Something I want to mention on Father's Day

[Merlinfmct87]

Today has never been a terribly good day for me.

 

To put it bluntly, my father was not worthy of the day. The fact that he's not around to even celebrate it, or talk about how I feel certainly doesn't help matters.

 

He's a passive-agressive grandmaster, you see. No, my grandfather is not a chess grandmaster, re-read it.

 

I could never get a direct answer from him... I could play along with his illusions, but a truthful and open talk was always out of the question Naturally, this had a detrimental effect on both his relationship with me and his relationship with my mother.

 

He also took every oppertunity to harm us when we tried to corner him into a direct confrontation... he'd just sit on the coutch with a victim stare, then shove a dagger in our back form 600 miles away.

 

SO...

 

What I want this post to do for the Ex-C members here is to reach out to the peternal orphans in the group. I've tried to turn this day into my advantage, to symbolize how I have overcome his attempt to bring me down... how I have survived and prospered despite his presence in my life.

 

How did your father effect your life? Was he a positive or negative influence on your life? How did you overcome his attempts to control your life if negative?

 

Be well,

 

Merlin

[Totallyatpeace]

Today has never been a terribly good day for me.

 

To put it bluntly, my father was not worthy of the day.

My father was and is a wonderful man.

 

 

 

What I really want to post here is a huge hug to you, Merlin.

 

Tap

[Fweethawt]

Good thread, Merl.

 

My father was physically, emotionally,

and mentally abusive to all three of us.

 

I have two fine young boys that will never

know what it is like to have a father like that.

 

 

If it weren't for these dang monitors, I'd shake your hand.

[Merlinfmct87]

My father was and is a wonderful man.

 

I am truly happy to hear that TAP.

 

What I really want to post here is a huge hug to you, Merlin.

 

Tap

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

A hug would be nice, thank you. It still smarts, I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I made this post as much for my own therapy as for the members here.

 

Merlin

[Merlinfmct87]

Good thread, Merl.

 

My father was physically, emotionally,

and mentally abusive to all three of us.

 

You got the whole mix, huh? That's rough. I can only relate to emotional/mental, he only laid a hand on me twice in my 17 years... both times he got his own ass kicked to the curb. The fact that I'm now taller than him probably has something to do with it too.

 

I have two fine young boys that will never

know what it is like to have a father like that.

 

*nods* I always hate the idea that abuse leads to more abuse. In my case, it's the exact opposite. I didn't become abusive, I became *protective*.

 

But, then again, I've always been a screwball.

 

If it weren't for these dang monitors, I'd shake your hand.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

My deepest thanks. To have your respect is a privilege.

 

Merlin

[Astos]

My father is a very mentally abusive scumbag sleazeball and I'm glad I don't have to see him anymore.

 

I could care less if the last time I see him is when he's in a coffin, just like he did to his father. Crap, im following in his footsteps.

[Onyx]

wEll, fuck them and move on! You can get out of the house, Merly!

Assert yourself and venture boldly into the world!

[NimbusBirdMgp]

... My Father was good with liking to be an Artist and loved Aesthetics with this world in convential ways. I never grew up much with him in my earlier years.

 

... He Smoked and Drank himself into really bad health.

 

... He Divorce my Mother when I was 5 years old and living in Tucson, Arizona at the time. And Lived in Hawthorn (South of Los Angeles), California, until I went into the Navy in 1973. My Father lost himself in Alcoholism and tried to recover with AA. Went back to La Porte, Indiana where he and my Mother grew up and where I was born. Then my Father toured the lower States with Art and found himself in Hunstville, Alabama and his 4th Wife Barbara. He had two other wifes in Hawthorn, California.

 

... Then in 1977, I saw my Father leave his place from Laceys Spring, Alabama to Guntersville, Alabama. There he lived till his health got the worse of him and Died December 4, 1999. I had moved to Sacramento, California where my Mother was of March 1979. My Sisters had a chance to see him in Guntersville, Alabama, while I was in Sacramento, California.

 

... I grew up with my Mother. She was remarried to another Man from Tucson, Arizona in 1961. 1964 the family moved to San Diego, California. She got another Divorce in 1966 with him. Got remarried to another Man in 1967 till 1974, while I was in the Navy. My Mother moved to Sacramento, California in 1976. She got married in 1980 again to another Man. He died ? 1992. My mother has been a widow since.

 

... Here is a Picture of my Father in around the 1990's

 

 

... My Father Passed Away on December 4, 1999.

[Merlinfmct87]

wEll, fuck them and move on! You can get out of the house, Merly!

