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I'm Broken


yunea

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Goddamnit, this is like a some kind of illness blog. I really didn't mean it to turn out that way. I wanted this to be an interesting and thoughtful blog. It just seems that this ripe age of 30 didn't come alone and I need to make notes of when these things happen.

 

Now on top of all else, I'm amenorrhic, with a couple other symptoms that seem related. After getting smaller and smaller all spring, my last period didn't happen at all. I really hope this would go away on its own, but I'm afraid that here's yet another reason to see a doctor once again. I already have five doctor or dentist appointments scheduled in the near future. Oh and I forgot, there's that Monday appointment that I haven't scheduled yet, for my strange chest pains. So that totals seven appointments, two of which I must schedule.

 

I do wonder if it's just my brain playing tricks on me. My ability to suggest myself into either illness or painlessness was always good, and it could be that. Or maybe I just really am this ill.

 

I've never felt ready to be a mother, but it doesn't feel nice to think that I may not actually have a choice in the matter.

 

Crap...I hope the chest pains and amenorrhia aren't related. Omg. I'm really glad I wrote this blog, this is to remind myself of everything I must tell my doctor. :(

 

Uh, it hurts to breathe.

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Yeah... sigh. Thanks Kate, (if I got your name wrong, blame my painkiller fog) I'm so sick of not being well enough to do what I want. I really miss gym.

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Amenorrhea does not necessarily mean infertility. It can be reversed, if it's due to a hormone imbalance, which can be brought on by a range of things.  Don't panic.  Wait until your doctor has figured out what is causing it. In the meantime, enjoy the break from one of life's great inconveniences.  

 

I know what you mean about doubting yourself and whether your symptoms and illnesses are real.  Be reassured that most of them can be objectively verified with blood tests, or imaging, or other things.  Those that can't are also likely to be real... seriously why would someone already struggling with health problems make up more of them?  That makes no sense.

 

I was told for years by doctors and others that I was exaggerating my symptoms... then the illnesses ended up being verified. I could have been spared a lot of heartache if they had just believed me in the first place.  So don't let that happen to you... your symptoms are real, and you deserve to have them relieved.  

 

Prioritise the most important appointments first, and make sure you have one doctor overseeing and co-ordinating things.  I don't know how you achieve that in the US - here we have a PCP that does that.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!  I want to help you make sure nothing slips through the cracks.

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Thanks FTNZ... I won't type a long reply but I'll say I read all of yours and that's good advice, thank you very much <3

I don't know how it is in the US either lol (I'm in EU) but you are very right in that I'll have to make sure that communication between the specialists I'm seeing is working.  

 

Most of my scheduled appointments are due in August so I hopefully don't have to be running around in chest pains at that point anymore, as those are super important. Next week's is just for professional tooth cleaning, shouldn't be too bad, I just have to remember to go. 

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Cool, sorry I forgot you are in the EU, and yes I think co-ordination between specialists is generally better there. You should request copies of their letters and reports, so you can carry a file with you to appointments.  Often you will have a piece of paper they need, and it's easier if you just have it there with you for them to photocopy, than them requesting it from each other and having to wait to receive it.

 

I think the chest pain issue is likely to be sorted out before then.  As far as remembering appointments goes, put reminders in your phone, or on your computer (eg FB events or Google calendar), or on a note on your mirror or somewhere you will see it. I carry a diary in my handbag.  I also take notes in a notebook during medical appointments, and jot down questions to ask them beforehand.

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Ah yes I will do that, especially if I need to use the general hospital instead of the Student Health Association services because information isn't automatically passed between the two and requesting can take days. The Student Health doctors can see the info from each other much quicker I think, but it'll still be good if I too carry everything in paper form. I already am used to carrying my med recipes around when I see the doctors so it won't be a big deal to request and add a few more papers.

 

Normally I'm really good at checking my calendar and remembering appointments, I just might not be so good when I'm ill and medicated. But oh, hey, I just remembered they will also text me the previous evening before the tooth cleaning! That's one worry less then.

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Tell you doctor all that worries you, if only for the sake of your own sanity.

 

And just wait until you hit 50...!

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Thanks for the comment Ellinas. I will try to. One problem I have with doctors is that I was raised to not talk to them before my head is falling off or something, so I tend to automatically skip complaining about "minor" pains. I've worked hard on undoing that programming because I've realised that small pains have potential to grow into huge pains that are harder to fix, but sometimes I still forget to mention what's been bothering me!

 

I hope that at 50 I'll be more self-aware than now, so that whichever problems I get then, I'll be more ready to deal with. At least I take better care of myself now than I ever did before - being a believer who "hands pain over to Jesus" or whatever was pretty much the same as neglecting myself and it's one big thing I regret about having been a believer. 

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Ok I seem to have inflammation of rib cartilage. Not life-threatening but very annoying. I got a course of better pain meds and was told to rest. Also I'm gonna see a gynecologist in August so we can search for my disappeared periods.

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