Former Pastor's "anti-testimony"

[LtJayson]

The stories in the Bible were my main aspect of life. I spent years studying it and made it my roadmap so to speak. At the age of 10 I "accepted Jesus" and was told that I would probably follow in my great grandfather's footsteps and become a wonderful man of god! At the age of 13 through a serious of coincidental events, I decided that god was calling me to become a preacher. At that time, I was in the Nazarene church and decided that I would become a Nazarene Pastor just like the one that I knew and loved.

 

I searched for ways to preach and at the age of 16, I started preaching at a little Pentecostal church in South Carolina where my family decided to move to for a "new start." The church was next door and it seemed like a nice place. I started preaching and soon, began work to become licensed through them. It did not work out that way, but I found a "wonderful man of god" who volunteered to train me and teach me. I soon received my license to train under him and was an official "REV!" woo hoo! Not long after that, the wonderful man of god molested me. Some great and powerful god I served. Still, I trucked on. Of course, this travesty was just another step in the lord preparing me to help others right?

 

In college, I was working to become a Spanish teacher, but due to some health problems, I could not attend classes often...so, I started work on a Distance Learning program from a Pentecostal seminary in St. Louis. They sent me my stuff and I plugged away...long story short, I earned my AA in Pastoral Counseling, my BA in Pastoral Ministries with a double major in Christian Education and my M.Ed in Christian Education for higher learning. (in the midst of this, I married my HS sweetheart whom I met online in a Christian Chatroom go figure). About two years ago, I finished my Doctor of Theology degree from another school.

 

I began preaching in various different churches. I held roles from Associate and Youth Pastor to General Overseer of over 500 churches and 1000 ministers and their training. I wrote books, taught in colleges, etc...my life was the church.

 

Then, as I returned to my home town and church, I began preaching and working with the youth. (Teenagers are such wonderful people - society needs to give them more time than it does). I began teaching a slightly different way than I had. Not condeming these youths, but instead helping them with their problems. The church did not like the fact that I was not preaching nazarene doctrine and concocted this story about imbeselment. I didn't take anything (why would I take something from a god that I at the time adored?) They also said that the kids hated me and wanted me out of there. First of all, they did not. To this day, my kids come up to me at the mall or a fast food place and hug me and tell me that they miss me. Secondly, I have documented proof from key members stating that it was a ploy to remove me for their "political" gains.

 

After that, I stopped going to church. Started researching more, and realized that I was wrong! *GASP* I was wrong? The man of god who knew it all was wrong? No way! Yup, I was wrong for sure!

 

Anyway, that is where I am now. I don't know what I believe fully now, and I don't understand my feelings...but I do understand that I am free from the political hold that the religion had on me. Thanks for this great site! Bye!

[Guest Freepagan]

LtJayson, Welcome!

 

I encourage you to ask even harder questions about christianity, especially concerning the history of the religion. You'll find a treasure of information on this website that will help you along.

[cm_christ]

welcome to the boards, i hope your time here is profitable :>

[Mongo]

I wrote books, taught in colleges, etc...my life was the church.

 

Welcome!

 

I know of someone who writes liturgy and such for her brand of church. I don't think she made much money. Was that the kind of writing you did?

 

Mongo

[elana]

Hello LtJayson! Welcome to the freeing of your mind & spirit. Here you will not find the 'boxes' that the X-tian church places on our brains. You will find that it is all right to think.

