Religious Trauma caused by Evangelical "Friends"

[Ilovemykids4]

I have hesitated writing this post because the situation is so long and complicated and it's hard to simplify and still understand.  But I will try my best.  For me, someone who was raised Catholic and as a result of this experience started questioning my faith and is now an atheist, the mindset of fundamentalist evangelicals is so foreign, so bizarre, which is unfortunately what allowed this situation to come about to begin with.  I was very very naive and trusting.  I will list some things in order to simplify things

 

-Close friends for 11 years with people we knew were "christians", but they always hid the name of their sect and I just thought they were non denominational devout christians

-They had a lot of weird rules, but in my naïveté I believed since they were all happy and the 3 kids were obedient and well behaved how could it be bad?  The thought never entered my mind.

-This mother's 3 kids and mainly 2 of my 3 kids were friends...close in age.   My older son and her son became very close, my younger son and her younger daughter became best friends. 
 They all were like siblings

-They grew up together, and we spent a lot of time together as families also

-Father in that family was very controlling and was the ultimate authority, even over the mother.  I just ignored him because I didn't like him. 

-Some of their rules:    women not allowed to speak in "meetings"/women can't cut their hair/women have to cover their heads during prayer/women are 100% submissive to men/

                                       no makeup/no nail polish/no jewelry/no pants/no reading secular material/no secular music/no instruments except piano/no churches for ANY reason (they 

                                       only meet in their home/no TV/no movie theaters/no marrying outside their small sect/only KJV bible/no public schools, only homeschool/no socializing with 

                                      certain other religions like Jehovahs witnesses/"To Train Up a Child" used as discipline in the home....(because kids are just willful sinners I was told)/. no

                                      celebration of birthdays or any other holiday (especially christmas) except for Thanksgiving, which we used to spend together as families 

-A lot of these rules only came to light little by little.  But I have to admit I still didn't see much harm.  I know I was very stupid

-EVentually...my older son and her oldest daughter fell in love.  The father forbid them to talk to each other for 2 years when he knew they had romantic interest in each other.  They obeyed of course...he is SOOOO smart and knows what the lord wants for them.   They were both 18. They were allowed to see each other at their twice weekly "meetings" that my oldest son had started attending at about age 16.   In the beginning I did not see the harm, and as he got deeper and deeper into it and I started to see some of the pamphlets and books he was bringing home, I tried to keep him from going, but he would not listen to my warnings about getting too involved.   I offered to take him to a church, but he said that the father said that churches were wrong according to the Bible.  

-After 2 years, they are allowed to speak again, and cared for each other even more, but were still Never allowed to be alone.  

-July 2022 they were finally allowed to "date" .  They were both 22

-December 2022 they became engaged, as per the wishes of the father...short dating period followed by short engagement because otherwise they might be tempted to "fornicate"

-Married in July 2023.   Saddest wedding I've ever attended.  No music, no dancing, no alcohol of course, only hymns and preaching about the participants needing to be saved from going to hell.

- About a month before the wedding, my younger son became friendly with the younger daughter's best friend at the time.  They would go to lunch, go to Starbucks, etc.   Well....all hell has broken loose because of this.   The younger daughter became very agitated, started ignoring my son in our home (we were doing things like wedding flower prep, etc) and elsewhere.  She was very rude, would give him the cold shoulder, etc.   She made it very clear that she didn't approve...as if she had authority.   Turns out she does think she has that authority.

-Even during the wedding, she would not speak to him at all, and it left him very upset and confused and hurt.  He is a very simple, loving, caring person and he couldn't bear the thought of his best friend treating him this way.  she truly was a sister to him for 11 years.  

-After the wedding, she asked him to come to her house to discuss things. Him being so trusting, went to see her.  She had set up 2 chairs facing each other in their living room and proceeded to blast him with evangelizing, preaching, castigating and reprimanding him for 2 hours about bible verses that said he could not be alone with or date an "unsaved" person if he was saved.   He came home and cried like a baby on me at the age of 18 because she said she could not have a relationship with him if he continued to see this girl.  He had lost his best friend and became severely depressed and almost suicidal due to the confusing nature, the betrayal, and the knowledge that his own brother agreed with all of this, which felt like another betrayal

-I didn't understand what was happening and came to find out that within months of knowing these people, when I was not at their home and they were all playing there, that this family "saved" my son, and that now he was considered one of "them".     This alone is enough to make me, as a mother, so full of rage that I can't see straight.

