Well, This Is A Lovely Thing To Come Back To...

[LadyFeline]

As... some people have noticed, no doubt, I'm prone to disappearing for periods of time with no prior notice. Lately, I've been so bogged down and being killed by work, work, work, work, WORK that I've gotten a little behind on, well... a lot of things. ExC included.

 

Anyway, I've been at my mother's house for the past week or so, getting the things I managed to salvage from my late grandmother's estate before the greedy vultures/aunts stripped the entire property of anything of any value and just... spending time with mom. Which is where things get - I don't want to say interesting. Infuriating is more like it.

 

So, my first post made upon returning is... Venting! Hurray! Or not, bear with me please...

 

-----

 

Okay, so I left Monday morning to take the very long trip out to see my family in IL. I get home just fine, but not an hour after I get in, mom springs some... rather unsurprising news on me.

 

Apparently, dad hasn't spoken to her since mid-October. Hasn't even bothered to speak to either of my brothers, either. Apparently , he'd spent most of last year making "friends" down in Florida, and talking about Florida, and always wanting to go back to Florida, and talking about his "friends" in Florida... All the while ignoring my mother's medical problems, his familial responsibilities, etc.

 

And then, he just... up and left, and never came home. Didn't even have the testicular fortitude to tell mom or the boys that he wasn't planning on coming back, just up and disappeared.

 

So now? Now, mom's divorcing him.

 

Funny thing? I saw this coming miles away. Mom did, too, but she says that she just didn't care...

 

But I knew he was an immature, lying, miserable, petty, childish little brat of a cheater. He cheated on his first wife, and he treated mom like she was worthless, so... yeah. Saw it coming.

 

I'm not... broken up or anything. To be absolutely blunt, I loathed that disgusting excuse for a man with every fiber of my being, and have for going on ten years now. I'm glad to never have to see him again. I just wish he'd been a man and been honest, instead of just abandoning my mother and brothers like they didn't mean anything and acting like they never existed in the first place.

 

...yeah... lovely news to come home to...

 

AND, this is right out of an email mom sent me last night...

 

"I forgot to mention that when Robert left, he defaulted on the loans at the bank.He left the state with the collateral(semi-tractor and trailer) which was also the only way we had to make money."

 

...Which is only part of it, but basically... He not only took off to Florida to take up with some truckstop whore... but he left mom with all of his fragging debts and no money to pay for them, to buy food for the horses, dogs, cats, or even his own sons, and no funds for propane to heat the house. He's refusing to sign the divorce papers or pay child support (I guess my youngest brother isn't as "good" as his oldest daughter, my drug-addict stepsister) and is basically trying to force mom into foreclosure so she'll lose everything.

 

His family won't help her. Her extended family won't help her... My SO's family can't offer much more than advice on what to do and who to go to (which, if she plays her cards right, will hopefully cause Robert's little "plan" to backfire right into his fat face...) and there's not much I can do, right now, to help. I am, though, working on a few things for her, and hopefully they'll be useful.

 

Still, that doesn't mean that I don't alternately want to beat my head against the wall/track the man down and throw an M-80 into his pickup truck...

 

 

 

 

...Yeah, like I said... A lovely note to come back on, huh?

[Fweethawt]

That's messed up. Hang in there, LF.

[Lucas Foxx]

I am sorry to hear of your trobles. I hope everything works out ok in the end.

[Dave]

I cried that I had no shoes until I met a man that had no feet.

 

Your's may be an extreme case, but I would have rather had father troubles than having some drunk driver murder my father when I was only 4 years old.

[LadyFeline]

I cried that I had no shoes until I met a man that had no feet.

 

Your's may be an extreme case, but I would have rather had father troubles than having some drunk driver murder my father when I was only 4 years old.

Yeah, thanks. I highly doubt that that's true.

 

I spent well over half my life being psychologically, emotionally, and physically abused by that man, and now he's trying to tear apart the only real family I have left. I would just as soon he be dead, preferably in as violent and bloody a manner as possible, than have to deal with him in any way from this point on. The man's a miserable scumbag excuse for a human being. I feel nothing for him but the deepest, most powerful loathing and contempt.

