truth Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Hi there, Well after several days in the hospital, my grandmother finally passed away in the wee hrs of the morning. I have spent many hours over the last several days at the hospital with her and family. It was good to have some words with her and say goodbye..but so hard... she fought hard for so long and all the nurses said she was a tough old bird... she had a good grip for a long time and tired talking on and off for a few days. I am very sad that she is gone, but as well as a little bit relived that her work is all done and she is no longer suffering anymore. It was so hard to see her suffering, and she was at peace.In a way I have been grieving her loss over four years to some extent. She was a awesome woman... who was still worried about my dad in her last days.. Everyone is saying she has gone home... she is at peace... she's with jesus.. ya da yah dah...my family has no idea I don't believe in the xian god anymore..grandma would freak out if she knew... I was joking around with my friend last night that if she knew she would wake up and try to knock some sense into me. She would be very sad. I don't get if there is a xian god why he would allow one of his most faithful servents to suffer so badly over the last couple of years and why no one in the church cared for her. One of my aunts friends who is a female pastor for the pentecostal assemblies of canada actually came to the hospital last night.. she drove me home as they both were appauled that I would take the bus home after being at the hospital on a cold icy night.. she ended up staying with my grandmother the night and letting my aunt go home and rest.. she was with her in her final moments... I think my Grandmother would have wanted it that way anyhow..with a sister in christ with her... even though i don't believe that anymore So I think I am going to go make a cuppa tea and go read the god delusion. And really hope that gran was wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lycorth Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 My condolences to you and yours, and I lift my cup in my heart to the memory of a loved one passed on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 So I think I am going to go make a cuppa tea and go read the god delusion. And really hope that gran was wrong. Sorry for your loss. Please try not to worry yourself whether she was right or wrong. You'll just be beating yourself up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 truth: Celebrate the good things and thoughts she left with you. Rejoice that you knew this Lady and had opportunity to share life and times with her. kL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
exbeliever Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Sorry to hear that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panglossian Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 My condolences to you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShackledNoMore Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 My condolences, truth. She may not be in a xian afterlife with god, but her suffering is over and she lives on in your heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 {hugs} from me and SusieQ. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
truth Posted January 18, 2007 Author Share Posted January 18, 2007 Thanks... This morning I had woke up to a reply.. I had sent the pastor a email thanking her for being with my grandma.. When she drove me home I asked if sometime I could meet with her to talk.. I said I had been having a crisis of faith lately.. Okay I don't know I said that..pehaps grief... I had a uttered on of my few prayers the last couple of months...okay god if you are there and real.. you better make yourself known.. Anyhow god hasn't but a representative showed up.. which I shouldn't really be surprised since my family is totally xian and of corse they would have some sort of relgious person up there... and of corse it would have to be a woman..lol.. i don't know maybe I am just curious. I don't think I will actually call her up. Sigh.. I took today off work too.. I will go back on friday but will take monday off for the memorial service. I tried last night to write some things about Grandma down.My aunt is going down to the funeral home to dicuss with the director all the detials.. I don't think I want to go with her.. I am hoping that someone else will do that with her.. Kind of feel like I am in a weird sort of matrix.. where I am the only one who doesn't believe in the immaginary friend and magical kingdom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanakila Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 I am so sorry for your loss. My grandma died last February after a long time of suffering as well. She was a deist and wanted no funeral, but my aunt and mom had the hospice minister perform a liberal xian service. It wasn't as painful as it would have been if it had been fundy with pleas for people to convert before it's too late, but it did seem phony describing my former Catholic turned deist grandmother as "with Jesus" now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astreja Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 (((truth))) May the best of your grandmother's life live on in your memories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poonis Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 My condolences to you. I lost my grandma about a year after I lost faith in god, and for awhile it brought me the "what if im wrong" thoughts for awhile, but they subsided. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknowing1 Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard losing a loved one. Hang in there and take care of yourself. May you find comfort in remembering the love, laughter and good times you two have shared during your lifetime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue elephant Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Sorry to hear about your loss, Truth. Be gentle with yourself. Try and remember all the good times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starelda Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godlessgrrl Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 My condolences for your loss. I'm glad it was peaceful and that people got to be around her until the end. I recommend taking a little time to yourself, to remember your gma and process the loss. It sucks losing a loved one, but funerals and memorials are for the living, not the dead, and they can actually help a lot, in terms of easing people through the grief. Hugs and good thoughts to you. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndreasBolle Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 My condolences to you and yours, celebrate her life. **raises a horn to her memory** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 If they do have a religious service for her, don't miss it. Sharing grief with family can be a great comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
