How Many Times Did It Take You To Leave?

[gradstu09]

In reading testimonies and other posts, it seems lots of people quit christianity like you quit smoking--only after several attempts. How many times did it take you? I admit, after I stopped going to mass, I never really went back. I never contacted a priest or asked for spiritual help or anything. I struggled on my own for some months about the specifics of doctrine (and still struggle with guilt) but never thought to go back into a church to 'try again'. Now I am wondering if this was unusual.

[Mike D]

I left the first time, but it wasn't really like I just "up and left" it was more of a slow unwinding process, which took about a year from start to finish. It was like a house of cards and with each passing day having another card pulled out from the bottom, until a day came when I just realized I no longer believed - and that was the day the remaining cards fell flat. And that was the end of a lifetime of christianity and god belief for me. I would never consider going back because there's nothing for me to go back to.

[MonolithTMA]

It's only been a couple of months, but I've never looked back and I doubt I ever will. I do not believe in any aspect of the purported foundation of Christianity anymore and thus see no reason to return. I still have Christian friends and family and I still may attend church on occasion, though I haven't yet. I would go if I was asked, but only for the social aspect. I do still like the church I most recently attended and I still read the pastor's blog and I have a lot of respect for him.

[SWIM]

My belief was dim to start with, when I stuck the knife in and twisted it, it was dead forever.

[Taphophilia]

I left the first time, but it wasn't really like I just "up and left" it was more of a slow unwinding process, which took about a year from start to finish. It was like a house of cards and with each passing day having another card pulled out from the bottom, until a day came when I just realized I no longer believed - and that was the day the remaining cards fell flat. And that was the end of a lifetime of christianity and god belief for me. I would never consider going back because there's nothing for me to go back to.

 

This is how it was for me too. I remember the exact moment that I realized I was no longer a Christian. I was watching an interview with Marilyn Manson talking about Christianity and I agreed with everything he said. After, I sat there thinking, "Fuck, I'm not a Christian anymore."

[par4dcourse]

I've posted this before, so forgive me for repeating myself. I was forced as a child to attend COG. I vowed to my parents and anyone else who would listen that upon my 18th birthday, I would never set foot in a COG again. I broke that vow only once, for a funeral. I looked at other xtians religions, then at Buddhism and spirituality and new age, and finally said to hell with all of it. I was a closet atheist for years before "coming out."

Never had the urge to return to xtian beliefs though. More like quitting pacifier use than smoking (I did both.)

[Ouroboros]

How many times to leave? 1 (one)

 

I was doubting many times, but I never left my belief until just that once, and after that I can't believe again.

[LtJayson]

For me, it was a progress...

 

1. Started having doubts

2. Started seeing the problems

3. Left the Typical Church Scene for the Home Church Scene

4. Left Churches Altogether

5. Left Christianity

6. Stopped believing completely

[Thunder 34]

Well in Novemeber of 2006 I became an exchristian, for a day and came back a day later. I dont really count this as me leaving though because of a bunch of reasons which I wont list, and no it aint just because I left for a day. But I think it was either March or April of 2007 (I forget. It wasnt overnight it was a slow unwinding. But one day I realized "I aint christian.") I thought about going back a bunch of times but I only did once in around June or July. For a day. lol.

[mentalhh]

The first time really. It was a long process however. It wasn't like I was uber christian one day and the next I said "Fuck this" or anything. It was a process that involved me learning more about science and my own views of morality- the latter I realised didn't fit with the violence and bloodlust of the God in the OT (and NT)...

 

I EVENTUALLY realised it was bull, and even if it had been true, I couldn't follow such a person anymore. They disgusted and terrified me.

[ShackledNoMore]

One time and one time only. Although I have an "official" deconversion date, the process itself was gradual over several years. I never looked back.

[HadouKen24]

Only once for me, as well, but it, too, was a long, drawn out process. My faith crumbled away over a period of two years, as I went from hardcore Presbyterianism, to moderate liberal Christianity, to a heretical universalism combined with old Christian mysticism, and finally to not even that. It was especially hard because this whole process was under my parents' roof, from age 16 to 18. I had constant reminders of what I was giving up and leaving. The environment was stifling.

 

It took a full year after I had deconverted to work the kinks out and rid myself of the Christian instincts ingrained in me by my parents since birth. It was another year after that until I could comfortably talk about the subject with friends without any pain.

[Vomit Comet]

I'd say that my experience was very similar to Mike D's.

 

Except when it came down to the moment of biting the bullet and deconverting. It was hellish for me, like detoxing off of heroin except dragged out for the better part of a month.

[Evelyn]

I was raised a fundie. I "wandered away from God" in my mid-20s and then came back when my husband became an xian as I didn't want to be left behind! After a few years of being a fundie, I didn't care for it and joined the Episcopal church. 10 years later, I got interested in Buddhism but felt conflicted as I believed that xians were not supposed to look at other religions. After a couple of months, I got tired of the conflict and said to myself, I don't care, I'm going ahead with my spiritual journey. A day or two later, I said to myself, "I'm not an xian. I don't believe that stuff any more." This was in November of 2004. I went through a withdrawal process for a few months as my world view suddenly completely changed. And there are times, even now, when xian songs will go through my head all day, ugh.

