Damned Good Question

[chefranden]

Why do we hate our kids?

 

The rage first struck upon years of close observation of my wife (who shall remain nameless for the purposes of this rant). Her capacity for ignoring our five-year-old son is enormous. She’ll sit at her computer for six or eight hours at a stretch, effectively diffusing his most anguished pleas for someone to play with an accomplished wave of the hand. Their primary interactions (that I’ve observed anyhow) are, “Elijah, pick up your toys,” Elijah, brush your teeth,” and “Elijah, go to bed.” His response to these interactions consists of your standard issue five-year-old foot stamping routine.

 

The rage of course bloomed first directly at my wife, which I wisely decided to reflect further on before conducting a little foot stamping routine of my own. How could she possible have no desire to interact with Elijah’s heart-stoppingly cute visage? Was every ounce of mothering instinct wrung out of her? I tried gentle persuasion first. “Sweetheart, you could play World of Warcraft with him, don’t you think you’d both really like that?” I got a look that could have splashed marble into lava in mere seconds at that seemingly harmless suggestion. I decided to ponder further.

 

It was sometime around this point that I experienced the epiphany moment we writers love so much. The question bounded into my head without any provocation whatsoever, why do we hate our kids? The implications were slower to surface. I do my fatherly duties on a regular basis, whether they be wiping poop off the bathroom walls, reading the bedtime stories, playing World of Warcraft, or banging my head up against the alphabet on the magna-doodle board. The key word in my second statement is duties, and the key word in my initial question is “we.” For you see, it isn’t my wife that hates her kid and can’t stand to be around him. It’s our whole civilization.

 

What’s that I hear? Cries of protest, refusals to read further? Ah ha, struck a nerve, have I? It wasn’t long before I realized that my wife and I’s approach to child rearing were not that much different. Can you guess what my thoughts might have been while reading those bedtime stories and throwing my full mental weight into the magna-doodle board? You be correct if you guessed, “I wish this would hurry up and get over so I can do something important.” Fantastically simple, but probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to admit to myself. My first clue was of course that our most frantic human dislikes are often the memes we’re most intimately connected with.

 

So, in fact it was my wife all along who had the moral high ground in our situation, at least she wasn’t lying to Elijah’s face. On the other hand, I’m somehow still stuck in the fantastically idiotic Christian fucking rut of martyrdom and self-sacrifice. “Well, I really hate doing this, but I’ll do it anyway because I love you.” Ouch. The truth hurts.

 

So how did I get from not liking magna-doodles to the wide reaching conclusion that our whole society would sooner kick a kid than look one in the eye? Well, by anecdotal evidence and skipping wildly towards fantastic conclusions of course. Actually, the proof is not anecdotal at all, but systematic and rapidly spreading to our entire planet. Parents quite simply participate in their child’s lives as little as possible. We are not their friends. We are not their providers. They are on their own. No, I’m not referring to wacko parents or even half of parents, but 99.9 percent of parents in the civilized world. What is this scourge that threatens our human emotional existence? It’s a little thing called K-12 education; the most widely preached and universally approved system ever designed by humans.

 

First let’s try a little thought experiment. Say a complete stranger drives up to you and your kids in front of your house and offers to take little Jimmy for a ride for a couple of hours. What is your response? Hell no? So why are we doing that exact thing every single day then? What the hell? When that universally hated yellow school bus pulls up in front of our houses we calmly send them off with a giant sigh of relief. Thank god I don’t have to put up with them anymore. Have we forgotten how horrible school was? Have we forgotten how we got our souls systematic stomped out of existence by an endless procession of zombie like marionettes. Sit down. Shut up. Mind your manners. Do your homework. Fill in those circles. And don’t ever . . . ever . . . ever think for yourself. I’m not even going to get into the horrible things kids do to each other within this system. Let’s continue to focus on what the system is designed to do to the kids.

