Harmless Anti-christian Pranks

[Bobo]

In no way am I suggesting that I am an out-of-control vandal or that I even have the slightest wild streak. All in all, I'm rather dull.

 

But last night, my wife and I visited Books-a-Million (if you've never been to one, they're a lot like Borders or Barnes & Noble). We couldn't help but notice the huge section of Christian books. There were five cases of Bibles alone. On the adjacent aisle was a "Christian Fiction" section. I took it upon myself to move a few of the Bibles to a more appropriate category. (This is me living dangerously. ) One was an archaeological study Bible, so I couldn't resist.

 

Was that rude and inconsiderate of the employees? Perhaps. Or maybe they got a good laugh about it (despite their intelligence and love for reading, bookstore people tend to suffer from shockingly low wages -- so many of them are lefties). I don't know...maybe they didn't even get the joke and were simply pissed that they had to take the time to put the Bibles back where they were "supposed to be."

 

So, does anybody else play the occasional anti-Christian prank? Got any funny stories?

[StewartP]

When you put them in the fiction section, how did you file them for author?

 

Under G for God?

[Naughtyhamster]

I'm not sure about anti-christian pranks but once I did crack a very sarcastic joke that almost got me get kicked out of the house by my mother a few years ago. Some xtian guy, who was a popular student at the college I go to, had died of leukemia. Well that day our theatre teacher announced this guy's death I got into a confrontation with a prostitute that was hanging around the school as she was panhandling and I wouldn't give her a dollar. This woman had hung around the school trying to get sex and money from students on thier way to classes.

 

When I got home my mother had seen that I had a rough day ,and so I told her "It looks like Billy Joel was right Mom! The good do die goddamn young as Addy died last night! Then a fucking whore was trying to take my money! God is such an fucking asshole as he kills off the wrong people!" Mom's face had turned a bright red and she tried to talk to me about the student's death. I replied "I would rather worship Satan as he wouldn't zap his followers with cancer and shit like God does!" My mother, despite being disabled, tired to chase me down but all she could do was get a light whack on my ass for talking "Blasphemy".

[Ramen666]

Read my sig.

 

You did the coolest thing ever! You are my hero

[Bobo]

I didn't put them anywhere special. I just faced them forward in obvious spaces on the shelves. I wouldn't know which author to file them under... too many to count!

[The Sage Nabooru]

Dude........

 

You went into a store, picked up a item, and put it in a seperate section where it doesn't belong?

 

And then just left it to the hapless employees to pick up all your scattered disorganization? Oh, sure, it's our job, we're supposed to do it! It's not like we have souls that could hate picking up after people who toss things out of their carts halfway across the store where they don't belong and just expect us to trail after them to clean up their refuse! Why don't you just pick things up when you know you're going to buy them? Or how about just buying everything you get your paws and germs on and sticking with it instead of changing your mind and leaving the rejected dairy products to rot away when you stuff them behind the CD cases because you know you're doing something wrong and you don't want the staff to see you put something back where it doesn't belong and so you systematically hide it so we don't find it until months later! God I hate customers!

[Bobo]

My wife (pandora) scolded me for doing it and refused to participate for those very reasons, Sage. But my hope is that at least they got a laugh out of it. It was only three books.

[StewartP]

Why don't you just pick things up when you know you're going to buy them? Or how about just buying everything you get your paws and germs on and sticking with it instead of changing your mind and leaving the rejected dairy products to rot away when you stuff them behind the CD cases because you know you're doing something wrong and you don't want the staff to see you put something back where it doesn't belong and so you systematically hide it so we don't find it until months later! God I hate customers!

Dude . . .

 

Thanks for some great ideas!

 

My saturdays will never be boring again!

 

 

 

I didn't put them anywhere special. I just faced them forward in obvious spaces on the shelves. I wouldn't know which author to file them under... too many to count!

 

P for People

 

Bobo - you're onto something here.

 

Re-categorisation of bookstores.

 

We go in, co-ordinated hit on a bookstore. We move all the travel books into the self-help section. We put the bibles into Christian fiction. We put the psychic phenomena/new age stuff in the trash and we blow the joint.

[Astreja]

I write commentaries on religious tracts that get left in public places.

[rad]

I predict the average age of participants on this thread will be 22, myself excluded.

[StewartP]

At 44 I must be skewing the average somewhat.

