What Happens When You Prioritize the Church's "Feelings" More Than Your Own Family:

[AnonSan]

I once struggled relating to other Christians outside of my family's church. While reading through former testimonies and hearing from others who still had faith in God, I realized the peculiar aspects of my family's denomination. The environment I grew up in compelled members into adopting the church organization’s entire lifestyle as essential as breathing, eating, drinking, walking, working, and playing. The denomination took precedence over much needed personal time, family time, and rest from our hard work during the week. Unfortunately, this lifestyle has greatly impacted my relationship with my family of origin to this day.

 

To say my parents “just volunteered” to help out the church is an immense understatement. My parents are still enmeshed in it. Their members often keep tabs with each other wondering why they missed the meetings (church services) and the next. Regular members better had good reasons such as being very ill or traveling out of town on vacation (to visit another locality, a.k.a church branch). These meetings, however, were frequent as the more “spiritual” members, like my parents, attended 3-4 per week during the evenings for the working majority and midday for the housewives. My earliest memories consisted of my mom congregating with the housewives in their in-person meetups and phone calls for Bible study. These errands, and related assignments that followed, always tossed me to the side away from my mom being preoccupied in her church duties. I often experienced her verbally abusive wrath as I did not know better to not disrupt her schedule for her Bible studies. The extensive commitments and second-hand stress curated by church needs, it seemed, substantially impaired a critical time in developing healthy, verbal communication and bond between mother and 3-year-old daughter, who was already afflicted with language delay. Since then, tutors substituted my parents' place in alleviating academic and personal shortfalls I struggled with, while my parents continued investing more in the church’s affairs. Perhaps these long-term arrangements resulted in emotional distance with my own family after witnessing years of consistently placing utmost importance in building up God’s house over their own throughout the majority of my youth. 

 

Often, I see my parents attending evening church meetings, which subjected me to my brother's neglect and surviving my parents' turn to host their evening church meetings at our house once a month. Such house meetings subjected me to unruly, entitled children that have either vandalized personal belongings or could never take “No” for an answer. Despite my grievances, my parents dismissed and rebuked me for being selfish in trying to ruin the peace between the brothers and sisters (we call each other that because of the belief that we are a giant family in God’s kingdom). Boundaries were almost non-existent. Many of the church members could not confidently say no or decline requests demanded by their church elders. As children, my peers and I did as we were told to from elders, whether or not they were in the wrong. A group of teenage boys I once knew of were made to attend a youth leader’s home for dinner even though the youth leader had physically assaulted one of them at a Chistian camp retreat. The same youth leader also kept badgering me for my excessive ennui towards Sunday school lessons that he tattled on my parents. Of course, my parents followed every word he instructed and refused to hear my perspective. Often seen and never heard, anyone's rejection of church’s orders and (constructive) criticism puts the individual and their family’s risk in upsetting the organization's fragile ego and unity in “being one with Christ and His heavenly universe.” 

 

My family's childhood home has a guest room for any relatives visiting us as well as hosting some strangers, whose only common bond with them was sharing God's kingdom. Each of the local branches worldwide provide "hospitality" among their select families within that branch to shelter traveling members that are visiting a branch or attending special conferences nearby in which they need a place nearby to attend. As expected, my family always volunteered in hosting a young couple or an unmarried brother or sister for a few days at most. The presence of guests often triggered my anxiety as a child when my social skills were subpar and sensitive to environmental changes. When I got older, I had to help out my mom with the bed & breakfast and housekeeping. The worst (and last) guests were a couple who completely trashed the guest bathroom and made my parents drive up 2.5 hours to their next location just because they accidently left an arbitrary belonging of theirs in the guestroom among their 12+ luggage carry-ons. Even being away from the church halls, the personal lives of the family, especially women, became a lifelong servitude for the sake of “building and maintaining God’s kingdom.” The fine line that once separated between intimate family affairs and the church’s legalism eventually clashed its way into developing my hypervigilance and unhealthy obsessiveness in presenting ourselves as God’s “chosen” people. 

