Twisted Fundy Hate But They Call It Love

[R. S. Martin]

I don't know if this will really help, Ruby, but I discovered this during my adoption process:

"Blood may seem to run thicker than water, but when it becomes tainted; by anything - there is allowance to invalidate blood's tie".

 

It's hard, figuring out that one's family is more harmful than helpful; and it's difficult, to make the decision to cut off all ties with ones' family - but it does not make anyone a bad person or a horrible, traitorous, family member to suddenly realize that the best thing for a person at times is to just leave.

 

I was the one who made my decision to completely leave my birth family for a time and become another family's child. If I hadn't, I would have turned out as stark raving mad as the rest of my family are (with 1 suicide, 3 cutters, 3 addicted to drugs & alcohol, all the boys being horribly violent, and 10 year old who thinks she'll grow up to be a boy - and those are just the siblings). If I hadn't left, who knows the type of person I would be. Would I be drug-addicted and making deep gashes all over my body just to "feel"? Would I be like my mother, claiming I see the dead, and trying to "help" people by reading their tarot cards and claiming to talk to their dead relatives? Or would I still be the exception; the one who left but comes back from time to time, hoping for some semblance of normalcy; and every time leaves again wishing more and more that I was switched with another child at birth, and these people that I call my family are not really my blood at all - but that there are decent, intelligent, and down-to-earth people out there, somewhere, who really do share my DNA.

 

It's hard at times, being the exception; but when the pain comes from being a member of a family that I feel (and I sense you seem to feel) I'll never fully fit in with, agree with, or be anything more than (underneath their smiles and faded memories of me) the one who left. Once we have the knowledge of what's in store for ourselves, material knowledge that seems to be so shallow to both our families; and dangerous when it keeps us locked away and submissive - we can never go back. And we shouldn't, to go back would be subvert the truth within ourselves. It's funny enough that the bible (Jn 8:32) made the claim: "The truth shall set you free"; because although that is interpreted as talking about the Christ and Salvation - both hateful fundy concepts - it is true, that when we figure out the truth for ourselves, we are free from the constraints that have brought us misery.

 

When blood turns their backs upon us, they have made that decision, and the decision by those betrayed to discontinue contact is not, and never will be wrong, disloyal, or dishonest. They dishonoured us with their hurtful words and actions, their shunning, and their abuse.

 

Rhia, this is very helpful. It is esp. helpful because it comes from one who has been through the ordeal and I know how you handled the religious mob that attacked you. I respect you.

 

When blood turns on you it's right to turn on blood.

 

That's what came to me as I read your post and I like it.

 

Thank you so much for sharing about yourself and your blood family. You stand out just as much from the others as I do. I used to ask what went wrong that I stand out so much; it goes against everything that the psych texts say. If I didn't resemble my sisters so much I could ask whether I got switched with someone else's baby but there's not much question on that front. I've searched my ancestors for someone from whom I might have inherited such a "wierd" personality. I don't know why I am me; I just am.

 

I don't know too much about the lives of my siblings these days but I know enough (things I heard last spring around the time of the funeral and before I cut ties) to know that not everyone is happy. I think some of my siblings may be who they really are inside but I also know of at least two who have consciously renounced values in order to fit in and be who they are supposed to be. I know one or two others who have emotional problems. They happen to live in the same house and they happen not to get along very well. But they stand shoulder to shoulder against me, or against anyone who sides with me. So far as I can see, it's a multi-generation thing that goes back at least as far as my grandmother's sibling rivalry. It's part of the very fabric of that particular neighbourhood where most of my siblings and Dad's side of the family live. That general overview is about as dysfunctional as the one you gave of your biological kin. It just so happens to be religious abuse instead of substance abuse, etc.

[R. S. Martin]

From IBF's signature:

 

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I think this is a very fitting line for this conversation. Families tend to come in large groups and sometimes they are fairly stupid.

 

This reminds me, Amethyst, you explained about attending family functions to be with your grandmother and other relatives you like. I'm happy for you that you have relatives that are worth going for.