Guest ex pastors kid Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 hey guys, anyone else out there get non-acceptance or judgement from their born again family? i was raised a pastors kid. i stopped going to church when we learned my dad had been having numerous affairs with women out of state and the church board found out about it. how, flash forward 20 years later. i left an unhappy marriage for my sake and for my 2 kids (2 boys aged 7 & 11). my ex is a good person but she wasn't good for me. my family does not like the fact that i've moved on (met the love of my life 6 mths after i left my ex) and and now living with her (1 yr after i left my ex). my boys are happy. at xmas dinner when my girlfriend met my brother he didn't even introduce himself, he walked right by her. my mother likes her but doesn't approve of us living together. my father told me he doesn't want any more grandkids (we plan to have a baby together). it makes me very angry. i love my family but i feel they only love me and accept me if i do what they feel is right. by they are close minded born agains and come across like "we're going to heaven, too bad you're not, but if you change your mind we'll treat you the same again". can anyone else out there relate? t Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 hey guys, anyone else out there get non-acceptance or judgement from their born again family? Yes, I can relate. It is one of the things that keeps me coming back to this site. I know that my parents will never accept the fact that I am not a christian. That's why I don't talk about it with them. No matter how well I may be doing, how much I may acheive in life, it doesn't matter to them, because I am "unsaved". I get the feeling that it would be more palatable to them if I were a homeless person or a criminal, so long as I profess Christ. Does it make me angry when I think about this? damn right! And they probably wonder why I only talk to them once a month and visit them only once a year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knitterman Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 hey guys, anyone else out there get non-acceptance or judgement from their born again family? * * * can anyone else out there relate? Yup... I got similar from my ex's family after the divorce and then after I came out. (Her family were the religious ones; my family didn't care for me anyway) And similar contempt from other religious folks. It was like I'm not even in the room. Such people are all lovey-dovey if they think they might catch a new convert, but if you leave the fold it's like you are a leper and they won't have anything to do with you. Your brother's behavior of just walking past and not even introducing himself is just inexcusably poor manners, BUT the good news is that whatever contempt such people extend, it is a reflection of them and their own poor state and not a commentary on the other, so you and the g/f don't need to take it personally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I Broke Free Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Sometimes the best we can hope for is to have our religious family members agree to not discuss faith and religious matters with us and learn to accept a somewhat satisfying yet shallow relationship with them. However in many (maybe even most) cases Christians do not feel obligated to this and feel compelled to “warn you†of the consequences of your non-belief. You are under no obligation to be civil when they do this. It will take some courage on your part, but it can be done. Read the link below and pay closer attention to the final posts were we discuss how to get people to take ownership for the vile crap they are saying to you. http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?showtopic=22362 Don’t forget that judgments and non-acceptance are in your toolbox too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 I find it likely that I am judged along many dimensions by many different people. I can only listen to so many voices. I can only bend so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DashBlades Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 I can, yet in a slightly different way. My family had been fundy to the point where they thought all rock music was the devil. I didn't rebel because it would've ripped my family apart. But I knew that I didn't believe those things like they did. And even now none of us are christian. Yet I am the most free of fundy of us all. I'm starting to think I'm going to have to slip back into the disorder in order to not be ridiculed. I'm 15, so I can't really "break free". But you can, so my advice to you would be; If your family doesn't approve of you, then you don't approve of them. Tell them how sick you think they are for being fundy. How much pain they're putting into their kids. Even if living with your Girlfriend WAS wrong, it's not even 1/4th as bad as being fundy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vendredie Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 I feel that way too, like whatever I'll do I'll never be "saved" in their eyes. A friend invited me to church, my mom caught wind of it and said I should go. She thinks that by going to just one youth group I'll be saved again. Eh, no. Not gonna happen. Sometimes I wonder if I was anything but an atheist if they would accept my beliefs. Like, if I actually turned Wiccan or something. But I don't believe in God. It doesn't help that occasionally she'll find some sort of devotional or teen Bible study thing and bring it home and try to get me to read it. I never do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godlessgrrl Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 My family's rejection of me has little to do with religion, but familial rejection sucks regardless of what excuse they give for why they do it. It was tremendously depressing to realize that my family would never accept me for who I am - but it was also tremendously liberating. If they aren't gonna approve of you no matter what you do, then you may as well do whatever the hell you want, and be whoever the hell you are - not for your family, but for yourself. That's what helps me sometimes, anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apostate called Jimmy Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Hell yeah I can relate. I pretty much avoid any and all conversations with my father. Somehow every conversation regardless of the topic ends up being about religion or politics. He hates liberals and thinks "liberalism is a mental disorder". No really, he truly believes that. This is the same guy who thinks that because apes still exist that we could not have possibly evolved from them. And don't even get him started on global warming. He thinks he knows better than the scientists and it's no use arguing with him. What hell do I know, right? I'm just a stupid, godless kid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShackledNoMore Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 You're not alone. I've been estranged for the last five years. The only two contacts I've had were some of my belongings shipped in boxes and the book "23 Minutes in Hell," unsigned, in a plain envelope. If this makes sense, given a parent that WOULD behave this way if you leave the church, it's better that they do. It was pretty bad while we were still in contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grandpa Harley Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 XPK, Not that my elder brother would ever be that graceless, but if Mycroft had behaved like that, I'd have torn him a new one, and informed parents that their attempts at teaching their first born manners had been a resounding failure, and since it's their house and their rules it shouldn't be down to me to make people 'play nice'... (strange to say that I had to play that card on behalf of my brother during one of our vanishingly rare family disputes...but that's dead sheep under the bridge) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trev Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 My family's rejection of me has little to do with religion, but familial rejection sucks regardless of what excuse they give for why they do it. It was tremendously depressing to realize that my family would never accept me for who I am - but it was also tremendously liberating. If they aren't gonna approve of you no matter what you do, then you may as well do whatever the hell you want, and be whoever the hell you are - not for your family, but for yourself. That's what helps me sometimes, anyway. Yes, that's just about me in a nutshell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ro-bear Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 my father told me he doesn't want any more grandkids (we plan to have a baby together). That is so fucked up. It is not his decision. What does he expect you to do? I'd say, "We're having a baby. You don't have to meet or acknowledge it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knitterman Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 my father told me he doesn't want any more grandkids (we plan to have a baby together). That is so fucked up. It is not his decision. What does he expect you to do? I'd say, "We're having a baby. You don't have to meet or acknowledge it." Isn't it funny how parents think they have a right to determine when and where and how their children get married, go to school, make babies (or in this case express a choice that they not make babies). But even against blatant ass-hole-itude like this, I think most grandparents soften when the little rugrats actually show up in real life not just abstract possibilities. Even if they are pissed at their kids, they don't usually hold resentment against the grands. Most. Mine were the exception to this. My father spent an entire 6 or 7 hour big-family everyone-come-on Family Thanksgiving Dinner, plus an additional 2-hour car ride (I drove him home) and not once acknowledged or spoken to any of his four grandchildren within arm's reach of him. It was totally weird and bizarre, because my kids would see and hear him talking to everyone else, but if they asked him something he would stare straight ahead like they did not exist. Very weird, and hurtful to the kids. It wasn't a religious issue, he was just an asshole all the way around (he strongly disliked me), so it doesn't fit this discussion, except that he is the extreme EXCEPTION to the notion that grandparents do soften up when presented with a cute little bundle. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 My family has always treated me differently, but I think that's more due to the fact that I am a geek. I'm a closeted atheist around them except for my parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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