Naughtyhamster Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 I wrote this about a year or so ago when I got depressed about my learning disabilities and still was on the agnostic side. I'm The Child I'm the child Who can't run and play I'm the child Who he betrayed Every day is a day of pain I pray for it to just go away. But the Cruel Father says: "No fucking way!" "On you it would be lost that I torture you to show whose boss!" "No way would I take away your pain." "Your pain is your punishment is what I say!" Why me a Good person be punished With this pain? The evil get rewarded In their badness everyday The Cruel Father is Fucking insane!!! So what do I do? The whores, gangs,perverts, and murderers Get away with what they do The assholes get rewarded with health and occasional wealth. When I'm in a personal HELL Can't you make me well? Or life sucks cos' you make This Earth the real HELL Oh well... Oh well... So I'm in HELL And there's nothing I can't do About my miserable life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fortunehooks Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 It's somber and dark. I like it a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyFeline Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 You've got a good rhythm going in the first verse. Unfortunately, that starts to fall apart in the second verse and, by the end, it's completely disappeared, along with the rhymes. Also, the use of the words "Fuck" and "assholes", and the way it devolves at the end into a "Woe is me!" deal, just scream "emo!" I know you were going for a "darker" feel to it, but there are ways to do that that don't sound like a soppy teenage Goth-wannabe lamenting how much his life sucks and he wishes he could die, and yadda yadda yadda... It's not a bad poem. In fact, the initial premise is quite interesting. But, from a critical viewpoint, it's not well-written. It doesn't tell a cohesive story, and that's very distracting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fweethawt Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 Yeah! If you're going to write something while you're depressed you really should do everything possible to keep proper stucture, form and all that other poetic kinda stuff. Some people blow their brains out when they get depressed. But you, you write poems that lack structure and form. It must have been really bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naughtyhamster Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 Now if this were one of my erotic poems then it would be A+ work , but when I get depressed I write like shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fweethawt Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 Now if this were one of my erotic poems then it would be A+ work , but when I get depressed I write like shit. I was being sarcastic towards LF's post, NH. I thought your writing was fine, all things considered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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