Assert yourself and venture boldly into the world!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Getting out of the house isn't the problem - my father isn't even here. It's overcoming the emotional abuse he's done to me that is the greatest challange.

 

Merlin

[Fweethawt]

I have two fine young boys that will never

know what it is like to have a father like that.

*nods* I always hate the idea that abuse leads to more abuse. In my case, it's the exact opposite. I didn't become abusive, I became *protective*.

 

WHOA THERE MERLY!!

 

Check my comment again!

 

Abuse did NOT lead to more abuse (for my sons) in my case.

 

The parenting lessons that I got from my father taught me how NOT to be a father.

[Merlinfmct87]

*nods* I always hate the idea that abuse leads to more abuse. In my case, it's the exact opposite. I didn't become abusive, I became *protective*.

 

WHOA THERE MERLY!!

 

Check my comment again!

 

Abuse did NOT lead to more abuse (for my sons) in my case.

 

The parenting lessons that I got from my father taught me how NOT to be a father.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Take a deep breath, I was agreeing with you!

 

I was critisizing the ball-brained idea... because it's blatantly FALSE.

 

You're very protective of your kids, as I imagine I would be. Being abused didn't make you want to 'spread the love,' it let you know exactly what kind of harm it does!

 

Merlin

[♦ nivek ♦]

My Dad was a quasi-nutcase semi-fundie fucktard with a hair trigger temper and hands taht oft beat a tattoo across my ass and back..

 

Fuck that miserable asshole.. Now he is gone and I can't argue with his useless ass anymore, kinda miss the old fuckstick..

 

not..

 

kL

[Celsus]

My biological father abandoned my mother and us three kids when I was 9. I was raised by my real dad (stepfather) who is a good man who actually did the things a father is supposed to do and still does ads a grampa. I grew up with a loathing for my biological father, which I have not completely outgrown. He is still alive at 58 years old, living with his fourth wife and has never been either a good father or grandparent. I made a commitment that my children would never experience the abuse, abandonment or loss that I did. As a father myself, I vowed to never be like he was and is.

 

Bruce

[Merlinfmct87]

My biological father abandoned my mother and us three kids when I was 9. I was raised by my real dad (stepfather) who is a good man who actually did the things a father is supposed to do and still does ads a grampa. I grew up with a loathing for my biological father, which I have not completely outgrown. He is still alive at 58 years old, living with his fourth wife and has never been either a good father or grandparent. I made a commitment that my children would never experience the abuse, abandonment or loss that I did. As a father myself, I vowed to never be like he was and is.

 

Bruce

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I understand that distintion perfectly, Bruce. I am loath to use 'father' to describe Jim, but most people don't have a set familial position for "blood-sucking pig," so I am left stuck using an honorary term he does not deserve, nor has he earned.

 

He may be my father... but he was never a parent.

 

Merlin

[SilentLoner]

This would be the first fathers day since my parents split. My parents are going through the divorce process right now.

Before this I had a so-so relationship with my dad, but now I really dont give a fuck if I never see him again.

The ungrateful bastard has been putting my mom through unbelivable stress in the courts with his lawyer.

 

When my parents first got married, my mom quit her job (at his request) so that she could go with him to wherever his job transferred him. She helped him through rehab and tough times when suddenly he decides he no longer wants to be married after 17 years.

 

he can die for all i care.

[Darkenmoon]

I understand that distintion perfectly, Bruce. I am loath to use 'father' to describe Jim, but most people don't have a set familial position for "blood-sucking pig," so I am left stuck using an honorary term he does not deserve, nor has he earned.

 

He may be my father... but he was never a parent.

 

Merlin

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

For my father... I either use the term father (making a distiction that he is so only because I possess DNA from him) or sperm doner works also. At any rate, he chose not to be in my life.. emotionally or physically. They were divorced when I was 5. Fortunately I have an awesome mom... but I suppose there is the little girl in me who wanted to be daddy's little princess and have that daddy daughter bond. He was never a parent.... and certainly never a daddy.

[Dio]

Hey Merlin, you know I think the world of you, man. So I don't mean to take this thread in a different direction, but I just wanted to talk about my father.

 

He was around 50 when I was born, and he passed on many years ago. I never felt close to him. He surely had his faults, but he never did anything that could remotely be considered abusive. All he did was work his tail off for his five kids, struggled through what was obviously a tough marriage, but he (they) stuck through it.

