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Rage


Galien

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I know my biggest problem is my extreme emotional reaction to things. I do not have either an off switch or a volume control on my emotions. They swamp me and I have very little control over that.

 

Right now I am possessed by extreme rage, because I am so angry at people for not wanting to be the best they can be. I have always been like this, I suspect it is my melancholy temperament, but this goes beyond a preference, it is an obsession.

 

I have always thought that if I could still love people through all the shit I have been through, people who have been through less shit than I have should be even better at doing that. But they don’t want to, and it causes so much dissonance in my head that is gives me a headache.

 

I had hoped after leaving Christianity this would go away, but it is getting worse. The more people I talk to who think it is funny to not care and be an asshole, the angrier I get. I seem unable to accept that people are not that nice.

 

Maybe I am afraid that if I do find a way to accept it that it will overwhelm me and I will take my own life because I really cannot live with it.

 

Before all the PTSD, I never knew what it was to feel threatened all the time, to never feel safe, and to not trust anyone. I was never a paranoid person, but then I was always ready to believe the best of everyone, despite evidence to the contrary.

 

I can feel myself losing grip again, in a way I haven’t for quite a few years. I had hoped the suicidal ideation was gone for good, but now it is back full force. I know I don’t belong here.

 

I have been crying every day at work for a couple of weeks, it is so embarrassing. I am grieving the loss of contact with my daughter so badly. This is like the deepest cut of all, to find out the little girl you loved so much is not that nice either. I have begged her to go get counselling for the way men have hurt her but she won’t go. I realise now the sweet girl she was is never coming back, she is gone for good.

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Hi, Galien.  I am sorry you are having such difficulties, especially as they involve your daughter.  I have a 19 year old daughter who is in her first year of college.  She means the world to me as I am sure yours does to you.  I hope you are somehow able to reconcile with your daughter.

 

I just wanted you to know I read what you wrote and that I wish you well.

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Galien, it sounds like you are experiencing deep grief over your daughter, and then everything else it taps into. It must be overwhelming, I cannot imagine how painful this must be. In the last few years I have been hit with a similar revelation that most people are selfish and it has rocked my world. At times I have wondered if I even want to live in what I see to be a cruel, cold world as it just hurts so much to exist in it. For now I seem to have found a way to detach myself from the outside world. It is most likely a form of dissociation as I tend to dissociate when under extreme stress. This is a survival mechanism and I am very thankful for it.

 

You have been through a lot but you are still alive so you must be an incredibly tough woman. Is there some survival skills you know to help you stay alive through this dark period? Almost always, even with devastating circumstances, the pain begins to ease after time. If you can survive this phase you may be very thankful you did when you make it to the other side. I know you have said all has been done therapy and medication wise but it may be helpful to find someone you trust to talk to about your daughter because it is such a huge blow. Don't bear this alone. Take care :)

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It is really hard when we live in a not-so-nice world. Somehow we've lost our sense of self, in the full sense of the word, and we've lost the sense of community. It's just the manufactured culture we live in. It can't produce much by it's very nature, and anything that challenges the herd is stomped into pulp, chewed up and forgotten about.

 

You say you don't belong here, and that's true. You don't belong here, you belong above and beyond it. You'd do the world a disservice by leaving it behind, there'd be one less real person out there, daring to be kind in an unkind world.

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