Do Xtian Views Of Sex Prevent Healthy Sexual Development?

[MagickMonkey]

Hell yes.

 

I was never told anything about sex. Leading me to have some ...gay experiences at the age of 9. Scaring me for 5 years. I felt absolutely dreadful after I masturbated, because my priest told me it made me no better than a heroin addict. I couldn't even "kiss" my girlfriend last year because my priest said that anyone who had any physical contact would go to hell.

 

Glad thats over.

 

It almost makes me want to laugh thinking about how horribly guilty I felt when I first masturbated. I was so disappointed in my self. I thought it was worse than premarital sex. All that guilt for nothing. Damn, I'm glad I do not buy that bullshit any more.

[The Seeker]

Christianity wants people to fit a mold so badly, that it ends up discouraging honesty for the sake of "being" some ideal that isn't really real.

Everyone has relationship problems, regardless of belief or non-belief, but christians tend to make more problems for themselves.

 

About this, my girl's mom, a devout Christian, has stayed in a very disfunctional marriage for years because she can't stand the idea of divorce and believes anything but sticking with her abusive husband would be sinful.

[sumluvlifilth]

I'm not sure what to think, some xtians i know of seem to get married very quickly, but also don't manage to abstain - thus making them want to get married even more to "make things right with god" as MagickMonkey and sumluvlifilth said, but these xtians tend to still have two married parents. Do those who know both believe sex outside of xtiainty is better than in it? Or is this a case of xtianity has it wrong, a lot of other religions/people have it wrong too, we all need to be more open to talk, open to education and respect personal choice?

I would say that sex outside of Xtianity is better than within because outside of it I'm able to think and communicate about it without feeling guilty. I don't know about anyone else, but in the church I was involved in, thinking about sex when not in the bedroom (in the act) and talking about it with other people who are doing it (married) are very much frowned upon. The only person you're supposed talk about it with is the person you've married who is likely just as misinformed as you. Also, reading educational things about sex was looked down on unless it was a Xtian book, which I found lacking.

I was lucky in that I had been doing it awhile before I got married, so for me it was largely the same, aside that I wasn't allowed to communicate about it anymore (my husband didn't even really like to talk about it). Definitely, everyone should be more open to talk about it. It's terrible how many people get into relationships not knowing anything and end up misrable.

[Brought None]

Yes.

 

Example: Growing up gay in a heavily antigay environment heavily shaped by Xtian views and society.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

Without a doubt... Unless I'm wrong in my understanding of the Bible's view of sex.

[Objet_trouve24]

I hope I haven't caused offense with this topic. It is something i have long wondered about, and having lurked around this forum for a few months i would very much appreciate the views of the ex-Xtians here.

 

So my question is to those who grew up in the church - in the environment of all or certain brands of Xtianity does sex become an evil act to kids? Is there a suppression of sexual urges which later causes problems in relationships and/or trying to have a normal sex life - or is that just outdated Freudian-esque nonsense?

 

I apologise if this is an inappropriate topic, i ask only because i can't find relevant accounts from people who've been on the inside anywhere else...A specific case concerning a Xtian i know of and reading around various Xtian forums made me wonder if this is actually a problem.

 

 

You might find it interesting to hear some testimonials of people who went through ex-gay "ministries". For many of us, christianity, and particularly the more anti-gay forms of it, caused us to put years of our lives on hold trying to force ourselves to be something we were not. But it's not just as simple as sexuality in this stuff. In their literature, the way they talk about gender also screws people up. These groups have destroyed relationships, kept people from learning about STDs, and if they don't sexually molest you themselves, they tend to have a real knack for worsening existing trauma. Not to mention makes sex and lust some kind of shameful thing. I didn't date in high school because I had "lust problems", by which I mean I found some people attractive, and didn't want to "hurt them with it". What kind of shit is that?

[Vendredie]

I deconverted at 14, but I still have to deal with a very controlling mother who I just can't tell anything to without the fear of her freaking out and telling the entire family. I'm not entirely sure that's Christianity, though.

