Do Xtian Views Of Sex Prevent Healthy Sexual Development?

[ouroboros89]

I hope I haven't caused offense with this topic. It is something i have long wondered about, and having lurked around this forum for a few months i would very much appreciate the views of the ex-Xtians here.

 

So my question is to those who grew up in the church - in the environment of all or certain brands of Xtianity does sex become an evil act to kids? Is there a suppression of sexual urges which later causes problems in relationships and/or trying to have a normal sex life - or is that just outdated Freudian-esque nonsense?

 

I apologise if this is an inappropriate topic, i ask only because i can't find relevant accounts from people who've been on the inside anywhere else...A specific case concerning a Xtian i know of and reading around various Xtian forums made me wonder if this is actually a problem.

[sumluvlifilth]

I hope I haven't caused offense with this topic. It is something i have long wondered about, and having lurked around this forum for a few months i would very much appreciate the views of the ex-Xtians here.

 

So my question is to those who grew up in the church - in the environment of all or certain brands of Xtianity does sex become an evil act to kids? Is there a suppression of sexual urges which later causes problems in relationships and/or trying to have a normal sex life - or is that just outdated Freudian-esque nonsense?

 

I apologise if this is an inappropriate topic, i ask only because i can't find relevant accounts from people who've been on the inside anywhere else...A specific case concerning a Xtian i know of and reading around various Xtian forums made me wonder if this is actually a problem.

It totally does! I remember talking to my pastor about having the "talk" with a kid, and he told me (quite proudly) that his 18 year old daughter didn't know what an orgasm was. I was disgusted.

At my church- though I'm sure it's not the same with all churches- it was encouraged not to even let children see a partially nude body (partially meaning if the person is wearing a sleeveless shirt or shorts). Swimming was discouraged.

Masterbation was a topic that wasn't really discussed other than to say that it fell in the under the things that the bible doesn't say specifically no to but the overall meaning said not to do it (My church interpreted the bible often in that way).

Children grow up not knowing a thing about sex and then get married and have dysfunctional sex-lives- so yeah I can say difinitively that it causes problems.

[bdp]

Do Xtian Views Of Sex Prevent Healthy Sexual Development?

 

Yes.

[lunaticheathen]

I escaped this particular horror by 1) being raised by a hippie midwife mom, and 2) deconverting at 15. But I have seen sex lives screwed up, overcharged (by virtue of something being taboo, of course teens want to do it), and just plain disrupted by christianity. I knew a guy who, at the age of 15 didn't know what a bra was! Many many girls at the same christian school I attended with said male left school for a year or more for "illness" or "exhaustion" (yeah right, they got knocked up, because they didn't learn about condoms).

Abstinence education is a joke. Christian attitudes towards sexuality are idiotic. I witnessed live, drug free births. I'm 26, and never been pregnant in my life. Which works better, I wonder?

[Guest Babylonian Dream]

Yes it does.

 

Xian sexuality is also very unhealthy. You're not to lust, but marry someone, then lust after them. Then wonder why your marriage didnt work out when you don't divorce (if your that extreme) and miserable the next 60 years. OR you divorce and wonder why the divorce rate is so high. Nevermind the fact that you married first, then started to build the sexual bond.

[recoveringfromchristianity]

Interesting topic - one my son & I were just talking about. I found an old book when I was cleaning the house "The Freedom of Sexual Love" by Joseph & Lois Bird. We got it an pre-cana (when you get married in the catholic church it is a class you have to take) over 26 years ago. I haven't read it for a long time but I remember that they basically said you could hang from the chandeliers if it was okay with both partners BUT the husband could only cum in his wife's vagina. Seems to me that the woman could have a million orgasms and it didn't only have to be when the man was inside her.

 

At pre-cana one thing that has always stood out was the "only" form of birth control acceptable - basically the rythm method. One couple gave a talk about how great it worked and that they could plan their children to be able to wear the same clothes (because of seasons - god forbid you might have to buy a coat for one kid). I remember thinking that this was the dumbest thing I ever heard because you basically are preventing pregnancy whether you are "allowing" a pregnancy or not. Dumb!

