I am really happy where I am at now. I realize that the "past is in the past" and the "life" I knew as a christian was just a waste of real time. I did learn much about myself and why I married an abusive husband and why I have endured the abuse from my current borderline personality disordered spouse; whom I really love. I have learned to "take care" of others.
It was drilled into me as a young christian; I was only 23 at the time. I am seeing BACK with total clarity of "how I put up with" other's behavior BECAUSE I was a christian. I thought that "enduring the abuse" proved my love for my ex husband but I no longer have than knee jerk obligation; I love my husband but his abuse is getting worse all the time. Borderline Personality disorder is like that. I NO LONGER feel that I have to DENY MYSELF and my feelings in order to love him; I do love him, that is NO problem but due to his illness, he cannot, will not and doesn't seem to be trying to "hear me" regarding what is going on in our relationship. I am "painted black" now...everything I do is WRONG. Everything I say and do that causes HIM to have a "bad feeling" is my fault. This is really HELL,. I know that he is hurting but he HURTS ME in the process. I am afraid that I will stop loving him; and maybe STOP CHOOSING to continue to love him. At least it is NOT out of some religious obligation or fear that I will "not be a good wife". I am a damn good wife.
I know I began this entry with I am "really happy with where I am at now" and I mean it. I would rather be WITH my husband with his illness and NOT have the yoke of christianity around me that to be without him and still be disillusioned by the christian myth. I know that I TRULY love him; no matter how "black" he paints me, I will always love him and stay with him, not because "I HAVE TO" and believe me, that is a good feeling.