 

So, I must have been one of those kids who was in detention every day and got tampon swirlies in the women’s bathroom between classes then, huh? Actually, no, I graduated valedictorian from my High School; I “succeeded” within the system. By all societal predictions I should have turned into a manner-minding happy-go-lucky citizen who happily sends their own spawn off to the zombiefication factory. Fortunately, I promised myself not to forget the living hell that is the K-12 system just like we all did when we were there. Despite the enormous emotional damage I received there, I did learn something. No child of mine would ever have to endure such hardship and suffering.

 

Home schooling Elijah was the easiest decision I’ve ever made. Carrying the promise through to its pragmatic conclusion, however, has been a sorrowful tale of mind bending pain. Even at this exact moment I’m escaping my child rearing responsibilities by hiding in this coffee shop and writing this article. The realization of the mental facts has helped somewhat. Ironically, admitting that I resent Elijah for the resources he requires from me has made the fatherly “duties” go by a bit smoother.

 

The parasitic requirements of children and their parents’ obvious genetic and biological urge to fulfill them have long been know to science. If fact, recent studies have even suggested that a fetus may have the ability to actually kill the mother (by causing preeclampsia) for the sake of its own survival. You don’t see examples in nature of the mother robin stopping at the bar on the way home to squeeze a few more moment of piece and quiet into her day. Where did we go wrong? Were does “go away and leave me along come from?” The answer, again, is systematic. Biologically, we’re pretty good at working for around 3-4 hours a day, anything after that is a stretch. Our ancient hunter-gathering ancestors did have the time to themselves that we so desperately seek now, but they also had time for their children. Our current situation of an Egyptian/Jewish relationship with our employers simply isn’t compatible with our biology, and it shows. Oh boy, does it show.

 

Of course we want our children to leave us alone! In any given day we’ve already been working for more than twice our natural capacity to work. And what’s worse is our average work day is plum full of artificial stressors that our hunter-gathering cousins wouldn’t have had to deal with. The most surreal part of it is that thanks to the zombiefication process of K-12 we think this is perfectly normal. Requiring emotion numbing drugs to keep from breaking down is normal. Suicide obsessed self-mutilating cults developing in our children is perfectly normal. The striking similarity between High School and High Security Prison facilities is perfectly normal.

 

Not only do I have to tear Elijah out of the cycle of destruction, but somehow I have to protect him from my entire generation. We all want the kids to go away and leave us alone and going through the motions isn’t going to cut it. We are part of an entire civilization that has forgotten how to raise children and our only hope is reinventing the wheel one painful whack at a time.

[white_raven23]

Ooooh!

 

Chef! I think we might be on the same page today!!!

 

I kinda lightly touched on this mentality over in the Sex and Christianity thread!

 

I think you are right! Our altruism, compassion, and caring gets stripped bare in an eight + hour workday!

 

This doesn't just affect how people relate to their offspring, but also how spouses relate to each other! How do you maintain the affection in a relationship if, by days end, all you feel is a resentful (to the world at large....but family makes a convinient scapegoat) "leemeealone."?

[Amethyst]

Excellent post, Chef.

[freeday]

excellent post, i see it all the time. i think the problem stems from people being selfish, not wanting to give out thier time.

[Fweethawt]

excellent post, i see it all the time. i think the problem stems from people being selfish, not wanting to give out thier time.

It's not the people. It's the system. Carefully read the piece again.

[ped]

damn that was a good post. thanks chef.

[Purple]

Scary isn't it, but good luck trying to fight it. I pulled my now 18 year old out of school half way through her sophmore year of high school. She entered an independant study program, she hasn't graduated. In someways I regret pulling her out now, I think it set her on drift. The school system is bad though too.

