Question For The Gay Guys

[thunderbolt]

So, some of you know the sordid details of my life, and lets not go into a bitter rant about that, but I started looking around at website and places to meet guys, and I am somewhat disillusioned. Seriously, are there guys out there that are interested in a relationship that is more than skin deep? Don’t get me wrong, I like a set of six pack abs just as much as the next guy, but for gawd sake, why do most of these guys only want to screw around? Where do I even begin to meet quality guys that are about more than this? Just someone in whose arms I can wake up, feeling a connection that transcends words and the thrill of not waiting to go home to be with him? Someone I can build a life with? Do most gay guys even comprehend the meaning of the word monogamous?

 

So, I guess I am asking:

What is the longest relationship you have had?

Where did you meet?

Where is the best place to come in contact with such guys?

 

It’s tougher than I thought, but He is out there …. (ha – notice the capitalized H – had to throw that in.) Yup, that’s how serious I am about relationships – someone I can worship – if you get my drift …

 

[pandora]

Well, if it's any solace, my gay cousin had the same partner for 12 years, and has had his latest partner for over 6 years... so it can be done.

 

I think it's hard to find someone interested in a long term relationship, gay or straight... especially if you aren't Christian.

 

Sorry, no suggestions... but my guess is that online dating/hook up sites are the best places to find someone with something long term in mind, especially in the gay community. Maybe if you got involved in the local gay bar scene or in political groups working towards legalizing gay marriage, you would have better luck... I don't know.

 

Best wishes... I am sure it will be worth the wait!

[I Broke Free]

Do not despair Thunderbolt, the type of men you seek are out there, and waiting to meet you too.

 

I met my first partner at the age of 19 (he was 21). We were together for eight years when he died suddenly in a helicopter crash in 1987. I won’t go into my rant about how I lost $360,000 to his asshole parents (who had disowned him for being gay a decade before he died) because we were unable to marry. My current partner and I have also now been together for eight years and our relationship just gets better every year. I am now 45 and my partner is 39 years old.

 

My current partner and I met online through a dating service. We both lived in the SF Bay Area and had made it clear that we were looking for a permanent relationship in our ads; it seemed to do the trick.

 

During the 11 years I was single between partners I also met many great potential partners while a member of a gay bowling league. Look for gay clubs and organizations that you find interesting, such as civic organizations or political organizations. (Don’t you live in the Bay Area? There should be plenty to choose from.)

 

We moved to New Hampshire five years ago and I was surprised to find that most gay men here are paired up. The few gay organizations we have here are not sexually oriented at all. The gay organization we joined here in NH is basically a social club where we eat out every Friday night and have potlucks every month. It seems like every six months or so some member in the group finds their soul mate.

 

Good luck to you.

 

IBF

[Ex-COG]

I have a gay relative that has been married (yeah, not legal, but the liberal church did it) for 14-15 years. His partner had a long term relationship before that, which broke up due to alcoholism. As Pandora said, it's hard to find someone interested in a long term relationship, gay or straight. But I think it's possible. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

[Mike D]

My experiences have not been that great. The longest relationship i've ever been in is 1 month (yes, 1 month, pathetic I know), and I met the person at a club. And it wasn't for lack of trying, after being hurt really badly by 2 people right off, I basically said fuck this I am not going to fall for that again. So when I was 18 I already had a fake ID and was let loose on the LA club scene, and I knew all of the right people and went to all the right parties and for the most part I usually had no problem getting whoever I wanted. I guess in a way it was almost like a scene from the movie Boogie Nights.... lots of sex and drugs and the Hollywood parties never stopped. Mind you though, I was probably alot more careful about it than most people.... I personally didn't sleep with alot of people or do alot of drugs even though I was around that sex and drug culture all the time. And I won't lie, it was fun. I met all kinds of interesting people during that part of my life.... actors, musicians, porn stars, politicians, models, pimps, hoes, etc. and if I had to do it all over again I would do the same thing and have no regrets at all. So even though I never got in a relationship, I can't really say I was complaining.

 

I think part of my problem for me is I was pretty much experiencing gay culture at it's worse, which is very superficial and puts a very high value on youth, beauty, money and of course...sex. If you're poor, ugly or over 30.... there's the exit and don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, lol. (and I am over 30 BTW, so I am all washed up, hehe). And I know that society in general puts a high value on those things, but I think it's more widespread in gay culture. Although thats just my opinion having experienced it firsthand.