-The threatening/shunning texts continued, with my son practically pleading with her to work on their friendship, declaring that he loved her like a sister, would always be there for her, cared about her, etc.  Little did we know at the time that those things mean nothing if you are not in the saved group or if you are in the saved group but don't follow all their rules.  

-after more toxic words (that I believe were composed by her father because they are VERY attached ), my son didn't respond anymore.  This lasted 6 months or so.   Then we hear that she wants an apology for him not talking to her for 6 months...after she made her feelings known about him and what he was doing.  I think she wanted capitulation to her demands.  

-My son reached out again on his birthday.  He, again being just a kind and loving human being, said he missed her, that he didn't want her to be left out of all the events that her sister was at (because she is now my daughter in law remember), and she again blasted him through text with words that I find so bizarre I still cannot process.    She told him "Feelings don't matter in a situation like this....I am concerned for your soul.  You are a poor testimony to both your family and her family.  If you would like to be friends again, I can schedule a time to resolve this".     Like some kind of robot.    this is a girl I loved like a daughter.  She hid this side of herself from me.    

-All of this is made even more bizarre by the fact that the girl my son is dating was BEST FRIENDS with this other girl, and she was ok to be friends with, but mostly a whore that needed to be saved?     And lately, both the girls  (my daughter in law and her sister) have been love bombing my son's girlfriend.  I think they want to manipulate her to come back to their bible meetings and wear dresses and leave my son.   It is freaky and I think I need others to confirm that for me because it all feels surreal.   

 

At this point, I finally understand who and what these people are.  I'm horrified and devastated to find that my older son believes what they believe, and he is now pretty much one of them.   It has destroyed me.  My son who wanted to be a biomedical engineer is no longer here....he now believe in creation, not evolution.  My son with the beautiful, intelligent mind who loved Emily Dickinson poetry and The Old Man and the Sea and other great literature, now surrounds himself with bibles and other biblical texts only.  That is what his mind is full of, and what his mind spends its time on.   My heart is broken beyond repair at what has been done to him.

 

My younger son is  starting therapy to deal with what he has lost.  I am still trying to find a therapist that will understand what has happened to us as a family, to me as a mother,  to my sons, etc.   The fact that this woman let my son be evangelized when he was 7, and her husband and daughter, at least, expect to be able to impose their belief system on him because of that, make me sick to my stomach.  My son is tortured by having to hear his new sister in law talk about his previous best friend as if she is so wonderful, and he is hurt to his core.   

 

yet a part of me pities this girl.  She is almost 20...is afraid to even wear a bathing suit (nothing is modest enough), has lost many friends, including 3 best friends because of religion, sits in her house with her parents and a kerchief on her head, no social life, no friends, no future because the lord hasn't brought anyone to her for love and she is ok with that, will never get married or have children, has accepted it all, and it makes me sick for her, even as I'm angry at her too.  

 

The situation is so foreign to me...I had no idea there were people like this in the world.  I will add that they shunned their own son for 2 years for some biblical misstep.   He threatened suicide during this time, by mental health treatment is forbidden so he never got help and went back to his family even more devout.  He, too, has shunned my son, using horrific words about my son burning in a lake of fire, and being told that if he ever sees him in public he will not acknowledge his existence.

 

My youngest, who was very little when we met but rarely was at their house without me, spent some time there a few times when my mother was ill and dying.  I trusted this woman with my life (how wrong I was) as we were best friends.   Apparently she, also, was scared into saying this sinner's prayer, and because she was a VERY strong willed girl and had many behavioral problems due to being adopted and having spent time in an orphanage) was told there was a SPECIAL place in hell for her, shown pictures of this place, and has had nightmares about this place for years now.   She never told me the specifics, but when all of this started happening around her she came to me and said "you know they consider me "saved" also" and then told me about the special place in hell that was waiting for her.   No amount of words or reassurance by me have so far been able to help her get over it and feel that they were wrong.   She told me she will always wonder what if they are right for the rest of her life.   So that is chid number 3 harmed by these animals.  

