Do I Tell My Fiance?

[PandaPirate]

I have always questioned Christianity. I grew up in a Catholic home and I can remember the first question I asked my grandmother about Christianity. I was five. I said, "Grandma, with all the other religions in the world, how can we be sure ours is the right one?" I think I always knew deep down inside that something stank.

 

So here I am at the age of 37 and my eyes have finally been opened. At this time in my life, my fiance (we've been together for three years) is away at a Christian drug and alcohol recovery program. He's been there almost three months and he's doing really well. I am glad he has found peace. I have no desire to tell him what I think because as long as he's happy that's all that matters. I certainly don't want to make him question his beliefs at a time when he is so vulnerable.

 

So, how do I handle this? When he comes home he's going to wonder why I'm not going to church anymore. I'd rather wait until he's had a year or two of sobriety and stability behind him before I tell him the reasons I had for leaving the church.

 

What are your thoughts? Thanks!

[R. S. Martin]

I hope someone with more wisdom than I will respond. One thing occurs to me to ask: Will there be, or are there, children in the situation? In my opinion, it would not be fair to bring children into a situation like this without him knowing.

[PandaPirate]

We have a two year old. I do think I need to tell him, I'm just not sure how long I need to wait. It's going to be really hard on him to transition back home and I don't want to pull the rug out from under him. I'm having a hard enough time going through this. I'm angry and I dont' know who to be angry at.

 

My family is another story. My mom thinks she is Christian and she pretends she's hardcore, but I think she just wants to "belong" somewhere. She hardly ever goes to church and she doesn't bible thump. I could get along the rest of my life without telling her. She'd never really know the difference. Unless she comes over and sees all the Wicca books.

[R. S. Martin]

Maybe when the time comes you will know how to handle it. My thought was if you don't have children but plan on having children you might need to discuss it so he can decide if he wants to bring children into a world where parents disagree about religion. If there is already a family started then I see it differently. The child is here and decisions will have to be made on a day to day basis. The child is young, so no immediate decisions have to be made about education. I'm still hoping better qualified people will respond. But your plan of waiting a while to tell him may be a realistic strategy. Of course, I cannot know the intimate details. Only you can know that. There is a thread on the FAQ section that was started before I joined about Breaking the Bad News. Maybe there's something in there that you will find helpful in how or when to tell him. I have not read the entire thread. Here is the thread. All the best. I do hope your fiance's treatment is successful.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Ms Pirate,

 

"One picks nose, and tries to pick battles carefully".

 

In your case with the various things, events and emotives screaming around, all demanding a good part of your time and life to not fuck up, thing is now, bugs bunny "Beeee vewwwwy carrrefullll!" /bugs bunny...

 

Thing is, consider as your life away from organized religious things continues, how much is practiced in private, how much others have to know *now*, and then how much can be introduced as you desire.

 

Or you can just toss the "gospel-less grenade" into the fire and see who is left standing.

 

Option 2, the grenade, isn't very productive. makes for spectacular fireworks and will ensure that life is REalLLlLYYYyy exciting for the longest while.

 

There will be better spoken folks who will give you *nicer* answers, but I will advise at this particular delicate time in life, STFU, live the best you can, and keep a happy face on when the religious hammer you.

 

When you've got breathing room, space in life where being able to talk freely to the Significant Other without as much stress, then you can open up and let things decant at *your pace*.

 

If you are so inclined there are quite a few fellow travellers here at ExC with whom you can find good advise from, things to help on this tough part of journey.

 

Right now, "A closed mouth gathers no foot".

 

kevinL

[pitchu]

I have always questioned Christianity.

Have you done so in the presence of your fiance? If so, how did he react? The answer to this might help you decide which is the wisest path to take.

[mwc]

So here I am at the age of 37 and my eyes have finally been opened. At this time in my life, my fiance (we've been together for three years) is away at a Christian drug and alcohol recovery program. He's been there almost three months and he's doing really well. I am glad he has found peace. I have no desire to tell him what I think because as long as he's happy that's all that matters. I certainly don't want to make him question his beliefs at a time when he is so vulnerable.

