Something I want to mention on Father's Day

[Alice]

I miss my Dad.

 

He was a such a mixture of good and bad. I loved the feeling of his approval so much when I could get it - and hated the feeling that came with not being what he wanted at times. His consequent rejection of the real 'me' is something I still tussle with from time to time.

 

It's such a powerful relationship - the one between a child and their father ... and it seems that this is irrespective of how good or bad it is or was.

[Merlinfmct87]

For my father... I either use the term father (making a distiction that he is so only because I possess DNA from him) or sperm doner works also.  At any rate, he chose not to be in my life.. emotionally or physically.  They were divorced when I was 5.  Fortunately I have an awesome mom... but I suppose there is the little girl in me who wanted to be daddy's little princess and have that daddy daughter bond.  He was never a parent.... and certainly never a daddy.

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Exactry, Darkmoon. Many hugs to you.

 

Hey Merlin, you know I think the world of you, man.

 

*blush*

 

So I don't mean to take this thread in a different direction, but I just wanted to talk about my father.

 

Go for it man.

 

He was around 50 when I was born, and he passed on many years ago.  I never felt close to him.  He surely had his faults, but he never did anything that could remotely be considered abusive.  All he did was work his tail off for his five kids, struggled through what was obviously a tough marriage, but he (they) stuck through it.

 

He was a WWII vet, former fireman, former golden gloves boxer.  He went out west during the depression and worked to help support his parents and 8 brothers and sisters.  He was pretty old school, 1st generation Italian-American, not very educated, strict and we could never see eye-to-eye, but the old coot had a good heart and he meant well.  He would drag his 60-something year old self out and play catch with me.  He would come to all my ballgames.  Never said anything, never offered me a lifesaver afterwards, but he was there.

 

As a kid and then a rebellious teenager, then a young man rejecting the blue collar world of my parents, I never appreciated him, but now as a father, I do.  I want to be as dedicated as he was to my own kids, and hopefully do even better for them than he did.  But looking back, I see he did the best he could.  Kinda late, but thank you.

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He sounds like a great guy, Dio. I can't blame you for looking up to him - particularly in light of your own fatherhood.

 

I know I learned a lot of lessons on how to be a man from my father, or, should I say, how *not* to be a man. It's very comforting to know there are positive examples to follow.

 

Thanks, Dio, for your post. I read this thread earlier today and wanted to post but I knew I didn't have two hours and I think it might have taken that long to say the several things that were on my mind. You brought me back to an important point, however. I think it's vital to our well-being and understanding of our fathers to consider their age and maturity when we were born and during our earlier years. Some of us were born when our fathers were 15 or 16 or 22 or 27, etc... From what I've seen of men and how they mature over the years, there really aren't many fathers who are great to begin with. They seem to grow up right along with their children and really come into their own in their forties or even much later. While my dad (step-father) made sure he got the support part of the job done, he really didn't understand the needs of his children and he didn't begin to embrace fatherhood until I was 19 and he was in his mid-forties. The story behind that is a precious one. My dad had to grow into being the wonderful father he has become.

 

Thanks, Merlin, for a wonderful thread.

-Reach

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You're *very* welcome.

 

In some ways, you are right in my situation. If my father had grown up when he had me things would have been much, much easier. He refused to face things though... just took a policy of ignore it and hope it goes away. It was easier to run to his truck and hope we wouldn't be mad by the time he got home.

 

Well... we were ignored. Ironically enough though, he is the one that filed. Go figure, huh?

 

Merlin

[Merlinfmct87]

As I always believed, the first child is not raised by the parents, but is raising the parents. If the parent doesn't learn from the his first child, then he probably wont' learn much from the next.

 

I agree with this, actually. The parent has to make the effort to grow and learn, though.

 

It's really sad to hear how several members here on this site had bad experience with their dad. Personally I had very good parents, and my childhood was a dream. My wish was always to could give the same to my kids, and I hope they will remember their childhood with good memories.

