Fundy Ex Causing Me Grief!

[AgnosticBob AtheistPants]

This rant isn’t really religious, although the primary focus of it is my fundy ex wife. I just needed to rant. I’ve been holding it in because, other than my girlfriend, I don’t really have anyone to rant to about it. I’m hoping maybe one of the women on the board can help me understand what the HELL is going on. I certainly can’t make any sense of it.

 

I was divorced from my Pentecostal charismatic fundamentalist ex-wife in November of 2003. In January of 2005, I took a job in Los Angeles, about 3000 miles from the little town in Alabama I had called home for the last ten years. It was a tough decision to make, almost as difficult as the decision to divorce in the first place. I hate being so far from my children, but the job opportunity was too good to pass up. It offers me nothing but upward mobility on my career path…something that was sorely lacking in small town Alabama.

 

In the divorce, I made a serious mistake. There was no hope of reconciliation. I didn’t want it, and she made it clear (through actions rather than words) that she didn’t either. I settled for everything my ex asked for, including a very shitty visitation schedule, in order to get the damned thing over with. I accepted only three weeks a year visitation with them in the summer (as well as the usual every other weekend and Wednesdays) broken into a two week period and a one week period. I hadn’t really thought about the possibility of my leaving the state. When I told my ex I was leaving, she said we would work things out as far as visitation.

 

So I called her early in 2005 to make plans for summer visitation. She asked that I take the first two weeks in July as visitation and I told her I would IF I COULD. It turned out that due to a coworker’s pre-scheduled vacation for that time, I would not be able to take any time off to be with the kids if they came during that period. I told my ex this and requested the last two weeks in July instead. She flat out said no. I was astounded. She gave no viable reasons. I told her that I was giving her formal notification that those were the two weeks I was taking them. That was my right as written in the visitation order. She got extremely hostile and shot this at me: “You listen to me…I’m pregnant, and if I have complications with this baby, you and me are gonna go around!”

 

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I told her that she KNEW she had a history of complications in pregnancy (my son was 8 weeks premature and my daughter 6) and that if she DID have any complications, it wouldn’t be because of me. I held my ground on requiring the dates that I needed, and she finally gave in. We had a talk and said that we both didn’t want to have to do this year after year and we’d try to work on it more civilly.

 

I called her early this year and asked her for my three weeks all together this summer. She said no. Her reasoning?

 

“Our daughter isn’t old enough for that long of a stay.”

Our daughter is now four years old and is never ready to go home whenever she visits.

 

“I have Fridays off and I would miss that time with them.”

My ex is a school teacher. She has summers off with the exception of two weeks worked after school is out and two weeks worked before school starts again. She has Fridays off during these weeks. Now please note that all I was asking for was a single extra week; three instead of two. She’d miss ONE three day weekend with them. She has them for every other minor holiday, they have the same schedule as far as days off from work/school, and she has them EVERY OTHER NIGHT OF THEIR LIVES.

 

“I’m not splitting up my family over the summer.”

All I have to say is TOUGH SHIT. Life doesn’t go according to plan 99% of the time. I wanted a stable solid family too. We both contributed to the downfall of ours. She doesn’t get to dictate how things are going to be just because I’m the one that left.

 

And the DILLY:

“I’m not letting my pool go to waste.”

Her pool? Her FUCKING POOL??? Oh…well sure…I understand. It’s much more important that her POOL not go to waste than the children’s relationship with their father.

 

So needless to say, I contacted my attorney and told him all this. I had him get to work on modifying the visitation schedule to suit me being out of state. I told her that she’d be hearing from my attorney and that I was sorry things had to go this way but I need as much time as I can have with my children. She has her new family, but my two children are the only children I will ever have.

 

My attorney contacted me and told me that she had hired an attorney as well. He said that her attorney had told her that what I asked for (half the summer and every spring break, rotate Christmas and Thanksgiving) was not unreasonable and that she should accept it because a judge would probably give it to me. My attorney seemed to think it was all going to get worked out without issue.