Rehab. Okay. So how are things before rehab? Good? Bad? How is the relationship without even thinking about religion? That's one thing to consider. The reason is that rehab isn't alway permanent. If things were crap before and you're hoping rehab will magically fix things then you should forget the religion thing and leave (I understand there is a kid involved). If things were good (and you understand that I don't mean "sometimes" or just when the drugs/alcohol weren't involved I mean normally good) and rehab is to make them better by finally kicking those old habits once and for all then it's time to think about the religion aspect of things.

 

You are there to be supportive of him, and it sounds like you are doing just that, but it is not at the loss of yourself. If he says "I'll return to drink/drugs if you don't go to church" then you are being played. If you support his staying off his habit by whatever means then you are doing what needs to be done. Get it? Now if there are counseling sessions in this religious setting and they recommend you go then I would say you should consider going (but tell the counselor up front that you are atheist/agnostic/whatever and are there for support and won't participate in a religious fashion...they need to respect your boundaries as well). Church is for worship and counseling is for support. They are different. You set your limits.

 

So, how do I handle this? When he comes home he's going to wonder why I'm not going to church anymore. I'd rather wait until he's had a year or two of sobriety and stability behind him before I tell him the reasons I had for leaving the church.

This is a long time. Longer than you think when you've finally admitted the truth to yourself that it's all a fraud. Doing it for someone else sounds noble but it can lead to resentment since he won't be doing anything supportive for you. Perhaps you are a bit co-dependant? Also you are lying to someone in a vulnerable position. You are saying that you are willing to do "X" but you are not. You will eventually pull that rug out from under him and it will appear quite abrupt from his perspective but from your view you had been "planning" for 1 or 2 years to do this (you had been "leading him on" so to speak). It seems cruel doesn't it? It would probably be best to just say that you simply do not wish to attend church anymore up front. Like you're pulling off a band-aid. If he wants to know why you can go into all the reasons but you might want to just leave it at something simple to begin with like "I just don't feel like going anymore." It's true and isn't as confrontational as saying you don't believe.

 

Anyhow, that's way more than enough for now.

 

mwc

[SWIM]

I have always questioned Christianity. I grew up in a Catholic home and I can remember the first question I asked my grandmother about Christianity. I was five. I said, "Grandma, with all the other religions in the world, how can we be sure ours is the right one?" I think I always knew deep down inside that something stank.

 

What was her answer? I asked my dad once along the lines of: "If religion is true, and science is true, why isn't religion called science?" His answer was "You will not blaspheme in this house, and he slapped me across the face". That slap, at probably around age 7 or 8, started me forever on a road of doubting religion. The slap was like a resounding "I don't know" from someone whom at the time thought knew everything...

 

I am actually thankful today that it happened.

[BlueGiant]

Since you call yourself his fiance, I'd figure you're getting married soon. If this is the case, I'd tell him before the two of you tied the knot once and for all. May be one of those things that would let you know if this is a good idea or not.

 

I'd say tell him in that honesty is the best policy way.

[Mongo]

So little information and so many possibilities...

 

I'm compelled to assume he is in rehab because the drinking caused other problems you have not mentioned. (This could change a lot here.)

 

So ask yourself this:

 

What happens if you tell him now and he falls off the wagon? You deal with guilt that you don't deserve. If "he" makes you feel guilty, then he's not worth it anyway.

 

What happens if you wait two years and tell him and he falls off the wagon? You've wasted a lot of time and feel foolish AND guilty.

 

What happens if you wait to tell him and he falls off the wagon before you tell him? You've wasted less time, still feel foolish but not guilty. Well, maybe not since you seem to take responsibility for his problems.

 

What happens if you wait two years and he doesn't fall off the wagon? Maybe he's a keeper but maybe he is abusive in other ways or takes up religion as a new addiction. If however he is a jerk sober you will feel foolish for wasting time.

 

Now... what happens if you tell him *now* and he doesn't fall off the wagon?

Then you have time to figure out whether he is a dork or not a dork while he is sober and you need not feel guilty or foolish.

