I know my biggest problem is my extreme emotional reaction to things. I do not have either an off switch or a volume control on my emotions. They swamp me and I have very little control over that.
Right now I am possessed by extreme rage, because I am so angry at people for not wanting to be the best they can be. I have always been like this, I suspect it is my melancholy temperament, but this goes beyond a preference, it is an obsession.
I have always thought that if I could still love people through all the shit I have been through, people who have been through less shit than I have should be even better at doing that. But they don’t want to, and it causes so much dissonance in my head that is gives me a headache.
I had hoped after leaving Christianity this would go away, but it is getting worse. The more people I talk to who think it is funny to not care and be an asshole, the angrier I get. I seem unable to accept that people are not that nice.
Maybe I am afraid that if I do find a way to accept it that it will overwhelm me and I will take my own life because I really cannot live with it.
Before all the PTSD, I never knew what it was to feel threatened all the time, to never feel safe, and to not trust anyone. I was never a paranoid person, but then I was always ready to believe the best of everyone, despite evidence to the contrary.
I can feel myself losing grip again, in a way I haven’t for quite a few years. I had hoped the suicidal ideation was gone for good, but now it is back full force. I know I don’t belong here.
I have been crying every day at work for a couple of weeks, it is so embarrassing. I am grieving the loss of contact with my daughter so badly. This is like the deepest cut of all, to find out the little girl you loved so much is not that nice either. I have begged her to go get counselling for the way men have hurt her but she won’t go. I realise now the sweet girl she was is never coming back, she is gone for good.