 

Being told that sex was bad all the time now you are miraculously supposed to be free to hang from the chandelier! I am quite sure it has caused many women & men problems. How could it not?

 

I am pretty sure that this causes a lot of the porno addictions within the christian community too. It is such a forbidden fruit that it just begs for problems to occur.

[gypsy79]

Being told that sex was bad all the time now you are miraculously supposed to be free to hang from the chandelier! I am quite sure it has caused many women & men problems. How could it not?

 

 

Exactly. That definitely caused me problems.

[Franko47]

Of course it does. We can't have young men and women thinking about sex when we need them to go off and fight our wars.

 

But fear of sex, sexuality and restrictive morality has never just been confined to the religious. I've met many a non-religious person who still thinks that certain sexual practices (or being gay) is "wrong".

 

Humans are intrinsically afraid of sex, as well as other deep passions. That is why they are ripe for the plucking to be channeled into religion and warfare.

 

No ? See a history book.

[DesertBob]

I think it depends on the flavor of Christianity.

 

I think there is a consensus among most parents that it's better for teens to focus on academics and not to be in a particular hurry to be sexually active. In practice this isn't much different from the typical Christian abstinence position. The main difference is probably in how forthcoming / proactive / approachable parents are with info on sex and how much of a federal crisis it is to allow for the distinct possibility that your child may become sexually active or indeed that they may at least be sexual beings with sexual fantasies.

 

How damaging this is, in turn, probably depends on the individual. My parents had a (dated) publication in the family bookshelf entitled The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Sex which provided my surreptitious basic sex education. By the time my mother approached me with the intent to have a strained talk about the birds and the bees I waved her off, telling her I knew about it already. She was relieved, and strangely incurious about how I knew. Maybe the book was planted, I dunno.

 

I wish there was less mystery surrounding sex for me during those years but I can't say it did anything to inhibit me. I've never had unusual hangups or performance issues or guilt or anything else about sex. The damage Christianity happened to do to me was in other areas.

 

Just a little input to counter the idea that all Christians are sexually damaged in some way.

[Poketto Kunoichi]

I would say it depends for each Christian, since the only view they all share nowadays is Jesus.

 

For me, well, I was a pervert since I was 11. When I was 13/14 and getting into bondage, I felt like shit whenever I fantasied about it. I would always tell myself "just this once" and, erm, dream. I would have this nagging feeling telling me what I'm doing is wrong, so I can't relax and enjoy it. Eventually, I justified my thoughts by saying, "well, in the fantasy, he's my husband."

 

If I wasn't so determined to still "be right with God" and think about whatever, I think I would be one depressed teenager right now. :/ So yes, I do think it can prevent healthy sexual development. For some it just may be restricting thoughts when you're all alone, or having a sexless marriage.

[oddbird1963]

I think the Christian and other Victorian attitudes toward sex does harm people in the long run.

 

I think frank talks in the home and lessons at school about sexual development and issues related to sexuality are a must.

 

However, school boards and prudish parents so alter the curriculum related to those matters that it becomes a joke. A harmful joke, but a joke nonetheless.

[MagickMonkey]

I think growing up as a christian hindered my ability to interact with girls. (I can't blame this entirely on christianity, because I'm not a naturally sociable person.) I generally didn't know many christian girls and I was mostly too ostracised at school to have much interaction with non-christian girls. I remember my first girlfriend dropping hints that she wanted to have sex, and I kept ignoring the subject. Naturally, the relationship didn't last long. I remember feeling guilty just for the amount of kissing we did. I knew god had to have been pissed. I didn't get laid until I was 20. Shortly thereafter, the woman I was having my first sexual relationship with got pregnant we got married. I actually proposed to her before we found out she was pregnant after having known her for only a few months. I felt guilty for having sex with her outside of marriage, and I wanted to make things right with god. There's a good chance I would have called off the wedding if she weren't pregnant. Today, she's my ex wife, and I have a whole heap of bitterness, hate, and disrespect towards that stupid bitch.

 

I think if I had dated more before meeting her, I would not have given her the time of day, much less marry her and have kids with her. I knew about birth control, but I was never conditioned to consider it as important as I should have. As awkward as it would have been, I wish my parents would have discussed such matters with me. The sex education I received in school was very brief.