 

 

The thing is a lot of people have noticed that the schools system is designed to train up good workers. Not good peopel, not thinkers, not independent people, but part of the hive. There is the curriculum, and you only touched on what kids do to each other, where I am going nuts, and have actively encouraged my kids to act up is lunch. By the time my daughter got through the line, and although shorter there is a line even if she brings her own lunch, she has 15 minutes to eat. Someone last year decided they were ntot going to let them talk either. Excuse me??!!! What the hell is that??? They can talk now BTW, but for a year they couldn't. That to me is not just bringing up workers, its bringing up slaves. I'm lucky in that I am at home. It's not enough though. I believe we need more parents raising children. Not nessicarily mothers, but paernts. You spoke of nature, in animals that actaully raise their young, and live ni groups usualy one of the parents is there with them, liek with birds, one no the nest, one off catching food. We no longer care for our young in family groups. Industrilisation sent us into the factories and offices. I do not buy into, and I don't think you do either, that women work because they selfishly want nothing to do with their kids. Most people work to survive, admitly we have a skewed idea of survive. I dunno, I have no answers for you.

 

Years ago, my oldest was in 4th grade and my middle was in kindergarden. It was picture day, you were suppossed to fill out which package you wanted and put the slip and the check in the envelope, and send it to school with the kid, no check no pics. So, I take my daughter to school, but my son was in afternoon K, we get back home, and there on the kitchen table is, you guessed it, the envelope. So, I call and ask when is such and such class going to pictures, and do I need to take this envelope right now, or can it wait and I'll bring it when I bring my son in? They are all "That class doesn't go until after lunch", oh ok great. So I do whatever until it's time to take my son. Take him to class then go to the office with the envelope, and the lady says "oh, I'm sorry they have already gone, but if you like we can retake her picture." WHAT?!, but but but I just called! Sorry Ma'am, but we'll send her right over after Sucess for All (A completely STUPID reading program SFA for short) so I take a deep berath and say ok, and say that's fine but let me see her, we had put her hair in braids, and it was bugging her, so if she thinks her pic is done she'll probably take them out. "No I'm sorry we can't do that it's SFA, we can't disturb a class during SFA" um excuse me I'm her mother, I know ma'am but blah blah ... Um ok let me talk to the princible, "shes on vacatino if you like I can make an appointment for you to talk to out asst princible when she gets back fomr lunch." ARGH! I go out to my car, and am all ok, I'll go home and cool off and maybe I'm blowing this out of propotion. I got home and just get more mad. I call the school I get the asst principle, and I say to her It is a common advice that if you have a kid in day care, and they tell you you cannot see your kid at a particular time, that is a bad sign and you should insist or pull them out, are you telling me that I am suppossed to trust the public school system more than private day care? Then I ask as a parent wouldn't that set off bells to you?" and she is all as a parent no, and as a person wiht a master degree in education I understand the importance of these programs.... I cut her off, pppffthhhh Masters degree, I told her don't talk down to me, my daughter, in 5th grade is smarter and can probably read better than you. As her mother I have the right to see her when ever I wish for whatever reason I wish. She stammered but said little else, I informed her I would be calling the district office, and that when I want to see my daughter from now no she had better be frount and center as soon as possible. She said she didn't think I needed to do that. I did though, the asstitnat to the superindentent of schools was very apologetic. SFA was disbanded.

[Kurari]

And people wonder why I'm childfree and had my tubes tied at age 24.

 

Today's education is a huge pet peeve rant for me, but you pretty much already hit the nail on the head. The inadaquicies of parenting and the school system feed off each other and are crumbling further as we speak. One day something is going to break completely as the next generation is left further helpless in actually having less life skills to cope with the mess we've created.

[godlessgrrl]

excellent post, i see it all the time. i think the problem stems from people being selfish, not wanting to give out thier time.

 

It's bloody damn hard to give something you don't have. Time, energy, whatever it is. Selfish my left foot. I don't function when I'm drained.

 

Lack of time & energy is reason number 573 why I won't have kids. I couldn't give them what they really need to thrive, and I'd resent them for wanting it. That isn't healthy for anybody.

 

Shitty school districts is reason number 465.

[freeday]

excellent post, i see it all the time. i think the problem stems from people being selfish, not wanting to give out thier time.

 

It's bloody damn hard to give something you don't have. Time, energy, whatever it is. Selfish my left foot. I don't function when I'm drained.

 

Lack of time & energy is reason number 573 why I won't have kids. I couldn't give them what they really need to thrive, and I'd resent them for wanting it. That isn't healthy for anybody.

