A Story Of Coming Out: " Trapped " Is Now " Thought2Much "

[Thought2Much]

Yesterday was the day I finally told the truth about my beliefs to my wife. It went better than I hoped for in some ways, and worse in others.

 

Yesterday morning, in an incident almost totally unrelated to what happened later in the day, I returned the church key that I've had for over ten years. I gave it to my nephew the worship leader. I told him that it had been given to me at a time when they were tossing keys to everyone, and I didn't see any purpose in me having one. He laughed, and said that at least now people won't call me expecting me to open up the building for them. Neither one of us made a big deal about it, but I didn't let on that there were more serious implications to this.

 

What I had told no one before yesterday was that I had made the decision that one way or another, this would be my last day in church.

 

I did my usual gig in the sound booth. My wife took the kids upstairs. My father in-law got started with some nonsense about how Obama wants the government to take the responsibility for raising our children and something about the end times. I got in the car and went home for half an hour, since the church is only five minutes from my house.

 

When I returned, the service wasn't over yet, so I started to make my to the children's room by way of the fellowship hall. When I opened the door to the fellowship hall, standing right by the door was my wife. In tears.

 

She asked me where I went. I didn't see any point in lying, so I simply said, "Home." She said that she had come downstairs because she wanted to sit with me in the service, which she never gets to do because she's always with the kids.

 

She turned around and started walking away from me, and said, "Do you do this every week?" I didn't answer, because it didn't seem like she actually wanted one.

 

We went upstairs without saying anything, and hung around with our kids in the nursery until the service was done. After we got home, she didn't say anything to me, and she barely said anything to the kids. We went through dinner without saying a word directly to each other.

 

After the kids were in bed, I sat next to her. Neither one of us said anything for what felt like forever. I finally said, "Neither one of us is good at communicating when we're not happy about something. It's always been a problem for us."

 

That seemed to get things going. We talked for a long time. I told her how I felt about the church, and how I had gone for years just to make her happy. I told her how I've lost all my belief, and how it's been that way for a long time. She asked me why, and I told her there were a lot of reasons. She asked me if I had ever felt the presence of God, and I told her that I thought I had, but that I now realize it was all in my own head.

 

She's not threatening divorce, and the conversation ended in a long hug. However, she told me she feels so alone, and that now she feels like she doesn't even have me anymore.

 

We still aren't sure how things will be going forward.

 

I'm still trying to parse everything that happened yesterday. I think my marriage will survive this. I don't think it will be easy.

 

I'm glad this part is now over.

[Margee]

Good morning Thought2much! I am so used to you being 'trapped' - I'll have to get used to this new name - but I really like it better than trapped!! This post of yours dosen't sound as bad as what I thought it was going to. You know, one of the things I think happens when we tell anyone of our unbelief is it scares the daylights out of them because I feel everyone has these doubts and won't and don't 'voice' them. As long as everyone keeps believing - nobody has to question anything and all seems secure.

 

This forces people to look at what they believe and it is scary shit. The 'heavenly father' has been inplanted in our minds since we were very young and therefore - it becomes part of who we are and what we believe about life. If someone came to you today and said the sky's color is not blue, but black...you would have a hard time accepting that. I can barely call you 'thought2much' right now because I got used to you being 'trapped'. To me, you are still Trapped'. Do you see what i mean?

 

Sounds like she needs to just digest this. You can help her with the scary parts. You've been on this site long enough to have some great information on how to present this to her. I am feeling in my heart that you guys will be able to work through this. You know, that I wish you the best. I sure hope you feel relieved.

 

How does it feel to you, now that the truth is out? Hug for you today.

[bronxo]

I wish you best of luck, Trapped Thought2much. I hope something works out for both of you! I'm not married or in a relationship, but I find that being open about things never hurts in the long run. I applaud your courage.

[Thought2Much]

Margee, it feels pretty good. I still have concerns for the future, but I think a lot of the "darkness," for lack of a better word, is gone for now. Relieved is a good word to describe how I feel.

 

Bronxo, one thing I did tell my wife was that I hated not being able to tell her the truth. I told her that my biggest regret was not telling her about my doubts sooner.

[freeasabird]

I think Margee hit it on the head. Based solely on what you wrote it sounded like you get the best possible outcome. The fact that she kept close to you and gave you a huge long hug at the end of the conversation says soooo much. I received much more distance and coldness so you are well ahead of where I was at this stage.

 

Now she has to deal with her own thoughts. She may dig in her heels or she may follow you out; only time will tell. What you need to do is just be available for her when she needs you. Be available to talk put don't be pushy, don't share any Youtube videos, and most definitely don't use any disparaging words against religion, like "fundy" or anything of the like. Best wishes and definitely keep us posted.

[CMR]

I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you it's all going to be alright. I do think it will be alright. Hang in there!