 

elana

[hereticzero]

I can relate to your post. I used to be a nondenominational minister and helped plant churches, some underground, and drum up money for the persecuted churches. I went to seminars by Brother Andrew and Voice of the Martyrs. I became very disillusioned with the perception of these organizations when I heard some of the stories about Brother Andrew and his bible smuggling were not true and I once wrote an e-mail to VOM and asked if christians were persecuted in the US and I got a nice reply that said 'no, they were only inconvenienced' in the US. At what lengths will christians go to lie and exaggerate the plight of other christians in order to get a dollar out of someone to run their ministry? How much are christians willing to ignore the plight of other christians in the US who are persecuted for whatever purpose? It is the notion that christianity is so subversive to the propaganda mongering of the government to ignore another christian because it is bad for business in the US. This makes me sick and another reason I left xtianity--the hypocrisy is nauseating. How can christians back laws that deny anyone the right to feed another human being? In some cities it is unlawful to give food to a homeless person in a city park or near a museum because they are embarrassed to have the poor in their cities. One nation under god is where no one is hungry or poor by god!

 

I believe it was funk-master George Clinton that said, 'Free your mind and your ass will follow,' when he was asked how to dance to his music. That is the way of deconverting, free your mind and your ass will follow. We dance here daily. Free your mind and the rest of you is liberated as well. Glad to have you here.

[FriedVillageGuts]

LtJayson,

 

Nice to see yet another former pastor come out of the woodwork. I too was fired by the church and the experience spurred my deconversion but it sounds like your departure was particularly rough. If you're anything like me, you'll be dealing with anger for years to come. I hope you have some good people around you who can be a support. I wish you well!

[LtJayson]

Luckily, my BEST friend for many years and her husband went through the same thing a few years back. They have been more than helpful...they have been a healing hand for me. Sadly, my family and my wife won't be as supportive. In fact, my wife is "waiting to see" how I am without being a Christian (she was also raised in the nazarene church). If I don't meet her standards, she already told me that she will leave me since it was the "godly man" that she met that caused her to want to marry me...so, while the freedom comes from not having to deal with the religiosity, I have to deal with the possibility of a broken marriage...which actually flies in the face of everything scripturally written except for the be ye not yoked together with unbelievers...but, unbelieving in a marriage is not cause for divorce according to Jesus...so, confusing again haha! I just don't talk about it at all...and she tries to subtly "save" me :-) That's why I came here...to find people who can help me through this.

[alpha centauri]

Jayson, that's some pretty rough garbage you've been through and are still dealing with. I commend you for your honesty and integrity. How ironic that the people of the church sandbagged you, and they were the ones who were doing you wrong.

 

No surprise there, unfortunately.

 

I'm not a former pastor, but I was considering seminary. I believed the Bible was the inerrant word of god, and that humanity was a miserable, worthless creation without god's presence. I sang in the church choir and in small groups, I wrote sermons and scores of praise and worship songs.

 

I tried hard to convince myself it was all true, but there were always nagging doubts. It was like forcing myself to believe in the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy, in spite of all the evidence.

 

But an in-depth study of the Bible was the straw that broke the camel's back. I started going to a Southern Baptist church that I had previously attended as a teen. In a Sunday school class, we used the Kay Arthur method of "inductive" Bible study. Which basically means interpreting the Bible very literally and seeing how it applies to the world today. My class was studying Numbers and Deuteronomy, and it was pretty harsh, but like an abuse victim, I'd try to rationalize and excuse all the violence, discrimination and inexcusable acts of this almighty god.

 

But my faith was shaken. I went back to the Methodist church to decompress, but even that was too much. I finally had to walk away, and come to terms with the fact that the Bible and Christianity are bogus, and have done more harm than good. And even the "good" done by churches and Christian relief groups comes with strings attached.

 

***

 

Sorry for such a long post. Just wanted you to know you're definitely not alone.

 

I wish you all the best in what you're dealing with. My wife is also still a Christian, and while she's a liberal Christian who never went as far overboard as I did, it's still tough to deal with sometimes. I can see why there's such a strain for you and your wife. It would be so much easier to be with someone who has also rejected the lies of Christianity, and you wonder why they just can't see it. But for those who have built their lives around a belief, they often cling to it with ever fiber of their being unless something happens to make them question.

