Emotional Abuse And Its Consequences

[Legion]

I believe of all the threads I've opened, this may be the most relevant to us. I've come into a greater awareness of my own cognitive disturbances and their causes. I suspect that I'm not alone in these matters.

 

My stepdad abused me. It was mostly just emotional abuse. Notice how I downplay its significance? That is deliberate.

 

The fact remains that this type of abuse, as subtle as it may be, has significant impacts upon people. It has profoundly affected me, as I suspect it has profoundly affected many others here at ex-C. I now have much diminished emotional self awareness. I often have difficulty knowing what I'm feeling, and even when I can sense my own emotional condition, I often have great difficulty naming the emotions. Because of this, I have an impaired ability to regulate myself and the attendant consequences of poor self awareness.

 

I don't believe my stepdad was consciously aware of what he was doing. I strongly suspect that he himself suffered emotional abuse as a child.

 

Here are a couple of links out of many which I could have put here. There may be others which provide more detailed and thorough considerations. But I wanted to put something here for those who wish to explore this further.

 

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

 

http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

 

The first is an overview of emotional abuse, while the second focuses on invalidation which is the name given to a specific form of emotional abuse.

 

My intent here is not to garner sympathy for myself, but rather I wish to help others who may struggle with these issues. I believe that I may yet have time to heal to some extent. But I would not have known where to focus my efforts if other people had not brought my attention to this.

 

If these things apply to any of you who read this, I extend my best wishes to you as you heal and grow.

[Guest end3]

I believe of all the threads I've opened, this may be the most relevant to us. I've come into a greater awareness of my own cognitive disturbances and their causes. I suspect that I'm not alone in these matters.

 

My stepdad abused me. It was mostly just emotional abuse. Notice how I downplay its significance? That is deliberate.

 

The fact remains that this type of abuse, as subtle as it may be, has significant impacts upon people. It has profoundly affected me, as I suspect it has profoundly affected many others here at ex-C. I now have much diminished emotional self awareness. I often have difficulty knowing what I'm feeling, and even when I can sense my own emotional condition, I often have great difficulty naming the emotions. Because of this, I have an impaired ability to regulate myself and the attendant consequences of poor self awareness.

 

I don't believe my stepdad was consciously aware of what he was doing. I strongly suspect that he himself suffered emotional abuse as a child.

 

Here are a couple of links out of many which I could have put here. There may be others which provide more detailed and thorough considerations. But I wanted to put something here for those who wish to explore this further.

 

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

 

http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

 

The first is an overview of emotional abuse, while the second focuses on invalidation which is the name given to a specific form of emotional abuse.

 

My intent here is not to garner sympathy for myself, but rather I wish to help others who may struggle with these issues. I believe that I may yet have time to heal to some extent. But I would not have known where to focus my efforts if other people had not brought my attention to this.

 

If these things apply to any of you who read this, I extend my best wishes to you as you heal and grow.

 

Yes, it's like having to first understand the cause, the "why", of why I differ, and then start a new path. And then it still doesn't go away emotionally, just rationally.

 

Thank you for the thread L.

[Legion]

Yes, it's like having to first understand the cause, the "why", of why I differ, and then start a new path. And then it still doesn't go away emotionally, just rationally.

 

I'm not sure I follow you here End. I feel like I'm trying to connect the dots. Could you perhaps re-word this and elaborate upon it?

 

Thank you for the thread L.

 

You're most welcome my man.

[Guest end3]

In my case L, I had become angry as a means to cope with the hurt. The inward anger then turned itself outward to everyone I encountered during the day and eventually grew to disdain for most everyone. Lashing out, not that those I encounted had done wrong, but more of a "trust check" or defense mechanism to not allow for open, inital trust. I assmue the logic was if they came back, there was a chance they wouldn't leave and I would be safe from the hurt of loss.

 

I was never angry at children or elderly people, but they don't do anything really that makes you question which "side" they are on. Children trust openly, and old folks, even though they don't trust openly, they have the wisdom of not speaking much.

