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Goodbye Jesus

Galien's Blog

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I have never really liked being alive very much. Still don't. The fact my kids needed me kept me here for a long time. Now they don't need me anymore, and while I am glad about that, I don't really have any reason to stay.


I love my partner a lot, but life has taught me that down the road I will probably lose him too. I never expect anything to last now. Someone younger or prettier or more suitable will probably come along and take him from me.


All I see ahead of me are more years of struggling financially and emotionally. I have lived pretty much without hope for a very long time. Some days I am okay, some days I am just pissed off that I had to wake up at all, when the oblivion of sleep is so much more preferable than having to deal with more decades of this grinding struggle to live through every day.


I am 52, I have felt like this since I was 15. On my 15th birthday I cried all day, because even back then I realised how different I was from everyone else, and that life was always, always going to hurt me.


I am so, so tired.


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I'm sorry you are feeling this way.  I often felt unneeded and unwanted growing up.  When I was 12-15 my suicidal thoughts were not based off of pain, but of loneliness.


"Nobody would care if I'm gone"

"Does anybody actually love me?"

"Am I useful to anybody?"


It was hard for me to grasp my own self worth.  For me, it took being loved.  I've been loved by 3 or 4 people in my life.  People who showed me that I was important to them...important to THEIR life.  Even though only one person in my life probably really loves me now, I'm still pretty content.  After my worth was discovered by others, I finally discovered it for myself.  I feel very significant, and this feeling is NOT dependent on whether or not I am the center..or even majorly significant in somebody elses life.  Honestly, this didn't fully kick in until the person I loved most in the world died.


I see life as an opportunity now.  An opportunity to find happiness and create happiness with others.  I also see that everybody is living their own life, and my existance isn't necessarilly a "big deal" to anybody else.  It may be, it may not be.  But if it isn't, I won't hold it against them :)


That's just my current perspective now.  Thought I'd share.


As far as your feelings.  You have things that make you happy, don't you?  The little, or big things in life?  What are they?  Why can't you focus on those things?  Just a suggestion. 

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I have severe melancholic depression. We don't really do happy. It isn't a matter of what one concentrates on, it is a biological issue. I have already been on antidepressants since 1994, but there is no medication that works for sadness.


Thank you for reading my blog.

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It really sucks that I can't think of anything to say that would help you feel better when you have severe depression. After reading the blog you posted, I really wanted to say something that would help, but I didn't know what could possibly be said.


I hope maybe you can find a treatment that will help you to feel better and enjoy life. Even though I don't really know you all that well, I still wish I could help.

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Thanks mate. That is one of the shitty things about depression, you can only have so many meds and so much talking therapy, and then there just isn't anything else. Thank you for your kind wishes smile.png

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Galien, reading your post I get this impression that your heart has been taken by all that you have had to endure. I wish I could ease your suffering but know I can't. Still I'm glad you posted this. To a certain degree I can say that I do understand how you feel because I am also a person who feels life deeply and has a mood disorder as well, so I know the combination can make for an intensely painful life. I don't know, maybe it is totally different for you but either way I am sorry that you live this way. Sounds really tough.


Hang in there :)

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I am often sad, but not depressed. There is a difference. Depression means you can't do things. Sadness is how you feel, but it doesn't stop you from doing things. I can be sad about lots of things, but I still get up, go to work, and take care of my family. Sadness can be good. It's good to be sad about sucky things. And that can even make you happy that you are sad.


Can you be just sad without being depressed? If you can, you'll be Ok!

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Because being sad is a way to live smile.png Decades is too long to feel sad. Sadness is under my control, depression isn't.

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