 

My former friend (the mother) shunned her own parents and brothers after marrying this man, who I think is the source of all the narcissistic behavior.    He forbade her from seeing her parents as they disapproved of the marriage to this man.  She never spoke to her parents or brothers again.   She was 16 and he was 31 when they married...or maybe they waited until her 17th birthday because then she didn't need her parents approval.  They "dated" for 6 months.

 

The trauma done to my younger son is tremendous.   He understands their belief system, but as a human being, can't understand the words and behavior.  He struggles with depression and anxiety and this will never go away for him.  He will move on...is dating this girl who is so lovely and kind but is considered a "whore" by this other family even as they tried very very hard to evangelize her, but he will never get over the loss of his best friend of 11 years.  Never.  And he will forever be marked by the betrayal he feels his brother has perpetrated by being a part of the family that hurt him.

 

Because my older son is involved with this family, I am in a position of knowing that anything I say can be used by this man to try to separate my son further from us.  As it stands now, he is here a lot, is still close to me as much as we can be knowing what is between us.  It is very very difficult.  I love my son so much, see his conflict, see the person I raised is still in there somewhere, and hope he will come back to me fully and remember his mother's unconditional love is what he will always have, despite being told that that is wrong.  He was taught by them that even your parents' love pales in comparison to Jesus' love and that you must turn your back on your family in order to follow Jesus.  

 

I have studied evangelical fundamentalism for years now.  I finally understand on a cognitive level, but can not process it on a human level.  So I have come to understand that they have all sacrificed their humanity to this god.    It is truly inhumane.   I can see it all now, but it is obviously too late to save my children the harm that has been done.  This family is truly insane.     I am a fool, and my guilt as a mother for letting his happen to my kids is literally killing me.   My husband doesn't understand why I am so depressed but to me it feels no different than if someone were standing in front of me 24 hours a day punching my children in the face.  And honestly this is worse because I can't stop it, DIDN'T stop it, should have stopped it, and now they will suffer because I was stupid.   I have lost so much of my older son, and fear losing more if this father knows I am an atheist, if they think my younger son is fornicating, if he knows how much I disapprove of their religion, etc.  I know he will take my son from me.  I know he wants that control, just as he controls all of his kids, my older son, his wife, etc.  He is a disgusting man. 

 

I barely know which direction to look anymore to not see pain and loss and heartbreak.  There are so many tangents, and in my mind, both of my sons have been harmed and some days I don't know which one to cry about more.  Although I know in the end, that my younger son has us stilll, has sane people in his life, and will eventually be ok, I know that I  cannot save my older son from the harm that has been done, and he will never know what he has lost.   

 

I have a lot more to say, but I will spare you all more details unless someone wants to know more.  Oh by the way...the name of the sect is Open Brethren.    A sickening offshoot of Protestantism, and a pretty extremist organization. 

 

[Ilovemykids4]

I hate to add to this novel above, but something maybe someone who was an evangelical can explain to me....these people, including my older son and daughter in law, have friends that are doing much worse things than dating according to the Bible.  Some of their friends, unmarried and living together for years, are getting married, and the daughter in law is happily involved in her friends' wedding planning.   The son from this family that was shunned for 2 years has always brought people home that are unmarried and pregnant, for example, and they were welcomed.  I don't understand WHY my son is targeted like this.  And only him.   It is something I can't wrap my head around.  Is it hypocrisy?  Just because he is saved?   And if it's just because he is considered one of them that he is judged so harshly, how can they reconcile that all in their heads that they are close friends with people "living in sin", but yet your own brother and best friend is to be shunned and harassed and abused this way?    This is a sticking point for me and I can't seem to resolve it in my head.  

[♦ Fuego ♦]

1 hour ago, Ilovemykids4 said:

they have all sacrificed their humanity to this god.    It is truly inhumane.   I can see it all now, but it is obviously too late to save my children the harm that has been done.  This family is truly insane.

