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Goodbye Jesus

Galien's Blog

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For just one year of my life, just one, I would like it if there was nothing to be angry about. That is yet to happen. No liars, no emotional. retards, no bludgers, no people where I have to carry the whole load for the relationship, no fairweather friends, no people who havent dealt with their own emotional issues. I'm just so fucking tired of having to beg people for the things I need. I want my life to be more than just working and my heart hurting and washing sox.


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Just went to see my therapist. I have had such a long history of not getting my needs met. Seems every time in my life I have mentioned them to people, the people go away, so I just let things slide when I should not. My mother taught me I was not allowed to have needs, every time I tried to get them met I would be punished by her emotional withdrawal or her violence, or her getting angry at me because I had them in the first place. My ex husband used to do the same thing to me, the cult, the church, even my own daughter. I told my daughter that her abandonment of me had utterly destoyed me as a person. No response.

I keep hoping that things will get better, that my needs will be acknowledged and I will be heard. Sadly though, I don't mention them when I should and I build up resentment that the person doesn't care about me, at the same time I build up fear because I know when I mention them, the person will be angry with me. Seems like I cannot win sometimes.

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My advice - examine, and then lower your expectations. Its helped me a lot.

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I don't know if this will help any, but it did for me. I started to fulfill needs that I needed to give myself. I found that before seeking the acknowledgement and filling of voids from people around me, I had to first allow myself to give myself things I needed first.


An example would be my writing. I would always put it off, make excuses, wait for others to allow me time to focus and pen together stories. Seems like a very unemotional, not overly important thing, but it is critical to me, personally. And by sitting there, resenting the fact I never got time or environment to craft words pissed me off to no end. How do these people not understand that my creative self needs this?? Like air, I have to have that creative space and time or I literally get depressed. If I brought it up to my boyfriend or kids, they would look at me like I had lost my mind. They didn't understand how important it was to me, and they sure as fuck didn't care either.


I realized it was essential that I not wait for others to grant me my own happiness. They aren't necessary for that.


<3 Hang in there. You are always so resilient.

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Guest ninurta


Honestly, change would start with you. You can't change others. If you're angry, get at the source of that and work from there, see what you can change to better the situation. Stop just trying to fill the voids left by unmet needs, its a waste of time and effort that could be spent elsewhere.

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