I miss the fellowship and community feeling of organized religion, and I miss the feeling of ritual, as strange as that may sound. I very much enjoy liturgical worship and all of the combined aesthetics -- incense, votives, iconography, chant, et. al. It's just that I obviously no longer believe in the dogma and theology behind said things. What's a guy to do when there's the feeling of a void within him where all of these things used to be? I couldn't bear to attend services once in awhile and feel like I'm "faking it", or simply visit there as a witness, while I have so much history there. People are nosy, and ask a lot of questions. And I don't look forward to any conversations about what my intentions are, what I do or don't believe, or anything else of that nature.

I don't know what to do. I am a spiritual person in my heart of hearts, and I don't know where to go from here. I don't believe in any sort of singular deity figure, and I don't want to "convert" to some other religion. Religion isn't for me, but spirituality is. And while I may be able to satisfy my pantheistic leanings while meditating in nature, or by other means, it doesn't satisfy the desire for community. Ironic, to consider the idea of pantheism while feeling truly so alone, in a spiritual sense.

Perhaps this is just a bruised ego's way of seeking external validation after being humbled by the realness of deconversion. Perhaps I don't need a group or communal setting or shared ritual at all, and I have truly gained something by losing all of these things. Just doesn't quite feel that way...