At this point of my personal deconversion process I've found myself able to watch and listen to anti-christian material without being shocked or offended, personally. I'm amazed at that. For so long, any blatant, in-your-face "God doesn't exist" material would leave me butthurt, lol. Well, now I can say that isn't the case. Might seem trivial (I hope not), but it's a big step for me. I don't consider this part of my life a "dark night of the soul" anymore, but an awakening and realization that I no longer believe what I once did.
The most difficult part of it is the feeling of walking on eggshells around my Christian family. Being asked to pray for a meal when the fam gets together. Hiding my atheism, essentially. There'll come a time when I acknowledge the truth aloud, but it isn't today. It's my own business, and it'll hurt a lot of feelings -- probably even frighten a few people, honestly.
I'm going to give my religious iconography and spiritual books away soon. It'll be good for spring cleaning, both the house here and the clutter within me. The thing about being born and raised with faith is, you may be able to clean it out, but you'll be dusting off little shelves and corners for years to come, I realize. There'll always be a little baggage. It's culturally, psychologically and mentally engrained into me and I think I'll feel the repercussions of that for years to come. Even if I know it isn't true.
It makes me sad for lost time, and angry for what it does to people... I wonder if I'll have a tiny echo of fear in the back of my mind when it comes my time to die, what if hell comes next? I wonder if my parents can pass away peacefully if they knew that I was bound for an eternity without them as a non-believer? How long will it take my younger brother to understand that I no longer believe?
It's bullshit. Religion operates on guilt and fear. It projects shame and guilt onto natural human desires. It's easier to keep someone docile and complacent when their self-worth is reduced to zero. It makes people think they need "accountability groups" for something like masturbation. If there is a supreme being offended by the five knuckle shuffle in the first place, I call him petty.
I know that this has turned into a ramble. I don't really get to ramble anywhere else though, so bear with me on this one.