 

The examples I gave above are several, but among the many incidents that pampered the church and its authoritarian environment for decades. My family could barely help each other out without feeling resentful as well as providing a safe space in expressing our emotional needs. Such ordeals that shaped my family values and in connecting with others have been blurred over the years, as over half of our family functions became obligatory in serving the church's interests over our own. While there are members in my church that I did get along with, the majority either ranged from having minimal common interests outside of church, or imperiously distasteful towards their subordinates (Luckily, the youth leader I mentioned no longer attends my family’s church I grew up in, though his wife still attends). Nevertheless, the experience enlightened me in differentiating between genuine and fabricated friendships, albeit difficult even within the secular realm. My relationship with my parents remains apprehensive at times, but I believe it is somewhat improving as long as I can isolate most of the church legalism from my livelihood. I would rather have a small support system surrounded by a handful of people who truly care about each other than a large group of people trying to compete among themselves and being pressured into doing things I do not want to do.

 

So please, take care of yourself and your family first early on. Do not let others like church institutions subject you to lifelong servitude that takes precedence over yourself and your loved ones. 

[pantheory]

7 hours ago, AnonSan said:

I once struggled relating to other Christians outside of my family's church. While reading through former testimonies and hearing from others who still had faith in God, I realized the peculiar aspects of my family's denomination. The environment I grew up in compelled members into adopting the church organization’s entire lifestyle as essential as breathing, eating, drinking, walking, working, and playing. The denomination took precedence over much needed personal time, family time, and rest from our hard work during the week. Unfortunately, this lifestyle has greatly impacted my relationship with my family of origin to this day.

 

To say my parents “just volunteered” to help out the church is an immense understatement. My parents are still enmeshed in it. Their members often keep tabs with each other wondering why they missed the meetings (church services) and the next. Regular members better had good reasons such as being very ill or traveling out of town on vacation (to visit another locality, a.k.a church branch). These meetings, however, were frequent as the more “spiritual” members, like my parents, attended 3-4 per week during the evenings for the working majority and midday for the housewives. My earliest memories consisted of my mom congregating with the housewives in their in-person meetups and phone calls for Bible study. These errands, and related assignments that followed, always tossed me to the side away from my mom being preoccupied in her church duties. I often experienced her verbally abusive wrath as I did not know better to not disrupt her schedule for her Bible studies. The extensive commitments and second-hand stress curated by church needs, it seemed, substantially impaired a critical time in developing healthy, verbal communication and bond between mother and 3-year-old daughter, who was already afflicted with language delay. Since then, tutors substituted my parents' place in alleviating academic and personal shortfalls I struggled with, while my parents continued investing more in the church’s affairs. Perhaps these long-term arrangements resulted in emotional distance with my own family after witnessing years of consistently placing utmost importance in building up God’s house over their own throughout the majority of my youth. 

 

Often, I see my parents attending evening church meetings, which subjected me to my brother's neglect and surviving my parents' turn to host their evening church meetings at our house once a month. Such house meetings subjected me to unruly, entitled children that have either vandalized personal belongings or could never take “No” for an answer. Despite my grievances, my parents dismissed and rebuked me for being selfish in trying to ruin the peace between the brothers and sisters (we call each other that because of the belief that we are a giant family in God’s kingdom). Boundaries were almost non-existent. Many of the church members could not confidently say no or decline requests demanded by their church elders. As children, my peers and I did as we were told to from elders, whether or not they were in the wrong. A group of teenage boys I once knew of were made to attend a youth leader’s home for dinner even though the youth leader had physically assaulted one of them at a Chistian camp retreat. The same youth leader also kept badgering me for my excessive ennui towards Sunday school lessons that he tattled on my parents. Of course, my parents followed every word he instructed and refused to hear my perspective. Often seen and never heard, anyone's rejection of church’s orders and (constructive) criticism puts the individual and their family’s risk in upsetting the organization's fragile ego and unity in “being one with Christ and His heavenly universe.” 

