Older Christian Family Friends/Relatives

[Amethyst]

How do you deal with older Christians who are friends of the family or relatives? My parents are throwing a 50th anniversary party tomorrow for an elderly couple who are friends of theirs from church. They want me to be there. I like these people, but they are lifers and will never leave the cult. They would also probably be heartbroken, and I can't do that to them. To top it off, the older lady always comes right out and asks me if I'm still going to church somewhere.

 

I just say yes, I have my own church and it's more liberal (which is where I was going until just a few months ago). I am still doing their website because nobody else has stepped up to say they really want to do it, so they technically still consider me a member. One of these days I will probably use the "don't have enough time" excuse, but for now, it's just a hobby. They're also a United Church of Christ church and very liberal, and they actually do some charity stuff rather than just talk about it over coffee and doughnuts, so it's not like they're fundies or something. If they were, I'd have quit doing the website out of principle months ago.

 

It's very annoying, though, to have someone your family considers a close friend to keep asking that, as if where you go to church and what cult you belong to is the only thing that matters in life. Whatever happened to common interests? Whatever happened to respecting others for who they are, not who you want them to be?

 

[Ouroboros]

Yeah, this IS a hard one.

 

I have a similar problem. My parents and siblings are still xian and they live in Sweden.

 

Later this year I'm planning to go over there and visit, because my dad is really sick. But I don't want to hurt my parents feelings. They've been very good parents and they're old, I just can't hurt them. My siblings I don't care so much if I hurt, they can take it (some of them even deserve it).

 

So most likely I will pretend and try not to get into the topic and try not to go to church with them.

 

It's a conundrum.

 

[Amethyst]

Well, I've been honest with my parents and close friends (at least, my age). But it's the older ones I'm concerned about. (These people are like, in their 70's or so.)

[pitchu]

Tell her, "I've found a compatible group of brothers and sisters, yes, thanks, Mrs. _____." Say it with a big smile and instantly change the subject to the church website -- ask her if she's visited it lately. Then you're back in charge. You will not have lied. She'll never know that we brothers and sisters are a bunch of crackpot infidels like you!

[Amethyst]

Say it with a big smile and instantly change the subject to the church website -- ask her if she's visited it lately.

 

They're in their 70's and don't know how to use the Internet. I'd show them except that I'd probably get a lecture if they realize it's a UCC church.

[Clearview]

I try my best to be as clear and short as possible about my lack of belief, and I do not invite debate. I'm keenly aware that it is most hurtful to the oldest family members/friends to see that the girl they watched grow up, and perhaps helped to raise and mold into a good Catholic girl, is now a non-believer.

 

It works best when you can assert your position without giving them anything more to go on, like when my mother's Baptist best friend gave me some Christian journals this past Christmas.

 

She approached me and said, "I know you're not sure where you stand with God right now, but these journ---"

 

"Oh no, I'm sure." I broke in with a direct and confident smile, and sat back down. That was that.

 

Because my parents home is so small and this conversation took place close enough for my sister-in-law to hear, it was brought up later for review (by SIL) and she, even though she is Catholic like the rest of the family, applauded the quick smackdown.

[pitchu]

They're in their 70's and don't know how to use the Internet.  I'd show them except that I'd probably get a lecture if they realize it's a UCC church.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Then change the subject to anything distracting.

 

Not the literal exchange but the general flow was what I was trying to convey.

 

Good luck.

[Amethyst]

Well, I had no problems with them...but one of their sons started talking politics, which is never a good thing to do when you're in company of people you don't know that well. I voted for Kerry, and have no problem being honest about that. I don't treat people badly because they voted for the other guy, but man...this guy was acting like a total fundie, and started quoting Bible verses at me. I told him that I didn't believe it was for us to judge others because nobody is perfect, and it even says that in the Bible, and that we should just agree to disagree. He didn't want to let it go right away -- he apparently hated Kerry because of something he did years ago in Vietnam. (I thought the Swift Boat commericals were eventually debunked?) It's so annoying to get preached at by people just because your political views differ.

 

That was exactly why I left my parents' old church in the first place -- that, and the general judgemental views they had. This guy was even trying to get me to say that it is RIGHT to judge others because we have laws against murder. Um, that's not what I was even talking about. What an idiot. And here this guy is 400 pounds overweight, saying that it's okay to judge others for being different??? I'd fgigure he'd be all for the opposite. Maybe it's a low self-esteem thing, I don't know. I do know that when I went to church, I had extremely low self-esteem. I also got so damn tired of my old church mixing politics and religion. People should have the right to vote for whom they want to, without feeling guilty over it.

 

I hate fundies, and the fact that he's the son of my parents' friends makes it all the more harder to deal with. Ugh.

[Alice]

The only people I refuse to tell are my 80 year old, in bad health grandparents.  They would be so heartbroken and I cannot fathom them knowing.  My grandparents are such sweet people and they have NEVER been the preachy type, they are so very precious to me.  They've been married almost 60 years and my grandfather is still pinching her on the rear, saranading her, giving her baths (he can wash the mountains but not the valley...LOL)etc.  When I speak with them I feel like a little girl and as a child with divorced parents, they were my joy, happiness, and stability.  My grandpa still calls me each year on my birthday and although he has the most horrid voice every, it's the call that I look most forward to.

 

They are baptist but they have never once preached, or got up on a holy high horse.  Both of them mean the world to me, I don't know what it would do to them if they knew I deconverted, so they simply just won't know.  My stepfather, who is an agnostic, has admired my grandparents because not once, in over 25 years of knowing him, have they ever preached at him or tried to convert him.  They just simply loved him as is, although when not around they'd pray for him to know Jesus.  :-)

 

Perhaps if they were the nightmare type religious elderly couple, I'd do it just for spite, but they're not.  Sorry, I can just go on and on about my grandparents.  I'll stop.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

They sound like just the kind of people you could tell - and who would just keep on loving you the same way - who would be interested in whatever path you walk - becuase they are interested in and love you irrespective of where you tred. They sound like people who want you to be real with them.