The Mind Is A Powerful Thing...

[jasonwhatever]

I can say that without a doubt the mind is a very powerful thing....it has the ability to make hell out of joy and joy out of hell. Looking back on my life, I will say that there have been several periods where I have felt very crushing depression, identity crises, periods of deep darkness as if demons were tormenting me. I have also always had a very powerful imagination. I was always extremely different....extremely shy, aloof, "eccentric," artistic, antisocial. I never talked to kids throughout elementary; I could not relate. I always felt picked on or inferior-- so much so that once I skipped school. I just could not bear to go to school...I said that I would rather die than put up with the kids' picking on me. I also was extremely shy, always worrying. I used to dread, literally dread, going to school...I would go home after school and cry. I would literally count down the hours until the next school day would start. It was my solace to know that there were say 8 more hours that I could enjoy until then. Then I would get scared as the morning came up. There definitely was a lot going on in my mind growing up that, looking back, should have told everyone that I definitely needed a lot of psychiatric help. Then I lost my father at about 8...he moved off to Alaska (far away from my southern state) and rarely ever called. And then, better yet, came the Baptist missionaries. You can imagine the brain fuck they did on me, as, looking back, I believe that they saw me as a shy, moldable child who had lost his father. So they sold to me the notion of God being my father, so they could make their child ministry look well-founded, and thus continue to be funded by the Baptist Church. Of course, a young emotional kid like myself went for that hook, line and sinker.

 

All growing up I remained very quiet, withdrawn, introverted. My teachers thought I was very gifted and had me tested for gifted and talented. I passed with an iq around 140. I was also always very good with painting and music. I always felt gloom growing up, like there was impending disaster at some point close. Growing up, I would often think that I had various physical ailments....I would watch a fundraiser Saint Jude Children's Hospital and I would truly think that I had leukemia. My brother was also very intelligent, also gay, very gloomy, and often thought he had a physical problem.

 

At 18, before I left for college, I had the most debilitating depression I can possibly describe. I remember just sitting on the floor with a most crushing feeling, as if a horrible darkness had fallen onto my soul. It manifested in physical things also, such as me feeling like I was dying. I thought that I would just go to college and live what of it that I could and then just die. I truly thought that I would be dead within 2 months. I remember another time while I was still in high school that I thought that I was dying, that I had cancer. I used to hold my hand to my wrist as a kid because I thought that my heart was going to stop beating. I was making sure it wasn't skipping beats.

 

At 19, I felt like I had committed the unpardonable sin. This was total terror and dread for about six months. Then for a few years I denied all, thinking that I was of the elect, of those called and Chosen. And now, at 27, since last October I felt a horrible dread like I'm going to die....like I had been written out of The Book of Life, and I am accursed forever.

 

I think that if this is not all my imagination, then certainly I am very insane. It has consumed my life. It has ruined my life. But it feels as real as real can possibly feel. I told my boyfriend that I was 99 percent sure that I was going to be dead on Passover. That came and went and I did not die, thankfully. At times in my life I have thought that people were against me when they really probably were not. What am I? Manic-depressive? A pschizo? I'm sure that I also have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Plus, I'm gay. Sure, there's a lot of bad wiring going on in my head. But, I'd rather be a stark raving lunatic than burn forever in hell.

 

I was reading biographies of some artists, composers, poets of the past. They, as most know, were riddled with horrible mental torment. Several of the most well known had absolutely crushing depressions, many committed suicide. Some were so depressed at times as to be rendered unable to function. It's amazing how powerful the mind is to persecute itself. I used to say before my reconversion at 19 that my mind is my own worst enemy...it persecutes me.

[Onyx]

No worries, you will get through it. I know it.

Jason, you don't have to suffer.

You'll be a much celebrated genius when you're still alive, just hang on in there and come out better than ever.

 

Your boyfriend will be a proud man when he sees you get through your hard times and if he feel bad, he'll turn to you for inspiration.

Your friends will be proud of you.

If you and your boyfriend ever marries, it'll be with the knowledge you led a courageous and great life.

 

Just hang in there.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Well jas, welcome to the Sainted BrothaHood of Massive Unerachievers Club.

 

I test well above 145 on most IQ tests, the fuckers aren't fun to take anymore,meat.space or e.life. Like BFD anymore.

 

What I have I done with the ability to be a "True Test Taker"? Been a fuckoff most of my life and lived life like a madman with his ass a'fire.

 

Religion for me was an attempt to turn of the "logical voices" in my thinking processes, the voices that seemed to always have some insight into the things I was working on.

There isn't much I can't disassemble, repair and put back into service when I get of my underachievers ass an do something..

 

Will say that being *smart* has let me over the years make more money, have more sex, do some kickass things, and have more adventure than a *norm* stuck at a mikkieDez job.

 

Greatest pain for me was turning off the thinking and accepting the pastorship of those whom I considered my mental lessers. Folks who didn't care to explore deeply, nor wanted to find answers past the past silly bullshit used to keep the mental_floss_sorts in line.

 

You get to make the choice of what you want to do wtih a high IQ and attending ability to process information.

 

I simply chose Freedom. Encourage you to do likewise.

 

kL

[Antlerman]

Jason,

 

Have you ever looked into the concepts of cognitive therapy? I hear a lot of my own torments of years back for myself in some of the things you are saying. I wrote music prolifically during the time of greatest upheaval and torment in my life. It was my only voice to sooth the intensity of thought and emotions of joys and dreads that flooded my mine back then. My religious beliefs were only things to clutch at that was suppose to hold promise, but in the end I had to deal with myself.

 

I discovered in speaking with a professional at that time who saw instantly how I functioned, a book on cognitive therapy. It was actually just a self help book he recommended. I couldn't put it down and it helped me more than any promises of interventions by God or being "optimistic" or any such other things that may work for others but failed completely for me.

 

In essence, though it gets more involved, emotions are the caboose on a train and thoughts are the engine. We think a negative thought, our emotions respond, and here's the catch: that feeling of dread confirms to our minds that the thoughts are valid! I have a feeling you know what I'm saying. The point is that that thought is likely NOT valid. I used to think that it was "lying to myself" to think otherwise than I did. It is not. You learn to see alternatives, and see that they are equally valid possibilities. In essence, we are making a choice either to be happy or to be tormented. The power to change how I lived my life was totally in my control.

 

Having a high IQ brings a powerful mind to learn to govern. But the point is, it can be governed. You learn yourself and what works. You don't need to believe everything you tell yourself. It's all about you choosing what you want to feel.