Am I Going To Go Stir-crazy?

[Guest JP]

So I'm moving into my new apartment this week. I bought (or my mom, rather) all new furniture from IKEA, and I must say that when it's all finished it's going to look very nice.

 

But I'm worried about my mental state while living alone. I've been living with different people for the better part of the past two years; a few months in-between I lived by myself at my aunt and uncle's second home here in Reno. I've still got so many issues to work out, such as the "Christian Man" or "Mr. Brady" as I call him. He still has an effect on me to this day, and sometimes I find it hard to shake him. It has gotten easier with time. It doesn't bother me nearly to the extent that it used to. But it seems the past two years have been filled with nothing but "supernatural anxiety." I've felt "God bringing me to him," being "damned," and experienced spooky stuff with psychics and coincidences. I get paranoid and think it must be part of "The Plan" for me.

 

I just don't want to get into that apartment and be all alone, and then get all paranoid and freaked out like I did before, which is what made me move out anyway. When I had my first apartment, everything was good for about nine months, then all my issues started and I got so freaked out I had to move out because of the bad vibes in my apartment. I don't want that to happen in this one.

 

I think it will be a lot better than before. I just don't want to feel guilty being unhappy in this new place, especially after my mom bought $1200 worth of new stuff for me. She said she did it because she wants me to be happy to be there. I think I will be, but no amount of money will buy me the happiness I want. That's something I can only give myself.

 

But the thing is, I don't think I deserve it, especially after all I've been through. For the longest time I've felt damned, like my life isn't really worth living (not talking suicide, here.) I just feel like there isn't any point anymore because God hates me if he exists, and that when I die I'll probably be going to the Lake of Fire. I really need to get out of that mindset; there isn't anything in my life that points in that direction except what goes on in my own head. The world around me goes on; I do not. I have so many good things in my life; not everyone has a mother who will spend that amount of money on them; I guess I kind of take it for granted. My life could be so much worse than it is right now. I just get mad; I used to be so happy, then all this supernatural stuff started to happen. (Read my testimony for more information on that.)

 

Do you guys think I'll get over this sometime before I die? Because it's seriously ruined my life. God is on my mind a lot...does he love me? Does he hate me? Am I damned? Was Mr. Brady right? Was the psychic woman right? Do all these coincidences in my life mean anything? Usually I find no real meaning in them, but the anxiety is still there.

 

I just really want to be happy again. I feel that I don't deserve it because of things I've been told not to say that I said, or things that I've thought about. Not just God, but bad things about my family, friends, etc. I feel like I'm this despicable person and that I deserve all this worry and anxiety. Again, there isn't any evidence in my life that I'm damned; it's just the memories of everything that has happened that still haunt me and cause me distress.

 

I don't know why Mr. Brady still effects me the way he does. My uncle went to school with him and apparently he was an effeminate cheerleader then, who everyone thought was gay. Even now, when people see his picture, they say, "Oh, he's gay." I guess it's because of the thing he said, "God is showing me things about you. But I don't want to embarrass you or anything." The worry is about what "God showed him." Of course, I don't understand why God didn't show him what was going on with me mentally (that I had OCD) and not to tell me to never commit the unforgivable sin like he did, and instead "show" him something that would alienate me, such as that I was gay or sexually abused, or both.

 

This is sounding a little nervous breakdown-ish, and I apologize for that. I'm not having one. I'm just writing as it comes; I need to get this out and I haven't really made a post this deep in awhile. I just really want to be happy and free of this bondage in my life. Really, if I was free of Mr. Brady, I think a lot of my troubles would go away. I think all this talk about the End Times gets to me too, because it makes me go back to Mr. Brady and obsess over him.

 

I have a lot of guilt towards my brothers, too, because of all the bad things I've thought about their children. I've thought horrible things...never done any of them of course because I never would, but just the thoughts I've had make me feel like I'm hiding something from them and that I shouldn't see them. I try to avoid them at all costs, and when I can't avoid them I feel weird being around them. That's something I torture myself with every day..."What if they knew the things you've thought about?"

 

I know I am in a better state of mind than before. Now I know I can hold a job and go to school whilst dealing with this stuff in my life. I just worry that I might regress somehow. I just have to have the faith in myself that I'll be strong enough to be alone; I need to learn how to be alone again because I can't live with people forever.

 

Thanks for reading. Any responses would be appreciated.

[Fweethawt]

You got a new apartment, new furniture, a mom that has your best interests at heart, your young, good looking, etc. etc........

 

I don't think God hates you.

 

 

I think he hates this dude though:

 

 

 

[RankStranger]

I can't give you any advice on OCD that you probably haven't heard a dozen times before... My wife has OCD, but she's fine as long as she takes her happy pills. I know second-hand that the combination of OCD and guilt can really eat you up.

 

For what it's worth, here's my brother's favorite movie quote: from Unforgiven: "deservin's got nothin' to do with it".