 

He contacted me a week later with her modifications to my request. Basically, she said, “FUCK YOU you’re getting what I say you’re getting and we’ll see how it goes when the kids are older.” I would get them for TWO WEEKS (what I already have) and one week, not together and only two in California until my daughter was five. (She apparently lied to the attorney and told her my daughter was only two because that is what I was getting until 2009). Then when she was five I’d get three weeks and one week, three in California. From there, nothing was definitive. I laughed in my attorney’s ear when he told me that. I told him to refuse it and we’re requesting the entire summer instead of half. That’s what I really WANT, but was trying to compromise with half.

 

So this is my rant…I don’t understand why the hell she went ballistic over my requesting ONE additional week. And now she’s screwing herself. The judge is far more likely to side with me on this. She’s awakened the sleeping giant in me. I’m tired of her walking all over me and taking advantage of my mild manner to get her way. There will be no more of that. I am getting my kids for the time that I am due with them and I will not stop until I get it. If the conservative fundamentalist run courts in that Alabama county side with her instead of with me, I’ll take this to a higher court. I don’t know if it could eventually get to a national level or not, but if it can and that’s what it takes, that’s where I’ll go. I’m infuriated over this. It may bury me in debt, but I’ll make certain I have a relationship with my kids and that they don’t have to stay in that ass backwards town while we are having it.

 

I do remember her saying something during the divorce proceedings that probably has some bearing on this. She was unwilling to change any of the things she asked for in the divorce settlement because she believed “God is on my side and he will cause the judge to find favor with me and will give me what I ask for.” She probably has the same mindset now. She thinks God is going to give her what she wants. Well you know, if I were some low life scum that had beat her and the kids during the marriage, couldn’t hold a job and consistently had run-ins with the law, sure, I could see the judge giving her precisely what she’s asking for. However, I am an upstanding citizen, never in trouble with the law, rarely drink, never do drugs, have a good job and make regular trips to visit my children. I WANT to be with them. If there is a judge that would not give me at least half the summer with them, I’d expect to find him in Alabama. However, I seriously doubt even there I’ll have that problem.

 

I just can’t understand her rationale for fighting me like this over ONE WEEK. Anybody?

 

And one more rant...my attorney has been trying to get in to a judge to make an emergency order for visitation for this summer since he won't be able to rule on the full modification for several months yet. We continually run up against obstacles...Memorial Day the judge closed his office the Friday before as well as that Monday. No go. The attorney made plans to go that Tuesday after Memorial Day. The Ex's attorney went on VACATION for the rest of the week. The attorney made plans to go today when the Ex's attorney would be back. The courts are closed today because its...get this...

 

JEFFERSON FUCKING DAVIS' BIRTHDAY!!!

 

Only in the god forsaken south.

[white_raven23]

I doubt it really has much to do with faith....except for the level of ego displayed by the fantasy that she should and will always get her way....thanks to da laird.

 

So far, kinda sounds like she's had a charmed life. Wherin nothing in it has been serious enough to make her question her devotion.

 

Religion aside, she sounds like your typical Southern Belle (aka American Princess ).

 

She thinks she can still control you, and she thinks god will help her do it. After all, she has the Golden Pussy.

 

Glad you are going through the trouble of taking her down a peg. Someone should have done that long ago it seems.

[Kurari]

I don't have any words of advice, but it sounds like hitting you where it hurts is the only thing on her mind. Now she's running on the principle, not the rational.

 

I really applaude you that you are fighting for your time with your kids. There are a lot of dads who never care and just vanish. Your children are very lucky.

 

BTW...my mom's side of the family is from Birmingham, AL. Guh, I feel your pain.

[nirrti]

I would've given anything to have a father like you when I was growing up. My "father" would find any excuse in the world not to take responsibility for me. And when I was of legal age and there was nothing between me and him, he used his religion (how ironic) as a reason he didn't want me around.

