I'm Going To Get Sucked Back Into The Delusion

[dB-Paradox]

Tonight, I removed all fb friends who were atheists to reconcile with my wife and prove to her she's number one in my life. My wife is a strong fundie and is very upset that I've 'chosen' atheism. I firmly believe in family, and when push comes to shove, I'll gladly choose my wife, even if it means doing stupid things to please her. I'll probably make this place my main source for freedom from religion, but how in the world am I going to comply with my wife and NOT get sucked back in? I can just see myself going mad all over again!!!

[Vigile]

Dunno. Once the questions are off the shelf it's pretty hard to put them back. Perhaps you can do it but you probably should avoid learning anything as it just makes the delusions that much more difficult to shed.

 

I guess I can understand your dilemma, but it doesn't seem exactly balanced that you are the one forced to suck it up and that you are bending entirely for her. Only you can decide if you can live with that. I couldn't.

[Vixentrox]

So, lying to your wife is preferable?

[Dhampir]

If maintaining the status quo is that important, then the question should be, how can you do it AND live with yourself? That seems to be the main issue-- but I understand if you don't feel like you have any other options. You're going to get sucked back in, sure. Since rocking the boat is out of the question, then trying to make it is tolerable as possible looks like your best bet. I wish I could help with that, but best of luck there.

[buffettphan]

Tonight, I removed all fb friends who were atheists to reconcile with my wife and prove to her she's number one in my life

 

The question now is:

Are YOU (not god) number one in her life? Somehow, I kinda doubt it. Does she expect you to re-convert or pretend like you have? Does she "allow" you to have and speak of your own beliefs/non-beliefs?

 

 

As the atheist half in another unequally yoked marriage, maybe I would've made the same choice when my kids were young. I don't know. (I don't mean just facebook per se -- that wasn't even around back when my kids were young. Heck, the internet wasn't either -- I had to do my research at the libarary and bookstores! lol) There were some years when if asked, I would've said I stayed in the marriage for the sake of the kids. I sure didn't want my fundy-hubby raising them without my continual influence. Even though I was less vocal about my atheism than I am now that the kids are grown, everyone still knew that DH and I were in total disagreement about religion. Back then, if he had insisted that I make the same choice your wife seems to be insisting on, I have a feeling that if I had acquiesced, I would have eventually felt so resentful at having my true self squashed, the marriage would've ended anyhow.

 

 

Good luck. While living in the midst of all that religious crap, if when you need to vent, we'll be here for ya!

[Shyone]

Tonight, I removed all fb friends who were atheists to reconcile with my wife and prove to her she's number one in my life. My wife is a strong fundie and is very upset that I've 'chosen' atheism. I firmly believe in family, and when push comes to shove, I'll gladly choose my wife, even if it means doing stupid things to please her. I'll probably make this place my main source for freedom from religion, but how in the world am I going to comply with my wife and NOT get sucked back in? I can just see myself going mad all over again!!!

I would do the same for my wife, but as Legion says, your mind is your own, and freedom is owning your own thoughts.

 

Even in chains, you are still your own person.

[florduh]

Just be glad your wife doesn't insist you wear robes and chant Hare Krishna in order to please her. That would really be silly.

[Legion]

You asked for advice, so here it comes...

 

Balance.... Balance...

 

She probably won't respect a sissy. And she probably won't like a jerk.

 

I think you being pulled back into religious thinking is less of an issue than what are appropriate boundaries in your marriage.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

If you get pulled into Bible "studies", be sure to ask interesting questions...

[Phanta]

how can you do it AND live with yourself?

 

Dhampir is spot on with this question. How can you be in this marriage and be in integrity?

 

If your marriage and your true beliefs are in deep conflict, cognitive dissonance will indeed push you, hard, to resolve the discomfort and bring your mind and sense of self back into harmony. You will have cognitive distress until the conflict is resolved.

 

Phanta

[dB-Paradox]

Thanks everyone. I am really going to need to pull myself together on this. I have two kids, 4 and 1. If it weren't for them, I would kick the emotional shit out of my wife and say F#ck this, I'm doing what I want! I'm really only trying to make a stable home for my girls. Unfortunately, my wife has always had her thumb on me, even the 10 years before we had kids. But then, I was under biblical interpretation. NOW, I'm under the spell of my two beautiful children!

 

Will I be living a lie? I don't think so. I'll still live an atheist life, but without the friend connections that apparently make my wife miserable. I don't know har far I'll go (eg. "please come to church with me" or "please pray with me") but I suspect I'll keep a tight reign on my life. Losing a few friends to keep her "happy" is a small price to pay, IMO. I just hope it doesn't wear too much on me in the long run. Damn! Why do fundies have to be so damn stubborn?

 

***EDIT***

 

I just read my first post and realized how much in love I sounded with my wife as opposed to this post (which puts the love on my children). I really do love my wife, but can't handle her stubborn nature. Anyway, as buffettphan said, I am surely not number one in her life. But I guess it's my hopes that if I model "number one-ness" toward her, she'll see that and appreciate it. I'm pretty damn confused right now.