[Positivist]

Wow! T2M, I applaud you! This breaking point has now become a release valve and I hope you can start to decompress. 'Thinking too much' is definitely dangerous in Christianity.

 

I must admit, late last night I read your closing comment in your last thread as "Trapped", and I actually felt like praying for you. LOL! I guess you can take comfort that things went relatively well, considering no one was praying for you. Kinda says something, you know?

 

I am very happy for you, that you can now move onto the next phase.

 

Peace, friend!

[Thought2Much]

Freeasabird, I agree that this couldn't have gone much better than it did, considering that my wife still believes. I definitely wasn't planning on sending her links to videos or anything like that. I specifically told her I wasn't going to try to convince her of my point of view. I also let her know that no one convinced me, either, but I came to my conclusions on my own.

 

She did say that she wants me to "keep searching." I told her I did search, and this is the conclusion I came to. She said she wants me to keep searching anyway. We'll see what happens.

 

CMR, I'll take all the hugs I can get right now. Thank you.

[Thought2Much]

Wow! T2M, I applaud you! This breaking point has now become a release valve and I hope you can start to decompress. 'Thinking too much' is definitely dangerous in Christianity.

 

I must admit, late last night I read your closing comment in your last thread as "Trapped", and I actually felt like praying for you. LOL! I guess you can take comfort that things went relatively well, considering no one was praying for you. Kinda says something, you know?

 

I am very happy for you, that you can now move onto the next phase.

 

Peace, friend!

 

Thanks. I knew you guys all had my back, even if I wasn't being prayed for. You have all given me the courage to do what needed to be done, and to face what may be a long road ahead.

 

Thank you so much.

[Thought2Much]

Some things we're not looking forward to, and we have no idea how we're going to handle them:

• Her dad. She wants him to retire. Now. She doesn't want to go to his church anymore, either, because she knows that her dad just hasn't "got it" anymore, and she wouldn't go if another pastor took over. If we leave, she's afraid that will kill her dad. She has said that her dad also wants to retire, but I told her that it seems like he's waiting for some candidate to just walk in the front door of the church one day, when what he really needs to do is call the Assemblies of God New Jersey district office and tell them he wants out, and to start hunting for a replacement. Otherwise, he will eventually die, and the church will die with him, because he's waiting on God instead of taking action. She agreed with all of this. I don't know what she's going to do, but I can't go back to the church. I just can't. I've compromised for YEARS about this. I'm done compromising on that front. DONE. This will mean she'll have to explain what's going on, and I don't know if she's ready to do that yet.
  
• The kids. We don't know how we're going to handle religion now. This could be the cause of some pretty ugly battles. We'll just need to take this one day at a time.
  

[ConureDelSol]

Not to say you should suck up to your wife, but I do think that you should use Sundays to do something productive. Cook a dinner for the family, clean the house, go get groceries, that sort of thing. I know one thing some Christians would do is criticize people for not doing anything on Sunday. If you do something that benefits the family while they're away at church, it may help them to see a bright side to you not being there for the sermon.

 

A million hugs to you though! When I first heard your story, I wondered if you would ever be able to get out! I actually counted myself lucky thinking I might be out before you! Here you are, beating me to it! I'm quite the gracious loser though so well played, sir! As far as the kids, I haven't dealt with that myself, so I can't give any useful info.

[darwinfish]

I'm hope the best for you and your family. I'm so glad thought you were able to tell your wife about your disbelief. I know the road ahead is going to be a rocky one. She's going to feel scared and lonely without you sharing her beliefs, not to mention Heaven. Dealing with the kids, is definitely going to be an issue. It's a big first step, but I'm so glad you did it! Good luck, Tra, um, Thought2Much.

[electech98]

Thought2Much: despite having only been on this board a short while, and now going through my own coming out to my wife, I feel an even closer bond with you now.

 

Continue to stay strong for your wife...show her you are not just a shell of who you used to be. That's one thing my wife is struggling with - she can't depend on me for her "spiritual guidance" anymore, but I continue to emphasize that I am still ME, and that I can still encourage and uplift and give advice and LOVE just like before.

[mymistake]

I take it you don't feel trapped anymore, Thought2Much. I remember back when I had not yet talked with my wife it was a heavy burden and the fear of what would happen was worse than the reality of telling her. I can't promise that your experience will be the same but there is a good chance that your marriage runs deeper than your wife's cult. I hope the best for you.

[roadrunner]

wow congrats!!! me you and electech98 all in the same week!!! is this out of the closet week or what. Before I told my wife friday, i thought that "once she knows, I can make my way through the rest beucase shes all that matters" As much as I dreaded telling her, I see it as the first and most difficult hurdle in an obstacle course with no end in sight. Please keep in touch with me. Im glad that I've got you guys to lean on. Im not gonna lie I feel a huge weight ifted off but I have no clue how to move forward from here.

