Is This Relationship Going To Work?

[Guest Erik]

I've read a lot on this message board recently and I thought I'd write a little about my situation. There's been some similar posts to mine, but everyone's situations are a little bit different and I was hoping to get some advice.

So, I've been in a relationship with a catholic girl for the past 2 years. She's not overly religious, rarely goes to church other then holidays, but does have a stong belief in God and agrees wtih much of the church's teachings (though is definitely more liberal protestant then Catholic, though she wont admit this (has no problem wtih pre-marital sex, birth control, gays, or abortion). Her family is much more conservative however and her father is a church deacon and all that.

 

So, we've been talking about moving in together and along wtih that have mentioned marriage. Before now, we almost never talked about our beliefs other then saying we respect each others rights to believe however they want. I have no problem with her going to church so long as she doesn't expect that I'll go. But now that we're at this point in our relationship we have been talking about how we would want to raise our children. She is VERY adament about bringing up any children the same way that she was brought up, church every sunday, all the Catholic ceremonies including the baby baptizing and first communion ceremonies, and catholic school for the kids. She told me that if she were to give up any of these things for her children she'd be doing them a disservice and would end up being resentful for it.

 

I'm willing to compromise (read: give in) to some of these things. I really don't care that much about the baptizing thing. It doesn't mean anything to the child...I do think it's wrong to indoctrinate a child by performing such a ceremony beyond it's will, but the ceremony is really for the parent, not for the child and is just a one time thing. My real concerns are with forcing the child to attend church every week and pushing for the child to attend catholic schools. I don't mind teaching my children about different religions, but I would definitely do so in a comparitave and historical manner, not as a forced belief system.

 

So, I've started to wonder if there is any hope for our relationship. How do other people in a similar situation where one parent wants to bring up the children religiously and the ohter wants to bring up the children with more open minds deal with this problem. It seems like it's worse in catholicism because there are so many ceremonies and catholic schools, most other denominations wouldn't have to worry about this nearly as much. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Erik

[pandora]

You won't get kicked out for being positive.

 

Why don't you post your story so we know more about you? Are you Christian, what?

 

Erik-- I think you'll be fine... as long as she is okay with you telling the kids what you believe (or don't believe) and why. The kids will most likely be very Catholic if raised as she wants, but perhaps you can come up with a deal later on... such as not making church mandatory. I don't think anyone should be forced to go to church at all... my husband, even as a highschooler, was forced, and he's very bitter about it. They would turn over his mattress, pour cold water on him, whatever it took to make him get out of bed.

 

You two don't have children yet, correct? Perhaps by the time you have children she will have loosened up a bit. You never know, she may have mostly deconverted and given up on religion by then (or at least any specific form of religion, like Christianity).

 

Others on here have mentioned a Unitarian Universalist church as a compromise, that way you could both attend and be involved... but I am not sure how it has worked out for the others.

[Ro-bear]

 

 

So, I've started to wonder if there is any hope for our relationship.

 

 

Maybe, but don't force-fit it by yielding your parental rights. There is no way I would agree to what she wants. You should demand equal time in terms of teaching a worldview. If my wife had insisted on such a thing, I wouldn't have impregnated her.

[Blue elephant]

My experience of sending my kids to a Christian school has been that it was the most powerful thing to ensure they didn't follow Christianity.

 

Why? Because they experienced the other "Christian" children being horrible and bitchy! They realised that all the talk about being nice to people was just so much hot air.

 

I could almost recommend you send your children as a deconversion tool.

 

Good luck with your relationship decisions.

[BlueGiant]

Having been through public schools, and comparing them to Catholic schools, I can tell you that your kids won't be missing anything, except religion classes. Doing them a disservice, my ass. I would suggest not rolling over right off the bat. That doesn't bode well for the future of this relationship.