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When To Kick Out A Family Member?


pandora
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I have lived with my mom for a few years now to help her take care of the house and herself. Last summer while she was in the hospital, I allowed a homeless uncle of mine (my father's half brother) come and live with us. My stipulations were that he work on becoming self-sufficient. Well, once my mom got out of the hospital my mom decided he didn't need to do that. I never intended this house to be a permanent home for him, but I think he has come to expect it.

 

My uncle has worn out his welcome with all other family members. He inherited a house and some money in 2005, so he quit his job, sold the house, and drank the money away traveling cross country. He's quite the eccentric type. The family is upset with him for frittering the money and not looking for jobs when we give him a place to stay. If I kick him out, he has nowhere to go. Has has already stayed with all his friends over the years and they have said he can't stay with him either. He is rather grumpy, abusive at times, and controlling.

 

Now that my mother has died, it is time to send him on his way. However, I am so torn because I can't just send him on the street. My mother was supposed to tell him to have arrangements made so that he could move out immediately after she died, but of course they never had that discussion. He was a great help to my mother and did help out around the house, he just refuses to get a job or give me any respect.

 

I am afraid he is going to guilt trip me and verbally abuse me when I break the news. Once my mother's life insurance money comes in, if there is enough, my mother asked that I give him some. I don't mind because it will help soften the blow on his end as he tries to find a new place. I plan on giving him 60 days once I get the money, about $2000, and our truck to get him on his way. Does this sound fair? I'd like to be harsher, but my family thinks I should be more generous.

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Your offer is more than fair. He can find some stopgap employment in the time period you offer, and the money will enable him to find lodgings. Don't let the deadbeat take you for a ride. Lay down the law.

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Is 2k his cut or the whole policy? Just sounds kind of small for a life insurance policy (wouldn't even cover 1/3 of a funeral). I would give him whatever your mom asked you to. That would really help the conversation to say that this was all discussed ahead of time and it's what she wanted.

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She wanted me to give him 10K if I could afford it, but 1) I can't and 2) he is abusive, verbally and 3) he doesn't want to look for a job. I am also afraid he is just going to go cross country with the truck and visit bars and sleep in parking lots until he runs out of money again. I am already giving him a truck, I need that cash to get myself a car.

 

And don't worry, there is plenty of insurance money. I won't get rich, but I'll have enough to pay the mortgage and perhaps get a newer used car. Maybe living expenses for a month or two while I try and find a job. That's it.

 

I don't know how I would enforce him moving out.

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So maybe I should approach it like, "My mother wanted to make sure that I give you the toools you need when you move out after her death." Should I start by asking if he ever had that conversation? And if he says no, tell him the story? It's such a touchy subject... I'm going nuts thinking about it.

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And it's funny how much he's kissing my ass since Thursday... it's not all fake, but it will devolve soon.

 

Ro-Bear, I remember you. :) How do you suggest I lay down the law? How can I enforce a move-out date? I feel abandoned by my family. They think that since we chose this living arrangement, we should take care of it. I feel like I'm going through enough and they should just take him in that two months and they kick him to the street. :)

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Is the house in your name now?

 

How old is this person? Just curious.

 

 

Is him working and paying rent conceivable? Just throwing out ideas

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He is 56 years old. He hasn't worked when he's lived with any other friends or family, and he hasn't followed through with our attempts in the past to help him find a job. Even if he did find a job and pay us rent, the rules of the house would have to change. He is a control freak, rude to me, and I don't like him either. I find it a strain to be polite to him. He is being really good right now, but I am sure that will change soon.

 

He used to work for the printing industry. We got him a good lead, rewrote his resume and helped him with a cover letter, all he had to do was mail it in or go downtown to the place of business. He didn't do either. Other family members asked him to look for a job and he wouldn't with them, which is why they won't take him back. I got him a part time job with a catering company I have worked for in the past and he has not gone in when asked and yelled at our boss on the phone. He isn't working for them anymore. He is rude and can't stand younger people bossing him around. He drinks from the bar on the job. :HaHa: He claims to be too old to get any job and he needs a vehicle.

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He is 56 years old. He hasn't worked when he's lived with any other friends or family, and he hasn't followed through with our attempts in the past to help him find a job. Even if he did find a job and pay us rent, the rules of the house would have to change. He is a control freak, rude to me, and I don't like him either. I find it a strain to be polite to him. He is being really good right now, but I am sure that will change soon.

 

He used to work for the printing industry. We got him a good lead, rewrote his resume and helped him with a cover letter, all he had to do was mail it in or go downtown to the place of business. He didn't do either. Other family members asked him to look for a job and he wouldn't with them, which is why they won't take him back. I got him a part time job with a catering company I have worked for in the past and he has not gone in when asked and yelled at our boss on the phone. He isn't working for them anymore. He is rude and can't stand younger people bossing him around. He drinks from the bar on the job. :HaHa: He claims to be too old to get any job and he needs a vehicle.

wtf! That's terrible.