 

Then again, I suppose most people can't seem to comprehend a case of "I hate the man who calls himself my father" when they come across it. But if all you're going to do is belittle my family's suffering with snide (and grossly grammatically-incorrect) commentary, do yourself a favor and GTFO, because I'm not a nice person when I'm pissed off and I'm already primed to explode because of this situation.

[Dave]

I cried that I had no shoes until I met a man that had no feet.

 

Your's may be an extreme case, but I would have rather had father troubles than having some drunk driver murder my father when I was only 4 years old.

Yeah, thanks. I highly doubt that that's true.

You don't have to believe all of it, just believe the part that someone else has it worse than you do.

 

If the guy is toxic, just evict him from your life then burn the bridge.

 

Think of it this way; why continue to make yourself upset because the guy is not doing what you want him to? He's never going to do what you want him to, so dump him and move on. Is continuing to make yourself upset over this doing you any good? Is it effecting him in any way? If the answer to both questions is no, then try something else.

 

Hating him saps your energy, not his.

[mwc]

LF,

 

Your dad (step dad?) sounds like my biological father. A real "winner." When he died broke and alone the place he was at in Arizona called me and my sibs and none of us would take that fuckers ashes. I almost did just so I could give them as a gag xmas present but decided not to.

 

I hope the advice your mom gets keeps him from getting his way (my grandparents paid my douche bag dad to leave...sometimes its worth some cash to be rid of them).

 

mwc

[Fweethawt]

I cried that I had no shoes until I met a man that had no feet.

 

Your's may be an extreme case, but I would have rather had father troubles than having some drunk driver murder my father when I was only 4 years old.

Yeah, thanks. I highly doubt that that's true.

You don't have to believe all of it, just believe the part that someone else has it worse than you do.

Dude, if that story wasn't all true, that was a pretty sick way of trying to get her to change her perspective.

If the guy is toxic, just evict him from your life then burn the bridge.

 

Think of it this way; why continue to make yourself upset because the guy is not doing what you want him to? He's never going to do what you want him to, so dump him and move on. Is continuing to make yourself upset over this doing you any good? Is it effecting him in any way? If the answer to both questions is no, then try something else.

 

Hating him saps your energy, not his.

This is the rant section.

 

Her hatred for this guy comes from years of things that he has done to her and her family along with what he has stuck them with now. You can't just toss shit like this under the rug on a whim.

[Dave]

Dude, if that story wasn't all true, that was a pretty sick way of trying to get her to change her perspective.

Is being said as a moderator or a regular member?

[LadyFeline]

If the guy is toxic, just evict him from your life then burn the bridge.

 

Think of it this way; why continue to make yourself upset because the guy is not doing what you want him to? He's never going to do what you want him to, so dump him and move on. Is continuing to make yourself upset over this doing you any good? Is it effecting him in any way? If the answer to both questions is no, then try something else.

 

Hating him saps your energy, not his.

I'm not upset because he's "not doing what I want him to". I'm barely containing myself from finding and killing the man because my family is suffering. I don't care about him, I care about them, and it fills me with a wordless, vengeful fury to see my family, who deserve better than what they have, being forced to do with far less than they need.

 

All because he wants to be a petty, vindictive, childish brat.

 

I know I can't make him do a damn thing (short of threatening him with a rifle, and that's out of the question right now) but that doesn't mean I can't be angry about the situation he left my mother in. At least I can channel the hate and anger into something constructive that may benefit her, so it's not just going towards fruitless fantasies filled with explosives and Everglades 'gators.

 

LF,

 

Your dad (step dad?) sounds like my biological father. A real "winner." When he died broka and alone the place he was at in Arizona called me and my sibs and none of us would take that fuckers ashes. I almost did just so I could give them as a gag xmas present but decided not to.

 

I hope the advice your mom gets keeps him from getting his way (my grandparents paid my douche bag dad to leave...sometimes its worth some cash to be rid of them).

 

mwc

He's (supposedly) my biological father. Not that I claim him anymore, but that's a little beside the point...

 

If we had money to pay him to just go the fuck away and never show his ugly face again, I, at least, would do it. But I'm on the verge of being totally broke, and mom has even less money than I do.

 

And if he dies, I certainly won't grieve, either. Hell, I'll throw a party...

[Fweethawt]

Dude, if that story wasn't all true, that was a pretty sick way of trying to get her to change her perspective.

Is being said as a moderator or a regular member?

A regular moderating member.