 

He owes it to himself first and to you second to grow up and face reality without alcohol. By not telling him (kindly of course), you treat him like a kid.

 

Live *your* life. Require *him* to live his.

 

You are who you are and you need to be together on those terms.

 

Good luck!

 

Mongo

[white_raven23]

At this time in my life, my fiance (we've been together for three years) is away at a Christian drug and alcohol recovery program. He's been there almost three months and he's doing really well.

 

Stop right there. That means absolutely squat. How he behaves in a controlled environment is is NO WAY a reflection or prediction of behavior in the real world.

 

Saying a guy in a rehab facility is "doing really well" is like saying a child molester in prison is "doing really well" when parole time comes around. Of course he's doing well! There's no alcohol available at rehab like there's no children available in prison.

 

Expect him to fall off the wagon. Seriously. An attempt to change one's behavior is easy when away from one's regular life.

 

I'd rather wait until he's had a year or two of sobriety and stability behind him before I tell him the reasons I had for leaving the church.

 

So by then....likely you will be married to this guy, and your kid will be four. If you think telling him now would be difficult.....you really think it will be easier later? Is this your first relationship ever? Surely your life experiences tell you that you know better than that.

[4truth]

Wow, that's a really tough one. A year ago I would have told you I was praying for you, but now I'll just send positive energy your way. Good luck!

[PandaPirate]

I have always questioned Christianity.

Have you done so in the presence of your fiance? If so, how did he react? The answer to this might help you decide which is the wisest path to take.

 

He never freaked out or anything. We used to have discussions about it and he would explain scripture to me very unemotionally. He was very logical in explaining it. I showed him this book called "The Occult Conspiracy" and he had an open mind and read it. But he rejected the ideas. He has always put up with my see saw behavior towards religion. But now that Christianity has saved his life (in his opinion) and put an end to his suffering in addiction, I don't think he will be so happy to find out I've deconverted.

 

I do know he would be willing to listen to my questions and discuss them openly.

[PandaPirate]

At this time in my life, my fiance (we've been together for three years) is away at a Christian drug and alcohol recovery program. He's been there almost three months and he's doing really well.

 

Stop right there. That means absolutely squat. How he behaves in a controlled environment is is NO WAY a reflection or prediction of behavior in the real world.

 

Saying a guy in a rehab facility is "doing really well" is like saying a child molester in prison is "doing really well" when parole time comes around. Of course he's doing well! There's no alcohol available at rehab like there's no children available in prison.

 

Expect him to fall off the wagon. Seriously. An attempt to change one's behavior is easy when away from one's regular life.

 

I'd rather wait until he's had a year or two of sobriety and stability behind him before I tell him the reasons I had for leaving the church.

 

So by then....likely you will be married to this guy, and your kid will be four. If you think telling him now would be difficult.....you really think it will be easier later? Is this your first relationship ever? Surely your life experiences tell you that you know better than that.

 

I'm well aware of addictive behavior. I have also been to treatment and am very familiar with the whole scenario. I am also very, very much aware that a person can relapse afterward. I know I did. I also realize that it's easy to stay sober when you're out in the middle of nowhere. That's what I keep telling his mother. That's why I've never gone back to treatment. I believe if a person can quit without the trappings of "meetings" and basically just becoming addicted to something else, then that is the better, stronger way to quit. I have quit on my own and it has been easier for me not feeling obligated to rely on a "higher power" to keep me sober.

[Kurari]

The others have given you some good advice. Don't wait years because he WILL figure it out before then.

 

When you do tell him, keep turning the conversation back on him. That you'll be there to support him, that you think it's wonderful he has something to motivate him, that you believe spirituality is a personal thing and you don't dis his beliefs, and so on. It will lessen the fire off of you initally.

 

But also don't back down, don't allow any guilt trips, and don't brook any embroachment, wheedling, or stepping on your own personal non-beliefs and such. Make sure he respects you.

 

Good luck. You're going to have many conversations about this with him, so let your heart guide you.

