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Lanakila's Anti-testimony


Lanakila

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Well, I was originally converted to xianity on Jan 29 th 1986 in a fundy Baptist church during a revival meeting. I had been invited with a friend (Mark who had recently rededicated his life). Jan 29th 1986 may not have significance to you, but it was the day after the space shuttle Challenger exploded. I had attended the revival on Sunday, and on Tues the shuttle exploded. Well of course I was convinced I was a wicked sinner, and that if I had been onboard I would be writhing in hell. So I was ripe for the pickings. My bf and first love had just moved on, and I had spent a xmas with people I barely knew, missing my family terribly.

 

Thus my life as a fundy began, and I immediately was immersed in church and bus ministry, and outreach. I had a testimony: God had saved me, so I had something to sell, and I did. I was in Hawaii at the time and since its a tourist area, there are lots of opportunities to talk to people if you are friendly enough, and I was. I did eventually lead a Japanese buddhist lady who owned a liquor store to Christ, but that was about it during my time in Hawaii. Then I met my Soon to be ex husband at the Post Office on base. See I was in the army and so was he, and I saw he and his buddies sitting on the steps of the post office and politely invited them to church with me. Of course they jumped in the car and we went to my Baptist church.

 

Fast forward a little bit and we were engaged because I knew in my heart that he was God's man for me. Then we both were discharged and on our way to Bible College. I had "surrendered" to be a missionary and so it was determined that is what I should do, and since I was going, so was he. We were married halfway through our freshman year of college, and began our very fundy, very Bible centered marriage. Then the kids started coming, and the ministry kept us busy, as well as his trying to work, and go to college.

 

Fast forward to 1991 and, he graduates but I don't because I couldn't take 17 credit hours while having babies. So he is hired by a friend of ours, home church as an assistant pastor. We move to a suburb of Cleveland and are fully in the ministry now of a dinky Baptist church. Soon after arriving there I am pregnant with our 3rd child, and he is offered the position of pastor because the other pastor is moving on. The church votes us in at the urging of the former pastor and we move into the parsonage next door. We find out the church life isn't a bowl of cherries right off when he is given the books, with bills overdue, and missionaries not paid. That all gets taken care of and then the real problems start. Issues with trustees/wives and then the kicker, he dared to preach against racism the day before MLK day. This split the church, and caused an uproar like you wouldn't believe.

 

So we left and he joined back into the Army and moved to Colorado. He became a deacon there and we took a break from fulltime ministry. All this time he was continuing his education in Theology and Bible, with a desire to be a Chaplain in the army. We were both so zealous for God, and wanted to win the whole world to Christ. He served his time in CO and and then we moved again and he got a scholarship to Liberty University in the Master Divinity program. I worked in Childcare in CO, and so in Lynchburg did the same thing. While in Lynchburg we attended Falwell's church,and I was involved in Evangelism Explosion, and even trained others in this program. He graduated in 97 and applied to the Chaplain program. He was accepted and off he went. We moved to Hawaii in April of 98 and began the ministry as a Chaplain family. I went back to my original church and was hired as a Kindegarten teacher. My kids attended that xian school for one year, and then I tried to homeschool. I was a full-blown fundy guys, protecting my kids from the evils of Pokemon, and Dragonballz was an important thing that I did. Homeschooling didn't go well, as I was now pregnant with our 4th child, so it was decided that public school was for us.

 

In Hawaii I got a computer and adopted this online name from the name of my church that means victory in Hawaiian. When our tour in Hawaii was over with a few fundy incidents, we moved on to Hampton Roads VA, and I joined a huge Mega Southern Baptist church. The year 2000 had come and gone and Jesus didn't return, which had started causing some doubt. Then I started debating on Christian forums with atheists. I had already dumped many of the legalisms from fundy Baptists because they were adding to the Bible. I started having trouble with the doctrine of the Trinity and was discussing this with ex. It wasn't long before I believed a type of modalism in regards to that doctrine, and was a Jesus only type xian. I didn't tell anyone because thats heresy in the circles I came from. I started back in college, this time taking external classes from Liberty. Then the war happened. Ex was deployed, I was worried and life basically was me praying most every night for his life to be spared by God. Somehow he managed to survive, and things calmed down, but he stayed over there still. I was stuck at home with my kids and working in childcare with kids and going fucking nuts. But, meanwhile the problems in my marriage that I won't go into here, were coming out. So my life was just plain stress.