 

And my parents and sisters are all still immeresed in the Southern Baptist culture. They look down on my wife's Methodist beliefs as lukewarm and compromised. Imagine how they'd look upon someone who has rejected Christianity entirely!

 

—Alpha Centauri

[Legion]

Hey again LtJayson. Thanks for the testimony. I'm glad that you've found your way to us. Kick back, relax, enjoy yourself. And welcome.

[R. S. Martin]

Luckily, my BEST friend for many years and her husband went through the same thing a few years back. They have been more than helpful...they have been a healing hand for me. Sadly, my family and my wife won't be as supportive. In fact, my wife is "waiting to see" how I am without being a Christian (she was also raised in the nazarene church). If I don't meet her standards, she already told me that she will leave me since it was the "godly man" that she met that caused her to want to marry me...so, while the freedom comes from not having to deal with the religiosity, I have to deal with the possibility of a broken marriage...which actually flies in the face of everything scripturally written except for the be ye not yoked together with unbelievers...but, unbelieving in a marriage is not cause for divorce according to Jesus...so, confusing again haha! I just don't talk about it at all...and she tries to subtly "save" me :-) That's why I came here...to find people who can help me through this.

 

My heart pains for you. Having to measure up to the standards of a Christian. You're set up to fail from the beginning. Unless she happens to have real emotional love for you and this is just a bluff.

 

It's so nastily unfair how the Christians drive us away and then accuse us of being too haughty and high-minded for their company.

 

They profess so much love but demonstrate so much hate. They profess so much forebearance and practice so much intolerance. If we can't stand them using the word god, blessing us, and praying for us, then it's evidence of our corrupt conscience. If they accuse us of blasphemy when we unwittingly say something that implies disagreement with their faith (even when we're not even thinking about it) it is justly earned and they are rightfully indignant.

 

I know this is a very highly personal matter, so please forgive me if I overstep my limits, but my suggestion would be that if there are no children in the marriage yet not to have any untill this thing is definitely settled. Too many very serious problems when childen are involved. But, as stated, this is a very personal matter for you and your wife to decide.

 

All the best.

[Internet Jesus]

Luckily, my BEST friend for many years and her husband went through the same thing a few years back. They have been more than helpful...they have been a healing hand for me. Sadly, my family and my wife won't be as supportive. In fact, my wife is "waiting to see" how I am without being a Christian (she was also raised in the nazarene church). If I don't meet her standards, she already told me that she will leave me since it was the "godly man" that she met that caused her to want to marry me...so, while the freedom comes from not having to deal with the religiosity, I have to deal with the possibility of a broken marriage...which actually flies in the face of everything scripturally written except for the be ye not yoked together with unbelievers...but, unbelieving in a marriage is not cause for divorce according to Jesus...so, confusing again haha! I just don't talk about it at all...and she tries to subtly "save" me :-) That's why I came here...to find people who can help me through this.

 

I love you man.

[alpha centauri]

My heart pains for you. Having to measure up to the standards of a Christian. You're set up to fail from the beginning. Unless she happens to have real emotional love for you and this is just a bluff.

 

It's so nastily unfair how the Christians drive us away and then accuse us of being too haughty and high-minded for their company.

 

They profess so much love but demonstrate so much hate. They profess so much forebearance and practice so much intolerance. If we can't stand them using the word god, blessing us, and praying for us, then it's evidence of our corrupt conscience. If they accuse us of blasphemy when we unwittingly say something that implies disagreement with their faith (even when we're not even thinking about it) it is justly earned and they are rightfully indignant.

 

You hit the nail on the heard, RubySera. I'm experiencing some of those things firsthand myself. So far, the best way to handle things has been to avoid the subject as much as possible, but how long can that last?

 

And I can imagine the giant crapstorm that will erupt once my parents and sisters learn of my apostasy. You'd think a 40-year-old man like myself wouldn't have to worry about such things. But I'm sure such family fractures are all too common. After all, Jesus himself said he came not to bring peace but a sword and to divide families against each other. (Matthew 10:34-36). So much for family values, huh? Prince of Peace? Not so much.

