Good-bye, Butt-ugly Church!

[The Sage Nabooru]

If you are American and attended church for at least part of your life, chances are fairly good you attended one of millions of butt-ugly church buildings that blight our landscape and have done so ever since their cornerstones were laid, at least 30 years ago.

 

Has anyone else ever noticed that a good 80% of all church buildings seem to have been built in the 60s or 70s, in the then-"modern" style? The first church I ever attended with my family had yellow-beige carpet which matched the brick on the outside of the building (the brick was visible only where the rough-cut wood shingles that descended off the roof and onto the sides of the sanctuary building were not covering it up). In the sanctuary itself were miles of fake wood paneling, a giant silver cross that looked like it were made out of leftover pieces of the Gateway Arch, and deep blue carpet. At least the stained-glass was pretty.

 

The second church we attended looked quite innocent from the outside, but then one caught sight of the giant bright red door that brought to mind cheap grease-spoon hotel restaurants of the 60's with pirate themes. Upon entering the little foyer space, one could see the floor was done up in dark green and brown tile; the sanctuary was walled off by a wall that was paneling half-way up, then made of little thick swirly circles of yellow glass to the top. This time the sanctuary had red carpet, but it was still covered in paneling. And the stained-glass was ugly.

 

Anybody else attend an ugly church?

[godlessgrrl]

Whoooaaaaa, yeah, there are some butt-ass ugly churches in my neck of the woods. All of them tend towards some shade of brown. Brown exteriors, brown carpets, brown pews, brown paneling on the walls, tacky brown light fixtures with weird amber bullet glass in them... and acoustic tile, or worse yet, the acoustic cottage cheese ceilings - with those little sparkly bits in them.

 

A sad thing is that there are lots of churches around here that have some redeemable architectural feature about them that's regrettably overwhelmed by the utterly ugly 60's and 70's avocado green and harvest gold shag rug crap. Like I can think of the church my parents married in, that has a really cool roofline, but utterly abysmal colors inside... or the church I got married in the first time, that actually had really pretty pews and wood carvings and some lovely stained glass... and then a little chapel that was made out of cinder blocks and teeny weeny accent windows that looked like they came out of pop bottles...

 

And what the hell is it with that church smell??? I dunno about anybody else, but every single church I've been into smells exactly the same way! Kind of this musty, cold, 1950's basement smell. Even if it's some denomination that uses incense - the incense never really covers it up. More like the incense sort of floats in the space for awhile and then gets swallowed up by the all-consuming, cold linoleum and decades-old pink paint smell. What the hell is that all about??

[The Sage Nabooru]

LOL whenever I smell coffee brewing, I get taken back to church mornings as a little kid. It's actually a kind of comforting smell. But yeah, I know that dry musty church odor. The acolyte gowns I wore during my service always smelled like that.

 

I will say that the first church we attended had an absolutely awesome basement. It had the giant stainless-steel-and-mint-green-tile kitchen and was labyrinthine. So many additions had been put onto that church, each with their own basement, that you could easily get lost in all the hallways and dark corridors. Not all of the basements connected, either. Now the church building is up for sale (the pastor grew an ambition to become the next Billy Graham and bought an abandoned Target store to turn into a superchurch - now THAT'S a lovely building), and if I had the money I'd buy it in a second.

[nirrti]

Is there some kind of eccleciastical law that churches have to have fake paneling everywhere, because mine did, too.

 

The structure itself was built a little over a century ago, so I guess they thought the paneling covered a multitude of sins. Um, no it didn't.

 

The church's building code was grandfathered in by it being so old and it didn't have to be brought up to modern building codes. But, I swear that church probably would've violated every last one if it did. The exterior and sanctuary looked okay.....but the rest of the building looked like the house that Jack built, it was so raggedy. The hallway's ceiling in the back hung so low little kids would bump their heads on it. Mind you, it was concrete so it must've hurt like hell. Then the stairs leading down to the basement were so jacked up old ladies would trip and fall down them since each step was a different height.

