jblueep Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 This is my first post. I really appreciate everyone in this forum for their honesty and thoughtfulness. In a nutshell: I am questioning everything I have believed, but mostly I think coming to terms with everything I already knew or suspected all along. As background information: I haven't just played church. I have taken it as truth and truly believed it almost my entire life. In fact, I am currently leading the two small groups/meetings in my church that have to most life in them. It's complicated to say the least I'm not an artistic person by nature...mostly left brained...but here's an unfinished poem that wrote itself in a few minutes: Through smoke and mirrors and rope a dope I doubled down till I was broke My willing mind would not retreat I could not see my own deceit Kept in check by analogies From me to them and back to me And metaphors that seemed to fit And accolades from wit to wit All that was good was counted for All that was not was just ignored But not from lies or ill intent Just an effort to pay the rent On what we all believed to be The truth of what we could not see When all we knew never revealed itself to me, the deal was sealed I am shipwrecked as they would say Because I chose to walk away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeasabird Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 That was cool, thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading your full story if you get a chance to write it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblueep Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 That was cool, thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading your full story if you get a chance to write it. Just read your Ex-timony. Thank you for posting that. We have a lot in common. I spent a great deal of years reconciling the inconsistencies or the Bible and can (or thought I could) explain away a lot of them, but some are just unexplainable in any context. The conclusion I'm coming to now is: If some parts are not true or are clear contradictions to other parts, than how can any of it be true? And if it's not true, then my entire context of God (and God himself) is in question. Like you (at least in your post), "atheist" is a tough word for me. I'm not sure what I am at this point. Anyway, thanks again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I love your poem. It's simple, yet you have managed to capture some pretty intense emotions within that simplicity- desolation, despair, grief, and a certain sense of loneliness. I love it. I'd be tempted to leave it as it is I deconverted last weekend, but mine was a long, slow journey. More than anything else, I just feel relieved right now. I struggled so hard this year. Having the support of my (adopted in the last three years) parents, and meeting my fiancee with his very unreligious background, was a huge help, but by the same token, neither Dan, nor my parents understood what I was going through because they'd never been religious like I had. Dad is actually a second generation pagan, and mum went to a catholic boarding school, but was never big on religion. I still haven't found another deconvert in this town so far. Until I joined this forum a few days ago I felt so incredibly alone. I felt like no-one understood what I was going through. Also like you, I'm having a tough time with the word "atheist". From my understanding, I think pantheistic would better describe me. I'm pretty comfortable with the pagan outlook on life, and I think "pantheist" is possibly more where I'm at. I'm not sure. I'm still getting used to the idea that god is gone, and I know so much less about everything than I thought, because it was all tainted by religion. I've never even really learnt basic scientific stuff, because religion was so entrenched in me that I just had an automated response to everything scientific: "whatever". Fortunately, though, my fiancee is from a scientifically-minded family, so he's going to help me learn at least the basics. Actually, I can't quite believe I ended up at this point, nor how quickly the end, when it occured, happened. I'd been watching doco after doco and suddenly it was just like 'bang!' in my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblueep Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 ...Actually, I can't quite believe I ended up at this point, nor how quickly the end, when it occured, happened... The rapid unraveling once we "went there" with our thoughts was truly astonishing to my wife and me. Thanks for liking the poem. I think it will fill in a bit as my new reality takes shape a bit more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Why not make a new poem? Do a series of poems, instead of jamming it all into one? Because you may very well lose the impact of this one by doing so. I write some poetry, but I find I can only write with impact in that moment, and when it's happening, it's happening, and when it's not, well, anything I write is shit. It's very frustrating. And I only ever seem to be able to write at night. Writing is a form of torture. I spent 3 years working on a book, and scrapped the whole thing, and now I'm starting again. It's pure torture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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