 

So my person was an entity of hurt, anger, and hate. And I grew to think this normal and actually grew to like the feeling. To this day, if I have stress, I will want to move back into that isolation.......it's easy to do, just call someone an ass or tell them get f---ked.

 

It's so natural for me, but you know it's different at the same time. And the isolation gets to you also. I want friends, I want to not teach my children this....etc.

 

So it took many many years just to understand the manifestion of my current state of being....and then learn the triggering mechanisms (words, events) that send me back into that need to isolate myself mode.

 

So now I am more rational and less "triggery", but as I was saying, the hurt never really leaves.....all there is is behavior modification, perscription and otc drugs to zombie out of those really bad days.

[stryper]

forgiveness is accepting that the past could ever be any different then it was.

 

The abuse happened. It is a part of who you are. Accepting that it happened does not mean it was okay. It does not mean you have to see that person ever again. It is merely saying....yes this happened.

 

For me, this process involved writing an email to my father basically stating I had no intention of every seeing or communicating with him in this life. It took me an over an hour to write it. Then I sat there for 20 minutes just rewriting, editing and staring at it. I contemplated exactly what this would mean. How it would probably hurt him. How it may or not affect my children, since they never met him I doubt it will. I thought about just not sending it.

 

Then I had a powerful aural hallucination. I 'heard' a child whimpering. I felt fear, confusion, desperation, etc. I moved the mouse to hit send and the child screamed. I turned my thoughts inward and wrapped the in comfort and love and hit send.

 

It took me over 30 years to get to that point. But in doing it, I took control over my healing.

 

I cannot change what he did growing up. I cannot make him become the father I wanted him to be. He could not heal me. Only I can do that.

 

The same applies to all who have been abused. It is up to you to heal you. Yes the other harmed you in some manner. Sometimes they did so for decades. Sometimes, as Pudd mentioned, they still try to even when you no longer live there. The path to healing is not always easy.

 

What I have found is that since then, I have been strangely calmer in general. I have more patience with my children and wife. I also have become more outspoken about things when I disagree with someone in authority. I feel safe.

 

He cannot hurt me anymore. I may be hurt by others in future, but because I dealt with that pain. I can deal with future pain. Doesn't mean that I will seek out that kind of hurt in the future or that is okay, just that I know I will heal should it happen again.

[Legion]

End I saw you so human there. You nearly came through my computer monitor. Flesh and blood. Manifest consciousness. Manifest life.

[Guest end3]

forgiveness is accepting that the past could ever be any different then it was.

 

The abuse happened. It is a part of who you are. Accepting that it happened does not mean it was okay. It does not mean you have to see that person ever again. It is merely saying....yes this happened.

 

For me, this process involved writing an email to my father basically stating I had no intention of every seeing or communicating with him in this life. It took me an over an hour to write it. Then I sat there for 20 minutes just rewriting, editing and staring at it. I contemplated exactly what this would mean. How it would probably hurt him. How it may or not affect my children, since they never met him I doubt it will. I thought about just not sending it.

 

Then I had a powerful aural hallucination. I 'heard' a child whimpering. I felt fear, confusion, desperation, etc. I moved the mouse to hit send and the child screamed. I turned my thoughts inward and wrapped the in comfort and love and hit send.

 

It took me over 30 years to get to that point. But in doing it, I took control over my healing.

 

I cannot change what he did growing up. I cannot make him become the father I wanted him to be. He could not heal me. Only I can do that.

 

The same applies to all who have been abused. It is up to you to heal you. Yes the other harmed you in some manner. Sometimes they did so for decades. Sometimes, as Pudd mentioned, they still try to even when you no longer live there. The path to healing is not always easy.

 

What I have found is that since then, I have been strangely calmer in general. I have more patience with my children and wife. I also have become more outspoken about things when I disagree with someone in authority. I feel safe.

 

He cannot hurt me anymore. I may be hurt by others in future, but because I dealt with that pain. I can deal with future pain. Doesn't mean that I will seek out that kind of hurt in the future or that is okay, just that I know I will heal should it happen again.