 

I've seen your posts around, and I think you know as well as I do that there's no magical skydaddy hearing your every thought. We all have thoughts that we wouldn't be very proud to share with ANYBODY. That just makes you human. If there's no magical skydaddy, then what you do or don't 'deserve' really doesn't mean much.

[Fweethawt]

"deservin's got nothin' to do with it".

Ain't that the truth.

 

Luck'o the draw, fortune, just flat out lucky enough to be in a certain situation, those are the things that determine how well-off we are for the most part. A lot of times it has to do with hard work to have the finer things in life.

 

But one thing you can be certain of, at the very base level of reality, there is no reward system. The reward system and whether or not you "deserve" things is a concept that originated in the human mind. It just doesn't exist anywhere else.

[Godless Dave]

I just don't want to get into that apartment and be all alone, and then get all paranoid and freaked out like I did before, which is what made me move out anyway. When I had my first apartment, everything was good for about nine months, then all my issues started and I got so freaked out I had to move out because of the bad vibes in my apartment. I don't want that to happen in this one.

 

Are you getting any kind of medical care for your mental state?

[chefranden]

Get a cat, or even better 2 cats. Then you aren't alone.

[Guest JP]

Can't have pets, unfortunately. And yes, I have been seeing a doctor off and on for awhile now. My next appt. is next month sometime.

[The Sage Nabooru]

Hey, I've had pets in apartments where I wasn't supposed to. Just gotta be sneaky.

 

I've often wondered how I could put up with living by myself. Of course I will have dogs, but I wonder if I'll ever be able to appreciate humorous television without somebody laughing along with me, or experiment with cooking without someone there to agree with me that I have created the Pizza of the Gods. (Which I did do, last night!)

 

But then the alternative would be to live with somebody. I'll take hermitude, thanks.

[Amethyst]

I live alone. Well, technically not, I have a leopard gecko. You might want to see if they'll let you have something like goldfish that stays put and doesn't bother anyone.

 

Having an internet connection helps because you can chat with people online. I also go out shopping every so often also, or just to Starbucks to get coffee. I also do stuff with RL friends from time to time.

[chefranden]

I'd get the cats anyway.

 

So, what if you loose your security deposit? Just call it the price of sanity.

[Ex-COG]

Maybe making sure you get out a lot, so that you're not cooped up alone all the time? Ditto what the chef says; sneak in a pet. And hang out online with us!

 

 

Don't know how to help you in the hell department. For me, when I dropped Christianity, hell went with it. While a Christian, I was more of the love and grace type than the hell-fire and brimstone follower, so since an obsession with hell wasn't big with me before my deconversion, it wasn't prominent afterwards.

[Guest JP]

Okay, I moved in a week ago and I've spent the last 8 nights in my apartment. And I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet! In fact, I do like my new place. It's small, but nice and quiet and well-lit during the days. I've been busy building all the furniture; last night I got 3/4 of the entertainment unit done. Took me 4 hours to build that thing!

 

My second night there I forgot to put my E-Break on, and my car rolled out into the alley (only a few feet.) Didn't hit anything, but what a way to meet the new neighbors! So far everyone is really nice. And it's only about 5 minutes away from work.

 

So I think I'm going to be okay living alone. I was very worried because of what happened last time, but this has helped me to realize that although I haven't worked through all of my problems yet, I am in a better place now than I was then.

 

Oh, and I swear I heard a bird chirping in the next apartment over...so if they can have a pet, I can too.

[Gnosis of Disbelief]

Good luck with the new digs and hang in there!

[Rosa Mystica]

Okay, I moved in a week ago and I've spent the last 8 nights in my apartment. And I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet! In fact, I do like my new place. It's small, but nice and quiet and well-lit during the days. I've been busy building all the furniture; last night I got 3/4 of the entertainment unit done. Took me 4 hours to build that thing!

 

My second night there I forgot to put my E-Break on, and my car rolled out into the alley (only a few feet.) Didn't hit anything, but what a way to meet the new neighbors! So far everyone is really nice. And it's only about 5 minutes away from work.

 

So I think I'm going to be okay living alone. I was very worried because of what happened last time, but this has helped me to realize that although I haven't worked through all of my problems yet, I am in a better place now than I was then.

 

Oh, and I swear I heard a bird chirping in the next apartment over...so if they can have a pet, I can too.

 

Glad to hear you're doing well. I know I was a bit apprehensive when I first moved out on my own (and I have mental health issues as well). Fortunately, I found the transition to be easier than I had anticipated. I'm confident you will experience a similar thing in your new apt.

 

Ditto the pet idea. Landlord/caretakers have such fucked up anti-pet attitudes much of the time (though mine allows cats). I hope you find yourself a nice animal companion to keep you company. Pets are a benefit to people emotionally, from what I've heard.

[Shadfox]

I moved out on my own last year with the same worries about having a break down. It was unnerving for the first few weeks, but once I got everything decorated and feeling like home it wasn't so bad. It was nice not to be around my judgemental, drama-filled family.