 

My mum is wonderful... truly a great mother and woman. My childhood has not been easy by any means, but it has been a generally happy one.

 

Merlin, I hope that one day you can emotionally leave it behind, not necessarely forgive, but at least be able to forget and it won't have to be a burden to you anymore.

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I do too, Han. I have a number of friends helping me do just that... I'm much better off because of this site and it's members.

 

TAP... Lokmer... Thanks

 

My dad held up the back of my bike until I could balance it myself.

 

I miss you dad…….died August 12, 2002

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*raises glass*

 

Here's to you, father of IBF. You are missed.

 

Was always, am currently, and hope I always will be, close to my Dad. He was my "mum" - did the school run, bath time, bed time stories, helped with homework, ran me to weekly activities, took me out with friends, etc. He was older when he had me (41), as was my mother, though she had a son from a previous marriage. Dad had no other children and didn't think he ever would have. It was a great shock to both of them when my mother found out she was pregnant in her early forties, and my Mum has since told me that my Dad said to her that whatever decision she made, he would support her. He'd never thought about children before, but once it looked as though he were to become a father he came to the realisation that he did want children, but would stand by Mum if she wanted to terminate. She [evidently] decided not to terminate, and my father was suddenly a Daddy. I have been told that when I was a newborn I rolled off the bed and hit my head on the floor. In response my Dad went outside into the back garden and cried.

 

Rachel

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He sounds like a great guy, Rachel. Thank you for sharing his story with us. I'm quite sure you two will stay close

 

I miss my Dad.

 

He was a such a mixture of good and bad. I loved the feeling of his approval so much when I could get it - and hated the feeling that came with not being what he wanted at times. His consequent rejection of the real 'me' is something I still tussle with from time to time.

 

It's such a powerful relationship - the one between a child and their father ... and it seems that this is irrespective of how good or bad it is or was.

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Ageed. My father was hardly ever around... but he still had an impact on my life. An impact I am overcoming, but an impact nonetheless.

 

Merlin

[Ouroboros]

I do too, Han. I have a number of friends helping me do just that... I'm much better off because of this site and it's members.

Wonderful. This site has helped me sort out things in my mind too, and some of the anger and disappointment I had to my previous religious life.

 

I’m glad that you start working on these emotions. I’ve met people that had tragic things happened in their life, but they can’t move beyond it, so it becomes their daily burden, and the bitterness takes them down. We can’t let other people’s bad attitude and screw-ups to be the cause of our own failures. As humans we need to move on and change the situation by becoming better people that the people that hurt us.

[Fweethawt]

   

 

My dad still has to help hold up my bike, sometimes.

 

There has to be some hidden meaning to this comment....

 

 

You mean to tell me that someone who can knock a piece of dust off of a flea's butt at fifty yards with her longbow, still can't ride a bike?

 

[pandora]

My daddy died when I was 13 due to a very rare cancer. Actually, the chemo killed him. I miss him very much. I remember him as pretty moody because he was very sick for his last three years, but I was his little girl. I am glad I take after his looks, blonde and scandinavian looking. Makes me feel proud to carry on his name., He would be in his mid sixties today.

 

I miss you daddy!

[Reach]

There has to be some hidden meaning to this comment.... 

You're right, Fwee, there is.

You mean to tell me that someone who can knock a piece of dust off of a flea's butt at fifty yards with her longbow, still can't ride a bike? 

 

 

The bike I can handle, most of the time. It's the damned dust on those fleas that gives me so much trouble.

[Purple Rhino]

My dad when I was growing up as a child 0-13. Was affectionate, attentive, loving, fun, and fantastic! He is the Dad I remember fondly. Not that he was perfect but he always did the very best he could.

 

From 13 up jesusdom helped turn him into a fundie clone. I see glimpses of the man I knew every now and then and he does try to be as understanding as he can and I respect that.

 

I just wish he and I could be as close as we once were.

