Thank Zod for my Ipod Shuffle. If not for this little baby, I think I’d have to kill all my co-workers.

A couple years ago, management established an “open office environment” policy.

What does this mean?

It means all the cubicle walls were taken down. We don’t even have the illusion of privacy any longer.

And absolutely NO sound buffering at all.

Some visual buffering would be nice….not everyone really needs to watch me blow my nose. I know I really could be spared the viewing pleasure, so I’m pretty sure others really don’t want to see it either.

When I’m trying to work out figures or something, and someone else gets some retarded dancing hippo e-mail, they have this annoying need to share it with everyone.

Do they simply forward the e-mail on so we can each choose when we want to enjoy it?

No.

They must verbally summon everyone within earshot over to their computer screen and have everyone huddle around it like a bunch of socially needy meekrats.

Meekrats with hyena laughs.

Fucking loud ass bastards.

Some of us are actually trying to work here.

And then there are the insecure twits.

I will be the first to admit that I personally am not the most social person. This is not a problem for me, so why should it be a source of anxiety for others? Shouldn't be a problem.

Yet it is.

These insecure people feel a need to inform me of their every damn movement. If they need to leave their desk, I don’t need an all points bulletin of exactly where they are going or what they will be doing. No one is a floor supervisor, and no one answers anyone else’s phone, so the information is utterly meaningless. I don’t need to know and I really don’t give a crap.

But they need to talk.

They need the interaction. I don’t need my ears stroked or cuddly comforting that “everything is fine” regarding doing things that pertain to my work. If I need to go do something away from my desk…I go do it. Nobody needs details.

One of these people, SUPER insecure….is overly excited about our both being in new romantic relationships.

Somehow….she thinks this means we have “common ground” and we can and should converse about it.

First off….there is no “common ground” between us. Our purposes for communication in general to begin with are completely different. She needs social assurance and reinforcement. I occasionally want to share things I find ironic, funny, or odd with other people to see if they have the same reaction as when I first heard something. I’m occasionally curious about others, she wants assessment for normalcy (so she can change to fit!).

It would certainly explain some of the dumb shit she asks.

She actually asked me how often my new love interest and I talk to each other. WTF? Who cares! My relationship is only of deep interest to me. And while I will say I’m happy she has a new relationship as well, I have no interest or need to analyze and examine her experience to bits.

I don’t want to socialize.

Which brings me back to the pleasure of my Ipod Shuffle. I can tune most crap out. I can still hear…but at least it’s now properly background noise and I can tune in or out as need be. I’m not the only one who has resorted to the Shuffle self-defense either. Another co-worker (one who understands) confided in me that sometimes, her Shuffle isn’t even playing anything. But the little earphones are indispensable as a subtle form of “do not disturb”. Your yakkin’ ass co-workers are less inclined to engage you in random conversation if they don’t think you can hear them.

Without it, you are prey for the roaming yakkers. Those co-workers who just need eye-contact to stand in your space wasting a good ten minutes of your time jabbering.

Speaking of my space….just because the cubicle walls aren’t there, doesn’t mean I like it when I’m working at my computer, only to get that “feeling” on the back of my neck. I turn my chair around and find someone in my workspace.

Worse…when someone is staring at my computer screen over my shoulder!

Dumbfuck!

Go away!

If you are physically close enough to be looking over my shoulder like that, you are in my intimate space! If you are close enough to kiss, and you aren’t cleared for that activity…you are invading my space!

Why are you looking at my screen anyway?

You are the reason I’ve altered my Windows XP taskbar to only become visible when my pointer is hovering at the bottom of my screen! You don’t need to know how many programs I have running, or all the windows I have open!

Especially my internet usage! So I goof off during the day! So do you! I’m not coming up behind you to curiously ask about the details of the websites you are visiting while you are on the clock! A manager might overhear you. Loud ass! Have some courtesy and discretion and act as though you don’t see the website, and I’ll be sure to extend the same omission when you are clothes shopping on Yahoo!!

Piss off!

And die!