 

Fight for your kids and if you lose one battle, fight some more. Your ex is just using the kids to spite you not knowing she's really hurting them in the long run. She may be a pain in the ass now but your kids will be grateful you cared enough to do everything in your power to be there for them.

[godlessgrrl]

If I were a divorced mother, there are only 2 reasons I would actively attempt to prevent my children's father from seeing them.

 

One reason would be if he really were a horribly abusive and/or toxic person. If that were the case I'd do everything I could to protect my offspring from him potentially damaging them.

 

The other reason would be that I'd be a spoiled, selfish bitch that just didn't want to have to deal with whatever resentments I might have that my marriage broke up, or my kids' father was doing better than me, or I had a bad hair day, or somebody lit the fuse on my tampon. Or else I just wouldn't want to deal with the inconvenience of having to adjust my schedule to my ex's needs.

 

I somehow doubt that the first is true. You don't strike me as being a toxic, awful person at all.

 

I don't know if the second is true, because those would be *my* reasons, in a hypothetical situation. I don't really know what your ex's reasons are.

 

Regardless of what her actual reasons are, fight her tooth and nail. They're your kids too. She should be grateful that their dad wants to be a part of their life, instead of thwarting that.

 

My $.02, adjusted for inflation.

[AgnosticBob AtheistPants]

First, thanks to those of you who posted for the kind words and support. It’s good to know that I’m not alone in thinking she is off her rocker on this.

 

I doubt it really has much to do with faith....except for the level of ego displayed by the fantasy that she should and will always get her way....thanks to da laird.

 

So far, kinda sounds like she's had a charmed life. Wherin nothing in it has been serious enough to make her question her devotion.

 

Religion aside, she sounds like your typical Southern Belle (aka American Princess ).

 

She thinks she can still control you, and she thinks god will help her do it. After all, she has the Golden Pussy.

 

Glad you are going through the trouble of taking her down a peg. Someone should have done that long ago it seems.

 

Yes, she most certainly does lead a charmed life. Although you couldn’t tell her that…the self-suffering bitch. Sure, she did have some rough times as a child, but once her mom married her latest husband (number three – but a gem of a guy…despite his fundymentalism) things have done nothing but look up for her. There is always the possibility that she is projecting her own experiences as a child of divorce onto our kids. She had a bitch for a stepmother and hated going to her dad’s for visitation as a result. But my girlfriend loves my kids like they were her own. She’s told me time and time again how she wishes we could get custody of them, and she really believes that once they get old enough to make their own decisions that they’ll want to come live with me. Of course not a word of this is spoken to the ex. I don’t need her being any more controlling than she already is.

 

I don't have any words of advice, but it sounds like hitting you where it hurts is the only thing on her mind. Now she's running on the principle, not the rational.

 

I really applaude you that you are fighting for your time with your kids. There are a lot of dads who never care and just vanish. Your children are very lucky.

 

BTW...my mom's side of the family is from Birmingham, AL. Guh, I feel your pain.

 

Thanks, Kurari. Yes, I had one of those vanishing dads. He tried to keep in touch when I got a little older, but not hard enough IMO. Then when I graduated high school and was going to college, he invited me to come stay with him the summer before to find a job in the big city where I could save some money. Then he decided he was going to play dad. Things ended badly and I didn’t talk to him for several years. He’s since found Jesus and wants to be a part of my life again. I was fine with that because he’s not overtly evangelistic or anything. He seems to have the “to each his own” mentality about it. But, we’re still not close. He doesn’t make much of an attempt to be a grandfather to my children either. I just never want that to be the case with my kids. I love them and I want to be in their lives always. It’s hard, especially being so far away from them, but getting them for the summers would be a BIG help.

 

I would've given anything to have a father like you when I was growing up. My "father" would find any excuse in the world not to take responsibility for me. And when I was of legal age and there was nothing between me and him, he used his religion (how ironic) as a reason he didn't want me around.