 

Never mind. One of the very last people that needs anyone stepping in for her is Lady Feline. Tread lightly though. Her claws aren't out yet.

[Dave]

I'm not upset because he's "not doing what I want him to". I'm barely containing myself from finding and killing the man because my family is suffering. I don't care about him, I care about them, and it fills me with a wordless, vengeful fury to see my family, who deserve better than what they have, being forced to do with far less than they need.

Of course, you don't have to stop caring about your family, just dump him from your life.

All because he wants to be a petty, vindictive, childish brat.

Of course he is. Nothing you can do, or feel, will change that.

I know I can't make him do a damn thing (short of threatening him with a rifle, and that's out of the question right now) but that doesn't mean I can't be angry about the situation he left my mother in. At least I can channel the hate and anger into something constructive that may benefit her, so it's not just going towards fruitless fantasies filled with explosives and Everglades 'gators.

It is fun to think that way though. I have an ex mother in law that has an expensive car that I'd just love to blow up. I can empathize with some of your feelings. I've never had a toxic parent so I can't empathize with that part. It's probably something you have to go through to understand completely.

 

What I'm trying to bring in here is a little Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. One of the "Irrational Ideas" that we use to make ourselves upset is that others do not do as we demand they should. I'm not saying it's OK for your father to be as he is, just accept that fact that that is all he will ever be and to stop making yourself upset over it. Boot him out of your life and move on.

 

And of course channel that energy into helping your good family.

 

And of course, my advice is free and you get what you pay for. Please feel free to toss it out completely. I won't get mad and I certainly don't want you to make yourself even madder. I did teach REBT for 10 years. Some don't like it, others have used it to make major changes in their life. It all depends on the person.

[Dave]

Dude, if that story wasn't all true, that was a pretty sick way of trying to get her to change her perspective.

Is being said as a moderator or a regular member?

A regular moderating member.

Then as a moderator, there can be no disagreement with what you said.

Never mind. One of the very last people that needs anyone stepping in for her is Lady Feline. Tread lightly though. Her claws aren't out yet.

I have not attacked her in any way so there should be no need for any claws.

[Fweethawt]

Dude, if that story wasn't all true, that was a pretty sick way of trying to get her to change her perspective.

Is being said as a moderator or a regular member?

A regular moderating member.

Then as a moderator, there can be no disagreement with what you said.

 

Umm...

 

Okay...

 

[Piprus]

You have every right to despise the man, LadyF.

I hope you all can track him down and make him responsible. He needs to do the right thing by your mom and your siblings. Dumping his debts on a family he's abandoned is the height of irresponsibility. I just hope your mom and siblings don't have to suffer too much as the thing gets settled.

[Eponymic]

Of course, you don't have to stop caring about your family, just dump him from your life.

 

Dude, I know you want to make this a easy peasy solution, but that's impossible. She can't just dump him from her life as he isn't letting her family dump him from their lives. Until he does the divorce and takes care of his debts, their stuck with dealing with him.

 

Sure she can channel it to make it as constructive as possible, but she can't eliminate it.

[Eponymic]

He's (supposedly) my biological father. Not that I claim him anymore, but that's a little beside the point...

 

If we had money to pay him to just go the fuck away and never show his ugly face again, I, at least, would do it. But I'm on the verge of being totally broke, and mom has even less money than I do.

 

And if he dies, I certainly won't grieve, either. Hell, I'll throw a party...

 

Blood means nothing in reality. It's like the crutch of religion. What matters is what a person does. And this guy deserves to get thrown in a pile of refuse and left for dead.

 

Hopefully your family will exorcise him from your lives as quickly as possible.

 

Best wishes in that regard!!!

[Dave]

Of course, you don't have to stop caring about your family, just dump him from your life.

 

Dude, I know you want to make this a easy peasy solution, but that's impossible.

Dude, it is possible.

She can't just dump him from her life as he isn't letting her family dump him from their lives. Until he does the divorce and takes care of his debts, their stuck with dealing with him.

A piece of paper won't change anything. He will never take care of his debts. It's plain that isn't going to happen so there is no use dwelling on it.

Sure she can channel it to make it as constructive as possible, but she can't eliminate it.