 

My family's childhood home has a guest room for any relatives visiting us as well as hosting some strangers, whose only common bond with them was sharing God's kingdom. Each of the local branches worldwide provide "hospitality" among their select families within that branch to shelter traveling members that are visiting a branch or attending special conferences nearby in which they need a place nearby to attend. As expected, my family always volunteered in hosting a young couple or an unmarried brother or sister for a few days at most. The presence of guests often triggered my anxiety as a child when my social skills were subpar and sensitive to environmental changes. When I got older, I had to help out my mom with the bed & breakfast and housekeeping. The worst (and last) guests were a couple who completely trashed the guest bathroom and made my parents drive up 2.5 hours to their next location just because they accidently left an arbitrary belonging of theirs in the guestroom among their 12+ luggage carry-ons. Even being away from the church halls, the personal lives of the family, especially women, became a lifelong servitude for the sake of “building and maintaining God’s kingdom.” The fine line that once separated between intimate family affairs and the church’s legalism eventually clashed its way into developing my hypervigilance and unhealthy obsessiveness in presenting ourselves as God’s “chosen” people. 

 

The examples I gave above are several, but among the many incidents that pampered the church and its authoritarian environment for decades. My family could barely help each other out without feeling resentful as well as providing a safe space in expressing our emotional needs. Such ordeals that shaped my family values and in connecting with others have been blurred over the years, as over half of our family functions became obligatory in serving the church's interests over our own. While there are members in my church that I did get along with, the majority either ranged from having minimal common interests outside of church, or imperiously distasteful towards their subordinates (Luckily, the youth leader I mentioned no longer attends my family’s church I grew up in, though his wife still attends). Nevertheless, the experience enlightened me in differentiating between genuine and fabricated friendships, albeit difficult even within the secular realm. My relationship with my parents remains apprehensive at times, but I believe it is somewhat improving as long as I can isolate most of the church legalism from my livelihood. I would rather have a small support system surrounded by a handful of people who truly care about each other than a large group of people trying to compete among themselves and being pressured into doing things I do not want to do.

 

So please, take care of yourself and your family first early on. Do not let others like church institutions subject you to lifelong servitude that takes precedence over yourself and your loved ones. 

 

Howdy AnonSan. Enough rain and cold weather for you  in SF this past year?  Didn't know there was still so much church-first stuff goin on up there after the Hippy era and the 80's. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

9 hours ago, AnonSan said:

 

So please, take care of yourself and your family first early on. Do not let others like church institutions subject you to lifelong servitude that takes precedence over yourself and your loved ones. 

 

Your family was virtually "married" to the church.  My mother was not that way, but my father who was an elder at our church through my teen years, spent more time doing church work than with family.  My mothers complaints were ignored.  

 

It is good that you made the break with the church and are developing a different lifestyle.

[AnonSan]

14 hours ago, pantheory said:

 

Howdy AnonSan. Enough rain and cold weather for you in SF this past year?  Didn't know there was still so much church-first stuff goin on up there after the Hippy era and the 80's. 

 

SF Bay Area has been foggy and gloomy lately, so I have been drowning myself with peppermint infused hot cocoa. 

 

My family's denomination of origin was at their peak or most radicalized period around the 70s-80s. Around the mid-late 80s was when major scandals and questionable behavior among the organization's leaders surfaced. However, many current members do not even know of its shady history as we were taught not to read and look away from such "poisonous" thoughts crafted by Satan's temptations.  

[AnonSan]

13 hours ago, Weezer said:

Your family was virtually "married" to the church.  My mother was not that way, but my father who was an elder at our church through my teen years, spent more time doing church work than with family.  My mothers complaints were ignored.  