 

I try not to repeat my parents' mistakes. I tell my sons (and will tell my daughter when she's old enough) the importance of contraception. I'm not going to pretend they won't have sex, and I think they should have a safe, enjoyable sex life when they are old enough. I try to tell them the importance of being careful who you have kids with. Being an atheist, I have no need to teach them to wait till marriage to have sex. They won't feel any need to be in a hurry to get married simply to have sex without living in sin.

[sumluvlifilth]

I think growing up as a christian hindered my ability to interact with girls. (I can't blame this entirely on christianity, because I'm not a naturally sociable person.) I generally didn't know many christian girls and I was mostly too ostracised at school to have much interaction with non-christian girls. I remember my first girlfriend dropping hints that she wanted to have sex, and I kept ignoring the subject. Naturally, the relationship didn't last long. I remember feeling guilty just for the amount of kissing we did. I knew god had to have been pissed. I didn't get laid until I was 20. Shortly thereafter, the woman I was having my first sexual relationship with got pregnant we got married. I actually proposed to her before we found out she was pregnant after having known her for only a few months. I felt guilty for having sex with her outside of marriage, and I wanted to make things right with god. There's a good chance I would have called off the wedding if she weren't pregnant. Today, she's my ex wife, and I have a whole heap of bitterness, hate, and disrespect towards that stupid bitch.

 

I think if I had dated more before meeting her, I would not have given her the time of day, much less marry her and have kids with her. I knew about birth control, but I was never conditioned to consider it as important as I should have. As awkward as it would have been, I wish my parents would have discussed such matters with me. The sex education I received in school was very brief.

 

I try not to repeat my parents' mistakes. I tell my sons (and will tell my daughter when she's old enough) the importance of contraception. I'm not going to pretend they won't have sex, and I think they should have a safe, enjoyable sex life when they are old enough. I try to tell them the importance of being careful who you have kids with. Being an atheist, I have no need to teach them to wait till marriage to have sex. They won't feel any need to be in a hurry to get married simply to have sex without living in sin.

I ended up getting married the same way- with the exception that I did date my husband for a long time before we became Christians. We were trying to abstain after we became Christians, and one night, after I told him I didn't want to marry him, we had sex and didn't take the right precautions. I got pregnant, and we got married because we "had to". It was stupid. We've made it work, but I know other people who haven't been able to- even if they are still married. We have a friend who got married so that he could have sex (I think he probably had been having sex with her already and felt guilty), and now, because that's all the marriage was based on, they found out that they don't have anything in common. They're misrable now for no reason.

[ShackledNoMore]

I think this is a good topic and completely appropriate.

 

Absolutely, this environment is harmful to healthy sexual development, the more repressive the church, the more detrimental. Some of us are still left with the damage, or dealing with it long after deconversion.

 

The worst of the sects try to turn it into a sin to even experience normal sexual thoughts. Results are predictable when one is constantly indoctrinated with this at an early age.

 

I believe that this in not only detrimental to the individual, but to society. I do not think that it is an accident that the highest rates of teen pregnancy correlates to the regions with the highest religiosity.

[Easy_Pickings]

I'd say "yes".

 

Okay, so I was a Christian girl, mmkay? Fourteen, maybe thirteen. I used to do compulsory masturbation at night when I was sure people were asleep, then felt guilty about it, and it grew worse as I got older until I slowly began to realize: hey, it's normal! I never had a boyfriend, while two of my siblings (one older, one younger) went about and dated, and meanwhile, I was screwing people in my mind at fifteen or sixteen!

 

I'm still an unkissed virgin, but I feel less guilty about fantasizing at night. I've also found that I had attraction towards men and women, which the church probably would bury if I came to that conclusion under their roof.

 

So again, I say: yes, it does damage sexual development, and not just finding your orientation.

[gypsy79]

 

I believe that this in not only detrimental to the individual, but to society. I do not think that it is an accident that the highest rates of teen pregnancy correlates to the regions with the highest religiosity.

 

I agree, Shackled. When I was 16, my mom found my birth control pills and made me throw them away. She said it would be like condoning sex if I were allowed to keep them. How would she have felt if I would have gotten pregnant at 16? Luckily, I didn't, but she really played with fire there.