 

The basement, which flooded whenever it drizzled rain, was all gray-painted concrete on the floor and walls as they never dry-walled it. To make it look "homey", I guess, the ladies hung these old dingy white curtains on the basement windows that must've been hanging (and not been washed) since the 70s. The basement doubled as the fellowship hall and classroom so the seating consisted of the sanctuary's old wooden pews that they were too cheap to throw away, folded chairs and about four of these ancient movie theater-type seats with faded chipped paint that were supposed to be bolted down but they leaned against a wall, instead, so they wouldn't fall over. In other words, totally boot-legged.

 

The low-low basement ceiling had fake wood paneling and looked like it could collaspe down on you any second (Actually, it was about to. That's why the building was condemned and torn down a few years ago.). Oh, and the bathrooms? They were also in that basement and so horrible we were too scared to go in them as the flooding would bring little critters, some of them, snakes(!) down there. Since the toilet was loose and the stalls were too small, you had to keep the door open to even take a pee since anyone's legs would be too long.

[The Sage Nabooru]

The second church we attended was actually built in the 1920's, and when we took confirmation classes (yes, Lutherans get confirmed, too), we took them in the old sanctuary, where they held Spanish services and stored various pieces of junk. The old sanctuary was absolutely beautiful, done in a Gothic design with a giant tile mosaic of Jesus behind the altar done in gold and red and white tiles.

 

Then they decided they wanted more parishoners and built the giant paneled monstrosity with the vulgar brass cross.

[Guest]

Wow, I feel lucky. My old church was excellent as far as look and sound goes. I'm a musician/recording studio guy, and many times I wish I was still a member because that would be a GREAT place to get a Led Zepplin drum sound!

 

First off, the floors and walls were red brick, the walls extended up to about 8 feet with brick before it turned into REAL wood paneling fpr about another 4 feet. It had an arched ceiling that was about 40 feet at its highest point and 12 at it's lowest, again, all real wood. The santuary could hold probally 500 to 600 people, and they had a great pipe organ that could help you digest your breakfast when they'd hit those super low notes!

 

I got my start in music at that school, playing the drum kit for the middle school jazz band, and we'd have our anual concerts in the church. I would bang the hell out of those drums during set up earlier in the day, playing over and over and over the intro for "When the Levee Breaks". It was that sound BOOM THWAK BOOM BOOM THAK!

 

I suppose they'd let me in to record if I gave a donation, but it's not worth giving them money. I've gotten good drum sounds at the studio, so there is no need to give money to a church. That's one thing I can proudly say I have never done. Not a single penny that has passed thru my pockets has ever ended up in a collection plate, and I'd like to keep it that way!

[Ms. K]

Having grown up Catholic in an area where very few Catholic churches EVER get built, because the local Baptists have a huge distrust of Catholics, I attended beautiful old, well-kept churches.

 

The Baptist monstrosities were ugly as homemade sin, but the two Catholic churches were gorgeous. And they were acoustically great as well.

 

Honestly, had we stayed back in my hometown, I might still be a member of the Church. Maybe.

[The Sage Nabooru]

I find that generally speaking Catholic churches do tend to be more beautiful. They keep to a classic Old World design, whereas the Protestant ones were built fast, cheap, and "modern".

[Lycorth]

Indeed - I grew up Catholic and my church was built in a Romanesque design. Catholics get off lucky like that, I suppose - usually Gothic or Romanesque and none of that slapdash ugliness that characterizes most Protestant churches. Orthodox churches are much the same; these sects have a strong respect for tradition (despite the fact that their religion tried to wipe out indigenous traditions whever it migrated) and that has a hand to play in their design. Protestant churches are relatively new historically, and just tend to reflect the era in which they were built.

[Antlerman]

Well here's a minister who has a better idea for a church building design. God instructed him to build it to look like this!

 

http://www.godsark.org/index.html

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Curtdude]

.... God instructed him to build it to look like this!

 

 

Why, oh why does the GoodLard seem to have such bad taste in architecture and design?

 

Cool post Antlerdude!

[Clearview]

My grandparents' church in downtown Cleveland was beautiful. There was a giant mural painted on the mile-high ceiling, and creepy statues in nooks and crannies amongst giant pillars. The one at home, however, is hideous. The kneelers and the giant steel girders are that nasty light blue with a touch of green that was popular in the 60's. The walls are plain tan brick and there is little imagination to be found except for a few of the stained glass windows. The best part of the church is the super-emaciated Jesus hanging from his cross behind the altar. Yuck.