[Deva]

So far, the best way to handle things has been to avoid the subject as much as possible, but how long can that last?

 

And I can imagine the giant crapstorm that will erupt once my parents and sisters learn of my apostasy. You'd think a 40-year-old man like myself wouldn't have to worry about such things. But I'm sure such family fractures are all too common. After all, Jesus himself said he came not to bring peace but a sword and to divide families against each other. (Matthew 10:34-36). So much for family values, huh? Prince of Peace? Not so much.

 

Hey Centauri. I am nearly 50 and I don't dare bring up the subject of religion with my Baptist fundy parents. I know i have to keep quiet to keep the peace. There is no room in their religion for differences. It is Jesus is the only Way and everything else is of the devil. I am always going to be the "unsaved" family member that is going to be prayed for. Even switching to a liberal Christian denomination wasn't good enough for them. Now I am just making up my mind that figuratively to hell with them, they will never change, they will never accept me, and I am going to live my own life.

 

Welcome to Ex-Christian Ltjayson.

[par4dcourse]

Welcome LtJayson. You'll find a wealth of info here. Unlike xtian circles, thinking is openly encouraged here, although some of us do less than others. *glances in mirror*

Jobs, relationships, community, all of us have to throttle back a bit for some reason(s). It's just a matter of finding where your personal balance is.

Good Luck

 

--Larry

[Marke]

Welcome LT, I know the more "vested" you are the harder the break is. I wish you the best of luck with your new life and I hope everything works out with you and the wife.

[mahjong]

Does your wife have a real live beating heart? Or has she turned to stone? Goffabid she leaves you in this time of crisis. I hope you have a genuine love between you so that you both can ride this particular wave together. Perhaps your wife has no idea of how painful a divorce is. Why would she want to do that to your family if there is love between you? Divorce is hell. I am staying with my way less than perfect second husband because I already went through a divorce. If my first husband had a heart we might still be together.

 

Your marriage vows, I'm sure, are still relevant. Maybe your wife needs to remember that she married you for better or worse.

 

I'm glad you found this site and hope you receive lots of moral support. MJ

[alpha centauri]

So far, the best way to handle things has been to avoid the subject as much as possible, but how long can that last?

 

And I can imagine the giant crapstorm that will erupt once my parents and sisters learn of my apostasy. You'd think a 40-year-old man like myself wouldn't have to worry about such things. But I'm sure such family fractures are all too common. After all, Jesus himself said he came not to bring peace but a sword and to divide families against each other. (Matthew 10:34-36). So much for family values, huh? Prince of Peace? Not so much.

 

Hey Centauri. I am nearly 50 and I don't dare bring up the subject of religion with my Baptist fundy parents. I know i have to keep quiet to keep the peace. There is no room in their religion for differences. It is Jesus is the only Way and everything else is of the devil. I am always going to be the "unsaved" family member that is going to be prayed for. Even switching to a liberal Christian denomination wasn't good enough for them. Now I am just making up my mind that figuratively to hell with them, they will never change, they will never accept me, and I am going to live my own life.

 

Welcome to Ex-Christian Ltjayson.

 

Deva, sounds like our situations are pretty similar. My parents about flipped when they found out I was leaving their Southern Baptist church to attend my wife's Methodist church (my wife refused to attend a Baptist church). Now I don't go to church at all. Why subject yourself to something you disagree with and don't believe in?

 

The last time the subject of church came up was Easter. My parents asked if I attended services that morning. I told them no, that I was burned out after so much church and meetings several nights a week, and was tired of it. Surprisingly, they let the subject drop. They may not have wanted to cause a scene in front of my 4-year-old niece. They sure as heck wouldn't mind causing a scene in front of my 16-year-old and nearly 13-year-old kids.