 

All I did with Buddhism was read a book about it. I seem to have settled into atheism. Sometimes I feel a bit shaky and worried that I'll be drawn back to xianity, though, deep down, I really feel and think that it is BS.

[Crazycatlady]

The short answer is once.

 

The long answer is considerably more complicated than that, naturally. It was a gradual process which for a long time I refused to acknowledge was even taking place. The day I finally accepted my conclusions was the day I left. That afternoon I sobbed for my lost naivety. That night I did not say my prayers before bed. I actually continued attending mass for a few months after that -- I was getting free voice lessons by being in the choir. I finally had to leave a couple months later because it was causing me too much emotional pain -- the voice lessons weren't free anymore, so to speak. I still have to attend mass with my family over summer and winter breaks, but I think of it as one of those little annoying family traditions, not a religious thing.

[Guest GlitterSno]

I started off with doubt, then started to read more bible. Ultimately, the bible drove me away from the bible. Could I go back? Maybe for a rummage sale?

I never returned, have no desire to return. I have been religion free now for 4 years. Once you REALLY see the truth for what it is, it is impossible to return and accept a lie.

[Mongo]

Depends on how you look at it.

 

I was stuck in the emotional rollercoaster of Pentecostalism. Each peak fueled a "This time its different" mentality and each of the valleys challenged my faith.

 

Toward the end, when I'd go through the valley I'd ask god to give me his strength. I believed "Seek and ye shall find" and well... I still consider that to be a truism but not one from god because if god were real, he would have answered my prayers to make me his faithful servant/believer/child.

 

In the end, a lack of answer to that prayer confirmed that:

- there is no god because

- all changes to who I am come from *me*

- there is much more help in living a better life or being a better person to be found in secular sources

 

If a relationship with Jesus doesn't make you a better person, then it is utterly bogus.

 

So what happened is that toward the end I would pray, "Show me that you exist and that you are real".

To which I'd hear, "".

 

I deconverted in private while going to church. My two main friends (social oddballs) were generally accepting of other people as I was of them but I never disclosed my faith crisis to them.

 

I had been living in a teeny community that I'd moved to for career reasons and when a transfer to Ottawa came up, I took it and immediately dropped any remaining religious identity.

 

After that, I found it very hard to achieve a sence of 'integration' with the *real* world or a sense that I was just the same as everyone else. That was really really tough.

 

As an example, it was very difficult for me to go to a dance club and feel comfortable. Circumstances (work or other) that led to a dancing situation were frightening as I thought that my clumsiness (from lack of experience in the Pentecostal world), would be obvious and people would look at me funny and wonder what rock I'd cawled out from under.

 

Another example, I'd once taken out a personal ad and got a few good responses but was too frightened to follow up.

 

I could go on with some **really** embarassing examples of social clumsiness but in the end I persisted and kept trying and for those of you who face such a dilemma... keep trying. You WILL make embarassing mistakes. Keep going!! Keep going!! Keep going!! Keep going!! Look forward, don't look back!

 

Mongo

[Kei]

In reading testimonies and other posts, it seems lots of people quit christianity like you quit smoking--only after several attempts. How many times did it take you? I admit, after I stopped going to mass, I never really went back. I never contacted a priest or asked for spiritual help or anything. I struggled on my own for some months about the specifics of doctrine (and still struggle with guilt) but never thought to go back into a church to 'try again'. Now I am wondering if this was unusual.

i thought about it loooong and hard. and once i made my decision to leave, i did it and after four years have never once considered going back.

 

although i am the only ex christian i know who hasn't considered going back after leaving. so maybe it is a bit unusual, but i think it's just cause i thought about it longer before deciding to leave.

[Jubilant]

Well, technically, twice? But like others, it was a long and drawn out process. I remember my deconversion date too: A week before Easter 2005. I had just finished up at the table asking our children who they wanted to live with, me or their father. My husband with teary-eyes said, "Sandy, I love you but if you have to leave then I will let you go." Our children were bawling and wanted to go with me because they were worried about going to hell. My husband was a Christian but was not "serious" enough for me and I was worried sick that our children would not be serious for God and risked going to hell. Anyway, I walked back here (to our bedroom), opened the Bible to Jesus talking about "If you want to be my disciple you must HATE...." It was then and there that I literally said a hearty, "FUCK YOU God and Jesus, I choose my family" and I have never looked back.

 

I had studied my way out of the hell doctrine before that BUT when two "friends" asked me to come to their home to discuss why I no longer believed they ambushed me with a Bible scholar and I was scared all over again. Suffering eternal torment was what made me temporarily rethink my Jesus belief again because I feared for my children and I went back to temporary insanity, though it was short-lived....only a few hours the day after the ambush was I at the table with my husband and our children discussing the first paragraph.

[bush country]

How many times to leave? 1 (one)

 

I was doubting many times, but I never left my belief until just that once, and after that I can't believe again.