[Legion]

... I would kick the emotional shit out of my wife and say F#ck this, I'm doing what I want!

This is being a jerk in my opinion.

 

Losing a few friends to keep her "happy" is a small price to pay, IMO.

This borders on being a sissy in my opinion.

[luvless]

Personally, I tried it and it didn't work for me. I ended up sitting in church and listening to Bible studies clenching my teeth and wishing I could throw the book. I just recently told my husband the whole truth and it felt great. I tried being something I was not to please him and keep him, but in the end I was miserable and couldn't be happy with him any ways. At this point, I am no longer afraid of losing him, although I still love him, but now the ball is in his court- does he love me for who I am? That is the question you need to ask yourself- does your wife love you for who you are? If she does, then the marriage will work regardless. I can understand you not wanting to split up, but a happy marriage is not about forcing one's views on another.

[agjohnson]

It's interesting that there are so many of us going through the same things at the same time.

 

If I were you, I would try my best to look down the road a few years. If you're giving up parts of who you are because you are "sick" with atheism, then something is wrong. I'm not a Christian, but I don't require that my wife stop tithing her income, despite that we've always had unified finances and made all financial decisions together. Tithing is part of her belief, and I would never even suggest that she stop.

 

It is one thing to give something up voluntarily because you love someone. If it is your decision, made out of love and caring, then that's great. I gave up my career as a pilot half way through training because I could see what the damage being away from home so much was going to cause my wife and my family. No one can fathom how much I love flying, and I hope to fly recreationally some day, but I gave it up voluntarily out of love.

 

If my wife came to me and said I had to cut off a relationship with some of my friends simply because they were heathens, that would be a completely different story. I would be resentful. There is compromise in marriage, but that requires negotiation and discussion. If she was unwilling to budge, and yet was making these kinds of demands (explicitly or implicitly), then I wouldn't hold out much hope.

[mwc]

But I guess it's my hopes that if I model "number one-ness" toward her, she'll see that and appreciate it.

And you will be wrong. Unless your wife already sees you as #1 in her life there is no way you can compete with a perfect deity. Are you even #2? I imagine the kids are there. Are you #3? #4? 5? 6? Putting her up at #1 is fine...for her. If you think you can "hope" your way to the top go for it. I imagine the best you'll do is reclaim your prior position which is something less than what you're hoping for.

 

mwc

[hereticzero]

Tonight, I removed all fb friends who were atheists to reconcile with my wife and prove to her she's number one in my life. My wife is a strong fundie and is very upset that I've 'chosen' atheism. I firmly believe in family, and when push comes to shove, I'll gladly choose my wife, even if it means doing stupid things to please her. I'll probably make this place my main source for freedom from religion, but how in the world am I going to comply with my wife and NOT get sucked back in? I can just see myself going mad all over again!!!

Being married, I totally understand. Family has to come first, invisible friends and all. My wife did not fully understand why I left the church, she was Pentecostal when we met, and though we never argued about it, she could not understand why I left. It took her another three years before she started thinking things over about her religion. She is not over believing in god and to me that is OK too. My gripe has been mostly about believers preaching hell and damnation to those who do not believe and at the same time they send tithings and prayers to other christians in other countries to support their crusade of rape and murder against homosexuals. My wife is starting to see the church for its true colors. I do whole heartedly agree with you that it has to be family first.

[ClaraOlive]

I'm sure glad that I'm not one of your disposable friends.

 

I don't mean that you should put your friends before your wife- in matters of time together, attention, and affection, your wife should be first. But wow, it's sure cold to just drop people who thought they were your friends out of your life when they haven't wronged you or her in any way. I hope that you at least sent them a message saying why you unfriended them - if they were really friends to begin with, I'd think you owe them that much.

 

Sorry if this is harsh, but I'm sure I'm not the only atheist who was shunned by former Christian friends and found that extremely painful. A lot of us know what it's like to be disassociated with just because of not having a belief in god, and hearing that another atheist would be willing to do that to us... I understand that it's for your wife, but what she's doing is asking you to be an asshole and potentially hurt other people.

 

ETA: I have been there, done that, and am happily divorced from someone who tried to control my life to force me back into Christianity. I don't think that anyone else should automatically get divorced in an "unequally yoked" situation, but I am personally glad that I drew the line before I was unwillingly back in the church as he wanted.

[Vomit Comet]

Are you sure it's for the best of your kids? Kids are more perceptive than adults realize. This situation doesn't sound very pleasant, and before long they'll be able to pick up on it. It's not simply the fact that she's a fundie and you're an atheist; it's the fact that she has you by the*COUGH*under her thumb and that you're going to end up in a permanent state of seething with resentment and frustration. She is forcing the yoke back upon you, and you are chafing under it. It'll only get worse at this rate.