 

I wish I had some words of encouragement but unfortunately I don't. At this point I don't even think about being in a relationship, it's just not part of my reality. If I die old and alone it won't bother me because most people go that way anyway whether they want to or not. What am I missing...sex? Not if I want it

[thunderbolt]

Hey all, thanks for your thoughtful responses.

 

Geeeeezuz Mike - you couldn't be any more black about it? Quite a story and life you have lived. I suppose there is not much more that can shatter your illusions - ha!

 

No, I hear you. I think more than anything else I need to be patient with myself at this time. Call me an idealist, but there must be at least one guy out there that wants more, and who happens to like me just for who I am. So, I'll keep on being the eternal optimist (border-line denial).

;-)

[Loren]

I liked Pandora and IBF's suggestion of getting involved with political groups. I think you'd be more likely to meet thinkers instead of bimbos and even if you didn't meet a soul mate, you'd make friends, network connections, and be doing something positive for our culture. It's a win/win kind of solution.

[thunderbolt]

I liked Pandora and IBF's suggestion of getting involved with political groups. I think you'd be more likely to meet thinkers instead of bimbos and even if you didn't meet a soul mate, you'd make friends, network connections, and be doing something positive for our culture. It's a win/win kind of solution.

Yeah, it makes a lot of sense, and I already started looking at that. I am a win-win kinda guy. I am moving out of this one horse hamlet within the next three months, and there seems to be much more going on in my new city.

 

Thx you all!

[♦ nivek ♦]

Thunderbolt,

 

Think of the things you like to do, activites, sports, passions, etc. Go do them, have a great time, keep eyes and ears open.

 

Found that often one can meet others of similar mind and inclination with a minimum fuss in groups and congregations of like minded persons.

 

I teach Firearms Safety to the local Pink Pistols, a gay persons self protection group.

Cool to see quite a few folks who *didn't know* that "Fred" was, ahhem, umm, "that way" finally meet up and things progress.

 

I'd suggest that you find something that isn't you usual "haunt", or usual form of recreation and go try something new. Not so much that you need to take up underwater basketweaving, but just go and get out and *in circulation*.

 

Be careful amigo, with heart and body. So soon *after*, whatever you do, don't allow self to be manipulated and bent into making bad decisions.

 

You've got friends here to talk to buds..

 

kevinL

[Joyous1]

gay culture at it's worse, which is very superficial and puts a very high value on youth, beauty, money and of course...sex. If you're poor, ugly or over 30.... there's the exit and don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, lol.

 

Doesn't sound that much different from heterosexual culture at it's worst. Hugh Hefner comes to mind...

[LosingMyReligion]

I just opened up to myself and others about my sexuality(recently) so I haven't had the oppurtunity to be with another man yet(well, I did do some heavy petting with this one christian guy...but he doesn't count). Infact, right now, I don't want a boyfriend. I have so much other stuff going on.

 

However, Thunderbolt's post is the primary reason that I DIDN'T want to be gay, due to all of the stereotypes and etc. It does seem like the sum of gay life is being buff and screwing around. You can't help but think that way sometimes. Gay men are portrayed as ultrabuff, metrosexual, crystal meth smoking horn dogs. It is really disheartening when you think about it...

 

Grant it, I am a visual person. I won't deny it. I love big shoulders and a meaty @$$...however, that isn't what it is all about for me.

I do want a real lasting relationship.

 

Fortunately, my fears and inadequecies are being proven false. My mom and I attend PFLAG(Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gay children)meetings monthly and I have met many gay couples who are happy and well adjusted, moreso than alot of straight couples.

As I learn more and more about the gay community I realize that all of my initial fears were out of ignorance.

 

True, you have all those cowboys out there, but there are just as many(if not more)good guys looking for something decent. I think the badboys get all the press because that is what people would like to believe about gay men.

 

When I do start looking for guys I am thinking of involving myself in more support groups, doing the online dating thing, and getting involved politically with somethings.

 

Some people actually meet in the bars, but I dunno. I would goto the club to maybe dance and hang with friends. Otherwise, you can't usually find committment material there.