Missionary Kid — interesting Research

[Salemite]

It has be hard to put into words what I felt like my childhood was like being a missionary kid (MK). I came away from it feeling isolated, like I had nowhere to belong, carrying a significant amount of self hate with a feeling that I was broken (like something was very wrong with me), and having few skills that would help me be successful in America. I surmised that I somehow was ungrateful, struggled with depression because I was broken/sinner, and that I was an outlier in the overall sentiment I had about my childhood. I was shocked to see there was research on TCKs (third culture kids) and MKs and that it validated my narrative about my childhood…I am not crazy! The emotional abuse and neglect was real and I feel the way I do with good reason. 
 

Physical neglect among missionary kids was nearly 1.5x higher than among Americans, and nearly 2x higher than among non-mission TCKs. 

 

Emotional abuse is sky high in missionary kids. Those most devoted to God are most likely to neglect their families for the cause. This is twisted.
 

Every time I was upset about something I was declared ungrateful or I needed to see how petty my issues were compared to those we served who were suffering so much more. My parents were revered in their community so I had the “best” parents one could ever ask for and I was so lucky. I needed to show perfection or my dad’s job and reputation was in jeopardy. This is too much responsibility for a child. It’s no wonder I became so good at duty, overriding my gut feelings and intuition, feeling isolated, never feeling validated for what I felt or thought, deprived of autonomy, had no skills because knowing Christ was the only thing I needed, never belonging because my real home was in heaven, etc. It’s been hard to come to terms with my past and how poorly it set me up for “real” life. 

 

Here is some research and articles on MKs:

 

https://www.tcktraining.com/blog/2022815caution-and-hope-for-missionary-kids

 

https://www.tcktraining.com/blog/20230427mitigating-risk-factors-for-mission-kids

 

https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2022/march-web-only/third-culture-missionary-kids-trauma-deconstruction-church.html

 

So interesting right? Anyone here have these experiences? I wanted to share as this research and those articles were really healing for me. Hope this helps someone else out there who is struggling like I was.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

I was not an MK, but watched how some were treated. I recall one missionary mentioning that her little girl was raped by a native pastor, but that they didn't mention it because they were going to trust god to deal with him. Her daughter even spoke at the gathering about how childlike her mother is. She sounded weary of the burden of such a mother. The same missionary mentioned a boy that was molesting and raping in the compound, and lovingly called him a "rascal". What a twisted view of reality! The kids look to the adults to provide a safe environment, and to give them justice if wronged, but the adults in this case made them "turn the other cheek". 

[Salemite]

Hi Fuego! Thanks for sharing. I feel really lucky to never have been raped.  This would add a whole other layer of betrayal that would be very hard to come to terms with and heal from. What you describe about turning the other cheek when wronged does have some interesting consequences when that isn't the persons volitional decision but instead forced or highly encouraged by adults/peers around them. It inadvertently leaves the victim wondering if what they went through wasn't that big of a deal, that justice in their case isn't worth fighting for, and ultimately sets youth up for feeling like they are powerless and what they get in life is what they deserve. I often felt like my parents didn't have my back and that it was important for me to always take the high road and swallow any injustice done to me.  It was damaging. Then the added layer of of being female, which in conservative Christian circles, is just another layer of "death to self" via silencing, demotion, and having to relinquish one's autonomy to the men in one's life.

 

I think what ultimately has made it hard for me to completely come to terms with some of my experiences and how they shaped me was that it wasn't all bad. My parents are good people, they did love me, and there is a lot of truth and goodness to be found in scripture and in the Christian community.  So it was confusing (a mind fuck) ... I couldn't walk away thinking that it was all bad. I was just so confused about why I felt the way I did about myself and how handicaped I was psychologically. I understand they did the best they could with the knowledge they had.  It was a lack of understanding about what is good for kids (love, nurture, validation, processing, creating an environment of openness where curiosity was encouraged etc) that did quite a bit of harm.  Looking into psychology was avoided and scoffed in our Christian circles. The Bible was the source of all truth for my parents (and it has so many mixed messages it would be hard to decipher the "best" way to raise a "good" kid), they left their family and country to serve the Lord, learned a new language and tried to assimilate into a foreign country to bring the good message to the people. We moved every 3-4 years so we were nomadic and this puts a lot of strain on families which leaves little reserve to wonder how the kids are feeling or doing or what they need.  The Lord's work was of upmost importance so everything else was inconsequential. We were homeschooled so there was a lot of isolation and then we weren't allowed to go out with other teens because they were doing bad things like dancing or partying.  So very little peer interactions were approved of and the adults around were all indebted to my parents for saving them from hell and teaching them the truth. There were no boundaries between work and home life....it was all devoted to The Cause.  This environment isn't good for kids but the Christian community in the States saw missionaries as the ultimate badass expression of the faith. So the whole thing was an interesting experience that created so much cognitive dissonance.  A lot of good things came from my childhood and quite a few damaging things. I know this is not unique to MK experience's and many of you have faced similar childhoods. It is too bad more people don't look critically into what they believe in because the steaks are so high and these decisions of faith have so many ramifications.

 

It has been 9 years since I deconverted. I am grateful to be free from the mental gymnastics it took to believe in the Bible. I am grateful to be free to think and explore without fear.  I am grateful I can accept others more freely and be curious about their experiences and stories without an agenda. I am grateful to believe I have value and that my thoughts and feelings matter. And I am grateful for the research that has been done on Missionary life as it has helped me in my journey of recovery (being understood and validated I think is an essential part of healing for me). I am grateful for this blog and the people who post as it is nice to know that we are not alone in our experiences or thoughts.  Thanks for listening.

 

[TABA]

Hi Salemite!  I was about to welcome you to the community when I noticed that you’ve actually been a member since 2015!  I guess your “New Member” label is because you haven’t made very many posts.  In any case, may I say that I’m glad you’re here and I appreciate your latest contribution.  I do feel that for most people, a successful deconversion and a happy post-Christian life is helped by having fellowship with fellow-travelers, the kind of fellowship I’ve enjoyed here for several years.  We are social creatures. 

 

22 hours ago, Salemite said:

I think what ultimately has made it hard for me to completely come to terms with some of my experiences and how they shaped me was that it wasn't all bad. My parents are good people, they did love me, and there is a lot of truth and goodness to be found in scripture and in the Christian community.  So it was confusing (a mind fuck) ... I couldn't walk away thinking that it was all bad.

Many of us here would readily agree that it wasn’t all bad.  A lot of good is done by believers and there is plenty of wisdom to be found in scripture.  That said, I have found it liberating in so many ways to completely reject Christianity and its god.  Pretty much all the good in Christianity can be found outside of it.   Separating myself completely, rejecting all the theology and dogma, produced a wonderful decluttering of my mind and has allowed me to add back in principles that I find to be true and valuable for living a fulfilling life.

 

22 hours ago, Salemite said:

It has been 9 years since I deconverted. I am grateful to be free from the mental gymnastics it took to believe in the Bible. I am grateful to be free to think and explore without fear.  I am grateful I can accept others more freely and be curious about their experiences and stories without an agenda. I am grateful to believe I have value and that my thoughts and feelings matter. And I am grateful for the research that has been done on Missionary life as it has helped me in my journey of recovery (being understood and validated I think is an essential part of healing for me). I am grateful for this blog and the people who post as it is nice to know that we are not alone in our experiences or thoughts.  Thanks for listening.

Thank YOU for taking the time to write this.  I share your gratitude!  I hope to hear more from you!