 

A child crying is a trigger for me S. I don't know why. Makes me want to stop the source of the child's suffering.....like perpitrating physical violence type way.

[stryper]

it's worse when you realize they are crying because you lost your temper over something stupid.

 

Thus it's become expected between my son and myself that when I do screw up, he kinda waits for me to come back, give him a hug and cuddle for awhile. I usually tell him why I was wrong, but at 4yrs old I don't think he gets that just yet. Though he has started to apologize for things too. Kids are great mimics.

[FeelHappy]

I think this was one of many reasons I left christianity.

 

I suffered emotional, physical and sexual abuse at various times during my childhood, mostly I've recovered but still have moments of desperation.

 

My ex-fiance suffered these same things and had far worse times with sexual / emotional abuse, I later realized she's border-line (although she's not aware of this, I'm 95% sure), and it kind of hit me. Why would god allow those who suffer most as children to have the most lasting torments as adults. Surely god would take more care for the hurting not punish them further. Sadly people heal the same and there's no miracle cure.

[Legion]

Whew, man. I am over here dealing with a wild and rich set of thoughts and emotions.

 

Thanks End, Stryper, FeelHappy.

[Margee]

http://eqi.org/invalid.htm THIS!!! invalidation.

 

 

Invalidation is the worst feeling in the world to me. If anything can still send me over the edge - it is someone not really listening to me and validating what I have said. It's one of the reasons I love to say thank you so much here at EX-c and give out tons of reputation points....I love to validate them and thank them for the hard work they put into their posts and thoughts. If it wasn't so silly, i would give a reputation point to every person who ever even makes the effort to share something that I might need to hear or just to validate that I heard them. It's not about seeing who can get the most points.....

 

I am not even near 100% of validating people the way I would like to, but I'm working on it.

 

People do not validate each other enough.

 

I am just reading this thread for now, but thank you Legion, for posting it.

[VacuumFlux]

Thus it's become expected between my son and myself that when I do screw up, he kinda waits for me to come back, give him a hug and cuddle for awhile. I usually tell him why I was wrong, but at 4yrs old I don't think he gets that just yet. Though he has started to apologize for things too. Kids are great mimics.

 

:-) That story makes me happy for your and your son. My parents rarely ever apologized for anything, and when I was a teenager and upset on behalf of a friend my age whose new stepmom was trying to enforce all sorts of new rules that weren't sitting well (along with obvious favoritism for her own, much younger, children over her step-kids), they insisted that even though the stepmom was probably being unwise, my friend was entirely morally at fault because the role of a child is to obey. I was often forced to apologise for things when I didn't even understand what I'd done wrong, and always saw it as a negative thing and a punishment, instead of a healthy way to mend a damaged relationship. Now, when I feel like I've screwed up, I sometimes have panic attacks and want to never talk to the person I've potentially hurt again because I think it's all over and I don't want to face the pain of how much they're going to hate me now. But once I calm down a bit and actually try to talk it over, I find that I'm much more upset about it than they are, and a simple "oops, sorry" is all the more my friends want from me (and they're kinda weirded out if I overreact and try too hard to make up for something that they weren't really hurt by in the first place). So I'm quite happy to hear about healthier parenting styles, and that you as a father can recognise that admitting your mistakes to your son won't make him loose respect for you.

[Legion]

You're welcome Margee. And thank you.

 

Yeah as I scanned through those variations on invalidation, I could really see my stepdad's behavior in them. I suspect when next I see him, he will be much more transparent to me. I will be able to see what he is doing, perhaps even better than he himself does.

 

Edit: I just had the thought. I don't require much if any validation, but invalidation strikes me as a trespass for sure.

 

Further edit: Maybe it's only a trespass if I don't anticipate it. In being able to anticipate it, it merely becomes a curiosity and then a bore.