[PandaPirate]

The more I think about it, the more I believe it's going to be okay. He used to mildly tease me about making a tarot deck (I have been wanting to create one of my own for a few years now) and we have had very logical conversations about astrology and tarot cards and why he believes they aren't okay but he also listens to my point of view. I think he realizes that I have been confused for a while and I think he just wants me to be happy no matter what I believe.

 

I am not going to tell him right away. It is not fair to clear my conscience at his expense. I think I'll wait a month or two and see how the relationship is going before I take the leap.

[qadeshet]

Will pretending to believe help him in any way? Be honest.

[PandaPirate]

Sometimes you have to pick your battles.

 

If I have to be honest at someone elses expense...I'll pass. What he doesn't know won't hurt him and I will tell him after he's been home for a few weeks.

[Mongo]

Sometimes you have to pick your battles.

 

If I have to be honest at someone elses expense...I'll pass. What he doesn't know won't hurt him and I will tell him after he's been home for a few weeks.

 

Panda,

 

I can't help but think there is another reason why you are scared to tell him. Are you being honest with yourself?

 

I'm wondering whether he is vocal and aggressive and you are quiet and passive.

 

Are you secretly afraid of his reaction toward yourself rather than himself?

 

This can often be a tough question so take your time to answer and if not to us, then be true to yourself.

 

Mongo

[PandaPirate]

Well, I think you definitely don't know me. We are both aggressive and not afraid to speak our minds. Maybe I wasn't clear in the OP. The reason I don't want to tell him is because his sobriety is based on Christianity. If I make him begin to question his religion, he may begin to question what his sobriety is built on and I'm not wiling to take responsibility for that.

[SWIM]

Well, I think you definitely don't know me. We are both aggressive and not afraid to speak our minds. Maybe I wasn't clear in the OP. The reason I don't want to tell him is because his sobriety is based on Christianity. If I make him begin to question his religion, he may begin to question what his sobriety is built on and I'm not wiling to take responsibility for that.

 

 

My wife used to go to AA. They "preach" that you call upon "your own personal higher power" asserting that "we are powerless" against alcohol. This leaves it open to *any* religion. Perhaps knowing that might help you?

[PandaPirate]

LOL, I was in AA since 1986.

[PandaPirate]

He's not in a 12 step program. He's in a strictly CHRISTIAN based program. They don't allow you to take antidepressants, which I am on and that is why I never went there. I went to a basic treatment program last year and have stayed sober without AA because I don't want to be addicted to meetings or anything else.

[mwc]

Well, I think you definitely don't know me. We are both aggressive and not afraid to speak our minds. Maybe I wasn't clear in the OP. The reason I don't want to tell him is because his sobriety is based on Christianity. If I make him begin to question his religion, he may begin to question what his sobriety is built on and I'm not wiling to take responsibility for that.

Actually, you are afraid to speak your mind. That's why you're asking this very question. You are taking responsibility for things that aren't your responsibility as well (his sobriety).

 

But I can also understand why you may not want to "heap on" to someone. No point in doing that. I mean this may be, in a way, like having a bottle of scotch sitting on the table when he gets home. Why do that, right? But how long will you have to "hide the alcohol" so to speak? At some point he will have to be around his "demon." But, of course, I imagine you won't want to be the one to bring it into the house which is the respectful thing to do.

 

Since you're now tying religion to the addiction/recover process will you ever want to bring up the subject since it will be, in a way, like setting a bottle in front of him? There's always that chance, no matter how small, that your words will knock him off the wagon. And since you don't wish to take responsibility for that, well, you really have no choice but to remain silent forever.

 

At what point do you decide that he is "strong enough" to take this kind of message? How can you make that call? I get the feeling, perhaps wrongly, that you aren't so much afraid of knocking him off the wagon as you are of breaking up the little family unit you have (or even worse...it staying together with him not sober). I think there's a lot more riding on this sobriety than just his sobriety...but I've been wrong before.

 

mwc

[PandaPirate]

I think I really just have to wait and see how things go when he gets home. I mean, if he relapses, then I won't have to tell him anything...I'm just going to leave him. I need to see him sober in a real environment for at least a year before I marry him. So, we'll just wait and see what his attitude is like.