 

Yes, cults are based on nonsensical views of reality and often seem to enjoy abusing others because they feel like they are the "in-crowd" with god, and anything they do or say has his ok. It is like the current awareness building in the country over Christian Nationalism. Non-Christians have no clue how extremely motivated these believers are by the invisible imaginary world of demons and angels, rule-driven systems where god "loves" you but just loves bloodshed and is just itching to torture you over any perceived disobedience, and who expects absolute groveling obedience and self-loathing. There are honestly thousands of such cults, often led by narcissistic people. Some have a veneer of being socially acceptable, clean-cut, even look like business leaders (like our current Speaker of the House in Washington DC, and Amy Coney Barrett on the Supreme Court). But their entire interpretation of reality is consumed and formed by fear of a petulant Middle Eastern tribal god who is no more real than Spiderman. 

 

It is sad that your family ever got involved with such a cult. The frustration you feel with their targeting of your son is because their actions and underlying beliefs have no basis in reality. Expecting crazy to behave normally isn't going to happen. Expecting compassion from those whose god is a bitter cruel tyrant is only going to end in pain. I used to hang out with Pentecostals that would regularly make proclamations of "Thus saith the LORD! Blah blah blah" and then say stupid shit that they actually thought god was speaking through them. The mentally ill people on the street where I work are openly obvious about their delusions. There are millions of people who would normally be rational but who are defined by their invisible friends and enemies, and whose social circle is made up of those who also believe in these invisible things.

 

We each have a powerful ability called choice. Getting free from clearly toxic people is the goal, rather than staying with them and hoping they will become non-toxic. Each step away from them may feel painful, because the pain we know is often more comfortable than going towards the unknown (particularly when they have filled your imagination with graphic torture). Realize that their god, demons, angels, etc are all completely imaginary and the threats are empty. The only voice their god has is theirs, the only punishment comes through them. Chose to leave and put physical distance between them and you. Your kids have the same power of choice, and need to realize that no amount of wishing and praying will change others who have chosen to be cruel. There is no fixing them. But choosing to leave them and their view of reality is the first step towards a life free of them and toward finding actual happiness. 

 

[Ilovemykids4]

9 hours ago, Fuego said:

 

Yes, cults are based on nonsensical views of reality and often seem to enjoy abusing others because they feel like they are the "in-crowd" with god, and anything they do or say has his ok. It is like the current awareness building in the country over Christian Nationalism. Non-Christians have no clue how extremely motivated these believers are by the invisible imaginary world of demons and angels, rule-driven systems where god "loves" you but just loves bloodshed and is just itching to torture you over any perceived disobedience, and who expects absolute groveling obedience and self-loathing. There are honestly thousands of such cults, often led by narcissistic people. Some have a veneer of being socially acceptable, clean-cut, even look like business leaders (like our current Speaker of the House in Washington DC, and Amy Coney Barrett on the Supreme Court). But their entire interpretation of reality is consumed and formed by fear of a petulant Middle Eastern tribal god who is no more real than Spiderman. 

 

It is sad that your family ever got involved with such a cult. The frustration you feel with their targeting of your son is because their actions and underlying beliefs have no basis in reality. Expecting crazy to behave normally isn't going to happen. Expecting compassion from those whose god is a bitter cruel tyrant is only going to end in pain. I used to hang out with Pentecostals that would regularly make proclamations of "Thus saith the LORD! Blah blah blah" and then say stupid shit that they actually thought god was speaking through them. The mentally ill people on the street where I work are openly obvious about their delusions. There are millions of people who would normally be rational but who are defined by their invisible friends and enemies, and whose social circle is made up of those who also believe in these invisible things.

 

We each have a powerful ability called choice. Getting free from clearly toxic people is the goal, rather than staying with them and hoping they will become non-toxic. Each step away from them may feel painful, because the pain we know is often more comfortable than going towards the unknown (particularly when they have filled your imagination with graphic torture). Realize that their god, demons, angels, etc are all completely imaginary and the threats are empty. The only voice their god has is theirs, the only punishment comes through them. Chose to leave and put physical distance between them and you. Your kids have the same power of choice, and need to realize that no amount of wishing and praying will change others who have chosen to be cruel. There is no fixing them. But choosing to leave them and their view of reality is the first step towards a life free of them and toward finding actual happiness. 