[Vigile]

I'm pretty damn confused right now.

 

I think Phanta raised a very good point when she said you will be self conflicted until you can reach some form of harmony. The question is, if you force yourself into conflict that really has no viable release, how will that lack of harmony reflect on your relationship with your family? Perhaps you are good at controlling stress but this one seems like a tough one to master.

[dB-Paradox]

Well, it's been relatively recent since I left Christianity (formally announced since the summer of 2008). One counselor my wife and I went to likened my rejection of faith to death. She encouraged my wife to grieve the loss as well as encouraged me to allow for time to grieve. My wife has told me she'll never come around to accept my new life, but it hasn't been a year yet...things can still change. We see a counselor again next week. [fingers crossed]

 

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. And yes, some of them were hard, but that's alright. We all have different opinions, values and priorities. (Holy hell, am I becoming one of THEM again, already??? )

[Scorpion]

At this point, I am no longer afraid of losing him, although I still love him, but now the ball is in his court- does he love me for who I am? That is the question you need to ask yourself- does your wife love you for who you are? If she does, then the marriage will work regardless.

 

This, a thousand times this!

 

Atheism is not just some flavor text on the back of the book. It's just some choice about which icon to worship, if any. Atheism is a reflection of how ou see the world, which in turn reflects the kind of person you are.

 

Atheism means that you try to see the world for what it is and you accept the results, no matter what that impacts on your pre-established beliefs. That is called intelectual honesty. The question is, can you ive with yourself basically denying what you are? You're sacrificing yourself, literally, for her. What is she sacrificing for you?

 

Relationships are compromise. What your wife gave to you is an ultimatum.

 

"Stand up for yourself, even if it means standing alone.", as the Internet poet said.

[mwc]

Atheism means that you try to see the world for what it is and you accept the results, no matter what that impacts on your pre-established beliefs. That is called intelectual honesty. The question is, can you ive with yourself basically denying what you are? You're sacrificing yourself, literally, for her. What is she sacrificing for you?

This is pretty close to how I see it.

 

He's basically said "I'm doing this for my kids and my wife." Which is great.

 

She's basically said "I'm doing this for my kids and for Chuck next door."

 

So he responds "Well, if I do everything she wants maybe she will see how great I am and maybe she'll like me better than old Chuck" instead of "Who the fuck is this Chuck asshole and why am I competing with him? Screw you and Chuck. I'm not the odd-man out in your three way."

 

mwc

[dB-Paradox]

That's actually a really good way to put it mwc. I'm certain my wife will never see my beliefs (or lack thereof) as anything good, nor will she ever see me as any better that old up-chuck even if I sacrifice my own self for her. She'll never see me as number one as long as Chucky next door has an invisible grasp on her.

 

But I'm terrified of divorce. I don't want to physically lose my girls. And if it ever came to divorce, I think she would do everything she could to keep me from the kids...so I'm doing everything I can to keep them close to me. Ultimately, I truely believe this is more about my children than anything else. Yes, I love my wife, but love is not a big enough word to describe the way I feel about my children!

[mwc]

I'm not advocating divorce. I sure don't know what's going on in your life enough to say that.

 

But what you've been saying recently has been familiar enough to me for me to know that unless your wife wants to change her mind then you can give her the sun and the moon and it will do no good. She'll probably just give old Chuck the credit for those things and turn you into his messenger boy. Don't become something you're not, good or bad, just on the off-chance. Be a kick-ass dad if that's what you want to be (if you're not already). If that doesn't impress her then sucking up to Chuck sure won't make a dent. (I probably should have chose Hank...oh well).

 

I don't have kids but I went through a similar thing with my wife and I just became enraged. She made all sorts of demands and made nonsensical accusations about me. It made things horrible. She ran off while I was with my dad for a few days and refused to see me. She then starts making demands. I kept giving in. Then she wants to get together on x-mas day for dinner and makes all sorts of stupid demands (literally stupid demands like she says I have a brain tumor and so I have to get an MRI to prove it). I say "fine." I want to be seen as cooperative. A nice guy. But what's she giving in return? All this time? Nothing. Her? I'm giving me, right? Then I call back and tell her to shove it up her ass. No more. Dinner's off. Stay away. The demands drop to what time do I want to eat. So no demands. I'm not crazy with a tumor anymore. So I go. Eat. Come home. She comes home when she felt like it. No more stupid demands. No more accusations. No more. Fuck that. (Now everyone knows why I HATE xmas...it's not the baby "jesus"...it's this fucking memory).

 

mwc

[dB-Paradox]

Wow! You have more courage and guts than I do. Inside, I want to do that, but I'm too scared to lose my children. Like I said earlier, we're going for counseling. I want to mention some of these things (what everyone's been saying about how she's not giving anything, and I'm making all the sacrifices). Well, thanks for sharing, mwc. I think if I were to buckle up and just put my foot down, my wife would ultimately cave in, too. I'm just too big a sh*t to try!