[stryper]

:-) That story makes me happy for your and your son. My parents rarely ever apologized for anything, and when I was a teenager and upset on behalf of a friend my age whose new stepmom was trying to enforce all sorts of new rules that weren't sitting well (along with obvious favoritism for her own, much younger, children over her step-kids), they insisted that even though the stepmom was probably being unwise, my friend was entirely morally at fault because the role of a child is to obey. I was often forced to apologise for things when I didn't even understand what I'd done wrong, and always saw it as a negative thing and a punishment, instead of a healthy way to mend a damaged relationship. Now, when I feel like I've screwed up, I sometimes have panic attacks and want to never talk to the person I've potentially hurt again because I think it's all over and I don't want to face the pain of how much they're going to hate me now. But once I calm down a bit and actually try to talk it over, I find that I'm much more upset about it than they are, and a simple "oops, sorry" is all the more my friends want from me (and they're kinda weirded out if I overreact and try too hard to make up for something that they weren't really hurt by in the first place). So I'm quite happy to hear about healthier parenting styles, and that you as a father can recognise that admitting your mistakes to your son won't make him loose respect for you.

 

Thanks Vaccum!

 

Part of the healing process for me has been to just do what I feel I need to. Such as the hug and cuddling. The problem usually arises afterward. See, when you say the bolded, I know what you mean. EDIT: Usually though I end up beating my self up over the mistake I made, sort of a self-flagellation if you will.

 

Part of the status update that I posted to day was in from much longer channeling with Micheal that another student had about dealing with anger. When I read the part that I posted it occured to me that young children don't recognize subtle differences. They do and don't, black and white, it is or it isn't. That is just where their psychology is at the time.

 

So, for example my son was read a story and tucked in. I was then having to deal with my daughter who woke up. Son kept getting up out of bed to come in and see what is going on. Several factors motivated him to do this. From pure curosity, possible jealousy, fear of the dark, etc. But ultimately the point was to be near daddy. I get frustrated and tell him to go back to bed. When he gets in trouble and told to essentially go away, he sees it as rejection. But because of where he is. It gets interpreted as rejection of ALL of him and not rejection of the unwanted behavior.

 

So it becomes "I wanted to be near daddy and daddy rejected me". Growing up it would be days sometimes weeks before I became aware that my dad even acknowledged my existence after he got mad about something. That is not something I want him to think.

 

I guess I also want him to realize that while we do know more about life then he does, it doesn't mean everything we, as parents, do is always right or correct.

 

You never stop learning. There is always a "better" way. Well that's not quite right, but I can't think of better description.

[London]

You never stop learning. There is always a "better" way. Well that's not quite right, but I can't think of better description.

 

I totally understand what you are saying.

 

The more we learn, the more we evolve to a greater understanding.

 

And I just wanted to add.

 

Many times people who have suffered abuse of any kind will feel like they are the damaged person. And it's hard not to feel that way. But the reality is, a damaged person harmed you. You did nothing wrong to deserve that. And taking on the persona of the damaged person is how it all perpetuates.

 

It's when you realize that you always were a good person and something bad happened to you, that it can make it easier to understand that you are not the bad person. People who are abused will grow up continuing to abuse themselves because abuse destroys your view of your self worth.

 

There was never anything wrong with you as a person. Being abused teaches us that we are unworthy. Which is quite false, we are worthy and we were abused. It's really easy to connect the abuse as validation of a lesser self worth. And not to minimize abuse but, it's like if someone came up and randomly punched you in the gut. Your first reaction would be, WTF?? Would you assume you didn't have any value/worth? No, you would not immediately think that. But because abuse occurs over long time periods it becomes part of our identity, hence value/worth.

 

Bad person

Bad events

Self

 

--- that's how it get's connected to identity.

 

Bad person - - - - - Bad events - - - - - - - Self

 

-- that is how it looks when you remove it from your identity.

 

You don't go in denial, you remove it from your self worth. You are not the bad person and you don't have to behave like the bad person. It's not who you are, it's what happened to you. When a perspective changes, events change.

 

I just wanted to share that, and it's not really directed toward any person in particular.

