The Resume Of Jesus Christ

[Guest AgnosticMike]

G'day all

 

Had a laugh when my sister in law sent this to me. I typed a very quick reply to its contents, but would love to hear how some of you would reply Here it is:

 

Regards

Agnostic Mike

 

 

 

The Resume of Jesus Christ

Address: Ephesians 1:20

 

Phone: Romans 10:13

 

Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and Jesus

 

Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me Lord! I've sent you my resume because I'm seeking the top management position in your heart. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.

 

Qualifications

 

I founded the earth and established the heavens, (See Proverbs 3:19)

I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See Genesis 2:7)

I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis 2:7)

I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13)

The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)

 

 

Occupational Background

 

I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).

I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.

My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15-17)

 

 

Skills Work Experiences

 

Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).

I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).

Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John 1:7-9)

 

 

Educational Background

 

I encompass the entire breadth and length of knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs 2:6).

In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).

My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto your feet and a lamp unto your path, (See Psalms 119:105).

I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart, (See Psalms 44:21).

Major Accomplishments

 

I was an active participant in the greatest Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26).

I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II Corinthians 5:15).

I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).

I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick and raised the dead!

There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE. You don't need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.

 

 

References

 

Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine healings, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and supernatural guidance

 

 

In Summation

 

Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:15).

 

 

 

Send this resume to everyone you know, you never know who may have an opening! Thanks for your help and may God bless you!

 

How can you not love Him who has done so much for You ???

[Fweethawt]

Occupational Background

 

I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).

I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.

My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15-17)

I literally laughd out loud when I read this part.

 

 

1. If we could be so lucky.

2. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! You rotten, fucking LIAR!!!

3. Is that why he was joyous when you got killed?

 

[Dhampir]

Prideful little overachieving prick, isn't he? I don't like ass kissing or arrogance in my company.

 

Official response: I'm sorry, mr., Christ, was it? Yes, Well, your resume is certainly impressive, but at this moment we feel you may be a bit overqualified. Certainly, your skills would be better utilized in a better position than the one we advertised. Thank you for your time.

[Guest AgnosticMike]

This was my instant reply. Over time I might give it some more thought. I know my sister in law will hate it, but she did send it to me. I suppose I am looking for more ideas to add to the "sorry your application was not successful".

 

Here is my quick reply:

 

Thankyou for applying for the position as Lord and Saviour of my life. However your qualifications are the same as many of the other Gods. When I looked at your qualifications I read some more and found out that you created a being knowing he was going to cause pain and suffering to all of humanity.

 

Your list of qualifications are impressive, but how can I be sure these are you doings?

 

I have checked out your occupational background and your lack of experience leaves you a bit behind the other candidates.

 

Your work experience and skills are also impressive on paper but I wonder if you are really concerned for the poor and sick since it is these that are most tormented. If you really are concerned for these oppressed minorities, why do the rich prosper and the poor get constantly trodden on. A few good deeds here and there hardly make up for the other chaos you have allowed to occur.

 

As for your educational background and the alleged power of your word. How is it that the people you put your spirit in do not have the power or courage to answer the questions on my website? All I encounter is fear and doubt. They seem to lack the power and authority that their rhetoric says they have.

 

There are a few alleged major accomplishments, but even your own people say that we were all born opposed to you. This can only be your doing if you created us. I am also concerned about the accomplishment of creating some of the terrible bacteria and viruses that plague our world. Why is it that around 1 million of the poor and weak die from Malaria alone, while the rich escape its devastating clutches?

 

I have looked at your references, but again many of the other Gods have equally credible references of miracles and supernatural guidance.

 

Since reading your resume I will add you to the list of other equally qualified candidates and consider you in that light. It’s a pity that you don’t stand out as I hoped you would from the other candidates. I suggest you do a bit more positive work amongst those you call your own, because they only hinder your opportunities.

 

Thank you again for your resume, but it is more than a little underdone. I suggest you sack your publicist as your numbers of followers has also been falling rapidly. The God Allah has been making serious inroads into your territory lately and looks like he may be in the running for the job.

 

I will keep the document on file and look forward to hearing from you personally in the future.

 

Mike

[willybilly30]

to jesus id say:

sorry but i dont hire people this is my own buisness and im keeping it that way.

after reading the old testament my advice is to contact the nearest mental hospital and check yourself in.

[Lycorth]

Hello, Mr. Christ. Have a seat. Yes, I got your resume - pretty impressive, but I checked it out and none of it is verifiable. Listen, I know you have a LOT of references. Problem is, they don't check out, either. They can't give any reason for recommending you other than that I just should hire you, and get very rude when I want to know more.

 

So, I'm sorry, I'll have to decline your offer. Then again, the chief position in my heart has been filled. I'm engaged to a wonderful woman to whom I shall get married and most likely have one or two nice little Heathen children in the future. I know, that upsets you, and threatening me with legal action from your father really isn't going to sway me.

 

You must understand also, I already have hired on quite a few Gods. Goddesses, too - I've got a full employment staff here. We could use someone to do payroll, which is a real headache, but I really wouldn't trust you with yesterday's newspaper.

 

Let me introduce you to one such God now. His name is Mr. Thor. He's Head of Security here, and he's been watching you for quite some time. Now, I'll kindly ask you to remove yourself from the premises before Mr. Thor starts up with that hammer of his. Removing brains from the carpet is a real hassle - not that you'd likely leave any brains to begin with, but I really don't want to take the chance.