[LivingLife]

For you guys that came out to your spouse recently, I am going to hijack this thread for one post.

 

My situation was not the same but the story I am about to tell you are welcome to share if it will help at all.

 

I was the P&W leader in my church and then my dad took ill with Alzheimer's. My dad was a xian for 60+ years and after he started to get aggressive towards my mom, I had to move them out of their house and into the guest house I was renovating. Eventually he became very high maintenance and my son used to do the sound board too. We both had to step down and take turns in looking out for my dad and mom.

 

Soon the situation became overwhelming and I cried out to gawd to send someone to minister to me. No one came.

 

Eventually out of desperation I called the pastor who as you may have read was at one time my golf partner. He came and ministered - we cried a lot and for awhile it got better with the pastor actually making an effort to get us a wheelchair.

 

Eventually my son who was only 15/16 at the time had to sleep over and help my mom and get my dad on the commode before he went into diapers. The guest house was next door to my original house. So we had to make a plan and at the time my finances were OK as I had taken a 2nd bond on the house which we were living off.

 

In this time I saw elders pass my house. I live in a busy street. Not once did they stop and just come in to give an attaboy. We had tithed faithfully and I had served for over 8 years in the P&W team and had essentially kitted out the band with instruments, mics and amplifiers. Despite all this, no one was even led to come to our aid in time of need. It is not fun watching someone you love die.

 

In the end when it was almost over, I had to call on my dad's church's ministers to come minister to him. They too missed the holy spook memo.

 

When my dad died, I went back for a men's BBQ and that was the last time I set feet on the church's grounds. The folk were all full of sympathies and excuses that they did not realise it was so bad - Bullshit. A lot pitched for his funeral even though they did not know him.

 

In this time my wife and kids had witnessed what happened. I went searching for answers as this was not the god I thought I knew. I discovered UR and in my search went everywhere looking for the truth. This eventually led me to atheism. My wife was informed as I went through this process but the day I declared there is no god, she was like "But there must be?"

 

All I had to do was rewind the clock and remind her what happened in my dad's situation.

 

Today she is agnostic and we seldom talk about religion anymore. My son is atheist and my daughter is probably too. She is not planning on marrying in a church or a religious ceremony.

 

The big question here is "Where was god?" OR "Where was the leading of the all knowing holy spook?"

 

The results spoke for themselves.

 

My dad has been dead 7 years now. I never officially left the church. All I got was an email one day from the pastor quizzing me on a testimony I posted on their website that I had designed and published for them. Not one phone call and not one visit. He used to visit me at least 3 times a week when I was tithing big.

 

I was uber dedicated and in the end it all counted for naught. When the shit hit my fan, they did not or were not interested. Just another fallen statistic.

 

Of course, a visit or call would make no difference now as that bell has been rung and cannot be un-rung.

 

THIS is the reality of the xian god. When you really really need him to be there, he is strangely absent, almost as if he did not really exist........

[Thought2Much]

Not to say you should suck up to your wife, but I do think that you should use Sundays to do something productive.

 

I always wind up vacuuming or something whenever my wife leaves the house for a few hours, anyway. It's just standard procedure for me.

 

A million hugs to you though! When I first heard your story, I wondered if you would ever be able to get out! I actually counted myself lucky thinking I might be out before you! Here you are, beating me to it! I'm quite the gracious loser though so well played, sir!

 

Thanks. I think I just got tired of griping about my situation, and had to take action instead.

 

I'm hope the best for you and your family. I'm so glad thought you were able to tell your wife about your disbelief. I know the road ahead is going to be a rocky one. She's going to feel scared and lonely without you sharing her beliefs, not to mention Heaven. Dealing with the kids, is definitely going to be an issue. It's a big first step, but I'm so glad you did it! Good luck, Tra, um, Thought2Much.

 

Yes, it's going to be rough, I'm sure, but thanks for the encouragement.

 

Thought2Much: despite having only been on this board a short while, and now going through my own coming out to my wife, I feel an even closer bond with you now.

 

Continue to stay strong for your wife...show her you are not just a shell of who you used to be. That's one thing my wife is struggling with - she can't depend on me for her "spiritual guidance" anymore, but I continue to emphasize that I am still ME, and that I can still encourage and uplift and give advice and LOVE just like before.

 

I know. Especially since I'll probably be under intense scrutiny for quite a while. "Do his eyes glow in the dark? Does he chant satanic incantations in the middle of the night? Does he eat small children while we're not looking?"

 

I take it you don't feel trapped anymore, Thought2Much. I remember back when I had not yet talked with my wife it was a heavy burden and the fear of what would happen was worse than the reality of telling her. I can't promise that your experience will be the same but there is a good chance that your marriage runs deeper than your wife's cult. I hope the best for you.