 

Shitty school districts is reason number 465.

 

chronic fatigue can be symptoms of underlying medical problems, if you are tired as you say you are, maybe you should seek the advise of a physician.

 

i didn't think that the article stressed the parent being to tired to play with children, but wanting to do something else that didn't involve the children.

[chefranden]

damn that was a good post. thanks chef.

 

Thanks, the writer is my son.

[Guest Jacob Pederson]

Some other good discusion on this rant in its original location here and here. Thanks for all your great comments.

[Fweethawt]

Some other good discusion on this rant in its original location here and here. Thanks for all your great comments.

Greetings, Cheffy Jr.!

[Jubilant]

Thanks for posting Chef... Your sons blog is now bookmarked, I've been reading John Taylor Gatto because he's raved about by numerous home school advocates and he's the only one I haven't read yet. Another AWESOME fellow was the late John Holt.

 

Yesterday I was at a friends house who happened to be using a 2nd grade social studies textbook for her sons reading lesson. I browsed the pages and couldn't help but laugh. I laughed because without ever having taught a social studies lesson or without ever having made our daughter (who'd be going into the 3rd grade if schooled) read a social studies book we covered all of those areas but even more in-depth. No forced lessons or stupid little questions, she learned by observing her world, discussions with adults and other children, watching tv, reading books, magazines etc. of her own volition. As a matter of fact I thought the language used was downright stupid, talk about dumbing down. Both of mine would be bored to tears in school, screw that. And honestly, I don't give a shit what the government deams that my kids 'need to know', humans are curious and learners by nature, no need to fix what wasn't broken in the first place.

[Cerise]

Chef Jr. is one smart cookie.

 

Takes after his dad, I see.

[Fweethawt]

Chef Jr. is one smart cookie.

 

Takes after his dad, I see.

Hi, Cerise!

[Cerise]

Hi, Cerise!

 

Hi Fwee.

 

I must say, your quotes have gotten funnier since I've been away.

[Fweethawt]

Hi, Cerise!

Hi Fwee.

 

I must say, your quotes have gotten funnier since I've been away.

You like that, huh?

 

I think it was a combination of buttered popcorn and black coffee that enable me to come up with that one.

 

Yeah. I think it was...

 

[Cerise]

 

I think it was a combination of buttered popcorn and black coffee that enable me to come up with that one.

 

Yeah. I think it was...

 

 

 

A potent combination if I ever saw one.

[Fweethawt]

 

I think it was a combination of buttered popcorn and black coffee that enable me to come up with that one.

 

Yeah. I think it was...

 

A potent combination if I ever saw one.

Especially if you make the mistake of salting your coffee and sprinkling sugar on your popcorn. That'll mess everything up and the world will turn into one big rainbow.

 

With butterflies.

[chefranden]

Chef Jr. is one smart cookie.

 

Takes after his dad, I see.

 

 

 

Thanks Dear, long time no see.

[chefranden]

Thanks for posting Chef... Your sons blog is now bookmarked, I've been reading John Taylor Gatto because he's raved about by numerous home school advocates and he's the only one I haven't read yet. Another AWESOME fellow was the late John Holt.

 

Yesterday I was at a friends house who happened to be using a 2nd grade social studies textbook for her sons reading lesson. I browsed the pages and couldn't help but laugh. I laughed because without ever having taught a social studies lesson or without ever having made our daughter (who'd be going into the 3rd grade if schooled) read a social studies book we covered all of those areas but even more in-depth. No forced lessons or stupid little questions, she learned by observing her world, discussions with adults and other children, watching tv, reading books, magazines etc. of her own volition. As a matter of fact I thought the language used was downright stupid, talk about dumbing down. Both of mine would be bored to tears in school, screw that. And honestly, I don't give a shit what the government deams that my kids 'need to know', humans are curious and learners by nature, no need to fix what wasn't broken in the first place.

 

We've read Gatto too.