I didn't say it would be easy, but I do believe it is what needs to be done, not only for her and her family, but for their health. The sooner they boot this guy out of their lives and move on, the better off they'll be. Right now he is a thousand, or more, miles away and has essentially dumped them yet he is still controlling their emotions?

 

I say dump the idiot, burn the bridge, and move on. I like burning bridges. That way you have to keep moving forward instead of backwards. But then, again, my advice is free. If you don't like it, by all means, you're free to not follow it.

[Dave]

...

Hopefully your family will exorcise him from your lives as quickly as possible.

I said the same thing yet you disagreed with me?

[woodsmoke]

You know... Fwee's right, the last person who needs someone to step in in her defense is LF, but Jesus Christ, Dave. You can be a real fucking piece of work sometimes.

 

Sorry to hear about the troubles, LF--though the particularly cynical side of me can't help but be glad the bastard's finally out of your life, even if he's still making such a mess. I hope something finally goes right and things work out for you and yours.

 

I wish it were under better circumstances, but I'm glad you're back. Other folks can write a rant and tear an asshole a new one, but no one else makes it as much fun as you do.

[Dave]

You know... Fwee's right, the last person who needs someone to step in in her defense is LF, but Jesus Christ, Dave. You can be a real fucking piece of work sometimes.

Then you can just kiss my ass. I offered sincere, honest, help and you guys act as if I just raped her. Someone even offered the same advice that they chewed me out for giving. Your guys would make Jerry Springer proud.

[Eponymic]

...

Hopefully your family will exorcise him from your lives as quickly as possible.

I said the same thing yet you disagreed with me?

 

I was disagreeing with you saying that she can just wave a magic wand and be done with him.

 

 

 

Dude, maybe it's just the way you present it, but something in the way you write things just gets on my nerves. And obviously I'm not the only one.

[Dave]

...

Hopefully your family will exorcise him from your lives as quickly as possible.

I said the same thing yet you disagreed with me?

 

I was disagreeing with you saying that she can just wave a magic wand and be done with him.

Then please quote where I said that.

Dude, maybe it's just the way you present it, but something in the way you write things just gets on my nerves. And obviously I'm not the only one.

Dude, maybe you're reading more into it that what is there.

 

"Dude" gets on my nerves too but I don't go around misrepresenting everything you have to say because of it.

 

Never mind. You guys just want to whine about someone instead of actually help someone. I'm out of this thread.

[Eponymic]

A piece of paper won't change anything. He will never take care of his debts. It's plain that isn't going to happen so there is no use dwelling on it.

 

It's not about dwelling on it. It's about working as hard as you can to achieve an amenable solution. And then, once you've exhausted your resources and done what you could, THEN you cut bait and let it be. But it's crazy not to at least attempt to do what you can to make him liable for his debts.

Dude, I know you want to make this a easy peasy solution, but that's impossible.

I didn't say it would be easy, ... Dude, it is possible.

 

By saying saying that "It is possible", you DID SAY IT WAS EASY.

Geez louise!

 

 

but I do believe it is what needs to be done, not only for her and her family, but for their health. The sooner they boot this guy out of their lives and move on, the better off they'll be. Right now he is a thousand, or more, miles away and has essentially dumped them yet he is still controlling their emotions?

 

That's totally cool that you think they should move on. I think it's apparent that she wants to move on! But until her family does what they can to eliminate some of the financial culpability, they really can't move on completely. If they want to dump the opporunity to force him to become financially liable for his debts, that's their choice. But given what Lady Feline has said about her family's financial situation, that hardly seems like a choice they can afford.

[Eponymic]

"Dude" gets on my nerves too but I don't go around misrepresenting everything you have to say because of it.

 

Never mind. You guys just want to whine about someone instead of actually help someone. I'm out of this thread.

 

Dude, most un-dudelike.

 

What are you afraid of?

 

It's because we're interested in helping Lady Feline that we're jumping on you.

 

I suppose it could be as simple as I don't care for your writing style. But I think that it's your use of blanket statements and easy solution statements out there that really bites at me. To me, it lacks respect and consideration for the persons individual situation.

 

I appreciate your desire to help & give advice. That's wonderful.

 

I just think in regards to any sensitive topic that you need to temper what you say accordingly. Statements like "just dump him from your life" are way too simple when it comes to matters like this. Yes, in the end it may seem as simple as that, but in the heat of it, it's certainly more complex that 'just dumping him.'