[LtJayson]

Thanks to all for the kind welcome and care in the situation I am going through! I already feel at home! :-D

[LtJayson]

Hi everyone...I just had a very "healing" experience last night that I wanted to add to this...I must say it gives me SOME hope that SOMEONE is behind me in my family other than the friends that I treasure so dearly!

 

I went to visit my mother and her boyfriend last night at their house. My wife stayed home, and I spent a good two hours out talking to my Mom while her boyfriend sat on the porch and let us have some mother/son time. I wasn't going to tell her anything, but she mentioned that she noticed that my marriage was a little "on the rocks" and wanted to know why and how she could help.

 

I just started the whole thing out by telling her point blank that I don't believe anymore...and that I wouldn't get in to the reasons, because it is not for me to try to shape her thought process, etc. She freaked out at first, but after a little bit, she told me that since I am an adult, I can make my own decisions and she respects that and will do whatever she can to be there for me and help me during this time. It was by far the most meaningful conversation that I have ever had with my mother. She really understood me, listened to me and cared what I had to say. It was awesome!

 

Just thought that I would add the sliver lining to my previous bleak posts :-)

[alpha centauri]

WOW, that is neat Jayson! How surprised were you by that?

 

Keep standing strong. I'm sure that dose of understanding/encouragement from your mom went a long way toward some emotional healing.

 

Thanks for keeping us posted!

 

— Alpha Centauri

[Knitterman]

Welcome, LtJayson.

 

I didn't grow up in church, but got "saved" in 1971, was ordained a Pentecostal minister in 74, got divorced in 83, and that pretty much ended my ministerial 'career'. I've written various details in other posts here and there on these boards.

 

The details of everyone's story are different, of course, but similarities abound. Just be comforted in knowing there are a BUNCH of former-ministers here who can relate to your situation.

 

As for your wife/marriage, as someone else mentioned, the vows usually include "for better or for worse" -- the good times and the times of testing each other. Your wife fell in love with the PERSON you are -- maybe the way you stand up for your convictions, or the way you treat her, or some other thing. Those things haven't changed, and she will come to realize that (hopefully). If you have a good line of communication, share with her your concerns and why your views are changing, but mostly let her see that you are still the same you she married, even if your thoughts and beliefs are changing.

 

Hang in there, and feel free to vent here.

[R. S. Martin]

Jayson, no need to apologize for the "bleak" posts--that is what these forums are for. But it is also a joy to read of such wonderful experiences no matter to whom they occur. And in time of such bitter trial they are especially meaningful. Thank you for sharing it.

[Manditag in AK]

Hi, I am sorry for the problems with your wife, my husband and I could have ended up somewhere similar if I hadn't deconverted too. ( 1 week after I fully commited myself to christianity again, he decided to declare his atheism! )

I know there's the 'don't be unequally yoked' verse, but there's also the 'the believing spouse sanctifies the unbelieving one' verse. So you could bring that up if you think it might help...and if I'm not being too pushy or assuming.

[gabby]

Thanks for posting Lt...sounds like you are on a new path and I really hope that things will work themselves out for you eventually. Your mom sounds supportive and I'm glad that she is willing to listen. I have found out over the past year how hard it can be to come out as an ex-c to family and friends but I have also found that once the initial shock wears off most of them have been happy to put the past in the past and start over with me. I sincerely hope that over time your wife will be less resistant to your searching.

She may just be afraid of the whole "unequally yoked" thing. I was terrified to marry a non-believer but I later realized that real love can trump any pre-set notion or belief. I was very resistant at first but over time I realized that I was focused more on a god that I couldn't see rather than my hubby who is with me in the flesh everyday. I don't know if this helps (if you had a religious wedding it may not) but I have a copy of my vows on the computer and sometimes when I am feeling stressed or depressed I read them and remind myself that I committed to my husband and not to god. Each marriage is different, so it's a very personal issue and I thank you for sharing your story with us.