 

Have a nice day

[ChristiaNazi]

Dear Mr. Christ,

 

As I’m sure you can imagine I get numerous requests for the top management position in my heart. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but have some serious concerns. The most important items are:

 

1. You appear to have no employment history between 4000 BC and around 30 CE. While brief lapses of employment are to be expected, a gap of 4000 gap begs some explanation.

 

2. It is commendable that your employer has given you excellent reviews. However, we must note that this employer is your own father.

 

Due to the magnificent accomplishments you claim, however I am still considering you for the position. Please respond with some explanation of your 4000 year employment gap, also some independent documentation of your achievements. I need this to be provided from a credible and unrelated party. Also please document your achievements and performance reviews from a source other than a book you wrote yourself.

 

Respectfully,

ChristiaNazi

[Guest AgnosticMike]

Mr J. Christ. Yes I am impressed by your list of achievements, but would like to interview you in person for the position. For some reason, you never reply and you never give a return address. It looks like this resume can be added to the webs long list of hoax emails. It’s a pity because it all sounded to good to be true. They usually say if it sounds too good to be true that it probably is.

[Purple]

Okay I read it, twice, and he left out all his carpenter experiance, the only practical skill he had. sheesh! Now a carpenter I could use! Think he could put in a floor???

[Guest AgnosticMike]

Okay I read it, twice, and he left out all his carpenter experiance, the only practical skill he had. sheesh! Now a carpenter I could use! Think he could put in a floor???

 

Yes, I thought that too. I have like all the repies. Boy these ex-Christians are a creative lot. I've been forwarding on all the replies to my sister in law and so far have not received a response. So keep them coming, good stuff!

[nirrti]

Thank you for your resume, Mr. Christ. Upon receiving your application, we performed the prerequisite background check. However, we found several inconsistancies with what information you devulged. You say you worked for your father. However, you are listed as the primary business owner and we discovered you and your father are, in fact, the same person.

 

More troubling, still, there is a felony conviction and several misdemeaners on your record for which you were given the death penalty. Apparently, you're either applying from prison....(or beyond the grave ). We are a safe, secure work environment and strive to hire only those who are a minimal risk. So regretfully, I must decline your request for employment with this company.

 

Thank you for your time.

 

Sincerely,

 

Nirrti

[Guest AgnosticMike]

G'day Nirrti

 

Nice one. I love all these different perspectives. Wow, if I could combine all the objections, no one would give him a chance at the job. I must say I am impressed by the intelligence and creativeness of you lot. A bit different to some of the morons on those Christian forums. I suppose there's got to be some here. Who knows, I might be one of them.

 

Regards

 

Mike

[Checkmate]

Dear Mr. Christ,

 

I have reviewed your resume and I must tell you that I am not impressed. Number one, you are applying for a job that has already been filled (by me!), and number two, your application smacks of the egomaniacal ramblings of a false prophet.

 

You make several outlandish claims of "godhood" that cannot be verified. And others that are completely contradictory. (Claiming to have "died for my sins" and yet you're alive enough to apply for job positions? What's up with that? What kind of "sacrifice" was it if you're STILL alive?)

 

Also your claim to punctuality is an absolute lie, as you promised your "followers" (more egomaniacal cult ramblings) you'd be "back" before they tasted death. Now, unless these "followers" are still with us 2,000 years later, then you have indeed lied to them.

 

You also boast of respecting your parents, and yet when I checked with those who claim to know you (YOUR faithful witnesses, BTW), they say you disobeyed your parents and even disrespected your mother, calling her "woman" on at least one occasion and denying her as your mother on another.

 

You brag that you have conquered "death, hell and the grave", as well as poverty and sickness. Well, color me nutty but I still see the poor, the sick and the dead littering the world with no decline in sight.

 

As to your "law abiding" ways: You failed to mention the incident where you destroyed the livelihood of a local pig farmer by frightening his livestock into a lake. All as a part of some "exorcism" scam to impress your "followers"? Most unseemly bit of tomfoolery on your part, I must say.

 

There is also the matter of an arrest and conviction in your home country, not to mention there being NO evidence of any real work experience. You drifted for years as a healthy, young man, living off the charity and gullibility of hard working people, whom you conned into believing that you were the "son of god." (Probably the two issues are related? Con artistes usually get treated harshly in some countries.)

 

I could continue, but I think I've made my point.

 

Your presence is not wanted in this company, Mr. Christ. We here at GrinchCo have only the highest standards of morals, ethics and decency, and we are not given to employing vagabond preachers with delusions of godhood, who's only claim to fame is being capable of deceiving billions of gullible people for 2,000 years and bilking them of trillions of dollars to support his megalomania.

 

Apparently many of your followers are getting wise to your scam, hence your desperate ploy to have me employ your services. Ah well. Such are the vagaries of life.

 

Might I suggest you try a more HONEST trade? Say...carpentry?

[RHEMtron]

Okay I read it, twice, and he left out all his carpenter experiance, the only practical skill he had. sheesh! Now a carpenter I could use! Think he could put in a floor???

 

Yes, I thought that too. I have like all the repies. Boy these ex-Christians are a creative lot. I've been forwarding on all the replies to my sister in law and so far have not received a response. So keep them coming, good stuff!

 

damn... do you guys even get along haha?