[The Sage Nabooru]

Well here's a minister who has a better idea for a church building design. God instructed him to build it to look like this!

 

http://www.godsark.org/index.html

 

Hey, that's nothing new. I ate at the greasy-spoon restaurant that looked just like that when I was a kid.

 

It was even called "Noah's Ark" and served the finest in deep-fried carnival food from waitresses with rotting teeth. Got torn down a few years ago. Shame. I would've bought and lived in it. It would've been handy, what with all the floods around here.

[SilentLoner]

One of the two main churches I attended as a kid did have some the ugliest ceilings I've ever seen. It was old wooden beams with cobwebs, ugly yellow in color. Not to mention these bats that were always swooping in.

[Thurisaz]

Anybody else attend an ugly church?

 

Attend? No.

 

Seen? Niflhel, yeah!

 

You know, those historical churches are sometimes ugly, sometimes not - most of the really big ones are quite pretty and impressive as buildings if you ask me. But that modern stuff... fuck it, a church isn't a church if it's not built the traditional way, spire and all

[PeaceOfMind]

Palm Coast Praise / Praise Assembly of God.

 

The rear parking lot. Red church van is to the left.

 

The main front lobby.

 

The sanctuary

 

The front-left-side portion of the 2nd floor; the youth room. The wall to the left was painted BLACK.

 

Our resident heathen, and personal friend of mine - FallenLeaf (Aka EricF). Can't you just see how God is radiating from him?

 

 

I will attempt to aquire some updated shots of interior of the church, much of which has been repainted with some god-awful, mismatched pastels.

[nirrti]

Uggghhhh! Even a church doesn't deserve that kind of abuse. Can we call Church Protective Services on the decorators? Someone needs to lay hands on that church and cast out all those bad-taste demons.

 

*sprinkles holy water* The Spirit of Christ compels you! The Spirit of Christ compels you!

[Vigile]

My parents once guilted my wife into agreeing to visit their church "so they could introduce us to their friends." I balked, but finally agreed thinking that it might be funny to see my wife's reaction to an American church service. It turns out that the community church they were attending was meeting in a private school's gym. We had basketball nets hanging overhead and literal courtyard seating. My wife was shocked. This is church for a Russian:

 

 

More

[The Sage Nabooru]

No wonder Russian Orthodoxy is making a comeback.....

 

Sweet Jeebus, Impulse, did you actually go to that church?! I would'nt've been able to stand it.

 

My grandmother's church was built in the 1920's, and the sanctuary itself is actually downright tiny compared to the gymnasium and other parts of the building (it used to house a school as well). It used to have the most beautiful red-and-subdued-gold paint accents all around the altar and the ceiling, in a sort of arabesque pattern. It had been there since the church was built. Then some genius on the church board had the brilliant idea of painting over it in a decidedly late-80's pattern of gray and pastel purple. In about 1998.

[PeaceOfMind]

 

Sweet Jeebus, Impulse, did you actually go to that church?! I would'nt've been able to stand it.

 

Sage, I did attend this church nearly four years, along with FallenLeaf. These pictures however do no justice on just how horrific the church looks today. The interior of the church had a major overhaul done not but a couple of years ago. The new color theme consits of mis-matched pastels of baby blue, banana yellow, dark teal, and dark maroon.

[fallenleaf]

 

Sweet Jeebus, Impulse, did you actually go to that church?! I would'nt've been able to stand it.

 

Sage, I did attend this church nearly four years, along with FallenLeaf. These pictures however do no justice on just how horrific the church looks today. The interior of the church had a major overhaul done not but a couple of years ago. The new color theme consits of mis-matched pastels of baby blue, banana yellow, dark teal, and dark maroon.

 

lol, I was there for a whole fuck longer than 4 years.

 

Oh... and he's right about the new scheme. It makes the old one look fantastic. Imagine what it would look like to a person who has had 20 hits of acid to see a couple dozen people puking all over the walls. It's more garish than that.

[PeaceOfMind]

What say we go out and get some pictures?