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She wanted me to give him 10K if I could afford it, but 1) I can't and 2) he is abusive, verbally and 3) he doesn't want to look for a job. I am also afraid he is just going to go cross country with the truck and visit bars and sleep in parking lots until he runs out of money again. I am already giving him a truck, I need that cash to get myself a car.

 

And don't worry, there is plenty of insurance money. I won't get rich, but I'll have enough to pay the mortgage and perhaps get a newer used car. Maybe living expenses for a month or two while I try and find a job. That's it.

 

I don't know how I would enforce him moving out.

 

This is tough because we have emotions getting involved. I assume you want honest feedback, right? That's why you asked. I only know what you've shared so there's lots of details I don't know, but it sounds like your negative opinions of him are getting in the way of the positive ones. I mean you did say he helped your mom out a lot, right? And the money was something she wanted him to have. If it were me, I'd basically approach it as if anything goes sour will $8000 be worth me having something on my conscience for the rest of my life. Said another way, if 2000 is enough for living expenses plus 2 months rent and deposit on an apartment, but it takes him 3 months to get a job, you haven really even given him a fighting chance and you may as well have given him nothing. I guess I just always seem to give people the benefit of the doubt so hopefully others will chime in as well.

 

As to the conversation, I would use whatever strategy that would be personal to you. For example, "mom and I had talked about the house before she passed and she wanted me to have it because id like to get married and have kids etc etc. But she didn't want you just kicked to the curb, she wanted you to have x dollars to get back on your feet on your own and I wanted to honor her wishes."

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I'd like to be harsher, but my family thinks I should be more generous.

Hold on...your family thinks you should be more generous, yet they won't take him back? Doesn't this sound a bit hypocritical? I think you're being WAY too fair! Especially since he's being verbally abusive. As a fully grown man, he should better than to bite the hand that feeds him.

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I see your point, but I don't think I'll be able to afford more than 2K.

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Your blood ties have made you not able to see this objectively. That guy is a complete asshole, and deserves none of your shit. If you feel obligated to give him anything, its out of the kindness of your heart, not because he is worth any of it.

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She wanted me to give him 10K if I could afford it, but 1) I can't and 2) he is abusive, verbally and 3) he doesn't want to look for a job. I am also afraid he is just going to go cross country with the truck and visit bars and sleep in parking lots until he runs out of money again. I am already giving him a truck, I need that cash to get myself a car.

 

And don't worry, there is plenty of insurance money. I won't get rich, but I'll have enough to pay the mortgage and perhaps get a newer used car. Maybe living expenses for a month or two while I try and find a job. That's it.

 

I don't know how I would enforce him moving out.

 

This is tough because we have emotions getting involved. I assume you want honest feedback, right? That's why you asked. I only know what you've shared so there's lots of details I don't know, but it sounds like your negative opinions of him are getting in the way of the positive ones. I mean you did say he helped your mom out a lot, right? And the money was something she wanted him to have. If it were me, I'd basically approach it as if anything goes sour will $8000 be worth me having something on my conscience for the rest of my life. Said another way, if 2000 is enough for living expenses plus 2 months rent and deposit on an apartment, but it takes him 3 months to get a job, you haven really even given him a fighting chance and you may as well have given him nothing. I guess I just always seem to give people the benefit of the doubt so hopefully others will chime in as well.

 

As to the conversation, I would use whatever strategy that would be personal to you. For example, "mom and I had talked about the house before she passed and she wanted me to have it because id like to get married and have kids etc etc. But she didn't want you just kicked to the curb, she wanted you to have x dollars to get back on your feet on your own and I wanted to honor her wishes."

 

 

He's had plenty of time to get a job, and has coasted along like a piece of shit this entire time If he cant find a job in 2 months, its his own damn fault for not looking ahead and expecting him family members to pay his way.

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She wanted me to give him 10K if I could afford it, but 1) I can't and 2) he is abusive, verbally and 3) he doesn't want to look for a job. I am also afraid he is just going to go cross country with the truck and visit bars and sleep in parking lots until he runs out of money again. I am already giving him a truck, I need that cash to get myself a car.

 

And don't worry, there is plenty of insurance money. I won't get rich, but I'll have enough to pay the mortgage and perhaps get a newer used car. Maybe living expenses for a month or two while I try and find a job. That's it.

 

I don't know how I would enforce him moving out.

 

Triple post, lol. If you cant enforce him to move out, call the cops. If you are afraid to do that, PM me. Seriously.

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Pandora, you owe nothing to a verbally abusive mooch. He owes you... Big time.

 

I'd be inclined to put the house on the market, give your uncle the minimum required notice by law (generally 1 or 2 months), install locks and/or alarms where required to protect valuable stuff from vindictive "disappearing" or destruction, and call the cops on him and get him evicted or even arrested at the faintest scent of a threat.