truth Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 If they do have a religious service for her, don't miss it. Sharing grief with family can be a great comfort. Hhhm funny you should say that... I was feeling kind of angry tonight... with my family taking about her being with jesus in heaven and stuff tonight... I really just wanted to say shut up.. that doesn't freakin help..cause I don't belive that.. but thought that probally wouldn't be a very good time to come out with that... tommorow they are doing a graveside service for just family with a pastor and hymns and stuff and I am seriously dreading it.. I had to do this when my grandfather her husband died a decade ago.. and I wasn't even that close to him and I had a really hard time then.. mind you I was alot younger then. I think the serice tommorow is going to be a lot smaller and shorter.. thank goodness but I really don't want to stand around listening to a preacher and singing soangs about going to heaven.. I am starting to think about making a will... and what I want when I die.. I don't know why but I just feel kind of mad that I have to go to this... and then a memorial service on Monday with everyone... I am sure that the memorial service will be just as religious.. I am just annoyed I have to go to this ceromony which is pointless and just adding extra stress... but gee it is what she wanted..and she was from a different generation...But gee I sure don't want my relatives standing around in the cold to burry me... Sigh... but yah.. I am going...I don't want to though.. had said to my mom earlier that I really didn't want to go... she asked me was I serious.. I said I really don't want to go but I will go... I am stilll working on writting something for the memorial service.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknowing1 Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Oh Truth, I apologize if anything I am about to say upsets you. I have a tendancy to be blunt although I try not to be and while it isn't meant it comes out that way sometimes. I understand where you are coming from about the anger. But is the anger really directed toward the religious aspects of it all or are you perhaps more angry because she is gone? Anger is one step in the grief process and sometimes we can be angry and think we know why but it is actually due to something totally different. Had your family not been using the references to jesus or heaven would you not be angry? When my mom died I too had anger. When people would say to me that she was in a better place or may God comfort you I was angry. I realized though that it wasn't just the reference to heaven that made me mad because even the words "at least she is no longer suffering" made me angry too. I finally realized that I was angry because she died, I was even a little angry with her because she died. I do agree that funerals are for the living but I also feel that they are a final act of respect for the dead. My mother was religious, she believed and because she believed and would have wanted a religious ceremony at her funeral I tolerated it and actually arranged it. I thought of it this way, it was her wish and I had no right to take that away from her. I also felt that it was the last thing I could ever do for her. She would have been heartbroken if I hadn't attended and while I realize that she would never have known, I as her daughter felt that I should at least see through that last and final act out of respect for her. The funeral was for her, I arranged it with love, I attended out of love and respect for her, I did it all for her, it wasn't for me and when my time comes I hope whoever makes the arrangements for me will show me the same respect and my funeral/memorial will be as I would want...Oh yeah party time! BUT, I felt I could handle it, though if I had been in a different place and felt that I couldn't go through with it all I wouldn't have. You sound as if while it may be difficult for you like it was for me, that you have the strength to deal with it. I think in the future when you look back at it all that you will be glad that you did what she would have wanted. As for writing a will and noting your wishes for burial, I think that is a splendid idea. As for the reason, it is because you have suffered a loss and when that happens we realize we are not immortal. By your making your last wishes known you are guaranteeing that your funeral will be in keeping with what you want, just like your grandma's funeral will be in keeping with what she wanted. Hang in there. Know that what you are feeling is normal and just do what you feel you can do and don't push yourself too hard to do what you can't. There is no right way to grieve. Everyone grieves differently and what is right for you is not going to be right for someone else. Deb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ex-COG Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Truth, sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I myself recently lost an uncle on the fundamentalist side of the family. If they do have a religious service for her, don't miss it. Sharing grief with family can be a great comfort. A great comfort--if you don't get caught up in the irritation of having to listen to religious blatherings and salvation sermons given at the funeral, aimed at the unsaved members of the family. Sometimes religion gets in the way of grief by offering false answers and solutions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