[MagickMonkey]

I think this is a good topic and completely appropriate.

 

Absolutely, this environment is harmful to healthy sexual development, the more repressive the church, the more detrimental. Some of us are still left with the damage, or dealing with it long after deconversion.

 

The worst of the sects try to turn it into a sin to even experience normal sexual thoughts. Results are predictable when one is constantly indoctrinated with this at an early age.

 

I believe that this in not only detrimental to the individual, but to society. I do not think that it is an accident that the highest rates of teen pregnancy correlates to the regions with the highest religiosity.

 

I don't know that there is a complete causal relationship between the degree of religiosity of a region and the region's teen pregnancy rate. I think they both are inversely proportional to the average frontal lobe size of the people in that region.

 

EDITED for spelling mistakes.

[Moxie]

As long as sex is viewed as something *bad*, then people will want to do that which is forbidden, which explains why there is now an unhealthy obsession with sex in our culture.

 

The farther back you pull a pendulum, the farther it will swing in the opposite direction.

[The Seeker]

I can't really speak for other branches of Christianity, but in my case, it totally did.

 

I grew up being told that I should only have sex after I got married. As a kid, I knew I had to turn around and cover my ears when we were watching a movie and the characters started getting it on. Then as a teenager, as soon as I found out what masturbation was (circa 13 years old), I found out that it was wrong, too. That didn't stop me from doing it, but I spent most of my teenage years feeling vey guilty about it. Since I wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend, I used to watch a lot of porn, and started to get some funky ideas about what sex was. The fact that I remained a virgin until I was 23 also prevented me from noticing a genetic minor malformation that called for adult circumcision in order to have a healthy sex life. All of this also put me in disadvantage from the rest of the adult dating population, in that I still consider myself pretty amateur in the field while most peope my age have been doing it for ten years now.

 

My cousin's story is a little sadder though. He's been a Christian his entire life (he's 30). He stayed a virgin until a couple of years ago, when he got married. His wife turned out to be a major bitch, she wouldn't have sex with him because she said she didn't feel attracted, yet she would bang other guys, while they were still together. I think all of his happened to him because of his radical Christian upbringing. You see my cousin always dreamed about marrying his first girlfriend (which he did) and losing his virgnity along with her. This stupid idea is cheered with enthusiasm in the world of Christianity. If he had had other girlfriends and a little sex, I think this wouldn't have happened to him. Even trying sex with the wife-to-be BEFORE marriage would have given him some red lights on the issue.

 

Saddest part is, I was talking to him the other day and he was telling me how confused he was about taking her back or not (they're separated, but not divorced yet). His confusion lies in the fact that the Bible instructs us to "love our wives like Christ loved the Church", so he's not sure if he's supposed to forgive her. Crazyness is all around us fellas.

[viridia]

I was always, always, allllways into sex. Even when I was a little kid, masturbation and sexual fantasies enthralled me. I have NO idea how, at seven years old, I'd already known the basics of sex or why it turned me on.

 

We had our first health class in 8th grade at my Christian middle school. When we got to the parts on sex, our teacher showed us this video called "Sex: Lies and the Truth" and of course it was all about waiting for your true love to marry them, if only to prevent unwanted pregnancies and STDs. I didn't notice it at the time but looking back it floors me to think they'd just tell us (soon-to-be extremely horny teenagers) to not have sex until you're married, instead of telling us how to protect ourselves.

 

It's not dirty to give in to sexual desires, it's just human. By telling people they need to repress these urges--or rather by telling them to ignore what their bodies are naturally wanting them to do--and that it's sinful to even look at a ravishingly beautiful woman and be attracted to her, or whatever...it's just wrong. Sick and wrong.

 

I'm a senior this year so I have to take Health to be able to graduate (in public high school), and on the Sex Ed permission form it reads, "Part of the curriculum the students will be studying includes...the importance of abstinence, the problems of premarital intercourse..."

I don't have a problem with the "importance of abstinence" part, since it implies waiting until you yourself are ready to have sex. But the "problems with premarital intercourse," is just ridiculous. Especially for public school.