 

It is good that you made the break with the church and are developing a different lifestyle.

 

Because my family married the church, they were unable to cultivate their own hobbies. This became more apparent whenever former elders assigned my parents more responsibilities before they moved away. The church's former accountant gave all the of church branch's entire fiscal responsibilities to my dad and an elder sister made my mom the branch's leading housewife without consulting with her first. Of course, my mom became overwhelmed, but my dad told her to just push through it despite her tears. Once my parents moved out of state, my parents did the same thing to the next eligible candidates, whether or not they would like to do so. 

 

I am glad that I no longer bear the endless responsibilities and emotional burdens after leaving the church. However, my newfound lifestyle remains challenging. I have completely cut off an entire church network that gave me access to certain opportunities and helped financially secure my parents' future when my parents immigrated to the states. Now it is just me, my husband, and my best friend of 10 years. Still, I can never return back to my family's church for the sake of my mental health, though at the same time can understand why current members are hesitant to leave as some see the church as their only support group for survival. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Is your "used to be" church the Unification Church?

[AnonSan]

1 minute ago, Weezer said:

Is your "used to be" church the Unification Church?

 

My denomination was the "Local Churches" a.k.a. The Lord's Recovery Movement founded by Watchman Nee in China then passed onto Witness Lee when he established the first American grassroots in Anaheim, CA. 

 

Heard about the Unification Church and their "Moonies." They make my family's church look tame compared to what they do and their outside influence. I'd say my church of origin and organizational structure and beliefs is most similar to Jehovah Witnesses, minus the heavy media propaganda produced from Watchtower.

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

On 12/11/2023 at 5:39 PM, pantheory said:

 

Howdy AnonSan. Enough rain and cold weather for you  in SF this past year?  Didn't know there was still so much church-first stuff goin on up there after the Hippy era and the 80's. 

Right??? I didn't know either! 

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

On 12/12/2023 at 8:37 AM, AnonSan said:

SF Bay Area has been foggy and gloomy lately, so I have been drowning myself with peppermint infused hot cocoa. 

 

Ahhh....true comfort food! Didn't Mark Twain say something about SF weather....? 

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

On 12/12/2023 at 4:59 PM, AnonSan said:

Heard about the Unification Church and their "Moonies." They make my family's church look tame compared to what they do and their outside influence. I'd say my church of origin and organizational structure and beliefs is most similar to Jehovah Witnesses, minus the heavy media propaganda produced from Watchtower.

The Moonies are now run by the founder's son, who is worse than his old man, I hear...

[pantheory]

On 12/22/2023 at 11:22 AM, moxieflux66 said:

Ahhh....true comfort food! Didn't Mark Twain say something about SF weather....? 

 

Yeah, Mark Twain''s related SF weather quote was:  "the coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. "

 

Of course as a "humorist" he would say something like that -- emphasizing a point while stretching the truth, resulting in something to laugh at: SF's often cold-and-gloomy weather.

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

10 hours ago, pantheory said:

 

Yeah, Mark Twain''s related SF weather quote was:  "the coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. "

 

Of course as a "humorist" he would say something like that -- emphasizing a point while stretching the truth, resulting in something to laugh at: SF's often cold-and-gloomy weather.

Looks like I'm going to have to depend on you for my quotes from now on. 

[pantheory]

My quotes are usually from looking it up but I can't always cut and paste it.  Sometimes I write it from short term memory and misquote a word or two.

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

On 12/25/2023 at 10:48 PM, pantheory said:

My quotes are usually from looking it up but I can't always cut and paste it.  Sometimes I write it from short term memory and misquote a word or two.

I might as well call my quotes paraphrases. 

[pantheory]

33 minutes ago, moxieflux66 said:

I might as well call my quotes paraphrases. 

 

Paraphrases are a good one sometimes

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

1 minute ago, pantheory said:

 

Paraphrases are a good one sometimes

I like to think I capture the spirit of the quote anyway.