 

I think I felt most trapped by the fact that I couldn't be open with my wife, and trapped by the fear of losing my family. I like to think that the rest will work itself out eventually. This is a load off of my mind, that's for sure.

 

wow congrats!!! me you and electech98 all in the same week!!! is this out of the closet week or what. Before I told my wife friday, i thought that "once she knows, I can make my way through the rest beucase shes all that matters" As much as I dreaded telling her, I see it as the first and most difficult hurdle in an obstacle course with no end in sight. Please keep in touch with me. Im glad that I've got you guys to lean on. Im not gonna lie I feel a huge weight ifted off but I have no clue how to move forward from here.

 

I think I decided to take the plunge when I saw what was happening with you guys. I finally reached a point where I had to just be honest about who I am.

 

LivingLife, I see what you're saying. I can see things the way you have, but I don't know if my wife will anytime in the near future. I don't have any illusions about deconverting her, at least not without something external to both of us causing her to really doubt.

[TortillaLips]

Can I highjack just for a brief moment?

 

I get married a week from now on 4/23/2012. I told my fiance recently that I do not believe the Christian God exists. Her being a Catholic, and me being a recovered Protestant, she got a bit upset. However I reminded her that in her 40+ being a Catholic, she knew NOTHING about God, NOTHING about the Bible, NOTHING about anything Judeo-Christian related, and that in effect, she too has been an unbeliever for a very long time. All she knows is praying like ta-da-ta-da-ta-da Heil Mary, full of grace, ta-da, ta-da, ta-da.....that's it! The Catholic church wants their perishers to be stupid sheep and most of them cooperate without any worry.

 

That argument made the difference.

[jblueep]

T2M...dude I'm proud of you and so happy for you!

 

What a weight lifted huh? I know you still have a lot of shit to wade through, but you are no doubt prepared, and it seems the love is there for you guys to make it through just fine.

 

Best wishes brother

[Thought2Much]

Thanks, jblueep.

 

Today was actually encouraging.

 

My wife called me a couple of times at work about perfectly mundane things. I got home, gave her my usual hello kiss, and we had a perfectly normal evening with the kids. We talked about what kind of cheese we should put in the mac and cheese later this week, and how my day went at work. No drama. No awkward silence. Just us as a family.

 

I don't know if everything will be okay when Sunday rolls around, but I'll worry about that when it gets here. For now, things look like they'll be okay.

[NeverAgainV]

Just WOW thought2much....sounds like it could have gone much worse. Talking is sure a good start. Many times when we talk heart to heart it opens our mind up.

I did find that the cult didn't allow for any heart to hearts, the relationships were always so damn superficial! So that is good you are talking to each other.

 

I'll just say that it is possible that someday she might actually see *it*. My husband became the doubter first, I was an on-fire believer, completely brainwashed.

I never ever would have imagined that I would have turned my back on xianity...but I did. My husband helped me to see the hypocrisies, inconsistencies & just plain cruelty that I had tried so hard to ignore or justify.

 

In the meantime I hope you can continue on as you are in relative peace & normalcy with your wife & kids. If you get a chance to place a nugget of truth here or there, you never know

if you might actually get through to her. I'm sure you will use your best judgement. It was very difficult for me to hear my husband "badmouth" the "church & pastor", but it really wasn't badmouthing them, he was speaking

his truth to me & what he saw. The rules regarding the pastor & "church" was to just ignore & gloss over those unpleasant realities, but my husband couldn't do that anymore & over time I couldn't either. He influenced me to open

my mind & dare to think outside of that box of dogma. We did a LOT of talking too.

 

My long winded point is, there is always HOPE. Congrats on your courage to speak your truth & I wish the best to you & your family. ((hug))

[TrueFreedom]

It's great to hear that you enjoyed some peaceful normalcy! I may have a few bumps, but I'm hopeful that it will get better!

[jdog]

YES! fabulous news Thought2Much, I like that you aren't Trapped anymore. The new name is good. I will probably do the abbreviation. T2M

 

I have been following your story and have been rooting for you all along and I am super happy that you are out and things are going well. I know you must be feeling light and a weight lifted. I hope things continue to go well.

 

I loved how you explained about your family time, about the mac and cheese and just mundane things. That is what marriage sometimes is. we talk about what we are going to eat for dinner. what work was like, what are we going to watch on tv. it's comforting and secure.

 

Hope things just get better and better. Cheering for you.

[Akheia]

I was a little nervous when I saw your other thread had closed... But wow, this was way better than I'd hoped. I'm so glad it worked out as well as it did.

[owen652]

congratulations man. i don't have any advice other than to try your darndest to prove to her that christians don't have the monopoly on love.