 

However, because my school system is so prudish, the only sex-ed we have is a week of abstinence-only bullshit in seventh grade, another week of it in eighth, and a small unit of abstinence in the last few weeks of health class in ninth. The result is that a bunch of girls at my high school are now pregnant... and so is my ex's 13 year old sister.

 

Is it any wonder that there are only 2 people in "real life" who know I'm not a virgin anymore, and one of them is the guy I slept with?

[bird28]

Yes, it screwed me up majorly.

 

When I was a teen, I really, really repressed my desires. Then I discovered Masturbation. I cried and I cried and I cried because I wanted to do it more. I even confessed it to my grandma off all people, because I was literally sick I was doing this horrible thing.

 

In college, I for sure was attracted to guys, but the xtian guys I hung out with gave me mixed signals. They didn't really want to be my boyfriend. I was not acting like a normal college student and exploring my sexuality.

 

It wasn't until late college I started to masturbate and not feel that bad about it. The urge was there, I was basically telling God that I did not like his rule and I was going to break it.

 

All these years of repression lead me to loose my virginity to the first guy that ever offered to have sex with me at the age of 27, the same day I met him. I just wanted it get it over with. I'm glad I was safe, though my doctor lectured me on doing it without being on the Pill and now wants me to take it, though I am afraid if I have the Pill around my grandma, it would upset her.

 

Yes, now I live with fundy grandma, and in a situation where I can't even meet men because I don't leave the house. I found out I like sex, but I really want to be in a relationship, but not married. I have a lot of things going against me in order to find a partner.

 

I just wish I didn't go through with that pain when I was a youth.

[TelevisionKiller]

I was brought up as a devout Catholic. In the church, I was taught that you could never have sex outside of marriage, and you could not use artificial birth control (condoms, the Pill). There was a word tacked onto talks about premartial sex that stuck with me for my entire life, and that word was "PURE". Stay pure. It's good to be pure. Don't have unpure thoughts. Don't do unpure things. Masturbation is unpure and a mortal sin.

 

I don't recall ever having "the talk" with my parents. They gave me a book on puberty, but told me to ignore the sections about homosexuality, birth control and abortion. It was then I started to understand what masturbation was (as a child, I didn't understand what it was but I did it anyway). I felt horribly guilty at night when I would fantasize. I knew that masturbation was a mortal sin and that, if I died the next day, I would probably go to hell.

 

During a youth teen rally/conference, my parents made me go to confession with hundreds of other teens. I felt sick waiting in line. I knew I had to confess my mortal sin, because if I didn't, the refusal to confess the sin itself would be a mortal sin. I remember sitting in a chair, in the open, with other teens confessing nearby, and I tearfully told the priest I had "problems with self-stimulation". I couldn't even say the word masturbation. I was incredibly humiliated to be revealing this private aspect of my life to a stranger. Although the priest absolved me and didn't blink twice at my "horrible" sin, I was scared to death of masturbation and actually abstained from it for months, until, when I went to college, I finally left the church.

 

Once I left the church, at 20 years old, I met my first (and current) boyfriend. We both play World of Warcraft together, and had a couple mutual friends. He's wonderful, sweet, and makes me laugh, and he, an agnostic, also came from a crazy Baptist family, so we had a similar background.

 

At first I was very apprehensive of sex. I thought that if I had sex, or even saw him naked, it would change me, and I would become "unpure". Although I had declared myself non-Catholic, these old teachings that had been hammered into my mind were still lurking. Luckily, my boyfriend is gentle and understanding, and slowly eased me into kissing, making out, and intimate touching, and I started to feel more comfortable. Having sex for the first time with him was one of the heaviest burdens ever lifted off my shoulders. I felt no guilt after the fact...I felt good, loved, and I wanted more. I finally realized that premartial sex wasn't the dark, dangerous, evil cavern that I thought it was. I'm finally discovering myself, realizing that it's OK if I love to have sex and want to have fun with my boyfriend.

 

I also have to thank people here on the forums for helping me with that struggle, I mentioned it in a thread earlier this year.

[Guest Valk0010]

Damn right it does. How the hell are you supposed to shut off sexual desire or go around feeling guilty about it all the time and be expected to have a happy marriage.