[Ro-bear]

I went to the invalidation site. It runs a bit long on what's wrong and a bit short on how to do better. I found some suggestions, but it took some digging.

 

Everyone I know is guilty of this. I am embarassed to say how many years I was with my wife before I figured out that when she complains about this or that she does not necessarily want me to fix her problem; she just wants some understanding, sympathy, support, etc. So I'm better at dealing with her, anyway. Much of my improvement has come in the form of just holding her and saying nothing. But the rest of the world is still getting its share of "What the fuck is your problem?" from me because I am not patient enough to approach every person as if I were a psychotherapist. People don't go around with "wounded" tattooed on their foreheads, so it's hard to know how sensitive one must be in a given scenario.

 

I would like an inservice on invalidation a hell of a lot more than some of the worthless crap they try to feed teachers. I think it would be more conducive to good teaching.

[Margee]

 

There was never anything wrong with you as a person. Being abused teaches us that we are unworthy. Which is quite false, we are worthy and we were abused. It's really easy to connect the abuse as validation of a lesser self worth. And not to minimize abuse

 

Thank you for that post London - you got me crying at my computer........

 

......maybe this is why I have this real need to be validated (and heard) in my older years.......

[London]

There was never anything wrong with you as a person. Being abused teaches us that we are unworthy. Which is quite false, we are worthy and we were abused. It's really easy to connect the abuse as validation of a lesser self worth. And not to minimize abuse

 

Thank you for that post London - you got me crying at my computer........

 

......maybe this is why I have this real need to be validated (and heard) in my older years.......

 

<gives Margee a big hug>

 

Validate yourself first and your need from others diminishes. Then when you do need validation from others it is actually a healthy validation.

 

<grabs Margee and starts dancing>

[Deva]

My intent here is not to garner sympathy for myself, but rather I wish to help others who may struggle with these issues. I believe that I may yet have time to heal to some extent. But I would not have known where to focus my efforts if other people had not brought my attention to this.

 

If these things apply to any of you who read this, I extend my best wishes to you as you heal and grow.

 

I hope you are sincere and genuine in what you say here. If so, it is a distinct improvement from your recent behavior on this site. And by saying this I don't wish to diminish in the least the very moving responses of others in this thread.

[stryper]

http://validatingmichael.com/Michael_Teachings/2012/03/18/validating-relationship-agreements

 

 

This a blog posted by one of my friends on the Micheal teachings site that I felt like sharing. Not really sure why. but here it is.

[Kurari]

I know this all too well. I've suffered emotion, physical, and sexual abuse. Of all of it, I think the emotional abuse was the worst of it all.

 

Thanks for the link. I've bookmarked it and I will bring it up to my therapist. I think she'd like to see it as well.

[Legion]

Deva, I think it is somewhat crass of you to come in this thread and question my sincerity. But I understand. We live in an age of knowledge and deception. And to compound this, we are interacting through a medium which does not allow for you to hear the tone of my voice, or see my body language, or any of the other meatspace indicators.

 

I am sincere. I can feel myself growing more powerful and self-assured with my increasing emotional awareness and integration. I genuinely want others here to experience this too.

[Deva]

Deva, I think it is somewhat crass of you to come in this thread and question my sincerity. But I understand. We live in an age of knowledge and deception. And to compound this, we are interacting through a medium which does not allow for you to hear the tone of my voice, or see my body language, or any of the other meatspace indicators.

 

I am sincere. I can feel myself growing more powerful and self-assured with my increasing emotional awareness and integration. I genuinely want others here to experience this too.

 

Legion you know perfectly well you don't give a damn about my feelings. Stop pretending.

 

As far as the rest of it goes - I really do hope you are sincere.

[Legion]

It seems to me that there will likely be few constructive interactions between us Deva.

 

I will do my part to avoid you.

[Legion]

Legion you know perfectly well you don't give a damn about...

 

I wasn't going to say anything, but I can't let this go.

 

How can you know what I know? Or what I care about? I know these things, and sometimes poorly. How could you know?