 

I tried to plan a wonderful reunion for when he came back, and it didn't work out for many reasons. First off a cruise is expensive, and my babysitter couldn't get off at the right time, and came too soon. So we did plan a getaway to Nags Head, and then something terrible happened and he couldn't get away. So our reunion didn't happen. We took a small family vacation and came back to a hurricane soon afterwards. Pat Robertson's prayers for the hurricane to turn around didn't work.

 

I was taking a class in Theology from an apologetics prof, and he was teaching apologetics along with Theology. I was moderating my ass off over at CF by this time, and still debating atheists. I had a formal debate that my ex helped me with on the existence of God. I challenged my debate partner to do a Rene DeCartes mind dump, and I hadn't done that myself. I always assumed God had to exist.

 

Then I started a thread on the Resurrection of Jesus. It took me awhile but suddenly its like my eyes opened to the circularness of it all. I was struggling with Calvinism and Arminianism too. Baptists for the most part are Calvinist in doctrine, but I realized awhile before this that Calvins God was evil. The only other option to me as a fundy was Arminianism. I accepted that for quite awhile (about 6-8 months). But my fundy brain couldn't handle any errors/contradictions in the Bible. Romans is Calvinistic and 1 John is Arminian. They are contradictory doctrines, and so the Bible contradicts itself. Add to this I was being convinced after reading the actual Bible that the OT God and the NT God were two different entities. I was having a mind melt.

 

I resigned as a moderator at CF and started reading this book called: The Book Your Church Doesn't Want YOu To Read. By about halfway through I didn't believe any of anymore. I knew it was the greatest hoax played on mankind. But, my emotions were still tied to my faith, and so I was begging God to show me the book was wrong, and that "He" was real. I got absolute silence. I never heard anything else in my heart after that point that I could attribute to any diety. I am fully convinced that all the things I thought I was hearing were wishful thinking.

 

I waited a short time and then posted a thread over at II explaining that I had deconverted. After a few people that knew me from CF convinced me, I went back and explained in a short post that I didn't believe anymore, and shocked the shit out of those people. After a month or so I went back and debated for the other side, now as an atheist. I did that for a few months, but lost the taste for it.

 

I found this site and have loved it since. Yes my marriage ended, but not as a result of the deconversion, really. The deconverting just showed me that this is the only life I get, and suffering now for heavenly rewards later is pointless. I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy., so its over. I struggled with drinking too much for awhile, but now have that under control.

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  • Admin

Thanks Lana.

 

It's good to read your story.

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Thanks so much for posting your story, It was a fascinating read. I admire your strength to be able to honestly question all that was True to you at the time, and truly seek the truth. It's one the hardest things to do.

 

I also have 4 Kids! :) (All teenagers now though :Doh: )

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Thank you for reposting this, Lanakila. It was good to read it again.

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  • 2 weeks later...

heloo Lanakila, its me again your arch nemises, Reusablepheonix, mr.humansoul, and now Ben borg again.

ahh I rememebr those days at worthyforums, you hated my guts, I think mostly because I was on webTV and my infrared keyboard never worked right, which probably convinced every one I was on drugs or something. I am sure LOL. but even when you were still fundy, I could always see that part of you that was educated, kind and tolerant, and most of all a seeker of truth. even while i offended you non stop with my obbsessive posting of offensive topics. LOL heehee.

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  • 10 months later...
Guest JP1283

I loved reading this, and especially loved you talking about it on the Infidel Guy Show. I listen to it often on my iPod at work.

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Thanks for sharing. I really enjoyed reading your story.

 

It's good to know which members of this site were active debaters in their 'former life.' I may need to call on you in the future. =)

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Thanks Lana,

 

 

I didn't read your story last time (in the old boards?), so this was great. A totally amazing story, and it's so good to have you here. :)

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Thank you for sharing this Lana. Wow! You were a mod for CF.

 

Taph

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Yes I was a mod over there at Christian forums in GA, news, and protestant/evangelical forums, and for awhile in the sex and christianity forum. (no longer exists)

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The deconverting just showed me that this is the only life I get, and suffering now for heavenly rewards later is pointless.

 

This is one my favourite lines. Exactly the way I felt the minute I decided I didn't believe anymore.

I also wanted to say that it is good to know there is hope for the Christians that come to the forums trying to convert us. Sometimes I think the militants, like I was, are the most likely to eventually deconvert.

 

 

Thank you for your post,

 

Lorena

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