 

Every time he tries guilt-tripping, mouthing off at you or some other stunt, I strongly recommend escalation to an even higher level. (Suggestions: Empty the fridge and eat elsewhere; downgrade household services such as Internet; sell the TV and air conditioner on EBay... :grin:) Just keep reloading and firing with unexpected encroachments on his comfort zone, making the house less and less desirable for him to live in.

 

(Been there, done that, successfully forced an abusive mooch's hand. After running for My life from My ex-spouse, I started by disconnecting utilities, forcing Whatsisname to apply for them in his own name. The following spring, when he claimed I had broken into My own house to steal items that I had requested through My lawyer just 2 days before, I discontinued the auto-payments of the house taxes and cancelled the house insurance. We were in pre-trial not long after that; I had most of My stuff and a 50% buy-out of the house by early autumn; and a finalized divorce the following spring.)

 

No mercy. Seriously. Playing nice just prolongs the agony with someone like that.

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Pandora, you owe nothing to a verbally abusive mooch. He owes you... Big time.

 

I'd be inclined to put the house on the market, give your uncle the minimum required notice by law (generally 1 or 2 months), install locks and/or alarms where required to protect valuable stuff from vindictive "disappearing" or destruction, and call the cops on him and get him evicted or even arrested at the faintest scent of a threat.

 

Every time he tries guilt-tripping, mouthing off at you or some other stunt, I strongly recommend escalation to an even higher level. (Suggestions: Empty the fridge and eat elsewhere; downgrade household services such as Internet; sell the TV and air conditioner on EBay... :grin:) Just keep reloading and firing with unexpected encroachments on his comfort zone, making the house less and less desirable for him to live in.

 

(Been there, done that, successfully forced an abusive mooch's hand. After running for My life from My ex-spouse, I started by disconnecting utilities, forcing Whatsisname to apply for them in his own name. The following spring, when he claimed I had broken into My own house to steal items that I had requested through My lawyer just 2 days before, I discontinued the auto-payments of the house taxes and cancelled the house insurance. We were in pre-trial not long after that; I had most of My stuff and a 50% buy-out of the house by early autumn; and a finalized divorce the following spring.)

 

No mercy. Seriously.

 

She is right. I don't know your uncle, but some people are just shit, and just because you happen to be related to them gives you no obligation to be their bitch. Relatives are supposed to love and support each other. If that is a one-way arrangement then the dictionary defines that as a parasite.

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It's one thing to mooch off your sister (or the like) and another to mooch off their kids. He knows his time is up and it's time to get going. He's just waiting for the ax to fall. He's probably hoping it won't but that's neither here nor there. You have your own life to lead and you already helped take care of your mom. If your uncle has no kids of his own (I don't) then you can still be there for him but just from a distance. If he doesn't appreciate that then that's his problem.

 

If one of my niece's was putting this much consideration into what to do with me after all that has happened in her life I would be touched. At an old age I would probably be a little scared as to what might become of me and how I might fit-in at the work place (things that I think most people think about) but if I knew I had someone there that cared that would make dealing with that all that much easier. No need for hand-holding but just someone who might be supportive (kind of why you came here I imagine) especially until I was back on an even keel.

 

mwc

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Give him the Big Boot. I would buy him a bus ticket far away and keep the truck and trade it in even if it is worth little.

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That is a tough situation. The bottom line is if your name is on the deed to the house, you can evict him. I don't know the eviction procedures in your state, but here you only have to give about three days notice, file a complaint in Court, pay some money to the Sheriff's Office and they get him out by force.

 

Not that it should come to that, but it is obvious that you can't go on living in this situation. I think you have already been more than generous. If others in the family don't like it, they can take him in.

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I see your point, but I don't think I'll be able to afford more than 2K.

 

After seeing more details the guy really does seem like a piece of work. I could continue to play devil's advocate :wicked: but you shouldn't have to put yourself at a disadvantage just to help him out when you really don't even owe him anything. At first I was thinking something along the lines that he wasn't getting a job because he was so busy helping your mom, but it's clearly not like that at all. Seems you guys have already bent over backwards for him.

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I see your point, but I don't think I'll be able to afford more than 2K.

 

I haven't read to the end of the thread yet and maybe someone else said it, too, but in my opinion, giving him a vehicle plus $2000 is the equivalence of what your mother said to give. It seems she did not say to give the vehicle but you are giving it because he needs it.

 

It seems your mother did not put him in her will--she just told you verbally what she hoped/wished you would do. I find that somewhat significant.

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I think Deva's advice is sound. Go ahead and give the generous terms you have outlined; that way, your rather unsupportive relatives will have no reasonable basis for making you the villain. They want you to put up with him so they don't have to.

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