 

He was a WWII vet, former fireman, former golden gloves boxer. He went out west during the depression and worked to help support his parents and 8 brothers and sisters. He was pretty old school, 1st generation Italian-American, not very educated, strict and we could never see eye-to-eye, but the old coot had a good heart and he meant well. He would drag his 60-something year old self out and play catch with me. He would come to all my ballgames. Never said anything, never offered me a lifesaver afterwards, but he was there.

 

As a kid and then a rebellious teenager, then a young man rejecting the blue collar world of my parents, I never appreciated him, but now as a father, I do. I want to be as dedicated as he was to my own kids, and hopefully do even better for them than he did. But looking back, I see he did the best he could. Kinda late, but thank you.

[Reach]

Thanks, Dio, for your post. I read this thread earlier today and wanted to post but I knew I didn't have two hours and I think it might have taken that long to say the several things that were on my mind. You brought me back to an important point, however. I think it's vital to our well-being and understanding of our fathers to consider their age and maturity when we were born and during our earlier years. Some of us were born when our fathers were 15 or 16 or 22 or 27, etc... From what I've seen of men and how they mature over the years, there really aren't many fathers who are great to begin with. They seem to grow up right along with their children and really come into their own in their forties or even much later. While my dad (step-father) made sure he got the support part of the job done, he really didn't understand the needs of his children and he didn't begin to embrace fatherhood until I was 19 and he was in his mid-forties. The story behind that is a precious one. My dad had to grow into being the wonderful father he has become.

 

Thanks, Merlin, for a wonderful thread.

-Reach

[Guest Challenger]

My father wasn't perfect, but he did what was necessary to support a family of ten. If money ran low, he took on a second job. We had everything we ever needed, and I never once, NOT EVER, had any doubt whatsoever that he, or my mother, would be there for us.

 

Not a perfect man. by any means. But a good man. I learned a lot from him.

 

He died very suddeny in 1992, much too young to be taken and too soon. The world hasn't been quite the same since.

 

He is missed to this day.

[Reach]

... but I suppose there is the little girl in me who wanted to be daddy's little princess and have that daddy daughter bond.  He was never a parent.... and certainly never a daddy.

I understand you completely. My father walked out on us when I was two. The little girl in me missed being able to sit on a daddy's lap. I never really had a father until I was nineteen and it's been pretty darn impossible for me to just climb into my new dad's lap as an adult.

 

Hugs Darkenmoon,

Reach

[Ouroboros]

Some of us were born when our fathers were 15 or 16 or 22 or 27, etc... From what I've seen of men and how they mature over the years, there really aren't many fathers who are great to begin with. They seem to grow up right along with their children and really come into their own in their forties or even much later. While my dad (step-father) made sure he got the support part of the job done, he really didn't understand the needs of his children and he didn't begin to embrace fatherhood until I was 19 and he was in his mid-forties. The story behind that is a precious one. My dad had to grow into being the wonderful father he has become.

 

Thanks, Merlin, for a wonderful thread.

-Reach

 

As I always believed, the first child is not raised by the parents, but is raising the parents. If the parent doesn't learn from the his first child, then he probably wont' learn much from the next.

 

It's really sad to hear how several members here on this site had bad experience with their dad. Personally I had very good parents, and my childhood was a dream. My wish was always to could give the same to my kids, and I hope they will remember their childhood with good memories.

 

Merlin, I hope that one day you can emotionally leave it behind, not necessarely forgive, but at least be able to forget and it won't have to be a burden to you anymore.

[I Broke Free]

My dad held up the back of my bike until I could balance it myself.

 

I miss you dad…….died August 12, 2002

[Rachelness]

Was always, am currently, and hope I always will be, close to my Dad. He was my "mum" - did the school run, bath time, bed time stories, helped with homework, ran me to weekly activities, took me out with friends, etc. He was older when he had me (41), as was my mother, though she had a son from a previous marriage. Dad had no other children and didn't think he ever would have. It was a great shock to both of them when my mother found out she was pregnant in her early forties, and my Mum has since told me that my Dad said to her that whatever decision she made, he would support her. He'd never thought about children before, but once it looked as though he were to become a father he came to the realisation that he did want children, but would stand by Mum if she wanted to terminate. She [evidently] decided not to terminate, and my father was suddenly a Daddy. I have been told that when I was a newborn I rolled off the bed and hit my head on the floor. In response my Dad went outside into the back garden and cried.

 

Rachel

[Rachelness]

My dad held up the back of my bike until I could balance it myself.

 

I miss you dad…….died August 12, 2002

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That's so beautifully put, IBF. Thank you.

[Reach]

My dad held up the back of my bike until I could balance it myself.

 

I miss you dad…….died August 12, 2002

 

My dad still has to help hold up my bike, sometimes.