 

PR

[I Broke Free]

My dad when I was growing up as a child 0-13. Was affectionate, attentive, loving, fun, and fantastic! He is the Dad I remember fondly. Not that he was perfect but he always did the very best he could.

 

From 13 up jesusdom helped turn him into a fundie clone. I see glimpses of the man I knew every now and then and he does try to be as understanding as he can and I respect that.

 

I just wish he and I could be as close as we once were.

 

PR

 

 

PR

 

I am glad that your father at least tries to understand you. I know so many gay men who have no relationship at all with their fathers. It is sad that so many men will reject their gay sons for failing to live up to what they wanted. (A clone of themselves?)

 

The relationship I had with my dad morphed from a totally “father-son” relationship as a kid, to one that was more of a deep friendship when I entered my thirties. This change in our relationship occurred during the last year of my mother’s life. She was very ill and he was determined to take care of her and to have her die at home (It was her wish also). All four kids took turns helping dad out, but my father confided in me that I was the only one who really talked to him about what he was going through (Perhaps because I was the only child that had someone close to them die before). I would ask him questions about her upcoming death, his death, and want he wanted us to do with their remains. My siblings just spent their time trying to cheer him up.

 

After my mom’s death, I would spend my vacations with him. He was very tired at this point and getting quite sick himself. It was during this period that he wanted to know ALL about me. He asked me questions about my first partner and what it was like for me when he died (Helicopter crash). He asked me questions about my recovery from cocaine addiction. He asked me a great deal of questions about what it was like for me as kid keeping my sexuality secret. He came to KNOW me, and I him. I learned to love him on completely different level than before.

 

I am so pleased that he was able to live long enough to meet my current partner. They really hit it off. Just months before he died my dad insisted on helping us buy our first home. If would consider myself lucky to be half the man my father was.

 

 

IBF

[Purple Rhino]

... If would consider myself lucky to be half the man my father was.

IBF

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IBF,

 

Thanks so much for sharing that.

 

And I do have hope that things will get better with both of my parents. It seems with age they are not so glued to the church. I also have our current president to thank. LOL, as his exuberent stupidity for jesus is driving a wedge between the Fundie-Mindset and my folks faith. They may even stay a few days with us in September while they visit from GA.

 

 

Thanks again,

 

PR

[nirrti]

IBF,

 

Thanks so much for sharing that.

 

And I do have hope that things will get better with both of my parents. It seems with age they are not so glued to the church. I also have our current president to thank. LOL, as his exuberent stupidity for jesus is driving a wedge between the Fundie-Mindset and my folks faith. They may even stay a few days with us in September while they visit from GA.

Thanks again,

 

PR

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That's great Rhino! (By the way, if you ever choose to start your own company, "Purple Rhino" would be an awesome name).

 

I think parents do mellow as they get older, I guess, because they're more aware of there mortality and know that many things they're anal about aren't as important as the loved ones with which they only have so many years to be with.

 

I know I always talk about how my father disowned me because of the Jehovah's Witnesses but I've never mentioned my grandfather here. My grandfather has his faults like everyone else and like so many men, he didn't become much of a father until his grandkids came about.

 

My mother had me when she was a 16 year-old high school student so that meant me spending my first 5 years with us in my grandparents' home. My grandfather would whip my little tail if I acted up but at the same time, he would always hold me when a thunderstorm knocked the lights out or when I was older and staying over my grandparents' house every weekend, watch Saturday morning cartoons with me. He was always telling me about how it was like to live under segregation and how important it was for me to be educated. Being extremely intellegent, if only he had lived in a different era, he probably would've been a doctor or engineer.

 

As a teenager, I was never without a radio or walkman due to him giving me the ones that where confiscated from the students at the high school where he was supervisor of maintanance. In fact, he was and still is always giving me and my cousins both material things and his time. He never missed any of the milestones in my life, the time I won an art competition, my high school and college graduations. In fact, I probably would've never gone to college if it wasn't for him. He's the only man in my life who never left me and would always be there for me no matter what I did. He's not the huggy, I-love-you type nor does he talk about his feelings that much but there's never any doubt that he loves me and the rest of his family.