[Midnight-mindwanderings]

 

At first I was very apprehensive of sex. I thought that if I had sex, or even saw him naked, it would change me, and I would become "unpure". Although I had declared myself non-Catholic, these old teachings that had been hammered into my mind were still lurking. Luckily, my boyfriend is gentle and understanding, and slowly eased me into kissing, making out, and intimate touching, and I started to feel more comfortable. Having sex for the first time with him was one of the heaviest burdens ever lifted off my shoulders. I felt no guilt after the fact...I felt good, loved, and I wanted more. I finally realized that premartial sex wasn't the dark, dangerous, evil cavern that I thought it was. I'm finally discovering myself, realizing that it's OK if I love to have sex and want to have fun with my boyfriend.

 

 

This was very very much my experience as well. Here's to great sex with great men!

[flockoff]

I didn't go on my first real date til I was 20 and wound up timidly calling the girl two weeks later to say she was "a virtuous woman of God" and apologize for running my fingers down her arm.

 

So yes.

 

 

[StriveForTolerance]

I don't remember my exact feelings about sex and Christianity (my mother was much more liberal about sex/masturbation/fantasies than my church - I know because we had one or two very awkward conversations about it) - but I remember the overall feeling being that I didn't feel guilty enough. However awful I felt for looking for gay bondage porn at 13, or masturbating, or listening to "bad" music - I didn't feel awful enough. I should always feel worse.

 

Eventually, of course, something had to give - I ended up cracking and doing everything I "shouldn't." And I found out... it was no big deal. The world didn't end. I didn't die of some masturbation-related disease.

 

But my church... oh, good grief, my church. We had a "sexual purity" night at youth group... our youth pastor uncomfortably read off a set of statistics and linked them all (somehow) to the fall of America (or something like that... I wasn't really paying attention to the actual talking, I was too busy giggling at the word "penile"). And I know for a fact that one of my best friends, who had once mentioned how masturbation was healthy, stopped doing it after that. I feel awful for her - she's inevitably going to marry at 18 because she wouldn't turn to any other kind of sexual release. That was what happened to my mother, which is why she now knows it's PERFECTLY healthy.

 

</meaninglessrant>

 

Anyway. My point is, yes, the church is VERY sexually repressive and harmful.

[ptd006]

Glad I found this thread. I'm 26, and finally decided religion was a load of rubbish a few weeks ago. I had the "women are evil temptresses", "gays are going to hell" thing beaten into me. It led to a decade of porn/masturbation addiction, denying my sexuality, depression and suicidal thoughts (ok, there were other things but the sexuality thing was a big factor). That was until last year, when I started to explore a little. With GF got as far as getting naked, warmed up and protection on.. but then I was so scared that God would be angry, or my family would find out and stop talking to me that I just couldn't go through with it GF didn't really understand and we split shortly after. Kind of pathetic. I'm at least bi-curious so I snogged a guy and groped a bit but didn't really get turned -- perhaps that was fear of burning in hell again. I engaged a (female) prostitute a few weeks ago, having decided there is no evidence for god, so there shouldn't be a problem.. but it was even worse -- I left humiliated, with her stifling a giggle! It was kind of funny looking back, but I almost died of embarrassment. It might have been because I have a few moral hangups about the whole sex for money thing... but I still blame religion haha!

[notogod]

a great topic. Yes, it causes problems that last into xitanity. In my religion woman were not allowed to wear pants, shorts, etc. We were to stay pure for our husbands. After being molested by christian boys, marrying twice --once to a minister's son and once to a mother and father minister team's son, I would say, yes, it causes a lot of problems that don't go entirely away. Being an xtian has allowed me to deal more rationally , with my sexuality and relieves much of the guilt that I carried as a christian. So many ministers in my life, and still, here I am.

[notogod]

a great topic. Yes, it causes problems that last into xitanity. In my religion woman were not allowed to wear pants, shorts, etc. We were to stay pure for our husbands. After being molested by christian boys, marrying twice --once to a minister's son and once to a mother and father minister team's son, I would say, yes, it causes a lot of problems that don't go entirely away. Being an xtian has allowed me to deal more rationally , with my sexuality and relieves much of the guilt that I carried as a christian. So many ministers in my life, and still, here I am.