 

Fight for your kids and if you lose one battle, fight some more. Your ex is just using the kids to spite you not knowing she's really hurting them in the long run. She may be a pain in the ass now but your kids will be grateful you cared enough to do everything in your power to be there for them.

 

Wow…thanks Nirrti…really. Thanks. I hate that people can be like that. My dad gave me the excuse that he thought he was too young to be a father and that I would be better off without him. Yeah. Brilliant. A child better off without a father. Right. But in his defense (god knows why), he WAS young (19). You make some pretty dumbassed mistakes at that age.

 

How exactly did he use religion as a reason not to want you around? Because he believed and you didn’t? Has he never READ the bible? How about the prodigal son? Fathers should NEVER stop loving their children for ANY reason.

 

If I were a divorced mother, there are only 2 reasons I would actively attempt to prevent my children's father from seeing them.

 

One reason would be if he really were a horribly abusive and/or toxic person. If that were the case I'd do everything I could to protect my offspring from him potentially damaging them.

 

The other reason would be that I'd be a spoiled, selfish bitch that just didn't want to have to deal with whatever resentments I might have that my marriage broke up, or my kids' father was doing better than me, or I had a bad hair day, or somebody lit the fuse on my tampon. Or else I just wouldn't want to deal with the inconvenience of having to adjust my schedule to my ex's needs.

 

I somehow doubt that the first is true. You don't strike me as being a toxic, awful person at all.

 

I don't know if the second is true, because those would be *my* reasons, in a hypothetical situation. I don't really know what your ex's reasons are.

 

Regardless of what her actual reasons are, fight her tooth and nail. They're your kids too. She should be grateful that their dad wants to be a part of their life, instead of thwarting that.

 

My $.02, adjusted for inflation.

 

Yeah, with her comments about not “breaking up her family”, I guess that last bit about her not wanting to deal with the inconvenience may be true. Although I don’t see how my taking the kids for several weeks during the summer while she’s tending to her new baby can be an inconvenience. It would be a pretty big help IMO. Agh. Whatever. She’s going to be sorry. I was so willing to compromise with her. Now she’s going to lose. I hate it for her.

 

Anyhow, thanks again everyone. It certainly does help having someone other than the usual suspects to talk to about this stuff.

[nirrti]

Wow…thanks Nirrti…really. Thanks. I hate that people can be like that. My dad gave me the excuse that he thought he was too young to be a father and that I would be better off without him. Yeah. Brilliant. A child better off without a father. Right. But in his defense (god knows why), he WAS young (19). You make some pretty dumbassed mistakes at that age.

 

How exactly did he use religion as a reason not to want you around? Because he believed and you didn’t? Has he never READ the bible? How about the prodigal son? Fathers should NEVER stop loving their children for ANY reason.

 

Well, my father was a Jehovah's Witness and I was a mainstream Christian. As you probably know, JWs believe that only they have the Truth so anyone else, especially those of other religions is evil and should be avoided. My father used the old "protect the children" line since he didn't want my "evil" influence on his two other kids.

 

Yeah, he could be a father to them, but me, the "bastard child"? Oh nooo!. Even before his conversion, I was of little consequence. So his religion was just a convenient way to not take responsibility for me.

[Taphophilia]

Keep all the court papers of you fighting to see your children, and one day when they are much older let them read them. Who knows what she tells or will tell your children about you?

 

Taph

[jjacksonRIAB]

 

Where the hell does she get off trying to control you through the children? Three weeks away from a swimming pool is nothing. From what you told me I'm guessing the children are giving her good status reports about you and how well you treat them, and instead of applauding your efforts, she's getting jealous. Is she that high-strung?

 

At any rate, it's horrible that you have to deplete your earnings but I understand. Fathers are underrepresented in today's legal system. That needs to change. You sound like a great father. Take them tooth-and-nail on the situation.

 

I can only hope that I'll never have to go through this some day, knowing how overtly biased courts are against men.