[-Demona-]

My birth father abandoned my mother and I when I was an infant. He briefly came back into my life when I was 14 (as was ordered by the NJ court), and vanished again about a year later. And well, let's just say there's no love lost. My mother even told me about the first conversation she had with my father about her. His initial reaction was: "are you sure it's mine?"

 

He never married my mother. In fact, he dumped my mom and married another woman just before I was born. What a dirtbag, huh?

 

(By the way, the stepmum's a total bitch. They deserve each other.)

 

As for my stepfather, he married my mom when I was 4. He was an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive alcoholic and I'm glad that he has been out of our home for the past year and a half.

 

Fuck those bastards. The only two men who ever really loved me are both dead and buried (my grandfather and my "uncle" Richard, who was actually my not-biologically-related godmother's brother-in-law).

 

When I think of Father's Day, I think about my grandfather, who thought the world of me as his little Italian princess. And I think of Richard, the man who could've and should've been my daddy, and is the man my mom still carries a torch for. Richard cherished me like I was his own daughter and, to this very moment, I still sometimes wonder how different things could have been if I had been.

 

Any man can be a father. But it takes a special kind of man to be a dad.

[Purple Rhino]

That's great Rhino! (By the way, if you ever choose to start your own company, "Purple Rhino" would be an awesome name).

 

I think parents do mellow as they get older, I guess, because they're more aware of there mortality and know that many things they're anal about aren't as important as the loved ones with which they only have so many years to be with.

 

...My grandfather has his faults like everyone else and like so many men, he didn't become much of a father until his grandkids came about. 

 

...  My grandfather would whip my little tail if I acted up but at the same time, he would always hold me when a thunderstorm knocked the lights out or when I was older and staying over my grandparents' house every weekend, watch Saturday morning cartoons with me.  He was always telling me about how it was like to live under segregation and how important it was for me to be educated.  Being extremely intellegent, if only he had lived in a different era, he probably would've been a doctor or engineer. 

 

...

He's the only man in my life who never left me and would always be there for me no matter what I did.  He's not the huggy, I-love-you type nor does he talk about his feelings that much but there's never any doubt that he loves me and the rest of his family.

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Thanks, I like the name also (obviously lol) but never thought of it as a company name. It would be cool for an ecclectic shop or graphic design company now that you mention it.

 

I'm glad that you have a grandfather who is so caring. My maternal grand-dad was allot like yours. He died 13 years ago and I miss him daily. I found my paternal grandfather's body when I was 6 after he died while napping in his chair. I remember many many great times with him, but the memory of finding him still haunts me if I start to reminisce.

 

Knowing that someone loves unconditionally is much more important than huggy in my book.

 

PR

[doomguarder]

Excellent thread, Merlin. Wish I had caught it sooner. I have been crazy busy this week.

 

My grandfather, on my dad’s side, left when he was 7 but continued to have limited contact with his kids from that marriage. He was an alcoholic, abusive fuck head until the day he died of liver disease. My father made a conscious effort to never repeat the actions he had witnessed as a child.

 

My grandfather, on my mothers side, gave her to a maiden aunt after her mother died of rheumatic fever when she was 7. The aunt was a very angry closet lesbian (common in the 60s) and an alcoholic. She was mentally abusive and my mother still carries scars to this day. Had her father remained involved in her life (he was a cool cat) the world might have been much easier for her to deal with in the long run.

 

My parent have been the most supportive, honest, loving, and accepting people I have known. I am a daddy’s girl, and talk to him for at least one hour every weekend. He is a great friend.

 

They both had a hard time as kids, but never carried that into their own family. I have great respect for those who can do this, including those on this thread.

 

I bow to great minds that can make their own way without repeating the wrongs of the past. They give me hope for the future.