truth Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 Hhm well... I am not sure honestly what I am angry about.. I really just think it is just a stage in grief.. This morning on the way to the graveside service.. I am in the car with my mom and sis.. there are sheep outside as we are driving into the countryside, I say look shep.. or something.. and then she starts rattaling of about jesus and sheep or god or something.. I kind of loose it at that point and say.. can you not do that it doesn't help!Which she responds.. well if you believe in heaven and jesus it does and if you don't there is no compfort and what is the point of life.. I personally think that is very narrow minded thinking..but didn't get into that with her today. My friend asked me if I believed she was in heaven if I still believe in that... I said... NO.. I think she is at peace and rest... maybe someplace somewhere.. She thought that was kind of sad.. my other friend really has no idea how little I do believe in anymore.. she also works the same place as my aunt.. neither of them would cope well knowing I am an ex-xtian... agnostic/humanist and would perhaps take it a little too personally. The graveside service was proabaly how she would have wanted it.. with talk of her being in heaven.. and loving jesus... and the rapture and second coming... I just decided to let it out and grieve and cry.. I don't remember half of what the preacher said.. At least most of the snow was gone and it was a sunny day... It was odd though... we don't have the memorial service until monday.. but we are saying good bye to her today... well I really said goodbye a few days ago.. And at least we didn't have to sing any soangs or stay long.. it was hard enough as it was.. It was more just paying respect... and really seemed kind of point less.. I am kind of glad they didn't lower it in when we were there. Afterwards we went out for pizza.. talked.. then I ended up voluntering to do the photo collogue.. which I wanted to do.. went with my aunt and met with the pastor doing the memorial service.. and then shopping and looked at pics... and then met with relatives and looked through old albums and chatted had a glass of wine.. they are religious too but not fundy... thank goodness.. So I will either work on it tonight or tommorow.. I still have to work on my written tribute to her.. I am pretty sure the service is going to be religious...my aunt told the preacher today.. he could preach it in the sermon..I can ignore it though.. the rest will be a tribute to her life.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknowing1 Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 I kind of thought you wouldn't hear most of the ceremony. Letting it all out and grieving is exactly what you needed to do. I think you might have a more difficult time with the memorial but do what you said ignore it when the minister speaks, think about something else, find something in the room to fixiate on that you might wonder and ask yourself questions about. That's what I did at my mom's service and probably why I don't remember much of what the minister said. If someone comes up to you and starts talking religious mumbo jumbo, murmer something like, oh excuse me for a moment I really need to.....and go on to speak to someone else, go to the bathroom, go outside for a minute, whatever. As for your family, while the comments annoy you I think you should ignore them for now and try to let them slide. Everyone has suffered a loss and most people have heightened emotions that can only cause problems if we act upon things that annoy us immediately. Right now I'm thinking that everything that used to bother you a little before is bothering you even more just because of what you have been through. Also, if it were me I wouldn't be emotionally strong enough or have my wits about me enough to even begin to debate them. Nor am I thinking would they be in the right mind to hear them. By the example you cite (the car ride), you are behaving with a dignity and a maturity that your sister is not exhibiting, but excuse her behaviour for this period of time because she too is going through the grieving process. There will be many a time in the future that debate can occur, times when you both aren't emotionally raw. And honestly I don't think you want to remember your grandma's funeral as the time the family was torn apart. I know that your feelings aren't being considered by them, unfortunately, but then again I'm thinking they aren't really sure what you believe and therefore cannot be considerate of your feelings. I've never quite liked the idea of a burial service and then turning around a few days later and having a memorial service, to me it just draws things out for the living and their ability to move on with their lives. Good luck to you Truth, you do have one more big event to get through but I think you will do fine. Just remember that the thoughts and feelings that you are having are normal. You will not snap out of it in one or two days so be patient with yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
truth Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 Thanks..... I plan to bring lots of tissue to the service on Monday..and will try to ignore the preacher.. I think there is going to be more talking with the eulogy and tributes..though relilgious babble will be through out all those too.. but it is a big part of who she was so it's different. I think I am going to head to the scrapbook store to get some nice background papers for this poster board and photos that I am suppossed to be working on.. Yes I don't have too much patience for things I usually just ignore..but maybe shouldn't ignore. I am 30 but my mom is still trying to tell me how to run my life. I told her today I can figure that out I am 30 not 2..Urghhh ok maybe I shouldn't made that comment but we are all kind of running a bit differently... she is getting overly controling and I am getting less patient. Okay I should get going.. I have lots to do today.. somehow need to figure out when to clean my house in between all of this and writting the tribute. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 A great comfort--if you don't get caught up in the irritation of having to listen to religious blatherings and salvation sermons given at the funeral, aimed at the unsaved members of the family. Sometimes religion gets in the way of grief by offering false answers and solutions. Minor inconveniences that can be handled diplomatically. I've done it at several funerals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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