 

My wife and I were too chicken to defy the laws of the state, so our poor children were subjected to the years of boredumb (sic). The laws have loosened up a bit since. I'm convinced that all the kids they drug to keep them in their seats don't have ADD, rather the schools have Interestingness Deficit Disorder, but you can't drug a school. For the vast majority of kids school isn't about education; it is about inculcation in workaholic zombyism. This prepares them for years of meaningless drugery for the benefit of "the man".

[Lightbearer]

I disagree with alot of you, but one thing is for sure.

 

We all see a problem here and the first step to solve a problem is to indentify it.

 

I agree that most parents seem to neglect thier kids. It's funny that you mentioned WoW because parents play WoW more then thier kids do!

 

But why? Some say it's because of the parents selfishness. Is it? Are they being selfish?

 

Think about. Raising children is a heroic, noble and virtuous undertaken. Kids aren't delivered by the storke. They don't randomly pop in the mothers womb. They are a product of sex. People have sex voluntarily for the most part (children concieved out of rape are better left aborted).

 

So the problem starts with sex, at least the problem with parents how parents deal with thier children. Sex should be, and represent the highest values that the two people share. It's about love for one another and thier selfish desire to be with the person, to please them, to have them and utterly bond with them.

 

But sex has been reduced to nothing more then mere meat wrangling, or a self-sacrificial chore. Or a mindless indulgence.

 

So if you didn't want and enjoy the sex in first place, and kids are a product of that, or you didn't want them, then how are they going to be treated. Sadly, most kids are either "accidents" or "unintended" so they are resented by thier parents.

 

But think about it, if you loved your kids, wouldn't you want the best for them? The most for them? The truest, and most pure for them? Isn't that selfish? To want your children, your creation... to be happy, healthy and free? Parents view having kids as a selfless sacrifice. So they aren't motivated to bring this treatment to thier kids. The parents barely love themselves and each other, how can they have anything for thier kids?

 

All of this is a syptom of something greater.

 

Look at the education system. You want your get's to be instilled with the highest values, and purest morals you can offer them, so they can grow and be prosperous, healthy and happy. You don't feed your kids garbage, so why do you feed them garbage values and garbage education?

 

Public education embodies this. It dumbs kids down in the name of learning. If the schools were private parents could pick where they want thier kids and thier money to go to. Because in the public school system, the state tells your kids what to do, and what to think while stealing your money to do it through taxes, you have no say over it.

 

Who do you want to raise your kids? Who is going to do a better job? The state, the community, the church or you, thier parent? That's why the parent should choose which education is best for thier children.

 

If you resent your kids you need to revaluate your own values and priorities.

[Mad_Gerbil]

Chef:

It was my intent to never come back here - as I've been busy elsewhere, but on a whim I came back and while looking for the old familar faces I found this post. I must tell you that you've summed up very well several thoughts I've been having about my own children and my reaction to them.

 

I know you aren't a theist, but to communicate to you how I've felt about it lately I want you to know I've taken to the habit of asking G_d every morning to please sacrifice my life in service to my own family. I'm such a pig, a brute, and a liar! My stars man! I think you've nailed probably the most important social crises in the US today - it isn't the gays, commandments in the courthouse, or the next supreme court nominee - it is the fate of our children.

 

Bless you man.

[Ramen666]

My rant on the school system:

 

Most of these posts are from people older than me. I am 18 and just got out of the school system. I went through high school in college prep classes (for the first two years) then I went to Honors for the next two years.

When I became an honors student in high school I felt like I was always better than everyone. We were basically told that by everyone. It really went to my head until I thought a lot about it. How it affects the whole school with the honors students.

 

Teachers at my school don't treat college prep students equally. In a scenerio you were born rich. Or basically you are set to fail. The reason I say that honors students get basically kicked into going to college (which I am) while college prep are forgotten and treated lower. The gap got real bad in my last year at high school. I wrote a complaint to my teacher even because she was always bashing everyone not honors and basicallly said they are set to fail. That college prep students don't have a chance.

 

Well it's the teachers and the system that are putting them in that postion. Which it really makes me mad. It is the system's fault.