A Story Of Coming Out: " Trapped " Is Now " Thought2Much "

[blackpudd1n]

I am so happy for you, T2M I know the road ahead is unknown, but hey, your wife didn't chuck you out immediately, which gives me a lot of hope for you and your family. My greatest hope is that one day we'll meet your wife on here, as another ex-c. It might seem unlikely now, but 3 years ago I would have laughed if anyone had suggested that I'd be sitting here writing these words to you right now. I can see that you love your wife and family dearly. Clearly there are plenty of reasons outside of religion for that love. I think your wife will see that too. I wish I could talk to your wife, just tell her how clear it is that you love her deeply. It's beautiful to read the way way you have spoken about your struggle. You struggled so hard because you loved her and your kids so much. I wish you all the best for the future

[Zephie]

Yay! I'm glad that it turned out okay so far. Glad you are no longer Trapped.

[2Honest]

Wow, how did I miss this post yesterday? SO happy for you, T2M! And I love the fact that you changed your name - to me it's symbolic...like a line in the sand. I totally understand how you felt about deciding you just could not go back to church. I had the same experience. I didn't have to endure it for as long as you, and I gratefully was not alone in the process. But I just remember that intense feeling of not being able to go back. It became painful to be there and impossible to hide how I felt. It really was a "trapped" feeling! I'm so glad you don't have to endure that anymore.

 

I know there is still work to do on your marriage, but it does sound like your wife is going to be ok. She obviously loves you very much and is willing to stick together. I think you handled things really well with her. She will have a lot to sort through, but I think she will come around - or at least become more moderate/liberal in her beliefs.

 

Thanks for sharing this. It is obvious by the other posts that sharing your story has resonated with others here who have been through similar struggles (just as it was when you shared your original ex-timony). I know for me It gives me courage and motivation regarding coming out to my family. I've been avoiding it and afraid to tell them. But I know I'm going to have to be true to myself and be honest with them.

 

I wish you and your family all the best! Keep us posted on how things go. We're rooting for you!

[Thought2Much]

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. It really means a lot to me now, and that encouragement has been part of what has kept me going this long.

 

I had been mulling over the name change for a while, since I wanted it to be a symbol of the transition. Thought2Much seemed appropriate, since thinking seems to have gotten me into this mess to begin with (or out of the mess that is Christianity, depending on how you look at it). Of course, I only used the numeral "2" because the board software only allows display names of a certain length (why such short display names?).

 

I'm glad we've all been able to help each other, and that each one of us sharing our experiences has been able to give someone else the courage to take action, or given someone insight into how they should approach their own situation. It's really a beautiful thing, when you think about it.

[FeelHappy]

Have you decided anything about the children? How old are they?

 

I told my fiancee that I no longer believe in the traditional christian god (although left the possibility for belief in a non interventionist deist god), she's a nominal christian anyways so it wasn't the end of the world. I did agree to let her let the children be raised in a christian environment (schools and church) for the first dozen years of their life (I do get final say on any denomination I deem cultist).

 

Anyways part of me thinks if your children are younger (which is the impression I get), I almost think you should allow your wife to keep them in church and this should be a non issue. I know and respect your beliefs and would understand you not wanting them to have the xianty head games, but at the same time I almost look at it like when you married your wife you had a silent unspoken agreement to allow them to be raised in a church. Personally, if I was still a fundi I might (just might) accept my wife becoming atheist, but I'd never accept my children leaving church. I think that's a risky thing to ask for and I don't know your wife but that could end your marriage and you do seem to still love your wife. If this is really a major issue you could agree to read her Christianity recommendations if she'll read your secular recommendations, I can't imagine her staying in the fold long term. Just a thought take it or leave it.

[scriptor]

Glad to hear that things are going well so far T2M. Your story makes me extremely glad that my wife isn't a Christian. When I told her about my deconversion she was actually happy. All I have to worry about is how/when to tell my parents and my siblings.

 

Also, I like the new name. I'm sure things will continue to get better from here on out.

[Coconutz]

I'm so glad this situation turned out quite well for you T2M! I've been following your story from the start and I was nervous for you when you said you were going to let it all out. Hang in there with your wife - it's a shock for her - over time she'll see that you're the same person you were before you left Christianity and I'm sure that will give her comfort.

[Paine]

The thread that may bind all this together as other parts of this realization unravel will be the fact that, although you have been closeted, you were still YOU, and try as she might, she won't be able to say that you were suddenly a nasty, hedonistic atheist.

You didn't come out suddenly as some debauching miscreant who threw off the yoke of faith in order to feed your selfish side.

 

But the question of the faith choices for those small children you share will nag at her. This is far from over.

 

She has known you and loved you for all the time that you were doubting. She will come to learn, by your example, that "faithless heathens" are still good people and that one doesn't need a BOOK OF RULES to make you moral and good.

 

I admire your forthrightness with her. Tender as you go.... and good luck.

[Denyoz]

Hey ex-Trapped, I'm so happy to read all this stuff! So much excitement happened while I was away from this board, I don't know where to start:

 

1- I'm so proud of you! I had been waiting for this moment ever since I joined this site. I think your testimony was the first one I read, so it kinda stuck with me emotionally. I was so hoping you would tell your wife and stop going to church. Man, you did it! Big pat on the back and hey, a big hug too, why not. My esteem for you just went up a notch. If this was a video game, you'd be upgraded to the next level.