 

Same here. The doubting part took a long time with about a 15 year gap of not thinking about it.

 

<snip> And there are times, even now, when xian songs will go through my head all day, ugh.

 

I get the xian songs stuck in my head when I'm running. Usually I can drive them out by calling up some Stevie Ray Vaughn or something.

 

Toward the end, when I'd go through the valley I'd ask god to give me his strength. I believed "Seek and ye shall find" and well... I still consider that to be a truism but not one from god because if god were real, he would have answered my prayers to make me his faithful servant/believer/child.

 

In the end, a lack of answer to that prayer confirmed that:

- there is no god because

- all changes to who I am come from *me*

- there is much more help in living a better life or being a better person to be found in secular sources

 

If a relationship with Jesus doesn't make you a better person, then it is utterly bogus.

 

So what happened is that toward the end I would pray, "Show me that you exist and that you are real".

To which I'd hear, "".

 

I got exactly the same answer to the "Show me that you exist" prayer.

 

I was a christian for 41 years. In the 5 years prior to deconverting I sought god more than at any other time. It was this seeking and expectation of a Real Relationship^TM that led me to deconvert. That happened exactly once, on June 1, 2007.

[smellincoffee]

For me it was a slow, gradual, painful dying to all faith/hope in religion/god. After a few years, I was so weary of everything I swore off. I said I was going to enjoy my life and help other people.

[Vomit Comet]

I get the xian songs stuck in my head when I'm running. Usually I can drive them out by calling up some Stevie Ray Vaughn or something.

 

SRV?

 

What about Slayer?

 

/insert flaming devil emoticon here.

[Vomit Comet]

Well, right around the year 2001 I was sitting in a criminology class, and I literally came within seconds of declaring myself an agnostic. But the one thing that held me back was my alleged experiences with demons. The moment I re-declared my belief, I felt this sort of "pat on my back" from an invisible presence, and I figured it was God congradulating me for passing that test.

 

For the next several years, my alleged experiences with demons (we're talking scary Clive Barker type shit here; yes, I do/did have a long history of mental illness) were the one thing that kept me from saying "fuck it."

 

Well, flash-forward to one year ago. I ruined a relationship with a non-Christian girl who was in love with me (and I with her) because I was too scared the demons would hurt her if I kept being with her, and especially if I had sex with her. Well, several months later a ladyfriend came along and fucked me, even after I told her all that shit. She wasn't scared. She took my virginity and taught me how to fuck. Well, then my current girlfriend announced she wanted to be with me, and I said "yes." We started having sex. Well, a few months later I swore that the old bullshit wouldn't fuck things up like before. I had been agonizing for quite some time, especially after moving to Las Vegas and getting away from my old church crowd. (I tried a few different churches around here but they all ended up sucking, and I just couldn't meet any women, either. Except for ones that wanted nothing to do with me.) Well, I decided to shit rather than just sitting on the pot. It was the scariest month or two of my entire life, but I did it.

 

Regarding the demons. My experiences were so real and freaky, as well as those of others who were deeply connected to me, that to this day I fret as to whether it was real. Was it really just me hallucinating? (How do you explain two people seeing the same goddamn thing at once!? And other things. I'll elaborate some day.) Were they "evil spirits" as opposed to Biblical demons? Malevolent ghosts? Space aliens? Shit... I really don't want to think about it so much. It's too fuckin' much. Although I gotta say, it stopped completely when I deconverted. Which means one of two things: 1) they are "victorious" over me and no longer have to go out of their way to fuck with me because their job is done; 2) it really was all in my head (I fucking hope it was!!!).

[xequar]

It took me a couple of tries to get out. At one point in 2004, my life had pretty much gone into meltdown, and I began to suspect that there was no god. But, the fear of hell combined with me looking for anything to help my depression drove me back to the church.

 

After that point, though, I began to notice the flaws, and I began to read my bible and look more critically at Xianity, and the more I read, the weaker the chains holding me to church became. Finally last year when I saw the reaction of my pastor when I told him that I'm gay, I left for good.

[MonolithTMA]

Regarding the demons. My experiences were so real and freaky, as well as those of others who were deeply connected to me, that to this day I fret as to whether it was real. Was it really just me hallucinating? (How do you explain two people seeing the same goddamn thing at once!? And other things. I'll elaborate some day.) Were they "evil spirits" as opposed to Biblical demons? Malevolent ghosts? Space aliens? Shit... I really don't want to think about it so much. It's too fuckin' much. Although I gotta say, it stopped completely when I deconverted. Which means one of two things: 1) they are "victorious" over me and no longer have to go out of their way to fuck with me because their job is done; 2) it really was all in my head (I fucking hope it was!!!).

 

I never experienced anything that one could really call demonic activity. My friends and I used to be totally into listening to Bob Larson and reading Frank Peretti's books. We believed in spiritual warfare and everyone swore they could feel the demons attacking us. I knew a group once that cast demons out of a VCR that wouldn't play a Christian video they wanted to play.