 

Thank you so much for your response.  I am learning more and more about what people with this worldview are capable of, and it truly IS scary.  I have started listening to freethought radio and they are trying to educate people about Christian Nationalism.  That is also something I knew nothing about, and it needs to be fought.  

You are right on target about my family's involvement in this cult and how toxic they are.  It is incredibly sad,  especially because their toxic beliefs have forever poisoned my older son and that is something I will never forgive or make peace with.   I do not want to lose any more of him, but I know they have changed him into something that is just like them in so many ways...which is always their goal when they make "friends" apparently.  

Thank you also for your encouragement about putting as much distance between us and them.  It is hard, as I said because of my older son, and it will be a source of conflict for the rest of my life because I want nothing to do with the family he married into.   But I have to do what is right  for us, and hope against hope that some day my older son will return to the person he was before they poisoned him.  I will keep loving him and being the mother that taught him about being a good human being.   

 

 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

1 hour ago, Ilovemykids4 said:

 

  But I have to do what is right  for us, and hope against hope that some day my older son will return to the person he was before they poisoned him.  I will keep loving him and being the mother that taught him about being a good human being.   

 

 

Don't lose hope.  You are a good mother and he has seen another side of life when younger.  Hopefully his earlier experience will help him come to his senses later in life.  Several on this site have done so. 

 

I hope you are not in an isolated rural area where you and your other children are exposed to the cult members on a regular basis.  I am a retired mental health therapist, and agree with Fuego that you need to distance yourself from these people.  And if you are not already doing so, see a mental health professional to help you work through this, as well as your two younger children.   You might also want to contact RECOVERING FROM RELIGION website.  Also, continue writing here as much as you like.  That is what we are here for!  It is good therapy just to write about it, and sometimes just writing can help you have new insights.  HANG IN THERE!!

[DanForsman]

Hi and welcome Ilovemykids4. Sorry for how gummed up your life has become due to interaction with this cult. You shouldn't blame yourself for all the different things that have happened. As you have learned more and more you have tried to make adjustments to protect your own family structure an that's all any of us can do. I think the high standard for your son has to do with marrying off their daughters to perfect partners and I suspect they have targeted your younger son to become a good compliant god fearing husband for their younger daughter like your older son is for the oldest daughter. They may well have prayed as a family for such an outcome. That would explain the young daughter becoming unhinged and pulling every string to get your son back in line when he became interested in her best friend. Other people who were not closely entangled with their, oh so godly, family wouldn't need to meet such a high standard as someone they are grooming to be one of their own through marriage. That's my guess on why there are different standards and expectations for the different people this family befriends without having the benefit of knowing any of the involved parties. Reason is of no particular concern where god is doing his magic. Appreciate the power that these cults wield and realize that you are just one person struggling against that and be kind to yourself even when your best efforts don't bring the results you want so badly. I'm glad you came here. You sound like a reasonable person so hopefully talking with other reasonable people many of whom have had bad experiences with at least somewhat similar cults will bring a you at least a measure of comfort. Thank you for sharing and as others have said don't lose hope because really you just never know.     

[AnonSan]

Hi Ilovemykids4,

 

I am so sorry to hear what your family has been through after years of manipulation being dragged into cult's affairs. Cults like that family's have mastered brainwashing and teaching their devotees for many generations to drag unsuspecting individuals in integrating and adopting the cult family (lifestyle). So, to echo everyone's sentiments, you are NOT to blame for any of this. I am not of Evangelical background, but I also experienced such lies and deceit from both perspectives: (1) Being my family (particularly my own mother) and church cult that followed similar tactics via lying by omission while I was used as my mom's lure in befriending other families that have children within my age group to convert them ASAP in expanding the cult community; and (2) Having to end friendships because ex-friends in college had the second agenda in converting me and join their Christian cult by taking advantage of my social loneliness at the time. Both positions and perspectives were truly frustrating and exhausting to be in and all it takes is one manipulative person, like the father in that family and my mother personally, within the cult community to flip your sense of reality and trust upside down for many years ahead. 

