Christian religions are harmful. And teach harmful things. When I first deconverted I was blabbing to her about everything I was seeing. Thinking she would automatically see it as well. It just made so much sense to me when everything started to click. And she was my wife but also my best friend that I confided everything to. 

 

After a several days I noticed she wasn't talking and looked noticeably upset. I had no idea she wouldn't see what I was seeing. Knowing more about the mechanics of religion now I don't know why I was so naive. At this point we had our first fight about religion. There would be more. Mostly because she felt that because we lost that connection that our whole marriage was a lie. I understand the hurt she felt but it was never my intention to divorce or leave her. I never stopped loving her. And tried to let her believe as she would but it was still upsetting for her. In our faith the men are supposed to be the spiritual leaders of the household. When issues would come up like my daughter coming out as lesbian she blamed me. Because I wasn't leading the family in the "right" direction. 

 

She would also say that because I didn't have God anymore that there was no telling what I would do now. She truly believes that when I lost my faith I lost my morales.

 

These are all very toxic beliefs. If she had let me not believe in peace, we wouldn't have had religious arguments. 

 

Then there was the issue with the church she goes to now. They preach against homosexuals so much that my daughter came to me crying because they made her feel worthless. Just because she's gay. For just being herself. 

 

So we (my daughter and I) had to confront her. This was about 3 months ago or so. And now I'm pretty sure she probably forced my daughter to go to church with her this morning. And maybe tonight to. I'll find out tomorrow when she comes home from school. 

 

I doubt my confrontations about religion with her are over because of that. She won't even consider going to a different church instead. She is literally going to a pentecostal cult. 

 

I wish it were as easy as you make it sound. But it isn't in my experience.

 

DB

 

It seems to me that you both have a valuable connection with each other, and that at least you should try to keep a good friendship with her if possible, maybe with the proposal to her that "we should not argue anymore (religion, etc.)., so that our friendship can remain intact. "

 

best regards

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

5 hours ago, DarkBishop said:

They convinced me with their apologetics that they had ironed out all the contradictions I was seeing with the Baptist teachings. Unfortunately they ended up being a cult pretty much so yeah..... 

Seen some pretty shocking manipulations in the history of the Bible, so once again, WHO YA GONNA TRUST???

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

13 minutes ago, pantheory said:

 

It seems to me that you both have a valuable connection with each other, and that at least you should try to keep a good friendship with her if possible, maybe with the proposal to her that "we should not argue anymore (religion, etc.)., so that our friendship can remain intact. "

 

best regards

That would be fine as long as I'm not expected to sit idle by while my daughter suffers religious persecution. I won't stand for that. Otherwise there won't be any reason for us to argue any about religion. She can believe whatever BS she wants. As long as my daughter doesn't suffer. 

[pantheory]

4 hours ago, moxieflux66 said:

Seen some pretty shocking manipulations in the history of the Bible, so once again, WHO YA GONNA TRUST???

 

I think the only ones you can trust is Ghost Busters, right?  

[pantheory]

43 minutes ago, DarkBishop said:

That would be fine as long as I'm not expected to sit idle by while my daughter suffers religious persecution. I won't stand for that. Otherwise there won't be any reason for us to argue any about religion. She can believe whatever BS she wants. As long as my daughter doesn't suffer. 

 

Yeah, you have to keep an eye on that, but from my experience less than half of believers suffer from related trauma. I guess it depends upon how fanatic is the religion.

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

4 minutes ago, pantheory said:

 

I think the only ones you can trust is Ghost Busters, right  

Bingo!

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

2 hours ago, pantheory said:

 

Yeah, you have to keep an eye on that, but from my experience less than half of believers suffer from related trauma. I guess it depends upon how fanatic is the religion.

Tell ya what lol. I'll post a video. Maybe tomorrow. They film all their services. It is truly fanatical. They had a "healer" come preach revival back in the summer.