[Thurisaz]

I predict the average age of participants on this thread will be 22, myself excluded.

 

All my experience indicates that it's the morontheists (christians, jews, muslims... well, I rarely - if ever - have trouble with jews, but I'll include them here for theoretical reasons) who commonly exhibit the intellectual capacities of children. And spoiled ones at that.

 

That said, I'm 36 1/2 currently.

[godlessgrrl]

Sometimes I tell particularly clueless and annoying proselytizers that I eat Christian babies for dinner. Then I ask if they have any children. That usually shuts 'em up.

 

34 here.

[fallenleaf]

When I worked at a hotel there were business cards all over the lobby for various groups and businesses in the community. Sometimes, late at night, I would take a couple dozen from a holder and write little sayings on the back of them, and then place them back in the holder with a few clean cards in front of them. I did that randomly for a while and hit all the holders at least a couple times. I once had a guest ask me about one of the cards which was laying on a table with the writing on it. I explained that we sometimes had kids and teens hang around the lobby for the cookies and sometimes they did that.

 

The sayings were mostly random and non-offensive but it kept me amused.

 

As for the rant about people moving stuff around, "Boo hoo..." I've worked my fair share of jobs were I had to restock and reorganize stuff that had been moved around by customers. Is it the most fantastic job around? Nah... but it's part of the job you get paid for. When I worked at a food-store we would always joke about the amount of stuff that was moved and how most of it was half eaten. That was until the day we found the can of cat food behind some boxes... it was about a quarter gone. From then on, none of us wanted to think about what happened to that. Even if it only ended up in a purse, to later be fed to a cat, it was bad enough.

[hatepirate]

As for the rant about people moving stuff around, "Boo hoo..." I've worked my fair share of jobs were I had to restock and reorganize stuff that had been moved around by customers. Is it the most fantastic job around? Nah... but it's part of the job you get paid for. When I worked at a food-store we would always joke about the amount of stuff that was moved and how most of it was half eaten. That was until the day we found the can of cat food behind some boxes... it was about a quarter gone. From then on, none of us wanted to think about what happened to that. Even if it only ended up in a purse, to later be fed to a cat, it was bad enough.

Haha. Brings back memories when I worked in a grocery store.

Reminds me of a classic story. One time I was working customer service. A lady came up and asked for 4 packs of cigars (as all the tobacco products were kept behind the customer service counter). As I was getting them, she started saying, "Hurry! Hurry!" I gave her a weird look, and thought "Fuck her. I'll slow down." She made this really shocked and embarrassed face at me as she handed me her money. I'll never forget it. And she started say, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." and runs out of the fucking store. I stood there for a moment thinking "WTF?!" Then, one of the baggers asks, "Hey, whats that on the floor?" I look over the counter and there was a pool of blood! That bitch had just menstruated on the floor.

 

So I made one of the baggers clean it up. And the mop was nowhere to be found. ...So I made him get down on his hands and knees and wipe it up with a paper towl. I'm such a bastard.

[Curtdude]

I predict the average age of participants on this thread will be 22, myself excluded.

 

Yeah, if you want a really MATURE conversation, check out a Benny Hinn crusade, or even better, my home church in Auburn, Washington. You'll get an earfull of "God wants you to be successful in life, even though it contradicts everything Jesus said about selling all of your possessions, etc."

 

Not that the bible and christianity aren't full of contradictions already. So are you a spirit filled believer? Is it biblical for you to criticize apostates for making fun of your religion? Doesn't sound very Christ-like to moi.

 

Or how about just opening the bible and reading about how god finds us so nauseating that he created billions of us, knowing full goddanmed well that we'd fall into sin, so he could CHOOSE a few elect to stick w/ him, but fry the rest of us for eternity. Yeah, that's really MATURE.

 

Fer christ's sake, if some apostates wanna gripe about exacting a little misplaced revenge on a religion that we feel stole years from our lives, and (thank god) The Sage puts in her 2 freakin cents about being annoyed by such adolescent pranks (sorry bobo, your wife is right on), then let them do it without some annoying chatter from the Christian sidelines on how 2nd gradeish it all is.

 

Btw, I'm 45.

[LosingMyReligion]

I'm 25!

 

Anyway, I never really played a prank. However, I did work in a book store and out of compassion I would never reorganize...lol. I hated doing that...