 

My personal feelings are that if you're safe (condoms, BC pill, etc) and at the legal age of consent for your state or country, why not have sex if you really want to? I don't necessarily believe that a loving, long-term relationship is required to enjoy safe sex either. All in all it's just another way of communicating with another person, like a hug, kiss, high five, etc, and any other implications are what you and your partner(s) put on it.

[viridia]

 

My cousin's story is a little sadder though. He's been a Christian his entire life (he's 30). He stayed a virgin until a couple of years ago, when he got married. His wife turned out to be a major bitch, she wouldn't have sex with him because she said she didn't feel attracted, yet she would bang other guys, while they were still together. I think all of his happened to him because of his radical Christian upbringing. You see my cousin always dreamed about marrying his first girlfriend (which he did) and losing his virgnity along with her. This stupid idea is cheered with enthusiasm in the world of Christianity. If he had had other girlfriends and a little sex, I think this wouldn't have happened to him. Even trying sex with the wife-to-be BEFORE marriage would have given him some red lights on the issue.

 

Saddest part is, I was talking to him the other day and he was telling me how confused he was about taking her back or not (they're separated, but not divorced yet). His confusion lies in the fact that the Bible instructs us to "love our wives like Christ loved the Church", so he's not sure if he's supposed to forgive her. Crazyness is all around us fellas.

 

That is honestly terrible :/ I'm so sorry.

[ouroboros89]

This is very interesting. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken time to respond.

 

I agree with everyone who has expressed the sense of "it can't be good for you" WRT this dichotomy between bound-for-hell pre-marital sex and "song of songs" marital sexual bliss. I think if i'd grown up xtian i would find it hard not to see the transcendent love between myself and God as the perfect paradigm for human love, thus making sex an utterly fleshy, animalistic...probably sinful act.

 

Clearly, there are some heartbreaking stories: broken marriages, guilt, resentment, isolation...but is it any better on the outside? The divorce rate is universally bad. People have sex issues whatever they believe - I know here in the UK sex is still quite taboo, but maybe because it used to be a very xtian nation? Practise or test driving aside, you may find you love somebody who's not your best sexual partner, or you marry somebody and they change completely or illness/accident changes things. NTM there are plenty of xtian forums for people with the same sexual problems as those in secular forums.

 

I'm not sure what to think, some xtians i know of seem to get married very quickly, but also don't manage to abstain - thus making them want to get married even more to "make things right with god" as MagickMonkey and sumluvlifilth said, but these xtians tend to still have two married parents. Do those who know both believe sex outside of xtiainty is better than in it? Or is this a case of xtianity has it wrong, a lot of other religions/people have it wrong too, we all need to be more open to talk, open to education and respect personal choice?

[lunaticheathen]

Sex is a very messy, complex situation, because people are people, and people are strange. The problem here is that christian attitudes, particularly puritanical ones, tend to make it worse. They throw up more road blocks for people dealing with an already complex issue.

I personally think marriage is a bit antiquated, and don't plan on getting married. That's how I'll avoid divorce. I am living with a man now ("in sin", as it were), and we may stay together a long time, or not. I don't know. But I won't promise "till death do us part" if I'm not sure.

Openness is the best policy in sex and relationships. Christianity wants people to fit a mold so badly, that it ends up discouraging honesty for the sake of "being" some ideal that isn't really real. And Pauline attitudes towards women and sex have messed up many, many people.

Everyone has relationship problems, regardless of belief or non-belief, but christians tend to make more problems for themselves.

[Reprobate]

It definatly messes with you, living with guilt over masterbation, lustful thoughts, porn, and just a longing to be loved. Just another thing that erodes ones self-esteem a little more.

 

It was all going to be sooo perfect. You stay abstinent and marry the guy/girl of your dreams and everything was going to be wonderful.

[Dibllsmek]

Hell yes.

 

I was never told anything about sex. Leading me to have some ...gay experiences at the age of 9. Scaring me for 5 years. I felt absolutely dreadful after I masturbated, because my priest told me it made me no better than a heroin addict. I couldn't even "kiss" my girlfriend last year because my priest said that anyone who had any physical contact would go to hell.

 

Glad thats over.