 

Like what everyone has said already, therapy does wonders in navigating through the religious trauma. It's vital to be kind and taking care of yourself right now as without this self-love and healing would be giving the cult more power and control. Do not lose hope to getting your elder son back and keep reaching out to us whenever you need to rant or need assistance. If you have not already, I highly recommend reading into Steven Hassan's BITE Model, which describes the specific methods that (religious) cults use to recruit and maintain control over people. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ilovemykids4]

On 4/8/2024 at 12:54 AM, DanForsman said:

Hi and welcome Ilovemykids4. Sorry for how gummed up your life has become due to interaction with this cult. You shouldn't blame yourself for all the different things that have happened. As you have learned more and more you have tried to make adjustments to protect your own family structure an that's all any of us can do. I think the high standard for your son has to do with marrying off their daughters to perfect partners and I suspect they have targeted your younger son to become a good compliant god fearing husband for their younger daughter like your older son is for the oldest daughter. They may well have prayed as a family for such an outcome. That would explain the young daughter becoming unhinged and pulling every string to get your son back in line when he became interested in her best friend. Other people who were not closely entangled with their, oh so godly, family wouldn't need to meet such a high standard as someone they are grooming to be one of their own through marriage. That's my guess on why there are different standards and expectations for the different people this family befriends without having the benefit of knowing any of the involved parties. Reason is of no particular concern where god is doing his magic. Appreciate the power that these cults wield and realize that you are just one person struggling against that and be kind to yourself even when your best efforts don't bring the results you want so badly. I'm glad you came here. You sound like a reasonable person so hopefully talking with other reasonable people many of whom have had bad experiences with at least somewhat similar cults will bring a you at least a measure of comfort. Thank you for sharing and as others have said don't lose hope because really you just never know.   

 

This post has helped me so much, so thank you very much for that.   I, too, have wondered the same thing.  I keep saying that there HAS TO BE something else besides just him dating an unsaved girl that is causing this harsh treatment.  I also believe that this girl was hoping the same thing...that my son was her last chance to get married because no one else is around.  There are about 25 people total in this cult, most of them older.   Her over the top "happiness" about her sister's wedding also feels like "the lady doth protest too much".   I actually feel bad for her, and know that her life is being wasted.   I cared for her and I hate to see anyone suffer.  

Talking with others here has been invaluable to me.  I needed to hear some things from the point of view of people that have been where this family is.  Because my brain just can't make sense of it.  Also thank you for the tiny glimmer of hope.  I've been saying that my mother's heart cannot take having zero hope, so I have to hold onto the tiny bit that I do have.  

 

 

[Ilovemykids4]

Thank you all that have replied and given advice and commiseration and have helped me understand a little more about this cult.   I have no experience with this level of crazy religion and I was, and still am, shocked beyond belief at the belief system and worldview of these people.  

 

I will continue to educate myself as much as I can, and I will probably have lots more questions and stories to share.   

 

Thank you all again.

 

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

Hello again Love! I'm glad you got such sound advice from our wise members and though I'm a bit late to this bus, I'd like to add that the reason IMO the cults are growing in number and desperate measures is that there are so many! Whoever has the craziest notions gets notices first, as well as whoever grabs the narrative first. That means the rules can change any time it's inconvenient for any of the members of the cult. 

 

They're basically social clubs/businesses. They share many of the same characteristics that small businesses do, with a store front, budget, membership, rituals, etc., etc. Everyone knows ya gotta have a gimmick to 'sell' your brand of cult so anything goes! 

 

Some cults target Military personnel and loiter outside military bases lying in wait for young, bored, horny airmen with pretty, young women from the cult, knowing if they can lure the men in and grab their paychecks and patronage, the cult will grow. No dirty tactic is spared. 

 

They play/fight dirty. And yes, xtian nationalism is a real thing, a real threat and has to be resisted. Thank you for noticing. IMO it's the unholy marriage of church and state, something our forefathers VEHEMENENTLY opposed. 

 

Be diligent, understand this is a smokescreen that passes for spirituality and keep your kids in the loop. Get help for your trauma and be safe. We're all here for you.