 

2- It's funny how it happened. I don't think you had planned it that way, your wife actually confronted you first (for your absence at church), setting the stage for you to explain yourself. Perfect! Almost as if God orchestrated it.

 

3- I think you did your wife and kids a big favour. Now when they have doubts, they'll have someone to share it with, someone trustworthy that will understand and not judge them. I bet even you never had this (aside from us, of course).

 

4- Now you don't have to go to church anymore, isn't that great! When everyone's away praying, you can vacuum the house in peace while watching porn.

 

5- As for your change of name, I'm glad you did that too.

 

6- Keep posting, I want to know how next Sunday will go.

 

7- What will people think? Bahhh, we would not worry about what pleople think about us if we knew how little they think about us.

[Thought2Much]

Thanks, Denyoz. That all means a lot to me.

 

Well, it turns out I do have to show my face at church this Sunday, but only because they're celebrating my father in-law's birthday.

 

However, my wife is talking about handing off being in charge of Sunday school to someone else very soon. She also asked me if I wanted to tell my nephew he'll need to find someone else to run the sound booth, or if she should tell him, so I know she's not anticipating me being there in the future.

 

I don't quite feel like I'm fully free yet, but I'm certainly a lot closer than I was a week ago.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Wow, I was nervous reading your OP, T2M, but it sounds as though you've handled this honestly and lovingly. I too feel from what you've said to keep us informed that the two of you will get through this part and be stronger and closer. I understand too about your father-in-law. He should realize that retirement is great - and that if he's like anyone else I know, he'll have plenty to do.

 

I gather that your wife feels alone as it is and at least at first feared that even you would become more distant, or that you wouldn't be the same "you." Just being there has already shown her that you're the same "you" and that you were so all the time. Plus no more need for cloaking the religious issue over.

 

Rock on in living life! I too am glad for your new name.

[Denyoz]

Well, it turns out I do have to show my face at church this Sunday, but only because they're celebrating my father in-law's birthday.

 

So how did it go at church today? Has the news spread? Are people looking at you funny? Do you feel different?

[Thought2Much]

We haven't told anyone at church yet, or anyone in Lilly's family. I'm pretty sure I just won't be there next week, and we'll see what happens from there.

[Positivist]

We haven't told anyone at church yet, or anyone in Lilly's family. I'm pretty sure I just won't be there next week, and we'll see what happens from there.

How are things with your wife? Is she coming to grips with your deconversion or is she a wreck over it?

 

Your FIL is going to have kittens over this, I'm sure. Eek!

[Thought2Much]

How are things with your wife? Is she coming to grips with your deconversion or is she a wreck over it?

 

Your FIL is going to have kittens over this, I'm sure. Eek!

 

Much to my surprise, my wife is definitely not a wreck. Not if this weekend was anything to go by. I won't say any more about that. <ahem>

 

My father in-law will definitely have something to say if he finds out. I don't know if he'll have the nerve to confront me directly, or if he'll only talk to my wife about it. We'll just have to see.

 

I don't know if my wife really cares all that much what anyone other than her father thinks. It may be a concern, but I don't think it overwhelms her.

[2Honest]

Much to my surprise, my wife is definitely not a wreck. Not if this weekend was anything to go by. I won't say any more about that. <ahem>

 

Yeah I gotta say, sex with heathens is hot.

[Positivist]

Much to my surprise, my wife is definitely not a wreck. Not if this weekend was anything to go by. I won't say any more about that. <ahem>

Yaah I gotta say, sex with heathens is hot.

LOL!!! T2M, maybe your wife has always secretly wanted to have sex with an atheist. 2H is right: it's hot!

[Thought2Much]

Ha-ha! You ladies are funny.

 

I have to say, this wasn't what I was expecting. Not that I'm complaining by any stretch of the imagination... it's just that I had mentally prepared myself for the possibility that I could be going months without getting any. My wife's reaction on the night that I told her was within my expectations. This last week hasn't been, but in the best way possible (and I don't just mean sex).

 

Maybe things are better since now she feels that everything is out in the open, where before she could tell that something was not quite right? I see that as a possibility.

 

EDIT: Even when I don't talk about what I'm feeling, I have the unfortunate character flaw of being completely emotionally transparent. I have no "game face." If I'm pissed off at something that someone says, it is completely obvious. In a way, this is good, because it makes me one of the more honest people you will ever meet, due to the fact that everyone can tell when I'm lying, so I just try not to lie very often. It could be that knowing that something was bothering me, but not knowing what it was, has been negatively affecting us for a long time.

[TrueFreedom]

I'm so happy for you guys! It's bound to get better from here!

[SoftIce]

Hey Thought2Much, I'm so happy to hear that things are okay okay with your wife. I read your other testimony under your other name and it just was so hard.

 

Coming clean was definitly the best thing to do, IMO, because otherwise it just continues to build and build and build. I think that's true for anything that's a big sensitive topic with family or friends.

 

I'lll keep both you and your family in my thoughts!

[bronxo]

I won't say any more about that. <ahem>