 

There used to be fundies that came in and covered the Harry Potter books with Gideon Bibles, I shit you not...Of course yours truly had to reorganize them...GRRRR.

[Naughtyhamster]

Does telling your nieve xtian fourteen year old cousin that a Japanese manga (that has drawings of nude women and much violence) is xtian pass as a prank?

[Antlerman]

You could always just print this out on some adhesive-backed paper and stick it on the Gideon Bible's in hotel rooms, (or church pew if you're feeling particularily without scruples that day):

 

 

[Mman2000]

I did this one online.

 

 

Here's a few responses from those good, loving christians.

 

 

I'm gonna have to this again on xmas day.

[specs appeal]

Meh, I'm 21 but I don't pull any stunts of any nature. I guess it doesn't come naturally to me. I am watching this thread, though, so maybe that makes me immature, ooh..

[fallenleaf]

Haha. Brings back memories when I worked in a grocery store.

Reminds me of a classic story.

 

lol... that's funny.

 

I had a great time working there and worked there for a couple of years in high school. One of my favorite stories has to do with a prank we'd play on the new guys. Done right it took 2-3 people but you could do it with one if you were reasonably charismatic. We worked for a store which was "rather customer focused" (to understate it just a tad). The first 2-3 days you worked there it was all movies and rules and shit. And many of these rules made little or no sense to people at first and some involved rather odd things about what you should or should not do to make the store more appealing to the "guests" as we called the people who spent money there.

 

So, after 2-3 days of this brainwashing, they'd set them loose on a shift to shadow a person. If that person was sent to shadow a stock person. we'd always do this. First 1-2 guys would go to the aisle with the salad dressing. They would spend 5-10 minutes shaking all the dressings that tend to settle two deep on the shelves. Meanwhile, the other person is walking the guy around the store explaining the little odd jobs they'll be expected to pick up along the way. Eventually he gets to the salad dressing aisle which has been vacated by the other guys just before. Even as he arrives some of the dressings are starting to settle. He continues the speech about making the products as appealing as possible:

 

Take for example these dressings. See how some of them settle to the bottom? Well that doesn't appeal to the customer who wants to know the look and consistency of the dressing as they shop. So every 15 minutes or so, you need to come around here and shake the the settled dressings, two deep, to make them more appealing and customer attractive. {If the person comments, logically, about the customer wanting to see it settled to get an idea of what is in it, point out that we only shake the first two so they can just look behind them to see what it looks like settled.}

 

Etc... ad-libbed as needed. Usually the person shakes a couple bottles as an example and then encourages the newbie to do a few. The walk through continues uninterrupted.

 

20-30 minutes later: "Have you checked on the dressings yet?"

[Guy runs off to shake the dressings]

 

20-30 minutes later: "How do those dressings look?"

[repeat]

When he comes back encourage him to take the initiative and pay attention to the time so you won't have to remind him next time because he'll be working alone soon enough.

 

It's said you could tell how long they'd work for the store by how many times they actually went back to shake the dressings. The "life-ers" would be those who eventually had to be let in on the joke... ideally (although only in rumors never in my experience) after teaching it earnestly to a new person without knowing it was a joke.

 

Edit: What is sad is how many people get taken by this joke at all. I probably would have been taken for a couple times myself if I hadn't started out front and only moved back to stock after I had observed it done several times and months after the mental disruption caused by the tapes and indoctrination. But I would say that it was near 100% of the people did it at least once without being told. 80% did it even if they didn't know they were being watched. It's probably less than 100%. I didn't do it but I was aware of it... in the two years I did stock, I never did see a person unexposed to the joke pick up on it right away. Says a lot... doesn't it?

[SilentLoner]

Last year at my family's annual midnight mass attendance/hostage situation I put down some names in the (whatsitcalled - registry? the book where people write their names down?) anyway I signed a few:

Ben Dover

Oliver Klozoff

Hugh G Rection

 

This year I was considering printing out some bible inncauracy phamplets and hiding them in those pockets in the pews.

[Onyx]

I've done many pranks of an anti Christian nature and all of them were harmless. But no one bat an eye here. Oh well, I'll have better luck with American fundies.

[AKR]

 

So, does anybody else play the occasional anti-Christian prank? Got any funny stories?

 

i don't know about pranks, but i like to take bibles from hotel rooms and use them as fire starters. i also took one and shredded it for some homemade insulation for the house i'm building. the bible is actually quite useful.