[AgnosticBob AtheistPants]

Yeah, he could be a father to them, but me, the "bastard child"? Oh nooo!. Even before his conversion, I was of little consequence. So his religion was just a convenient way to not take responsibility for me.

 

Wow...sounds a little like my relationship with my dad. I was his first and only child in his first marriage. He was married twice more, then married his fourth wife before he had anymore kids. They have had the life that could have been mine...and it's hard sometimes dealing with it. I mean my mom got $90 a month in child support from him for my entire childhood. It was ridiculous. She just never took him back to court to get any more. Then he never assisted me in college or anything. His two children with the fourth wife got college educations paid for by him.

 

But anyway, the past is the past. I never had a father, so I want to be the best one I can be for my kids.

 

Keep all the court papers of you fighting to see your children, and one day when they are much older let them read them. Who knows what she tells or will tell your children about you?

 

Taph

 

Oh, I will. Unfortunately, right before I made the decision to leave my ex, I had an affair. Once I did that, I knew I had to get out immediately. I should have left first, but I didn't. She found out about it, so she's already told me that once the kids are old enough, she's telling them all. I can't wait. Believe me, I'll have plenty to counter with. No, no infidelity on her part, but much more.

 

 

 

Where the hell does she get off trying to control you through the children? Three weeks away from a swimming pool is nothing. From what you told me I'm guessing the children are giving her good status reports about you and how well you treat them, and instead of applauding your efforts, she's getting jealous. Is she that high-strung?

 

At any rate, it's horrible that you have to deplete your earnings but I understand. Fathers are underrepresented in today's legal system. That needs to change. You sound like a great father. Take them tooth-and-nail on the situation.

 

I can only hope that I'll never have to go through this some day, knowing how overtly biased courts are against men.

 

She gets off because the LAWD is on her side and will give her everything she asks for. Yes, she's definitely that high strung. I will definitely not stop fighting for time with them. I'm sick of rolling over for her. She's not my wife anymore, and I will have my rights upheld.

 

An update...on Tuesday my attorney went to the judge with an emergency petition for this summer to get me the extra week. Instead of immediately granting the motion, the judge is hearing her argument against me! I'm absolutely dumbfounded! I don't know what argument she could give that would convince the court not to give me this extra week, but if there is a court that would do it, it would be in ALAFUCKINBAMA. I may be taking this thing to state court after all.

[AgnosticBob AtheistPants]

Well, the court set the date for the hearing....FOR TWO DAYS BEFORE THE VISITATION IS SCHEDULED TO OCCUR!!!!! ASSHOLES!!! I purchased tickets for three weeks with the assumption that something would be settled in enough time for me to change the tickets if I had to. NOW I have had to purchase a SECOND set of tickets for a two week period. Depending on what the court decides, I'll change one set to a date in November so I can bring the kids out for Thanksgiving. That's fine, but I'll have to pay change fees of $50 per ticket PLUS any difference in price for the tickets. Hopefully that won't be much of an issue, but it could be. Also, I was NOT prepared to pay for the second set of tickets just yet. Now I'm gonna be in a financial crunch til I can get them paid off.

 

ALL OF THIS because my EX WIFE just CAN'T be accommodating and GIVE ME MY KIDS for ONE EXTRA WEEK!!! Her damned attorney ACTUALLY SAID to my attorney that I was "lucky to get two weeks, and might not even get that if we take this to court." Can you BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT??? My attorney is supposedly as astounded as I am. He says that if I had done something which put the children at risk while they were in my care, he could possibly see that, but with all the effort I put into my relationship with them, coming out to see them on a monthly basis when I am able, he thinks they'll give me the three weeks this summer and at least half the summer from there on out. However, based on everything I've had to deal with in this particular county court, I completely expect them to RAPE me and give her everything she asks for. Then I'll have to pay more attorney's fees to take it on to Appeals Court and on and on and on.

 

I just want to let out a blood-curdling scream...constantly. Kind of like that episode of The Simpsons where Homer has a horrible childhood memory resurface and can't stop screaming.